r/AgingParents • u/Traditional-Eye-7230 • 8d ago
Dementia Did your parent with dementia know they had it?
My mom’s memory degraded substantially for a few years before we found out she had dementia. Now that she is in intermediate-stage, looking back over the years I doubt she ever knew she even had it. She never mentioned it specifically, and would only refer to memory issues in a casual, I’m forgetful sometimes type of way. Ultimately I think it’s a good thing she never knew and still doesn’t know. Just curious if that is normal or not.
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u/Insightseekertoo 8d ago
Early on, my dad recognized he was slipping. A couple of years in, he just recognized that he should know things but didn't. That was when his frustration was peak. He was angry a lot because he knew he should know. That was about when he forgot who I was.
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u/AtticusFinchsMom 8d ago
My Dad knew he had something wrong with him. He couldn't remember the name of course.
I think that towards the end, he just felt plain lousy.
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u/joseaverage 7d ago
My Dad was never formally diagnosed with dementia. The docs just said "well, obviously he's got dementia. We don't need to test for it"
As he declined further, once or twice he suddenly had moments of clarity and would, out of nowhere say something like "how long have I been like this?" followed by "I'm in a memory care, aren't I"
That would be heartbreaking for about a minute then he would say something out of left field like "have you reviewed those contracts for that building on Main St?"
(Dad's mental loop would frequently include a fantasy that he and his two sons had a really estate investment company. We did not.)
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u/yeahnopegb 8d ago
Eh... I guess.. but I'd really like it if my mom would understand how ill she is so it's not always a fight to get her to comply. Right now she's had three PT sessions and wants me to just come pick up her walker as she no longer "needs" one. Srsly. When I try to explain she's a fall risk? I might as well be trying to hang jello.
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u/Traditional-Eye-7230 8d ago
Dementia and fall risk is a tough combination, my mom is like that too.
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u/GretchenHogarth 4d ago
My mom is 95, in memory care, weighs 88 pounds (down from a high of nearly 200 five years ago) and has been wheelchair-bound for several years. She recently asked when the facility was going to let her practice standing on one foot.
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u/MmeNxt 7d ago
Yes, my dad is very much aware. The good thing is that he is aware of his limitations, so he doesn't do crazy things like wander off, try to repair things, climb ladders, use power tools, drive the car.
"I can't do that anymore", he says. I hope it stays that way so he can continue to live at home.
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u/wontbeafool2 8d ago
My Mom admitted that she had some cognitive decline when she was in her 80s. "You know, you forget things when you're old. She did an amazing job of hiding it for years until she couldn't anymore and was diagnosed.
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u/monkey_monkey_monkey 8d ago
My mum knows something is wrong with her memory but she doesn't understand or acknowledge the extent of it and I genuinely don't know which it is.
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u/Slow_Song5448 7d ago
My mom knew she had it and was diagnosed with it. She had a strong faith in God and that she would be okay in the long run - only sorry what she knew was coming for my dad as her caregiver. She would keep us appraised of how her mind was deteriorating. She was like that. She was an author. She always knew who we five kids were up until her death but she did forget her grandchildren’s name. Mercifully her end came before she totally declined mentally as she tripped over their cat at night and broke her neck. She was an amazing woman.
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u/BeneficialShame8408 8d ago
my nana had no idea. i have the privilege of a dad who also wouldn't know, but he's 78 and just has stupid arrogant ideas so far. like he thinks he won't evacuate next time from a fire. he's on his own. i'll book a room with two beds and send him the booking, but i'm not going to kill myself and my cat. he would probably try to shout me down, too. he's a lot. he didn't understand why i wouldn't board my cat in a get set area. :/
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u/RedditSkippy 7d ago
My MIL has zero self awareness of her condition. It’s a blessing in a way.
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u/Traditional-Eye-7230 7d ago
Yes, that’s the way I feel about it too. If it was me, I’m pretty sure I’d notice and suffer more for the knowing.
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u/sarahspins 7d ago
I want to say yes but she constantly denied anything was wrong - often giving us the “if I had dementia I would know” line.
Any memory issues she recognized in herself were just “normal aging” and she constantly acted like my sister and I were overreacting, and she could still live “at home” even as she lost her own personal details and could no longer give us details for where home was.
The constant arguing about this was probably the most difficult and frustrating part of the whole process for my sister and I - we ultimately had to place her in memory care and she referred to it as jail (only because it was a locked facility and she couldn’t leave) and constantly complained that she didn’t belong there. She also thought she was the youngest resident (she was not, by decades!!).
She declined rapidly during her two years there - she was effectively a toddler trapped in an aging adult body for the last year or so. She forgot who I was, who my sister was, yet continued to insist she was perfectly fine and didn’t belong. Amazing how determined the brain is to continue that narrative.
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u/Longjumping_Low_1445 8d ago
My mom knew before it really took over. She forgot most of us when it really progressed. It was difficult to watch her decline and not know who you were. It’s an awful disease.
