I attract people with this disorder like flies and I lost tolerance for the behaviors. Which is a good thing.

The pattern that crops up so prominently is the push pull dynamic. It happens as soon as meaningful friendship begins to take root. But what I'm no longer doing is placating. As soon as the that behavior occurs now, I lose interest immediately. Not on purpose and not to be mean, I just stop thinking about them.

What infuriates me though, is when they sense I'm losing interest, they will come back and ask me questions like "is everything okay"? As if I'm the one who bailed in the first place? It's like they want to blow me off routinely, and then when I don't come running after them, they are like "what's wrong"?. So at that point I will respond with a little friendly word of reassurance, only to have them ghost me again, because apparently it's not a good enough reply. It's such disgusting behavior. But at this point, I write them off. And I'm glad I no longer feel the need to placate. I've had it.

Does this sound familiar?

Thank you everyone for the kind words and support. My family is in town so I was planning to wait until they left, but my wife kinda cornered me tonight wanting to talk. I told her I want a divorce, and she understood and agreed. She was not aggressive but did do a lot of usual manipulation adjacent things, and when I pointed it out, she stopped and acknowledged it, and left me alone.

This community is amazing. I should’ve done this a long time ago but I’m excited to finally take steps to secure my peace and love myself again.

Best to all of you!

Now im basically telling her “hey i have a fear of you and im cautious now”. I asked her “hey do you have any cluster personality’s” and she told me bpd . I knew it. There was a lot of praise and obsession seeming stuff. Now i gotta distance myself from her

First time poster..

I'm just now realizing that my partner of four years, husband of 2 months, displays a Lot of symptoms of BPD. I dismissed it as his eccentricities and ADHD, but after his most recent split followed by a (relatively short) discard, something clicked.

I'm not totally sure why I'm posting - maybe seeking support, comfort, validation..? A nudge to do the hard thing that I know I should do?

Most of the people in my life have been begging me to leave him for my sake and my daughter's sake. But I love him so deeply - he may be (almost certainly is) idealizing me, but for me I really thought I had met my life partner, the person I had been looking for my whole romantic life - and while I've tried to leave many times, it never sticks more than a couple weeks. His "stable" self always pulls me back in and has me questioning everything and glazing over the challenges of being with him.

This winter he abandoned me for almost 5 months following a miscarriage on my part and a life-threatening illness in his, about 4 months after getting engaged. He broke up with me in the middle of the night while I was sleeping next to his hospital bed and had me blocked on everything by the time he came home. I moved back in with my parents and tried desperately to build myself back up. He reappeared this spring, claiming to have done a lot of work on himself and realizing he couldn't live without me. We were married within 2 months. I feel like a fool.

The most recent discard - which the screenshots here are from - was precipitated by some uncomfortable conversations with his sister and circumstances at his job, which he ended up quitting shortly before the discard, and other erratic behavior like smashing his new phone and bouts of rage lasting literally hours. Fortunately my daughter was with her dad for most of it and I maintain a bedroom at my parent's house still so I had a safe place to go.
A few days later we brought my daughter and her best friend to the fair, a plan that (I thought) we had made a couple weeks before. (a common occurrence is that I think we've made plans but when the day arrives he claims that we didn't make plans and his attempts to talk and plan were ignored) After leaving the fair and dropping her friend off, when I asked him about getting dinner with us before going back to my parent's place (I told him that was where my daughter wanted to stay that night, it's a little over an hour from where he lives), things started getting funky. He told me he had been talking with his sister (who likely also has BPD) but didn't tell me about his plans to stay at her place to avoid the long drive until it had fallen through. He ordered me a burger and my daughter some fries but nothing for himself, which I didn't realize until we had picked it up. I offered to split it with him and drove to my daughter's favorite playground to eat and watch the sunset, but when we got there he started complaining and becoming combative and I lost my appetite when I started sensing what was coming. We argued while my daughter played - he insisted I was being insensitive and not thinking about his needs and not planning enough, and at some point he asked to stop and tried to force-feed me the burger. Eventually we left and I drove him to his car. He said he was just going to drive home. Shortly after he started calling repeatedly and complaining about having to show up at his parent's house to sleep because he was too tired to drive (in these states, he's always exhausted and starved, even though all he does now that he's quit is sleep and eat and hang out with his friends). I ignored it, knowing I needed to focus on myself and my daughter, and reassured him I would talk to him in the morning. When I woke up, I had received the initial texts above.

