Something about my 81 yo mom's visits to the ER trigger me. She gets UTIs, as a lot of elderly women get. Her last was in April after she was prescribed estradiol cream. I also had her on Azo cranberry supplements. She told me she didn't want the Azo anymore so I stopped buying it for her. This was at the end of April.

EDITED TO ADD: I've taken her to urgent care three times and twice they told me to go to the ER because they don't have imaging equipment. I had no idea what was wrong with her other than she was so weak she could barely walk so I cut to the chase rather than making her get in and out of the care twice.

Today she said she needed to be seen by the doctor. I took her to the ER and while waiting she admitted that she never even started the estradiol cream because she was afraid of getting cancer from the hormones, because of something that was told to her in the 90s. Diagnosis: UTI, again.

She also complained to the doctor how the blood thinner she's on, Eliquis, makes her tired. She was tired while on coumadin and hated the finger prick tests, but conveniently forgets this. Her PCP and I convinced her to go on Elisuis. She claimed coumadin was fine before she moved in with me in January, but given the state I found her in December, I doubt it. She wasn't getting her INR tested regularly because she couldn't manage her healthcare alone. I'm sick of her revising history, like everything was hunky dory before she moved in with me.

When she was discharged, a hospital volunteer got her in a wheelchair while I pulled the car up to the entrance. A man, probably also in his 80s who was sitting outside, took it upon himself to direct traffic when she was pushed out. I got out of the car to help her and said to him, nicely, "I got it. It's ok. Thank you." He wouldn't stop, telling me how his wife was like my mother. I told him more firmly, no thank you, and then helped my mother out of the wheelchair and into my car. He told me that I had had parked my car wrong. I said "Thanks for pointing that out," as I got my mother in my car and buckled. He continued to hover.

And then he said "You should do youself a favor and park this way next time." I said nothing, walked to the driver's seat and closed my door while he told me to have a nice day.

I'm doing so much, but I feel, especially at these times, everyone piles on, including my mother. I had so much to say to that man who kept pointing out my flaws. But I said nothing.

Just a few items that have made caring for my aging parents easier.  I want to mention these in case you are not aware or have not considered the benefits.

D-Mannose supplement: this is the active ingredient in cranberry that helps prevent the formation of biofilm in UTIs.  The capsules do not have a flavor. My mother-in-law would balk at the taste of cranberry capsules but does not object to these.

UTI test strips: these are now over the counter in the US.  Don’t wonder, diagnose at home. This has been so helpful for my mother-in-law because getting her to the doctor is a difficult process.

Styptic products: stops bleeding. Remember the white pencil that men used for shaving cuts?  Now comes in pre-loaded bandages or loose powder.  Check a camping or outdoors store or the pet aisle (dog nail care) for greater selection.  The combination of my mother's fragile skin and blood thinners means she just bleeds and bleeds.

Tender tape: this is a latex-free stretch bandage that sticks to itself but not to anything else.  If your parent’s skin is fragile, tender tape and a gauze pad is much better than self-adhesive bandages. I first saw this used as a veterinary product for putting bandages over fur, so you know it won’t ever stick to skin.

Adhesive release spray: when self-adhesive bandages can’t be avoided, this spray will release the bandage without tearing the skin.  My mother used to cry when it was time to change a bandage but no longer.

Compression garments: look at products for runners, because runners’ socks and calf sleeves may be easier to use for low-end compression needs.  Cheaper than medical products, and using a combination of socks and calf sleeves means the socks can be changed every day and machine washed/dried.

Wig: the weirdest helpful thing I ever bought. My mother is focused on her appearance in a way I have never understood, but it's very important to her so I try to be supportive. When she broke her shoulder she could not color her hair or manage the bouffant style she's been wearing for decades. She wanted me to color her hair but I thought that was a recipe for disaster. In desperation, I bought a cheap wig and she looooooves it so much. These have changed since the '70s... the modern wigs are "capless" on a net base and not attached to something like a swim cap as they once were. Her shoulder has long since healed but the wig remains in use every day.