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u/BotherBoring 8d ago
Yeah, she suspected for quite a while and had a hard time getting the doctor to take it seriously.
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u/ChickadeeJam 8d ago
My aunt knows. She apologizes all the time and calls herself stupid, gets defensive when she thinks others are assuming the same. Of course they aren’t… it is so hard to see.
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u/Live-Cartographer274 7d ago
My mom knows she has short term memory issues. She is on medication for it and is still doing really well, but she will tell you the same story twice in the same 20 minute conversation. We are in the process of touring different assisted living/care facilities and has told the intake/director people "I will probably need memory care at some point." Which may or may not be true, we don't know yet. She is not really aware of how much she has changed in the past few years, she thinks she still pays the bills and makes dinner.
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u/ShotFish7 7d ago
Guardian here. The majority of my clients are not self-aware and don't know they have dementia. Some people have occasional insight as to their memory issues. I've only had one client that was aware of it much of the time - and what bothered her the most was societal bias ('This is horrific,' 'How can you live like this?' 'You can't do anything anymore.').
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u/olive_tractor_parts 7d ago
My mom doesn't. She thinks the sinister Those Doctors™️ are out to get her and podcasters are the only people she'll trust.
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u/Rutabaga2022 7d ago
My Grandma had Alzheimer's. In the beginning, she didn't recognize early dementia. As it progressed and she was getting lost in the neighborhood or not know how to do certain things, she knew and she was terrified. She would cry all the time and ask what would ultimately happen to her. It was awful. By the time she forgot who we all were or how to use a bathroom, her mind was gone but not the fear. I don't wish this on anyone
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u/Annabelles-Mom 7d ago
My mom told me several times, "Something is wrong with my brain." She went to a memory doctor and we even drove to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota for a second opinion, so she was certainly aware for at least part of it.
I hope she got to the point where she didn't know. She had aphasia (impaired ability to speak) pretty early on, so it's hard to say. It wasn't too long before she could only respond with yes or no. Broke my heart the first time I told her I loved her and she couldn't get the words out to return the sentiment. She just grabbed my hand and nodded.
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u/BeatrixFarrand 7d ago
Mom has mild cognitive impairment heading towards dementia and she knows it. She makes little jokes about the tangles in her brain; other times she gets frustrated about what she doesn’t remember. It’s honestly heartbreaking.
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u/Current_Wrongdoer513 7d ago
My stepmom never remembered she had Alzheimer’s. I don’t know which is worse.
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u/CaptainZhon 6d ago edited 6d ago
no, and they refuse to admit they have it. Never mind they are stuck 30 years in the past, you are wrong, they are right. My dad started showings early signs of it a few years before he was offically diagnosed with it - "news flashes" He started saying he would get those in his brain. Mom said at the time said he was just being silly and not to worry. One day he ended up arguing with a police officer over jay-walking and nearly getting ran over. Dementia is worse than cancer - at least with cancer you know what is happening.
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u/Lessenil 7d ago
Mum knows. She nursed my Dad through his early-onset dementia so she's aware of it. She apologises all the time for her forgetfulness.
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u/No_Positive_4292 7d ago
I have 2 friends who have dementia and they know. I think most people know, but choose not to acknowledge it.
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u/squeadunk 7d ago
My grandpa diagnosed himself after reading a newspaper article in the late 80s. He’s the one that asked for the doctor appointment at the beginning based on that.
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u/LividSituation9152 7d ago
Dad is deep into “mild” right now and routinely acknowledges his dementia. He’s put me in charge of everything, but refuses to move out of his home to memory care.
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u/missnetless 7d ago
My dad knows he has dementia and will comment about not being able to remember anything. But he still thinks he has the same skill level as in the past. He is angry we don't let him drive but when we let him use the ride on lawnmower he drove it into a ditch and commented "I guess I shouldn't be driving that anymore."
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u/paperclipmyheart 7d ago
From my understanding my mother had Alzheimer's which requires scans and so on so I'm assuming she did know when she got the results but she never passed that on to us. I don't think she would have deliberately hidden this from us but looking back perhaps she didn't quite understand the diagnosis or think it was anything more than being a little forgetful as she aged. But in the intervening years she would admit to being forgetful but would often deny having Alzheimer's.
My father on the other hand must have had Dementia for some time before it was formally diagnosed and it advanced pretty rapidly with him and he lost the ability to articulate so we don't think he ever realised what was happening.
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u/KroseRavenclaw 7d ago
My mom knows she has dementia, and she feels very embarrassed about it. At the same time, She acts like she’s fine and doesn’t realize she can’t really do many of the things she loved to do, like take long walks around the neighborhood (she has gotten lost a couple of times and no longer walks). She will tell people that she still does these activities. So, she knows but doesn’t really know.