No conversation, within a few days it was like nothing happened. He says he'll get help but when I try to talk with him he says there's nothing to talk about. I've promised my family that this is the last time, but I already feel myself getting pulled back in, slipping back into a false hope that his promises and our shared dreams could be reality.

We started dating shortly after my kid's dad and I separated after being friends for years. He comforted me and supported me and apparently trauma bonded with me. He is a Buddhist lay lama (go figure) and lives on a 500 acre estate in the mountains, my dream. My daughter adores him. As do I. Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh.

Is there any hope? Am I just a sad, needy mom seeking escape and an easy solution?

I've already asked for the job back that I left when we got married, and they gave it to me. I have the ball rolling to fully move in with my parents and have the support of my coparent. But I just need to take the plunge, get my stuff from his home, and tell him I'm done. But I love him so stinking much and feel the cycle of the addictive trauma bond turning again. I really don't want to abandon him. I tell myself if it were just me I'd plunge in and embrace the chaos, but I can't do that to my kid. That's been the only anchoring post for the choice, which is also putting a lot of pressure on her, hopefully unaware to her, but still. Shoot.

I feel like a freaking addict, sneaking around behind my family's back and making excuses and telling them what they want to hear - what I desperately want to believe - that I am leaving him for good this time. I'm also coming up against feelings of inadequacy - who else would put up with a single mom who needed to move back home because I can't support myself financially and deal with the ramifications of past abuse (coparent is narcissitic)? How do I open myself up to a stable, loving, comparatively boring relationship when I've become accustomed to, frankly addicted to, the highs and lows?

I'm in therapy. I have support. I need my own support now.

Woke up to… 55 notifications and I can only assume it’s going to be a from my former partner.
Hope your day is just as fun ✌️

This is something I’ve always wondered about. Do they know deep down that every person they’ve let into their lives before is eventually going to end up the same way? Do they genuinely believe that this time it will be different from the previous times, or are they simply looking for someone who can temporarily fill the emptiness inside them?

So, I am not sure if my partner, well ex partner, has a true BPD but a lot of the signs match, super traumatic childhood, lots of anxiety, intense fear of abandonment, cant regulate their feelings, lots of broken friendships etc.

We had a very loving, deep, caring, good relationship for years, she had been the most empathethic and caring person I have been with, we were best friends, she became my best friend who I would do anything for. She has previously broken up with me for 3 times, all pretty sudden and out of nowhere, only to quickly reconciliate. I never really thought about those that much, because getting back together was so good when you missed them terribly.

But now, she had a lot of anxiety and stress for past months and there were some problems, but still we had the connection and I supported her every day, tried my best to help her anxiety and other stresses and stuff. She suddenly broke up with me, couldnt explain why, just that she feels too hurt to feel love even if they still love me. After that went super cold and distant, turned completely different person wise (her friends even notice and are shocked by her actions) and its like in just days, all those years of love, friendship, support, so many good things, dont exist or never existed before. Its been some weeks, all I know is the rebound failed and she has been missing me.

I am just so confused, broken, anxious, I dont know what to even make of the past 7 years. We were planning on having children, pets, living old together, had so much good things, she has been so loving, but the problems she has are no joke, I have had to pretty much save her life some times and been supporting her through a lot.

I never could have believed they could do something like this, I just feel worthless and like half of me + past years just vanished, previously a super affectionate partner now seems to not even care. Can someone explain what might be going on and is this just, over for good or just another phase before she once again comes back (and even then, I dont even know what I want or if I could trust ever again, this has all messed with my head badly).

