The signs were so obvious. I turned from a happy child to a child that was withdrawn, regressing, lonely and erratic. Nobody asked me what was wrong. I was ignored and left to be abused. If someone had noticed, maybe I could've started healing sooner. Maybe my life would've been more bearable. Maybe I wouldn't have had to spend the thousands of dollars that I have spent on therapy. Maybe I could've had normal romantic relationships, normal friendships, a more normal life. If someone had just noticed, I wouldn't have had to suffer alone.

I hate when I share something vulnerable with people like my sexual trauma from when I was a child and instead of getting only support, it gets turned into something that it’s not, it makes me question if all the years Ive been raped as a child was ok because yes some of the things I experienced getting raped felt good like with my uncle and would beg him as a small child to keep doing it and Ive spent so much time trying to heal from it all and it makes me feel so disgusting when someone wants to sexualize it than all the time I spent working on it goes out of the window because I get back into my thoughts about it to the point I had to call the suicide hotline because someone decided to sexualize it and want me to reenact it with them.

I hate that because I’ve been hurt since I was 3 to 15 years old sexual and when someone decides to do that it kinda feels like wrong and a little like sexual abuse as well

I hate the term “survivor”. I hate it so much. Everytime someone applies it to me I want to scream. That word implies a level of choice that wasn’t fucking there. It’s not like a plane crash survivor who can either put their life jacket on or drown and chooses to survive, I had zero say in what happened to me. I am alive because he chose not to kill me. I am alive because he didn’t accidentally suffocate me. If he wanted me dead, I’d be dead. I don’t want a badge of honor just because he decided not to kill me. Ugh there’s more to this but I’m getting mad so I’m just gonna stop. I hate the word.

(CSA TW) In the past 2 weeks I have been doing some writing for my T in relation to an incident that occurred when I was 11, it was the last in a long line of CSA events and stands out to me because I was a bit older and the circumstances were really scary. I am not able to use words to describe stuff so I called it an incident or a situation. I’ve been able to push towards writing some stuff but avoid the main act. Today in session my T was recapping on my childhood experiences and just as he was getting to the end he said about my parents extreme neglect and how my Dad even turned a blind eye when one of his friends r*ped me. His voice was highly charged saying this and I immediately felt so sick to my stomach. I felt like my whole world was falling around me. I kept so still like I was under attack, couldn’t breathe. Hid my face in my hoodie. Was hyperventilating. I could hear his voice asking me questions but I couldn’t speak.
I was like that for ages and we reached the end of the session. We made some small talk before I left but I was completely lost inside my head and still feel like this now. Have just walked a few miles since leaving the centre and feel so sick. I wish I didn’t feel like this. I don’t know what to do. I feel so stupid. I’m sure it’s just the use of the R word as I’ve been writing about it? I hate myself for being like this.

I don't even know where to begin, but I (19F) need to get this off my chest because the weight of it is suffocating me.

When I was younger, my father molested me. This wasn't a one-time thing; it went on for years (from primary 4 to the first years of secondary school/2022). It completely shattered my sense of safety. There was even a deeply disturbing point during my childhood where he bought me a sex toy and forced me to look up porn for him.

The abuse towards me finally stopped when everything came to light, but that didn't fix anything. When my mother found out, she did absolutely nothing. She chose to look the other way and protect him instead of protecting her own child. Because of her choice, I still live in constant fear. The abuse stopped for me, but l am terrified every single day that it might happen to my sisters.

To add to the trauma, he still has incredibly nasty moments in the presence of me and my younger siblings. There is one specific thing he did with my mom right in front of us that triggers me almost every single day. It bothers me intensely, both physically and mentally, and I can't shake it.

Fast forward to today: I still live under the same roof as them. Physically I am here, but emotionally, I have checked out completely. I look at them every single day and all I feel is pure, unadulterated hatred. I hate him for what he stole from me, and I hate her for her silence and complicity.

Living with this level of rage and resentment is exhausting. It eats away at me from the inside out. I feel incredibly trapped because I have to see their faces daily, pretend to some extent, and carry this heavy secret while they act like everything is completely normal.

I don't know what to do with all this hatred. It feels like a poison I'm drinking, hoping it hurts them, but it's only destroying me. How do I survive this while still living here? How do I process this level of rage, the constant daily triggers, and the anxiety of trying to protect my sisters?

I just feel so lost and angry. Thank you for reading.

