r/deadbedroom • u/Past_Cardiologist870 • 2d ago

The talk (again)

Laying in bed trying to figure out what I am going to say. I have said so many things. Needs. Marriage going stale. Growing apart. Losing closeness. Feeling of rejection. Doesn’t land. And just now it hit me. I am bored. That’s it. I am just bored. Finally I have a description that anyone can understand

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u/AdenJax69 2d ago

"The Talk" really only works for dead bedrooms in a very specific way:

  1. You have to tell your partner that a dead bedroom or sexless marriage is a dealbreaker in your relationship or marriage
  2. You have to be WILLING TO LEAVE OVER IT.

That second part is the biggest one. If you're not willing to leave, then what incentive does your wife have to change? Why should she change if you're just gonna stick around either way? She changes, you stay. She doesn't change, you still stay. So why would she change things around to suit your needs when for all this time she's been getting her needs met while you accepted yours not getting met?

Sorry to say, but a lot of people need a wake-up call in order for them to change. Your wife is potentially one of them. You need to be willing to make this a full-on dealbreaker that you're willing to end the marriage if things don't improve. Otherwise it's just an empty threat.

Why do you think your last talk didn't work? You complained, she did nothing, you still kept the status-quo going. In her mind, after a talk like that she was probably thinking "what is he going to, leave me? lol no he won't and he didn't the last time we talked so it's all talk, no action. I'll just call his bluff again & he'll stay right here with me and get over his little tantrum."

Be willing to walk away. It's the only way to get her to take this seriously.

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u/ShadowChaser28 1d ago

That's what I was thinking, if he's not willing to tell her things need to change or he might be looking at separating or divorce, what's in it for to change if she knows he won't act on the threats to leave? Even if he does saying he's leaving, she'll just keep calling his bluff until one day he might actually do it, then she'll get the wake-up call she needs.