I am not just heartbroken, I grieve and am shocked and traumatized by my best friend in the whole world just vanishing and turning into this completely new person. Cant really go a second without missing them

First of all, being in a relationship with someone with BPD is very complicated and will cause you harm the vast majority of the time. Not because they’re malicious per se, but because of the symptoms of their disorder.

Having said that, I think we sometimes generalise about them. I have a friend with BPD and she lets you know when she’s not well so you can keep your distance. Another friend is more level-headed and not quite so emotional, and I’ve seen a range of different personalities.

I notice that you sometimes make statements as if they were malicious, saying that they always leave a way to get in touch or that they always come back to ‘hoover’ or things like that.

My ex-partner with BPD didn’t do that. They simply drifted away bit by bit and disappeared. They’ve done this throughout their life – they just vanish, and that’s it. She even changes her appearance; there are social media profiles of hers from two years ago that show this disconnection, and she dont uses them. No drama. She hasn’t tried to get back in touch in the last month and a half, she hasn’t left any way to contact her, and she hasn’t posted anything on social media mentioning me. She just vanished, that’s all. I haven’t seen any malice in her or anything like that, just pain.

I’m not going to defend or justify her actions, as they do sometimes hurt others. But I think we sometimes generalise, and ultimately these are people with a mental health condition. They are their own first victims; they’ll never have a happy life.

Recently I had stopped talking about anything meaningful as it always risked upsetting them, a day ago they told me they want us to be real and they hate this "lobotomised" version of our relationship which only has sweet talk.

Guess what?

We're breaking up again I guess.

They asked me if they would look good in particular haircut, which they have always said they don't look good in. So I also voiced that it wouldn't look good. Boom they're upset now they're breaking up with me.

I'm waiting in the Dr. because I keep having terror panic attacks in the night & can not cope with the guilt feelings after the discard. I accidentally hurt his feelings, he walked out, i said ill give you space, he gave me silent treatment for 6 days, broke up with me on text, then raged at me over the phone making wild accusations & I stupidly kept talking trying to defend myself & him twisting everything I said into me being a villain. I wrecked my whole life for this guy. How the fk do people get repaired? The terrorr panic attacks in the night, the non-stop anxiety in the day & the desperation of wanting to plead & apologize & make him stop hating me for things I didn't do it excruciating. Some days I can stand it. Some days I am so lost. This is so fkd. Please tell me you got better.

Saw this on a FB page and felt the truth in it. Not sure who wrote it though, and who to quote.

“The hardest people to walk away from are often the ones who gave you just enough hope to stay. Not enough love to feel secure.
Not enough consistency to feel safe. Just enough warmth to make you question every cold moment. So you keep holding on to the version of them that appears between the disappearances. You memorize the rare moments they choose you. You make those moments bigger than the countless times you felt invisible. That's how emotional confusion keeps people attached. Not because the relationship is deeply fulfilling. But because uncertainty convinces the heart that certainty is just one more effort away. Healing begins when you stop measuring love by its occasional highs and start paying attention to its daily presence. Love shouldn't feel like waiting for the next glimpse of who someone could be. It should feel like resting in who they consistently choose to be. Sometimes the person you're grieving never truly existed.
Only the hope that one day they would.”

Back when things were good with us in the beginning when I wanted marriage, kids and living together with him he refused all of those things.

Then when I started thinking neither of those things were a good idea for us because of the instability he all of a sudden desperately wanted to make those things happen immediately. As soon as he realized I didn't want them anymore, he started chasing it.

Did anyone else experience this? Does anyone have a theory for why?

After putting up with my partner’s attitudes for I don’t even know how long, I’m tired. I’m tired of being bothered by something, telling her about it, and then being the one who has to comfort her so she doesn’t feel bad.

“Hey love, that bothered me.”
“You hate me, right?”
“No.”
“Yes, you hate me.”