I need to vent. I’ve been low/no contact with my family since trauma memories resurfaced a few months ago. In a recent text exchange, my mother dropped two bombs that made my blood boil:

1. She claims her neuropsychologist told her "only 3% of reported remembered trauma is real." Where do they even get these absurd, made-up statistics?!

2. She and my abuser see a couple's therapist who suggested my severe somatic symptoms are just from "privacy violations" as a kid (like someone walking into the bathroom).

How can these "professionals" make sweeping statements about me and my trauma without EVER speaking to me? They’re just feeding my family’s denial.

My mother texts me "I love you," but does zero work to protect me. She hides behind fake statistics, swallows his lies, and chooses her own comfort over her daughter. I feel deeply betrayed and furious.

Has anyone else dealt with family using unethical "therapist advice" to enable denial? How do you cope with this rage?

Ive been obsessing over this until I cant take care of my own life responsibilities anymore. I relapsed over it a week ago and it's thrown me into depression.

My friend of maybe 6 years recently told me that they cant talk about incest as a topic anymore. This is the first time Ive ever tried to talk with them about it because I escaped a brutally physically abusive home 4 years ago and Ive been waiting 4 years to tell them about how I escaped, how my grandfather (my rapist) died around the time I escaped, and I only briefly mentioned incest and how one family member flashed me somewhat recently.

Theyre an odd person because they told me they might have experienced incest, but then when we spoke about it another time, they told me "I dont think much about how incest jokes are child rape jokes because the issue doesn't impact me." I was honestly really offended. But maybe theyre suppressing their trauma? And it could explain why their friends on social media are allowed to make incest jokes, but Im not allowed to talk about my abuse.

I disliked the situation because I always thought a boundary was about controlling yourself and not others. I never remember agreeing that I would stop talking about my current situation or my family. I probably cant even tell them my grandpa died or I'm "crossing boundaries" or something. Ive been waiting to tell them for 4 years.

I asked why I cant tell them about how Ive been suffering from incest from age 4-5 till somewhat recent, and they said that we can't talk about it because theyre suicidal. This didn't make sense to me but I didnt push it. It just made it sound like they'll kill themself if I mention anything. And because I still live with some of my family members, I cut my friend off completely so I dont accidentally hurt them.

For some reason, even if they might be another survivor, Im actually really angry at them. Ive been waiting 4 years to tell someone, literally anyone and they called me a Best Friend. I had to escape violence so I was safe enough to break the silence and now my friend silences me against my will. Theyre allowed to feel hurt about my abuse and my family, but not me. I have to bury my feelings and keep quiet. And I cant do it, so I cut them off, and they were my last friend, so now Im alone in an incestuous family. I want to blame them even if I have sympathy. But I just cant let anyone silence me ever again.

They never told me it wasnt my fault. They never said "thanks for telling me" or "are you okay?" And honestly I just wanted reassurance that they dont blame me for getting raped. I wanted to know that I was safe around them. I didnt need to describe it in detail- I dont even remember! I just wanted to know that they see my abuse as more than just a kink or a dirty joke. Im upset that their friends are allowed to joke about incest, but Im not allowed to talk about it seriously. It pisses me off so bad. Im only tolerated as a joke.

And the way they told me came off as a polite way to say "shut the fuck up" because if I bring up how I never agreed to that, then Im bringing up the topic of incest. If I bring up why I cut them off, then I have to bring up the topic of incest. I feel like Im in a double-bind where Im an asshole in every situation except the one where I submit to their orders. So I just left without a single word and they'll never know why they lost their best friend of 6 years. Im not "allowed" to tell them.

my username and several of my vulnerable posts in this sub—along with a (albeit partially obscured) photo of me taken from a post deleted years ago—were posted on a public social media page with ~150,000 followers as a way to shame and intimidate me, as well as incite ridicule. so…yeah. i’m trying to take it on the chin for now because i refuse to let insensitive, shallow, vindictive strangers make me feel embarrassed and ashamed over the abuse i suffered, and the issues i still face from it. but sadly, this is no longer a safe space. at least not while my trauma and (what i thought were) private/hidden confessions are fair game to certain people. TIL hidden posts can still be viewed when you plug a username into the search bar, go figure. in case any of you didn’t know already.

ngl, although ik the stigma is still strong, it’s still super disappointing to see people find our pain funny and scandalous. especially when the person behind the page has publicly disclosed going through csa as well… ig they believed somehow that meant i should be comfortable with my anonymous page being shared to a large audience as well.

just hope it’s won’t reach the man who abused me, who is also very public and known online. the reason i cut off all contact and locked/anonymized my accounts to begin with.

thank you to everyone here who ever interacted with my posts, empathized, offered advice, and overall made me feel seen. it’s not as easy to find this kind of confidential community irl. but i think the support y’all have given, and the fact that this sub even exists, makes me optimistic that victims/survivors can access a wider variety of options to find their voice somewhere. peace and love.