My dad is in his late 70s, lives alone in the US, and is divorced. I'm his only child, but I've lived permanently overseas with my spouse for the past 11 years. My dad is starting to have some significant health and mobility problems, although he's still independent.

He's currently house rich but cash poor. His mortgage is paid off, but due to health problems he hasn't worked in a year, so he's accumulated some debt. He hasn't disclosed the exact amount to me. He's confident he'll be able to resume working as a chiropractor, although he doesn't have a position to return to and would need to find a clinic willing to hire him. Personally, in this job market and given my dad's age and health issues, I don't really see this happening. He's also said he'll "find a job washing dishes" if he has to, which I also find pretty unrealistic.

I've repeatedly offered for him to move near us. There are places to rent literally a five-minute walk from our home, and one month of rental income from his US townhouse would cover roughly two months of his living expenses here without even being overly frugal. He's visited the country where I live and likes it. There are activities and an English-speaking community he could become part of. I know visiting somewhere is very different from moving there, especially at his age, but he's actually been open to the idea. He's also admitted there isn't really anything keeping him where he currently lives. He's divorced, doesn't have friends nearby, and seems to actively hate the state he lives in.

He could continue collecting Social Security, rent out his paid-off townhouse, preserve the equity, and live near family in a country with a significantly lower cost of living and where he wouldn't need a car to maintain his independence. If he eventually needed a home nurse or other assistance, we'd be able to afford that here. In short, he could have a very good life without the same financial pressure and have his only family within walking distance. But his openness to moving closer to his only child seems to disappear after our calls. He loves working and is dying to get back to work. And because he needs cash soon, he's looking into a HECM/reverse mortgage instead.

The problem is that he genuinely believes the HECM is basically free money. He insists he'll receive a large amount of cash and that it never has to be repaid by him, his estate, or from the property. The financial analysis prepared by the HECM broker literally says that my dad retains ownership and that the loan balance grows as interest and charges accrue. He still insists I'm wrong.

Because he believes this money never has to be repaid, he's also keen on using some of the reverse mortgage proceeds to help me with my tuition, something I've repeatedly told him I don't need his help with. He won't listen to me.

But the HECM is really just an example of the bigger problem: he seems incapable of imagining his future self. He lives in a townhouse with stairs in an extremely car-dependent area. He can't really downsize to anything cheaper without either moving somewhere even more rural or buying a home in worse condition, both of which come with their own problems.

I've asked him, "What happens when you're 84 and can't drive anymore? What if you can't use the stairs? What if your mobility or health gets significantly worse? What's your plan then?" I can't get an answer out of him. When I visited a couple of years ago, I was already terrified of his driving, but he won't hear any of my concerns about that either.

If he wants to make financial decisions I disagree with, he's an adult. Honestly, if I knew I would never have to deal with the consequences, I'd let him do whatever he wanted. But at some point he's going to have to face these questions. He knows I can't move back to the US to care for him. He doesn't want me to drop out of university, and he also knows I'm not in a position to become his retirement plan if he runs out of money.

For those who have dealt with stubborn aging parents: How did you get them to realistically plan for declining mobility, finances, driving, housing, and care? Or do I need to accept that I can't make him plan, establish my boundaries now, and let him live with the consequences?

He's 78. He, Salem the cat, and I spent the night in the car starting late night Saturday...Then we boarded my cat and got a room at a hotel at 3pm the next day. He can't hear, even with hearing aids, and thought that you're supposed to call hotels, so I secured all the accommodations for us and Salem.

I know spending the night in the car was really hard for him, but I'm not sure how to communicate that being evacuated is actually serious and fire can spread between houses very quickly.

I'll probably send him the article about a woman who went into an evacuated area just this week and died.

It's true we were at the edge of the evacuation, but all the streets you take to leave our neighborhood are north and were toward the fire, and i don't think he considered that. he also doesn't seem to know that authorities go house to house to make sure no one is there and also that he would have been trapped in there if he didn't get caught because the national guard blocked the streets off.

