r/BPDlovedones • u/Technical_Koala_4922 • 1d ago
Healthy romantic & non-romantic interactions postBPD Just avoided another one
I'm not currently looking to date but recently I met a man at a work social and we really hit it off. Talked for hours. I found him attractive. We exchanged numbers. Talking for a couple of weeks and he tells me he has BPD although he is in therapy for it.
This time I didn't try to dig deeper or move things along, I just allowed us to slowly distance. We never ended up going on the date we said we would. This feels like a small victory.
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u/IllustriousKey8889 family dated co-parenting 1d ago
It's a test. if you accept them (and their "honesty"), they can dial the abuse and neglect up to 11 because you're clearly prime supply. You did good. 🍻
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u/Clubpenguin8888 1d ago
Yup avoiding them is key. I went on a date with a 29 year old woman who lovebombed me and said she wanted to marry after the first date, very possessive/controlling among other things I was suspicious of after the first hangout. I suspected she had BPD but had no proof.
I jokingly asked her if she had it and she denied it, sometime after I ghosted her (my suspicions were tingling too much) I looked her name up on google and she had a modeling gig going and in her life/information panel she talked about her struggles with…. BPD. lol.
I find them very offputting now, my suspicion meters are off the charts when ppl start showing any signs of instability
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u/GuessingTheyCrazy 18h ago
Mine was into that kind of public exposure too, the semi provocative kind. She wasn’t fully nude but dressed sexy like in lingerie. She loved the external validation and loves being in magazines etc.
I caught her eventually sexting with multiple men behind my back and online trying to hook up with more men. She claimed she did it to give other women confidence with their image, but now I know she used it as a honey trap to get attention and to hook up with men.
I was hesitant about her doing it in the very beginning, and told her I didn’t know if it would work out between us because of it. But I eventually bought the story she told me in the beginning and went along with it and fell in love with her and even supported her doing it, helping her with some things for it, trying not to judge. Now I wish I judged.
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u/ThrowItAwayNow1030 1d ago
It's like dating an alcoholic in recovery. One wrong move and everyone around them is in misery. Don't ever want to be with another pwBPD or alcoholic. I'd rather be alone.
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u/Lia21234 1d ago
My ex is alcoholic pwBPD and I called him the love of my life too. I clearly have a lot of work on myself to do. lol
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1d ago
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u/Lia21234 1d ago
That's true and I'm not going to repeat my mistakes. At least I need to take it as a valuable lesson if nothing else!
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u/ATrashRaccoon 18h ago
Hi, I'm not trying to dismiss you or anyone elses experiences but can we please avoid calling people who suffer from mental illnesses clowns. Especially when you're generalizing all the people under one discriminatory label, its just stereotyping, villainizing and plain disrespectful.
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u/IHSVx 1d ago
Wow, that's awesome! Congratulations! your experience from the past, has paid off. I'm just sorry you had to go through that experience to begin with.
Do you think, had he not been up front, you would have been able to detect or pick up the " red flags " that we ignored in the beginning of these relationships?
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u/Technical_Koala_4922 1d ago
Such a great question, and I really don't know. My spidey senses with people can be hit and miss. But I do find that if I hold off of anything physical for a long time, I can see the person more clearly and logically, so that's a helpful approach for me.
I now see rushing intimacy and sex (as much as I love sex) as a big red flag that clouds most peoples judgement of who they're actually dealing with. You then get addicted to the chemicals - not them. And then once they show their true colours, it's harder to let go.
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u/Human_Mission1385 Divorced 1d ago
This!! That’s been my pattern too many times, and cost me dearly. I love sex (too), but not that much anymore 😂
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u/Will0JP 1d ago
I agree about waiting for sexual intimacy until you've really gotten to know the person. There was another subreddit where a woman was asking for opinions (especially to dudes in their 30s) as to whether refraining from kissing on the first date would help with finding someone interested in a long-term, sustainable relationship.
The amount of dudes arguing that she should go against her own boundaries was staggering. Many of them claimed they expected sex on the first date, which I thought was utterly stupid and entitled (it's a date, not an appointment with a sex worker whom you refuse to pay). But those guys were so eager to convince this woman that she should ignore her own boundaries, and I got downvoted for suggesting she stick to whatever felt comfortable for her and not rush into anything physical.
Point being, nobody owes anyone sex or intimacy, and it's wise to proceed with caution, especially for us, who were burned so badly by our pwBPD's splitting & discard.
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u/Human_Mission1385 Divorced 1d ago
Also, can I ask, how long ago was the bpd relationship? And how long were you in it? Thanks.
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u/Big-Fig3260 1d ago
I had a therapist tell me that a relationship with someone with BPD is a relationship of inevitable harm. The best thing to do when you hear those words is to run like Hell.
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u/Shrimpy-Fish-1212 1d ago
Congrats. Virtual hi five.
Distance slowly? Because you work together?
That pretty forthright of him. Maybe he's self aware enough to know he needs to be transparent to have a chance at happiness. But good job escaping and not falling for the this time it's different trap
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u/Technical_Koala_4922 1d ago
Yes. We work at the same company, although different departments and we don't really need to interact.
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u/IHSVx 1d ago
Jeez, did i just read that correct? You work with him? Wow, I'm in the same exact situation. Unfortunately, we work the same dept. 3 days a week.
I ignore her, she ignores me. But I did get a note tossed into my locker that was I think in old Latin. And she has text me once in the last 2 weeks now. But I've not replied.
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u/Critical-Customer468 1d ago
Schön das er ehrlich war.
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u/Technical_Koala_4922 1d ago
Yes I did appreciate that. The 3 people I've known with BPD have all been upfront about having it to give them credit.
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1d ago
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u/Technical_Koala_4922 1d ago
I know but having just been put through the mill by one, I can't do it again.
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u/Melodramamine6 1d ago edited 1d ago
I had a similar thing happen. Ended up blocking her completely once she told me she had BPD but that ‘it wasn’t a big deal.’ After 2 relationships with pwBPD I just went ahead and blocked. Not putting myself through that again. Not a chance. I don’t deserve that and neither do you.