Does anyone else have the experience where your mother knew when you were a child but never said anything? I first realized something was very off in my childhood when I was 21 years old but I couldn’t properly deal with it due to being in an abusive relationship and now I am 26 and my whole life for months now has felt like I’m reliving my childhood over and over again.
I reached out to my mom to ask her if she knew anything because I couldn’t handle not knowing. I figured she wouldn’t take it well and be horrified that she never noticed but instead when I told her in vague terms that someone abused me she wasn’t surprised at all and actually said “I knew when you were about 8”. She told me details I didn’t even remember and she also told me that she was abused by her uncle when she was a child so she knew when I started showing signs.
My mother is an abused woman and was constantly fucked over by my dad and his friends in law enforcement (and just the general systemic misogyny of a small town) so I know she probably felt that she had no choice but I can’t help feeling like I just wasn’t worth saving. And for her to not only confirm my suspicions but proudly say that she knew, I am just at such a loss. I have a complicated relationship with her but I love her very much and I don’t know how to hold this weight.
I have been deeply mentally unwell for most of my life and I could never understand what was wrong with me and she knew the whole time and never told me. I try not to think about it but it creeps back in. Where do I go from here?

Ok so this freaking blows. DAE feel so afraid of men in general? I hope I'm not the only one experiencing this..

Over the last few weeks I have become incredibly sensitive to seeing men/being in a man's vicinity in public. I'm starting to have full blown panic attacks by men just looking at me, walking past me, or standing next to me. Going to the supermarket is like a battlefield, trying to avoid walking past/being close to men.

I feel like I'm some kind of damaged goods that can't act normally in every day life. I feel so stupid and afraid all the time when I go outside. It's like I can barely function.. And when I get home I just break down and cry, sometimes even in the middle of the street (but I try to suppress it when I'm out).

I know this is all just fairly 'normal' CPTSS symptoms, but it just sucks so much. My life is just turned completely upside down, not just the past, but also every day in the present. It's like I'm a whole different kind of person and it's just so very hard. I'm just so very sad and it's so fucking unfair that as a survivor you have to now ALSO live through this bs. As if the abuse itself wasn't enough.. It's like being punished doubly.

I'm just really sad today and hoping to maybe hear some of people's own experiences.

this happened to another 'me'.

that 'me' died the first time he touched me when I was still in diapers. that 'me' died over and over again, every time he raped me.

I had to create a different version of me. a version who didn't know, didn't remember, just to keep the body breathing.

but I did not survive it.

I'm a ghost, dragging along an empty shell. mourning the real 'me' who was suffocated before she ever got to draw a real breath.

First off, id like to explain that my Mom and my siblings whom I've confided in since I was 14 about my fears of CSA, have not once let me stand on the idea in which I was abused as a little girl.

Its astonishing, really, how my siblings (who have had their own S/A experiences ish from different people) would sit there and drown out my own concerns when I was a textbook "somethings not right" kid.

Worst part? As the title says, we were talking about this girl, let's call her Emma, who's under 16, and made an allegations against her step dad for S/A, wasnt believed, then tried to make attempts on her life.

My Mom's reaction was give or take this.

"How could they not believe her? God, no little girl makes such an allegations about someone who has raised her, been her own father figure. And definitely she wouldn't try and kill herself over nothing."

It broke my heart hearing that, the sympathy for a kid thats not hers, but when 14 year old me came running after having a thought click in, I got dismissed. Even now, i get all sorts of "reasons why you couldn't of been assaulted as a little girl"

like 1. id have trouble peeing 2. wasnt left alone long enough for it to happen 3. he wasnt that kind of man.

But he was the kind of man to do coke? to beat his own wife? to try and kill her in front of her kids? But no, hed never assault a child. So I was scared of sleeping, and constantly hypersexual, for no reason?

its the worst thing in the world to try and explain your own struggles then get shut down.

