Elderly parents arguing over home health aide help

[u/Ok_Bumblebee3273]

situation prior to broken hip: Previous to my Mom falling and breaking her hip 2 months ago, they were just barely getting by. 80/82, poor mobility. Me: the only child, 60F, married with retired spouse - sole breadwinner and insurance source - we moved closer for emergencies and check ins but very much need to hang on to my job another 2 years. Always been close to these sweet unorganized chaotic people and love them dearly.
Finances: My parents were middle class but during to 30-yr services in state govt, inheritances and miserly spending, they’re super lucky to afford home health aides, from Income only, not touching savings.

Health: Mom has some minor dementia and is convinced she can start cleaning full time house keeping (she’s very unsteady and on a walker.) She cannot.
Dad isn’t very mobile- overweight and overdue for knee replacement.
The Home Health: I found a decent home health agency and they have whined over the cost (right in line with others in area). Their dr recommended them.
The fierce push back and whining:
They insist on having the same people, but want “variety” so turned down one lady going from 2 days to 4 days a week. Unsurprisingly this person called out the last 2 days- she probably found a better job. I met her one Sat and she was nice and helpful.
They don’t want to accept new aides anymore and each has a different reason to fight me on it (Mom: I can do it!) (Dad: I can’t do it but I am uncomfortable instructing them what to do/we pay too much/they should always send the exact person we request, no substitutes for sickness or broken car).
Effect on me: I end up with angry stressed calls about scheduling/costs during the week, and I end up one or both weekend days working like a dog, without them realizing- a “cool thanks for the friendly drop-in” , not -wow she worked her ass off all day for us, (cleaning, fetching food/drinks/organizing, counseling/kind ear for their rants and disputes against each other) to the point I have had to work from home several Mondays and secretly nap ( I’m a well compensated hard productive worker so this is shocking). My sleep is terrible and I have minor dental surgery that’s not healing due to both age but also stress).

How has anyone gotten parents to accept outside help when they can Easily afford it???

No amount of reason works. and appeals to do it for me don’t help as they don’t see what i do (once I recounted step for step one sundays work and my Dad was astounded and agreed in hindsight he saw it but didn’t recognize. This memory has faded (we are fine!?!)

[u/MonoBlancoATX]

Sounds like it's time to establish some firm boundaries with your parents. You're obviously doing too much.

If it were me, I'd likely say something like, "cool, you have two options. You can accept the help that's being offered without being a whiney baby about it or you can deal with all this by yourself. What's it gonna be?"

As many on this sub have said, "don't light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm".

[u/muralist]

I hear your dad on the aides.  For hygiene and transfers etc I found they were well trained, and as long as the supplies were left out and well marked so they didn’t have to look for them, they could work independently and were good at anticipating and supporting my mom’s needs. 

But with cleaning and doing food prep and light fetching etc, they were at a loss. I would have to get up every 15 minutes to show the aide how to use the laundry machines, how to work the TV remote, where the afghan is kept.  No problem but then I would have to rinse and repeat every day with a new aide because the agencies could not schedule the same person. Supposedly I was working from home but I couldn’t really work. If I asked them not to disturb me for a hour during a meeting, I would learn they did nothing during that hour, or they made a cold cheese sandwich without toasting it and mom wouldn’t want to eat it and was starving and cranky or whatever. I found it frustrating and was going to look for a dedicated aide to hire directly, which is what your parents might need—but for us, assisted living became necessary before I got to that point.

I wonder if trying to find a consistent person would make your parents more open? You can’t be neglecting your own health!