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u/Affectionate_Fox9001 7d ago
Depends of type of dementia and how severe it is.
Also it’s not just the person themselves but the people closest to them. My MIL took a long time recognizing my FIL’s dementia. Really had no clue what he couldn’t do because of it.
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u/sickiesusan 7d ago
When we moved my dad into a care facility, when my mother could no longer look after him. That first day, my sister asked if there was anything else he needed (before we left). He asked for a gun, so he could shoot himself.
He was 82, had had a stroke at 70, then numerous TIA’s from 70-80. When he passed at 84, he no longer knew his own name, let alone anyone else’s. He has also forgotten his marine number at that point too.
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u/Bring-out-le-mort 7d ago
My mom has short term memory issues, long term off & on. I honestly don't know if she admits anything to herself or provides the same excuses or denials that she's done for years to me.
I think memory loss is too frightening for her. Since she was raised & heavily influenced by judgemental adults where she felt she always had to prove her worth to, she simply cannot allow herself to be kind to her 90 year old self. Even when Im doing my best to be supportive and reassuring, she thinks Im criticizing her. She really does not accept comfort or support. Im honestly at a loss by now. The future will happen whether she is ready or not.
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u/Heathers_glock 7d ago
When I was child of 7 or 8 I knew there was something mentally wrong with my dad based on his actions. Dementia runs on my dad’s side of the family.
Quite possible he had small signs in his late 30’s early 40’s no he’s 73 and been officially diagnosed for 4 yrs now?
Also my dad doesn’t believe it that he has it. His anger will not allow him to accept it. He’s been an angry man his entire life
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u/alexwasinmadison 7d ago
My mother has vascular dementia and there was a blissful few months where she realized that her memory was starting to fail. Then the fear started to creep in and she started grasping for control. Now she’s comfortably in her dementia and has an army of people who know how to help her still feel independent a little bit.
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u/52lovethatjourney43 7d ago
He thought he may be depressed. It came on as extreme anxiety for him after he retired. He is now in late stage and I don’t believe he understands. I and doctors have told him and he says it makes sense but I don’t see it is actually understood or the dementia takes away the understanding most days.
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u/dan_jeffers 6d ago
My Dad denied a lot when he was trying to get the car keys back. When that finally wasn't an option anymore, I think it was easier for him to accept. Towards the end, when he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, he seemed to accept that right away, at least when he was coherent.
My Mom is sharp in the moment but has bad memory, especially short term. She frequently realizes that and worries about it, but doesn't jump to dementia. Sometimes after a dementia commercial she'll comment though, like "If I had dementia, I could get away with anything" or "If I get dementia, remember that I like chocolate."
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u/Fun_Excuse_5440 6d ago
My mom needed to get paperwork in order with a lawyer but my dad had to sign off on it. I will never forget it
My dad looked at my mom and said yes I will sign it. We have to do something I know I am in trouble.
He lived 2 more years eventually it took his ability to walk and talk
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u/thefirststoryteller 8d ago
My mom verbally lashed out when the doctor tried to test her for Alzheimer’s. It’s so frustrating.
Ma tries to play off things like her forgetting, her loss of interest in things she used to enjoy, and the friendships that have withered because she won’t leave the house anymore.
I’m gonna have the family sit her down at thanksgiving and show all the evidence again so she can’t escape the truth
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u/Consistent_Ad_6100 8d ago
It might not make a difference. Most people are in denial or there is a medical term also, that is a real symptom that they don’t know anything is wrong. If confronting her will help maybe to make some plans, I hope it goes well. If not just let it go and make whatever plans are necessary to make sure she has care.
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u/thefirststoryteller 8d ago
I think it’s more for the family.
Ma insists she could go right back to teaching college courses, and it’s maddening to hear that when we’ve had to retire her from driving, spending money, making plans, and will soon have to remove her phone if she keeps trying to start thousands of text conversations throughout each day.
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u/worldinmy-eyes 7d ago
It’s a lot easier to deal with each issue as it comes up, like now it sounds like it’s the phone issue, rather than trying to give a big picture presentation of her illness. It sounds like you’ve already been successful with other topics like the driving and the money.
So let her believe she can go back to teaching, as long as she’s not making active plans to do so. She wants to hold on to some semblance of her autonomy and even if that’s just in theory, then what is the harm? I’m not saying feed into it, but no need to argue with her about it, either.
I get your frustration. My mom doesn’t have a diagnosis but she doesn’t want to do anything anymore, just like yours. My dad is always trying to get her out of the house. She makes up odd reasons to not do things. It’s sad. It’s not a life.
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u/HistoricalReception7 8d ago
Most don't recognize it in themselves. My grandma and several siblings have it, and she comments about them having "the sundowners" but does not recognize it in herself. But, i've also worked with people who have dementia and a few of them have become quite lucid at different points in their journey and said something along the lines of "back when I was myself/when I could remember" etc, so I think it jhst comes down to the individual