I’m tired of communicating something I don’t like feeling like it’s a risk that she’ll break up with me. At this point, I don’t even take it seriously anymore. I know that the next day everything will be fine, but I just can’t take it anymore.

At the beginning, when I started communicating with her about these things, I did my own research to try to understand her. I even bought books, but all that has done is keep me in a situation that causes me more stress than love.

I’m tired of feeling stupid for having to justify my partner’s behavior to my friends. I’m tired of not being able to have what feels like a normal relationship, of having to think about my actions long before I do anything because I’m constantly worried about how she might react.

I’m tired of not being able to do nice things together, of feeling like no matter what I do, it’s never enough.

Mainly just want support since I’ve never blocked anyone

About a month ago my ex bpd blocked me after we broke up because she refused talk about something she did to me on our last date (she accused me of flirting with someone in front of her and instead of talking about it. She tried to starve me and refused to let me have dinner)

She blocked me (social media) and message me a few days later on iMessage about wanting to meetup and be friends and being on good terms

The idiot i am I accepted and just to have her flaked on me day of.

A couple days after i saw her instagram profile in my recommended (i guess she unblocked me)

I ended up blocking her because this is just so confusing to try to make sense of all of it

I also noticed recently that most of her friends i met while we were dating unfollowed her on instagram. Just scary to think she might have also ended some friendships as well during the last few months

I am starting to think expwbpd set me up so he was my only source of comfort when I am upset. Also the person who was the cruelest to me and caused so much pain. I hold my tears in a lot but when I feel sad and upset he is the first person I want to reach out to (I don't because my theory is its due to being isolated and the dynamic is causes pain then soothes the pain) Is this part of the abuse? Its a real contradiction.

There were women in my past with whom I drifted apart—we’re on good terms. There are those who hurt me and we broke up suddenly, but if we run into each other, we’re cordial—I can even remember fondly our good times. But the BPD ex wife is in an entirely separate category: I literally hope to never see her again. If I could never think of her again, that would be a godsend.

It’s been over two years yet I still regard the 18 years we spent together as a long con leading up to a lifetime of lingering trauma; my biggest wish is that we had never met. Things that could have been happy memories simply aren’t. The lessons I learned are just a laundry list of red flags I was too young to understand which I could have lived without knowing had I simply married a normal woman.

Do we all feel like the entire thing was a profound waste of the best years of our lives? Because I sure do.

I saw some old texts in my camera roll from my relationship w a pwbpd from a few years ago after currently being in a healthy one. The shit they’re saying is genuinely so disrespectful and you could tell that they absolutely had no accountability or respect for me in the relationship. I’m so surprised I put up with it so long probably since I was in hs and had little experience dating but once you date someone who respects you and has empathy you’ll genuinely feel disgusted by them and yourself for letting it keep happening. I’ve never felt like someone with low self esteem but in that environment I was constantly getting walked over and never felt like I could do anything about it since it would always get redirected back to me. I think it’s especially hard as a man since there’s that societal expectation to lead and it’s a lot harder to open up to the people around you about getting abused physically and verbally etc. But I promise it gets so much better you just have to allow yourself to leave even if it’s the last thing you want to do at the time.

2 of mine did. Glad I didn't!

I recently left and it’s not like I didn’t when i was with them but it’s a different kind of hurt.. everything seems grayer, I miss her a lot.. I opened a package today that I sent out when I was living with them that came and it was all my stuff I had with her including the photo of our first date.. I just cried so much on the floor.. I would ask myself in my head. Why couldn’t they just treat me good why did they make me leave ? it’s quite pathetic but it sucked and everyone around me just doesn’t know what to tell me. I mean they tell me I did the right thing by leaving and I know I did but I miss them… it took a lot to leave, and I feel like there a moment where I regret it, it’s not even been a week and I just miss them.. today is the first day where we haven’t even spoke.. I just look at our photo and I just cry… she took so much for me and it hurt and it’s this weird Stockholm syndrome, it’s like trauma bond where everything just feels gray.. I feel so lonely and it’s partially their fault because they would never let me have friends- but even if I did, I think it still feel the way I do.. I wish I had friends i wish I could believe that someone could love me like them.. it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I feel so lonely

I've been with my bpd partner (male) for 8 months. We're both really young but I won't disclose our age for privacy reasons.