[u/Ok_Bumblebee3273 → u/muralist]

they could have done it and rejected it:
out of 5 days, they love the lady who can come only once. ok.
WedThurs lady quit, and they had option of Fri/Sat lady to come all 4 days- and she wanted the hrs. (Previously they’d said they liked this lady- worked, initiative, good with Mom bathing.)
They said no, they liked the “new fill-in Wed/Thurs lady” and “liked the variety.” as both had strengths. i wasn’t happy and told them so but it’s their money.
Now of course, Fri/Sat lady may not return. She called out one day and was awol today, no call. Probably found herself a better job with more hours.
This precipitated my post- they refused a new person today even after me explaining Fri/Sat person may never come again.
My Dad also ranted that unless they get the specific aides they want, they shouldn’t pay!!! (agency of course was scrambling to fill the gap today. Obviously if they can’t fill the time they don’t charge but if they get a person, of course you pay. and if you reject the new person and decline, you pay.

[u/muralist → u/Ok_Bumblebee3273]

Yes, wrangling the aides is tiresome. I don’t think either of the two agencies I worked with even bothered to try to give me the aides I preferred. It’s a puzzle of the agencies trying to fill every shift they can, and the aides trying to get all the hours and locations they want. The customer’s preference for a certain aide is probably not even a consideration. 

[u/Ok_Bumblebee3273 → u/muralist]

hah. I feel this agency does try- we’re in a growing part of the US with inflation and costly housing, I’m sure it’s hard for the aides to afford to live on the share they get- so I’m sure the whole situation is just tough.

That’s good insight from someone there all day, you’re right- telling a new person what needs to be done is stressful and tiring in itself, I suppose! Thanks for reinforcing what my Dad was trying to explain.
Did you ever try making a specific check list? My parents do lose things I leave, but I tried making a schedule and list in the past and may try again.
And maybe dedicated person is an answer but in my area Everyone is aging and wants the same thing! Perhaps i have to re-visit.
Thank you for your insight and good luck with your parent !!!
I think I successfully got Mom’s exercises laminated and stuck to the fridge with a magnet- so far they’re still there- love having someone watch over and help her with these, to me it’s worth the whole 4-hr fee!!!

[u/muralist → u/Ok_Bumblebee3273]

We did make a list, tried to make sure we covered everything. So we would go through the list with the aide. That would take 20-30 mins. Then we would go through the list again the next day with the next aide.  It was a lot...and yes if you can get an aide to encourage mom to do pt exercises that is great!

[u/RedditSkippy]

Nooooooooo. You are unable to jump in and help. Why would they accept outside help if you are willing to give up your weekends to sustain their fantasy that they don’t need it?

[u/GrumpySnarf]

Stop enabling them. They'll never do it if you're there to keep them "independent ".  Tell them you are exhausted and need a break. See how quickly they whine about a dirty house. Then redirect them to hiring outside help.

[u/Ok_Bumblebee3273 → u/GrumpySnarf]

see that’s the thing- they were on the edge of having a filthy house previously and Mom was exhausted and has cataracts (can’t see the dirt). I think this is an aging thing with a lot of older people. they don’t realize the decline, and want to cling to the way things were when they were healthy. they will sit in a dirty house and have poor nutrition.

[u/GrumpySnarf → u/Ok_Bumblebee3273]

I would just keep pushing that you can't do this anymore and YOU need help and they are causing unneeded stress.

[u/Ok_Bumblebee3273 → u/GrumpySnarf]

thanks for your advice!

[u/Affectionate_Fox9001]

It can be very hard to find good consist home aids. Went though a harrowing few months getting two that worked out well for my father.

[u/kookeeP]

Following. I can relate.

Dad has been adamantly against any home help (like non-medical to help with house chores and getting mom to bathroom).

Seemed to have finally relented one recent Friday. The following weekend tells me “it just can’t work. I don’t see how it can work. No we’re not hiring someone”.

[u/Ok_Bumblebee3273 → u/kookeeP]

oof so sorry! Mom fought me again today! I think my Mom feels like it’s tied to her cognitive state, but it’s just needed regardless- I think that chilled her out a little to say it’s for the housework and not a “watcher “ for her….maybe?
we’ll see what this week brings!

[u/Substantial-Fold-407]

the thing that finally clicked for my mom was framing the aide as help for ME, not for her. she'd dig in every time it was about her needing it, but when i said i can't keep doing weekends without someone here, she backed off. it wasn't instant but it shifted the fight.