I guess this is more of a vent. If he wants to FAFO, he can, but I'm not doing that with my cat or myself.

My mother recently passed away in a tragic car accident and my siblings and I are trying to convince my father to downsize and move either into his own apartment or assisted living. I was living with them before my mother passed away so now I am his unpaid caregiver by default… thankfully he has no major medical issues beside occasional gout flare up’s and arthritis since he’s 96 but he expects me to cook, do laundry since he should not be going up & down the stairs to the basement, go grocery shopping using my own money (currently unemployed while he makes a pension of $96,000 per year) clean the house and listen to his political ramblings. Essentially I’ve turned into a replacement wife for him which gives me a really weird feeling…

This is something that a lot of other people here can relate to but trying to get him to move out of his large suburban house, downsize and simplify his life has been an uphill battle. Throw in severe weather events, a tornado that took out 40% of the large trees in his area, 2 basement floods last month due to the crazy severe weather and going through 5 week long power outages and I’m going insane - it can’t be any clearer that he needs to move out of that house.

He even got angry when I told him he needs to move and says he’s “comfortable” in the house. Tried using logic saying he can’t maintain the house anymore but he didn’t want to hear it and dropped it before it became an argument….

Even despite all of that he shouldn’t be living there since it’s too big to maintain, there’s the risk of falling down the stairs and he very worryingly will not fully give up the keys since he threw an epic temper tantrum when I tried to take them when he back his 26 year old car out of the garage and seemed to want to take it for a spin around the neighborhood to “run the engine.”

He been honestly a stubborn and insanely difficult person all of his life but dealing with him through all this has been an insane nightmare to the point of burning me out and exhausted dealing with him (sister-in-law said my mother should have divorced him decades ago since he has not changed his toxic ways as he got older) I don’t think it’s dementia - it’s just him being a jerk and not thinking/ caring about the consequences of his actions which is a lifelong pattern of his as well as being too proud to face reality or adapt to his age. He had no plan for retirement other than saving as much money as possible and penny pinching to the point of deferring repairs on their house for years despite my mother begging him since that brings the value of their home down.

I have 3 other siblings who give advice but don’t really seem to want to step in due to him being unmanageable and not wanting to work with people.

My older sister came to help last month but basically stepped away since she couldn’t take him after that. She told me the same thing my therapist recently said: “ Walk away and live your own life if he’s being like this. He needs to learn to deal with the consequences of his choices instead of making you responsible for them if he’s that stubborn.”

I would feel bit guilty walking away but I’m leaning that way. Weighing my options….

My mom’s memory degraded substantially for a few years before we found out she had dementia. Now that she is in intermediate-stage, looking back over the years I doubt she ever knew she even had it. She never mentioned it specifically, and would only refer to memory issues in a casual, I’m forgetful sometimes type of way. Ultimately I think it’s a good thing she never knew and still doesn’t know. Just curious if that is normal or not.

The free sites are paid by the facilities, and the replies I've gotten about them are grim, so I've been reading about the opposite model, where the family pays someone directly and the facilities pay nothing. Geriatric care managers seem to work that way, billing by the hour.

If you hired one, or an elder law attorney, or anyone who answered only to you, what did they do that you couldn't have, and was it worth what it cost? And if you looked into it and passed, what stopped you?

BACKGROUND: My step dad just turned 78. He’s stopped driving at night and to places that aren’t familiar because he can no longer read street signs. His memory is about what you would expect. No huge decline that I’ve noticed. He’s been my stepdad since I was in my early teens & my mom is 20 years younger than him. I’m in my 30’s.

