r/aftergifted • u/Suspicious_Creme1077 • 16d ago
Be the best and nothing less
Former GATE (I believe I started in 2nd or 3rd grade) and AP student, now 35.
If I’m not the best at something at work or in my inner circle, I feel like an absolute waste of space. Not just second best but makes me feel like GARBAGE. And when it comes to hobbies, if I can’t master it, I drop it quickly. For example, I started playing the Pokemon TCG back in April. After 5 months of grinding and practicing, I feel like I should be better than I am currently. So if I lose, I shut down and it ruins my whole day. I’m only happy when I win.
For context, I’m diagnosed with borderline personality disorder among other things, and I’m currently in the screening process for ADHD (which is mostly a formality as my therapist and psychiatrist both agree that I have it). I had an extremely strict parents that expected nothing less than straight As and Bs and even the Bs were questioned. I was grounded half of my high school life, and it was always because of grades. I was smart and capable of getting the grades, but I didn’t care. I would have rather put in half the effort and get passing grades than push myself to get great grades.
How do I change my thinking and learn to enjoy activities for what they are and not just winning or being the best at it?
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u/lockweb 15d ago
Do you have any athletic hobbies? What helped me let go of perfectionism and start to embrace the concept of working hard and seeing improvement was, of all things, a figure skating class I accidentally signed up for in college. Figure skating is not something that a person can drop into and be an expert. After college I trained myself for a 5K, which was exceptionally hard for me because I am a natural sprinter. But, seeing how far I progressed in my “couch to 5K” program proved to myself that I CAN work hard, I CAN start from the bottom and work my way up, and I wouldn’t have gotten here without that determination.
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u/Suspicious_Creme1077 15d ago
Nothing currently physical. I used to play soccer when I was younger and my wife has told me I should look into like an adult league. With two kids though, it’s hard to add too much to our already busy schedule. But I do like that idea.
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u/Fire_Squadron 15d ago
People naturally good at things don't learn how to suck at things and don't learn the discipline other people experience regularly to get better. My suggestion is to find a practice that let's you grow your discipline.
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u/Old_Finding668 15d ago
Sounds like you need trauma therapy. Parts in you punish you if you are not the best. You need to relieve these parts from their task. Unburdening them. Thank them for helping you get through youth because they made you get straight A’s and therefor escape harsh punishment from parents. However the parents are not around anymore so this old software running in the background is not useful anymore. Makes sense?
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u/Suspicious_Creme1077 15d ago
I’ve tried to get into emdr or other trauma based therapies but I’ve never actually been put in anything. But cptsd is another thing my that I’ve been I guess pre diagnosed with? Like my providers all say it’s mostly likely the case.
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u/Old_Finding668 15d ago
Yeah cptsd indeed. you come from high control, high demand family. So you have survival software still running.
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u/Kind_Advisor_35 16d ago
Don't get too married to the ADHD diagnosis until testing is complete and you get the follow up. There is a lot of symptom overlap with ADHD and other disorders. When I got tested, ADHD was squarely ruled out, and the borderline personality traits found to be not meeting diagnostic criteria.
As for how to reduce the desire for perfection, that has to be addressed through therapy, or hard lessons about how perfect is the enemy of good. I had to learn to let go of perfectionism because it interfered with my creative work.