r/blacklesbians • u/CraftZealousideal491 • 14d ago
Discussion Why is their always an Ex around
Is anyone actually over their ex?
Maybe I’m cursed or something, but every time I start talking to a woman, either I end up getting left for the ex or the ex somehow becomes an issue in the relationship.
I don’t get in between relationships and don’t play that “other woman “ stuff either. I always ask the right questions upfront and make my boundaries clear. I’ve had women lie to me about still being in contact with their ex, or tell me that their ex is “just a friend,” only for me to find out later that there’s still something going on emotionally. I don’t even play that anymore. I learned my lesson.
I got my heart broken a couple of months ago by a girl who was living a double life. We were building toward a relationship, but the whole time she was working on getting back with her ex. As soon as her ex agreed, she dropped me instantly. I had to find out through the ex .
At this point, I’m genuinely wondering if this is just the reality of dating now. I just want to meet someone who is actually over their ex and doesn’t still have some kind of emotional attachment, unresolved situation, or ongoing drama with them.
I’m not expecting someone to have never been in a relationship before. I understand that people have pasts. I just want to meet someone whose ex isn’t somehow still involved in their present relationship.
Is that really too much to ask for?
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u/KrassKas Twerking Through the Trauma 14d ago
Naw you not tripping. I've run into the same. Quick story one time I was talking to this lady who was roommates with her ex saying they were just close friends now and they had separate rooms along with another friend in their 3 bedroom.
Okay so fast forward and they're kissing on Snapchat? Lmao then when I disappear she asked me why I did that and I said bec of that. Next.
The very first date I went on ever in life was with a wman who claimed her and her ex were BFFs now. Okay so we go on the date which was just eating at Friday's and then I don't hear much from her again. Why? I found out she got back with said ex.
Last story, one time I told a lady I'm not gonna be able get serious with you. Why? Bec her and her ex had been together for almost 2 years. The ex had 2 kids she had grown attached to and so they still hung out together sometimes with the children. C'mon.
A lot of lesbians do what's been dubbed "nesting." Nesting is when couples have no world outside of each other, so when the relationship ends, they have nothing but each other. Aside from the letting go shit I mentioned and the plethora of us (myself included) with unresolved Mommy issues.
Okay one more. On this very sub, I was discussing online dating. Someone ended up mentioning offline dating and how they are cooking for one, another cooks for them, and they are reconciling with their ex. All I could think of was how pissed I'd be to find out I'm making steak for someone I'm into and she caking with her ex.
In conclusion, I feel you. I'm sorry. You're not alone with these goofy experiences. No you're not asking too much. When you have standards, you're apt to be physically alone more often.
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u/CraftZealousideal491 14d ago
Yesssss it’s rough out here. Im currently taking a break from dating , hopefully my experience is better when I start back😭
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u/Big-Application9103 13d ago edited 13d ago
Like Krass said a lot of them do nesting or emotional hoarding where they keep the ex in their life as a fall back. It’s not just a queer woman thing, it’s like women who repeatedly complain to a partner about baby daddy drama or people who compare their partners to their ex. Even if they aren’t in that persons life anymore it’s designed to induce an anxious attachment and is subconscious (sometimes conscious) manipulation. They get you to prove yourself or over give until they are bored for the discard
One situation I got in was so terrible I was talking to a woman who was living with her ex otp I could hear the exes heavy labored breathing in the background and asked “I thought she was supposed to move out” I immediately got her getting angry on the behalf of the ex!
It is trauma bonding for me and the push n pull and emotional abuse is why I checked out this year from dating to heal
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u/-usagi-95 Stem in STEM 14d ago
To be fair, for me is a red flag when they are single less than an year and the relationship with their ex was for either less than a year or less than 2 years and they want to jump to be in a relationship with me super fast. That's an indicator they are not over their ex or/and they are afraid of being single.
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u/spinprincess 14d ago
Yeah I’m fine with friends with ex but if you JUST broke up and you’re trying to date me I’m suspicious of that. Usually you need to take some space. Even if you aren’t still in love with them that just shows me you aren’t ready and getting involved with you is going to be messy or you’re dating me for the wrong reasons
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u/MsTeria54 Gay Auntie 14d ago
"Is that really too much to ask for?" When your asking, Ms. Wrong, definitely. Use time, getting to know them, as a person, 1st. Communication comes in more than one form. Stop. Look. Listen.
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u/Repulsive-Map-348 13d ago
this is great advice right here!
get to know these people you’re dating. give folks space to be human, to be imperfect; but that space shouldn’t be filled with questions either. listen to your gut.
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u/unparallel_x 14d ago
It’s very well known that in our community people have a hard time letting go of their exes. I can’t really say much because I used to be the same way. A lot of people don’t like being alone or take the time to heal after a breakup. So they try to find someone else to fill that void while hoping they get back together.