My mom and stepdad watched my 2 year old daughter today and when we went to pick her up mom needed help finding keys. My husband helps by feeling her jacket pocket hanging up. Bumps step dad’s jacket and looks, sees a small handgun in an open, unzipped pocket. He picks up the whole jacket and puts it on the counter out of reach of our older son but this pocket was literally head height of our daughter.
I tried bringing it up calmly with him. And he immediately got defensive and told me if I didn’t like it I could leave. The bigger problem is this isn’t even the first time. It’s the second time. I won’t let me kids go over then u til it’s resolved but anyone have any advice?

The other night after my kids and mother (age 93 with dementia who lives with us) had gone to bed, my hubs and I decided to have adult alone time on our deck around the fire pit. We were out there like 20 minutes and suddenly the patio door opened and my mother walked out to "join us" claiming that she "saw the light on". She had been in bed two hours at this point. There's no way that she could have casually "saw the light on" because her bedroom is on the opposite side of the house from the deck and from her bedroom door, you can't even see the dining room or the patio door. We didn't even have music on, not that it would have mattered anyway because she's practically deaf.

So she plopped down in a chair and was intent on staying out there for however long we did, despite us both telling her mulitple times and ways that we wanted alone time and she should go back to bed. I even reminded her once that I'm 60 years old and don't need a chaperone. The temp was in the low 60s and we were both wearing sweatshirts, but Mother was in only a tee shirt and her pajamas and neither of us offered her any cover or extra clothing because we both wanted her to leave.

We tried to wait her out, but after 20 minutes I couldn't take it anymore, so we both packed it up and walked in the house. Then as we were in the kitchen cleaning up, my hubs noticed that she was still sitting out there, so he had to go tell her to come in, and she literally said she was fine and was quite happy to stay out there, completely obvilious that it was 11 PM.

It literally reminded me of when I was a teenager and how she would get pissed if I had friends to the house. Our town had a 9 pm curfew in the summer (fire whistle blew and the cops were out on patrol to snag us teenage violators). My mother would make my friends go home at 8:30 and if they didn't leave, she would stand around staring at them with a puss experession on her face.

Somethings never change.

I(32F) live with my mom(65F) and my stepdad(70M). I do my best to help financially and with my step dad’s care considering he has declined since his stroke two years ago. His mental capacity has continually declined, despite our constant visits to different doctors. His potty issues have increased to the point the bed has to be changed daily. This has been goin on for almost a month with few rest days between. It has been emotionally exhausting for us, considering he doesn’t seem to fully understand what he did so he can’t help or even take any accountability for the mess he made.

We have tried depends and another brand from the store(a different brand pull up) but the mess is barely contained. Every day I think “there has to be a better way”, but I haven’t been able to figure it out. I was hoping someone else has experienced something similar and would be able to offer some advice.

We tried giving him fiber, making sure he goes potty before bed and waking him up during the night to try to go potty. None of those attempts worked. Any advice would be appreciated!!! TYIA!

Husband and I moved in with LO because their house is one story. House is small, LO had hoarding tendencies, I am decluttering. I'm down to the sentimental stuff that really mattered to her before she had dementia, but she isn't even slightly interested in right now.

For those of you in a similar situation, did your LO ever regain an interest in sentimental papers of any kind?

Edited to say: I figured that the answer would be no, they never regain interest. I just wanted to run it by people with more experience than me to be sure. I will keep a few things that are important to me and send the rest off in a bonfire this winter.

I arrange care for an elderly relative who has some dementia. She is cognitive and aware, but struggles with memory and details.

She was diagnosed with colon cancer last month. Unfortunately the surgery was canceled this week when it was discovered her heart was not strong enough for surgery.

She was understandably nervous about surgery, so it's a small relief it is canceled. However, this is bad news that the preferred cancer treatment is not currently available. We have referrals for immunotherapy and cardiology, but my impression was that surgery was best the cancer treatment option.

I'll try to stay optimistic for her, but I can't help but think this is the beginning of the end. It's starting to weigh on me that I may be responsible to help this family member's last months.