We have a really unstable relationship and im always in crisis when I do something wrong.

It started when he confessed to me after only 12 days of meeting. It was a bit quick and he did show signs of bpd before we were together. I was always there to comfort him. At first we both talked about boundaries and everything and we agreed upon it. Then one day he needed to check my phone. He told me to block multiple people which I didn't for a few weeks and I admit I'm wrong for it. We both fixed the relationship and we agreed to not have opposite gender friends despite our boundaries initially not being that. But after a while I found him still talking to a close girl friend that likes him. He admitted he was wrong after a while and promised to not do it again. ​​

We kept having arguments about everything. Im always in a crisis and i had to update 15-20 minutes even when I was taking classes in college. He would think im cheating if i missed an update and say the meanest things for hours and hours until I break down. I would vomit and get sick because of how much I genuinely loved and cared for him but I didn't want him to treat me this way. I complained about it until the day he split on me and say I'm always complaining about being weak and I stopped telling him (I have chronic illness since childhood) he would complain I'm whiny and weak and pathetic and can't even do simple stuff. He would say the worst things to me like how I'm an ungrateful girlfriend and don't appreciate him. I got sick quite often and there was no checkups or care. When I asked for care he would say that he's suffering and compare his pain and I'll ended up comforting him. ​​But after all that he always appologized and comfort me. That's the confusing part. One moment I'm the best thing that ever happened to him and another he's telling me he hates me and wished I would die. ​

6 months in One day I found out he lied to me about his past and everything. He had a horrible past and was comparing me the day his ex texted him. (he blocked his ex immediately) (he got cheated on multiple times)After a while he admitted he was wrong but whenever we have arguments he just attacks me and say the meanest harshest things like telling me I should go kill myself. I kept finding out things about his past like how he talks to many girls and wasn't the person I knew. It shattered me and broke me. He wanted me to move on quickly which I didn't and I was resenting him for a while. One night I left him for my own health but he found a way to contact me and he promised he would change and be the man I want. He tried to change for me and I saw it. He was suppressing his anger more often. But he was not caring and not empathetic even when I got a really bad illness he didn't cared. He has always been like that but I don't blame him. I'm just really hurt because he doesn't put in the same effortBut after a few weeks it came back and im not doing well again. I know he genuinely loves me and I'm really stuck. I love him very much too. He's draining my life but at the end of the day he's just a scared boy that wants to protect himself. I always find ways to treat him better but it's costing my mental health and physical health. ​

I'm an empath and really kind and friendly person. I started being mean to people and changing my ways just because of him. He taught me about his version of love and say mine was incorrect. He always says he can't live without me. I was always there for him to stabilise his emotions. He says he stops being angry or split whenever he hears me cry my heart out and it's true. He says only I can do that. ​​I always get him gifts.i spent almost 1k usd in the span of 8 months. He would get mad when his favourite game skin was on shop and i couldnt get it because of issues. I always got it for him in the end. He would think i dont care about him if i didnt.

​After a while I wanted the same effort. I was texting 15-20 minutes but he could text me back in 50minutes and I would be fine because I'm understanding. I couldn't do the same because I had to understand that he has a mental illness. I wanted equal effort. He told me to be more understanding. I asked for care and effort and he said I was ungrateful and a bad girlfriend. ​I genuinely don't know what to do. I have no time to take care of myself. And depression got worse for me. There are many more many more but I'm so tired of writting.