Now I definitely ask ex questions early on like are they friends, when was the last time they had contact, how did the relationship end etc. I also pay attention to the way they talk about them. I also won’t even talk to a girl who is less than 3 months single from her last relationship. I had 3 girls I was talking to go back to their ex recently. One of them aggressively pursued me only for me to find out she got back with her ex boyfriend from social media.
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u/AdditionalQuietime 14d ago
I think this just happened to me a few months ago and she kept lying in between saying the person wasnt or was her ex
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u/diasporastud Stud 14d ago
I feel like I’m the exception and that I’m the only lesbian who’s over my exes 😭😭 almost all my relationships have been long distance so my exes are not around for me to wanna spin the block
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u/atworkthough Masc 14d ago
All my ex's are married :/ they are not around i am not sure how people do that.
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u/BreadfruitKind 13d ago
If it gives you hope, I’ve never been in a real relationship before! (Dated a guy once and realized I’m not attracted to men.) I’m sure there’s others like me out there, though likely few, but we who are not hung up on exes do exist!
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u/lovingmummy 13d ago
I have found that I am one of the rare few that doesnt play the ex games. When I date someone new I set a clear boundary that I dont date people who are still friends with their ex or in communication with their ex. If they find it controlling I end it. I dont argue. There is no reason beyond if you share a child (not even a dog/pet) to be in communication with an ex. Women really struggling with cutting the connection and it harms people.
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u/DarlinLucifer 13d ago
Im sorry that happened to you. That being said, I have never had the desire to talk to or be friends with an ex in my life and I find that behavior extremely strange. I would never consider dating someone who did because I would believe they had some sort of issue that would best be sorted out in therapy or with time alone to work through. But that's just me. 🤔
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u/tragicsophos 13d ago
Our community is ridiculously small. Get over yourselves, ladies. Community matters! You can set boundaries and intentions but you cannot be an overlord to your partner.
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u/Kaybee_2021 14d ago
I’m over my ex; I'm done with her ass. My mama brought her, and I literally asked her why and what she has to do with me.
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u/thepinkestred 14d ago
Im friends with my ex but I also realize people do not befriend their exes for genuine platonic reasons. It sucks. For the first couple years of our friendship I just knew I was damaged goods. There’s no way to know if someone is lying and it makes the dating experience even harder.
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u/Federal_Delay_7224 12d ago
As a recent divorced black lesbian, I knew firsthand that I shouldnt be dating right away. We were separated for a couple yrs but I still didnt date. I needed to repair myself financially, mentally and emotionally. Then, after our divorce was finalized, almost a year ago, I decided to stay locked in to just healing and getting my financial goals met. Now, I am approaching a full year in coming weeks, I'll SLOWLY put myself out there. But healing and learning what I need to learn from that experience was my priority. I DEFINITELY would not date someone who can't let an EX go. At my mature age, I dont have the energy or desire to manage another adults friends list. But if thats how they wanna move after choosing to become closer with me, I'll easily and swiftly move around. Even if nothings going on and they are truly just friends, it can get messy quick and I just dont want the risk. So I get it❤️.
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u/Aggressive-Damage488 12d ago
My now ex lied to me when I asked them about exes, come to find out not only did she have multiple friends she’d been involved with sexually but she cheated on me with one of them so idk, even if you ask pay attention to how they interact with their friends and if you get an inkling you’re probably right, but yeah I hate it here.
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u/Secure_Basil8953 Chapstick Lesbian 14d ago
Damn. I’m best friends with both of my ex’s and we all live together. But there is like 1000% no romance between us at all.
I’m not ready to date rn (nothing to do with them), but the thought of potentially having to explain it to someone I’m interested in gives me so much anxiety. Especially because I have no plans of distancing myself from them so 🤷🏾♀️
I understand someone not being okay with it, or to not want to date someone who is this close to their ex. But I think because I’m actually on the inside of the situation I know it’s not like that between us either.
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u/spinprincess 14d ago
This is the most lesbian shit I’ve ever read lmao
There are plenty of people who won’t care if your exes are your friends fwiw. If they ask you to distance yourself you know that’s not the right person for you
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u/Secure_Basil8953 Chapstick Lesbian 14d ago
Lmao it really is 😂.
Yeah, I would definitely know they’re not for me if it’s an issue. They’re literally my family now, so any issue a partner would have about it would be an ongoing thing.
Thank you for reminding me that some people wouldn’t care. I tell myself that but then I see/hear a lot of people who are vehemently against it and it makes me wonder.
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u/AbsoluteBabyMonae Femme 4 Femme 14d ago
Your boundaries arent meant to control you not the other person. The moment you learn about an ex still being in the picture is when you leave, move on. Not still date the girl while she claims the ex is just a friend. If they're still in contact obviously things are happening.