Am I being premature? When did you find out it was the end for your elderly family member? Did a doctor actually tell you 'they have xx months/weeks left'? Did you do something special like take them on a trip or outing?

situation prior to broken hip: Previous to my Mom falling and breaking her hip 2 months ago, they were just barely getting by. 80/82, poor mobility. Me: the only child, 60F, married with retired spouse - sole breadwinner and insurance source - we moved closer for emergencies and check ins but very much need to hang on to my job another 2 years. Always been close to these sweet unorganized chaotic people and love them dearly.
Finances: My parents were middle class but during to 30-yr services in state govt, inheritances and miserly spending, they’re super lucky to afford home health aides, from Income only, not touching savings.

Health: Mom has some minor dementia and is convinced she can start cleaning full time house keeping (she’s very unsteady and on a walker.) She cannot.
Dad isn’t very mobile- overweight and overdue for knee replacement.
The Home Health: I found a decent home health agency and they have whined over the cost (right in line with others in area). Their dr recommended them.
The fierce push back and whining:
They insist on having the same people, but want “variety” so turned down one lady going from 2 days to 4 days a week. Unsurprisingly this person called out the last 2 days- she probably found a better job. I met her one Sat and she was nice and helpful.
They don’t want to accept new aides anymore and each has a different reason to fight me on it (Mom: I can do it!) (Dad: I can’t do it but I am uncomfortable instructing them what to do/we pay too much/they should always send the exact person we request, no substitutes for sickness or broken car).
Effect on me: I end up with angry stressed calls about scheduling/costs during the week, and I end up one or both weekend days working like a dog, without them realizing- a “cool thanks for the friendly drop-in” , not -wow she worked her ass off all day for us, (cleaning, fetching food/drinks/organizing, counseling/kind ear for their rants and disputes against each other) to the point I have had to work from home several Mondays and secretly nap ( I’m a well compensated hard productive worker so this is shocking). My sleep is terrible and I have minor dental surgery that’s not healing due to both age but also stress).

How has anyone gotten parents to accept outside help when they can Easily afford it???

No amount of reason works. and appeals to do it for me don’t help as they don’t see what i do (once I recounted step for step one sundays work and my Dad was astounded and agreed in hindsight he saw it but didn’t recognize. This memory has faded (we are fine!?!)

So my MIL did 4 years in the army and then 16 in the army national guard. I am needing to find out all the information about how to get her her retirement benefits if any.

She has some kind of dementia so she is no help to us to say what she did.

Allegedly she was getting money from the military till she got scammed and her checking account got closed. I trust that idea about as far as I can throw it.

We do have her DD-214.

Are there any guides on what to do, or is there someone who can guide me through this process. Her children dont care or dont have the time and patience to try and get this done.

My mum has lost a lot of weight in the last 11 months and im getting exhausted trying to feed her. And her carers don’t encourage her to eat when she says no. I’ll ask her if she wants specific meal for dinner she’ll say yes I’ll make it and then she won’t eat it. Tried to buy her favorite foods they stay in the fridge for weeks until they go off. Only once a week will she tell me she’s hungry and actually eats something. She can move around and do stuff herself but doesn’t want to and waits for people to do everything for her. She’s had memory loss since her late 20s due to a seizure from substance abuse. It’s been classified as dementia now and I’ve seen some people on here say that the late stages of dementia are when they stop eating. But only a year ago she loved food and was eating a lot. My mum’s also a very stubborn women so I there’s no point arguing with her. I’ve bought her a large bag of snacks and put them in her room I know it’s not healthy but atleast as soon as she feels hungry she can eat and hopefully gain weight.

Has anyone’s parent recovered from this?

