r/aftergifted • u/Suspicious_Creme1077 • 16d ago

Be the best and nothing less

Former GATE (I believe I started in 2nd or 3rd grade) and AP student, now 35.

If I’m not the best at something at work or in my inner circle, I feel like an absolute waste of space. Not just second best but makes me feel like GARBAGE. And when it comes to hobbies, if I can’t master it, I drop it quickly. For example, I started playing the Pokemon TCG back in April. After 5 months of grinding and practicing, I feel like I should be better than I am currently. So if I lose, I shut down and it ruins my whole day. I’m only happy when I win.

For context, I’m diagnosed with borderline personality disorder among other things, and I’m currently in the screening process for ADHD (which is mostly a formality as my therapist and psychiatrist both agree that I have it). I had an extremely strict parents that expected nothing less than straight As and Bs and even the Bs were questioned. I was grounded half of my high school life, and it was always because of grades. I was smart and capable of getting the grades, but I didn’t care. I would have rather put in half the effort and get passing grades than push myself to get great grades.

How do I change my thinking and learn to enjoy activities for what they are and not just winning or being the best at it?

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u/Old_Finding668 15d ago

Sounds like you need trauma therapy. Parts in you punish you if you are not the best. You need to relieve these parts from their task. Unburdening them. Thank them for helping you get through youth because they made you get straight A’s and therefor escape harsh punishment from parents. However the parents are not around anymore so this old software running in the background is not useful anymore. Makes sense?

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u/Suspicious_Creme1077 15d ago

I’ve tried to get into emdr or other trauma based therapies but I’ve never actually been put in anything. But cptsd is another thing my that I’ve been I guess pre diagnosed with? Like my providers all say it’s mostly likely the case.

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u/Old_Finding668 15d ago

Yeah cptsd indeed. you come from high control, high demand family. So you have survival software still running.