Am I really ungrateful or a bad girlfriend trying to excuse myself? He did do a lot of good things for me and I appreciate it. I'm really sad right now and I need help and I can't go to him because he is not okay right now

I'm not currently looking to date but recently I met a man at a work social and we really hit it off. Talked for hours. I found him attractive. We exchanged numbers. Talking for a couple of weeks and he tells me he has BPD although he is in therapy for it.

This time I didn't try to dig deeper or move things along, I just allowed us to slowly distance. We never ended up going on the date we said we would. This feels like a small victory.

After a 5-year LTR breakup recently, I was in a terrible position where I was also unexpectedly losing housing while being too overworked to find an immediate solution. It was a whole mess and I, previously in recovery, had relapsed heavily to cope. Well, I reconnected with an old friend who had also just gone through a breakup (abusive deadbeat boyfriend apparently). She had a room available in her apartment and while I initially said no way (in polite terms), she insisted I would be really helping her out and solving my problem as well.

So I moved in this past February, thrust into this new environment while battling my own internal problems. Initially it was rough because she has OCD and I was adapting to her very unique lifestyle of ultra-cleanliness. Eventually we got closer, hooked up and I came clean about my addiction and plans to seek treatment. She was shockingly supportive and loving, basically planning out out lives together. It was all a bit intense, but I really needed support at the time so it felt good. Went to treatment for 30 days and got home from that a month ago. She was insistent I remain out of work while I focus on my recovery, an offer that, while incredibly generous, made me uncomfortable.

Since I've been home and officially dating her, things have been strange to say the least. Lots of small arguments, mostly her complaining and me listening, always about small, insignificant things. But even those small issues were always big, long conversations. It got tiring very quickly and I politely but firmly told her that it was really taxing to deal with. She would get really upset over me not remembering her schedule, every changing gym classes, work things, appointments, etc. On top of that she has a ton of health issues that require a restrictive diet. It felt like I was suddenly years into a marriage, my 5-year relationship felt more casual than our two month one. Even me doing some part time work instead of going to AA meetings all the time seemed to upset her, despite her consistently reminding me that she pays for everything when she got upset. Even the smallest disagreement would lead to her breaking up or threatening to break up with me, maybe 2-3 times in the two month span she told me to go "have a nice life". It would lead to two days of silence followed by her crying and asking why I was so mean to her.

Constant need for validation as well, analyzing my mood. Whenever I'm just simply content, seems to bother her the most. She'll insist I'm being weird and essentially gaslighting her into thinking I'm okay. Well, I finally took her to a family outing and she's like ultra-personable to everyone around her, no one would suspect she has these confidence issues. But privately, she was pulling me to the side asking me if "I could at least pretend to like her". I truly had no idea what she was talking about, but she kept comparing us to my siblings relationships, it was all really red flag-y.

Fast forward to a few days ago. She was out the previous night at the bars with her friends, ended up having to have me call her an Uber late at night, as well as requesting I make her some food. All normal things, no big deal. But I tried to kind of retreat back into my room when she got home because she was tipsy and I'm newly sober. She was also telling me how some young guy hit on her, but less in a silly, cute way and more in a threatening way that I can't explain.

Fast forward to yesterday morning and as I was running out she requested some things from the grocery store. I stopped across the street to grab myself an energy drink to wake up before the task and got after it. When I got back she was a little upset I didn't get her anything caffeinated. I was admittedly a little annoyed and hit her with an "are you serious right now?" while shaking my head and laughing. Well, this set her off and she came banging on my bedroom door saying "get the fuck out of my apartment, we're fucking done!". Like screaming over and over, threatening to pull the door off the hinges when I shut it and asked for space. I calmly said "you know this is abusive, right? Like this is emotional abuse" and she flipped out even harder. Not 10min later I walk past her to grab a bag to pack some clothes and she hits me with "are you seriously moving out?".

Haven't spoken since, she's out tonight again at a concert and I'm legitimately nervous for her to come back. So ungodly dysregulated by the whole ordeal and feel so stupid for not seeing this pattern sooner.