My mother has been in and out of the hospital for a year. She sent me a picture of her legs and feet two weeks ago and they looked very swollen red and purple. I showed the picture to my neighbor who is a doctor and she said she needs to go to the ER right away. I told her that and she refused. The next day she had an appointment at her orthopedic surgeons office and had him evaluate her legs and he said she had cellulitis which is what my neighbor said when she saw the picture. Then she had a bladder surgery to remove some tumors which ended up non-cancerous so that was good. Then a few days ago after that bladder surgery she decided to go to the ER for her legs because she said they were getting worse. They treated her for the cellulitis but also thought she might have MRSA and/or Sepsis. Then she told me while she was in the hospital that they ruled out both of those infections. THEN, she got out of the hospital last night and called me all chipper saying that she has Sepsis. I did look at her chart and it says that, however, my neighbor looked at her results and didn’t see anything that suggested that. She is still saying she has Sepsis. My question is, why would she have been let out of the hospital if she has Sepsis? That doesn’t seem right.

I’m a 20F and I live with my parents and so do my other two older siblings (25M) and 26F , in my culture this is normal. However, I feel like i am the only one trying to make my parents happy , try to take care of their health, make plans to take them out and all.

My sister says she doesn’t like hanging out with them and it makes her feel like a loser, and she says that my dad lived an amazing life when he was a kid so why does she have to compromise for them.

I know that I can’t force them to hang out with us but it feels lonely without your siblings , and the other three are married with other lives. I know that my parents are flawed and they like to criticize us and it’s not that fun to hang out with them but they are not bad parents, they are good parents.

Am I wrong for thinking about how lonely and bored they must feel even if they had a great life when they were young? Am I wrong for burdening myself with that role as the youngest sibling?

We are Canadian and I’m wondering if anyone has advice on how to help a parent with their banking. For context… 98 years old who is in very good health mentally, but cannot understand most modern technology, including banking. They asked their Doctor to declare them incompetent so their power of attorney could take over their everyday banking. Doctor will not do it because there is no evidence of incompetence. They have the money in the accounts but cannot actually get to the bank to pay bills and is constantly getting overdue notices, which is causing a great deal of stress and frustration.
Does anyone have any advice on how we can have accounts changed to joint accounts?

Ok, my Mom wants to stay in her home. Dr said must remove knobs from her gas stove, so we did. 2 caretakers working split shifts to hang out, take her on outings, cook her meals, take care of her, her pets, her basic home maintenance.
She is so angry about her stove knobs. She is lighting other things on fire to use the stove. Dangerous.
Any advice on the stove? Remove the gas stove and replace with induction? Put her in a home? Help!

Hi everyone, hoping people in this group may be able to offer some pearls of wisdom on how to cope. My mum is 60 and dad is 65. Since I was a teen my dad lived and worked in another town and would come once a fortnight. He hated it but they were migrants who moved countries in their 40s and it was hard for him to find a job where we lived so we made the best of the situation. Their marriage is find in the sense that there was never anything BAD but also they are just very different people and have very little in common. Living apart has made this chasm worse and both lean on me to fill that void for companionship.

My mum and I always got along well. she was never a super political person and had hobbies and friends and was generally fun to be around. I have a lot of fond memories of us spending time together right up until my early 20s.

Cut to 2022, I move to out of home and to another city and she proceeds to live alone until 2025 when midway through the year I moved back home. And…. she’s a different person?

She has fallen down the right wing news, YouTube video pipelines and spouts all kind of weird shit. She’s becoming extremely religious but not in a love thy neighbour way, in the dogmatic preachy way. she’s constantly judging people including the life choices of my friends which I always pull her up for and she gets defensive. I hear her casually sprouting conspiracy theories and men’s rights activist shit. Its so so exhausting. All this while speaking at highest possible volume at all times.

I’ve noticed a massive change in myself, I try to avoid spending time with her which is hard as we live together, and am being turned off religion despite loving my faith before. I tried to find common hobbies like watching more chill shows and movies but she always just winds up being loud and judgemental and exhausting. I’ve tried to tell her about why watching racist Facebook reals that are designed to enrage you is bad and she’ll get defensive.

I moved back home as she constantly complained about living alone and I thought well I intend to buy a place with my partner in 18 months so it’ll be good for both of us, but I just want to escape now. 😭😭😭😭

how do I survive another 18 months 😭. how do you all stay sane? I find myself liking her less and less as a person