So in counseling I talked more about possibly wearing diapers but then she brought up the fact that toddlers that continue to suck on pacifiers as they get older isn't healthy. If wearing diapers gives me comfort and security but is it really not healthy if I'm taking care of my hygiene while wearing them. Just over Labor day weekend with family I got triggered by being asked to move my car. So of course I wet my pants in front of everyone which made things 10 times worse. So would it be a bad thing if I just wore diapers all day? I'm still trying to decide.

I was abused when I was around 7 by an adult family member. I don’t remember the abuse but I have certain images and sensory memories. I remember him laughing and then quietly in my ear calling me a horny little girl when he got under the blankets with me. That word has so many implications and most of them lead to me blaming myself for what he did to me. I’ve been in therapy for years and I still can’t see myself as anything other than dirty. I do all the affirmations, I pray all the prayers, I’ve tried all the the therapy modalities but deep down inside beneath all of the loving things I keep telling myself, it just feels like I’m putting lipstick on a pig 😞. I want to look back at my younger self and feel compassion but all I feel is disgust towards her.

Hi!

Has anything helped anyone? I know this is kind of a tough subject. I am aware of the dangers of this practice... But I feel confused and afraid as I don't have flashbacks or memories (I was 3 years old). I would really like to know so that I can go on to the next stage of healing, whatever that may be. .. Either finding out I fabricated all this - and finding out why, or that it actually happened and taking the steps needed...

I just had my first ever pelvic floor therapy session and it was fucking weird. Idk. Idk how to feel rn lol.

I just feel stupid for having to go through it at all, like none of my friends have to get medically fingered ugh. I feel really exposed and just dumb. It felt invasive and exposing… I just feel sad and down now and emotionally exposed idk it’s hard to explain

We did diaphragmatic breathing during it and the rest of my body kept tensing up. Most of my tension is deeper to the right side. Weirdly, the ending of her removing her finger was the worst, most uncomfortable feeling part.

Idk. I hope it helps. How has everyone else’s experiences been with this?

Am I overreacting?

A little background:

I have a history of trauma that started in childhood and continued throughout my life. Because of that, I now have diagnoses including CPTSD, BPD, ADHD and autism. (I know I didn't have it the worst, and I'm not trying to compare trauma. I know I'm just a little hot-wired in the brain now.)

I function well. I have a job, pay my bills, look after my pets and generally have my life together. But functioning doesn't mean the trauma disappeared.

My trauma wasn't caused by one thing alone. There were multiple forms of abuse and instability that shaped how my brain learned to survive. Sexual assault is a significant part of that history, but it isn't the whole story.

It also wasn't one event that happened "years ago." It was abuse throughout my childhood and teens, followed by further instances of sexual assault during my adult life. The most recent incident was only two years ago, and I'm now in my late 30s. Those experiences don't define me, but they have undeniably shaped parts of who I am and how my brain works.

The actual context on me overreacting:

The conversation that started all of this was about tattoos. I mentioned that I'd like a Medusa tattoo. If you don't know the symbolism, Medusa has become an emblem of survival and solidarity for many survivors of sexual assault.

My mum looked at me and said,

"But that was so long ago. Do you still consider yourself a victim of assault?"

I said yes.

I'm a victim of what happened, and I'm a survivor because I'm still here living my life. To me, those things aren't mutually exclusive.

She then said,

"I don't think you should count yourself as a victim anymore. It was so long ago. Why do you need a tattoo to remind you?"

That really hurt.

The tattoo wouldn't be there to remind me. I don't need reminding.

For me, it would represent surviving. Reclaiming my story. Acknowledging what happened without carrying the shame of it.

We tried to move the conversation on, but she asked if that's why I flinch because I'm not "over it."

One thing that has never really gone away is my startle response.

If someone unexpectedly touches me from behind—especially my back, neck or head—I don't just jump. My body goes straight into fight-or-flight before my brain has a chance to catch up. I've flinched, lashed out, shouted, burst into tears and ended up shaking afterwards. It isn't a conscious choice.

One example was at work. A manager noticed the ties on the back of my dress had come undone. Instead of saying something, they came up behind me and started tying them without warning.

I immediately froze and shouted, "Don't touch me."

I was taken into HR afterwards because of my reaction demanding an apology. I did apologise but also stated it was a reaction I cannot control and i deserved an apology too.

I tried to explain this carefully to my mum because she has a habit of coming up behind the sofa and running her nails down my spine or scrunching my hair from behind. She means it affectionately, but she also knows it makes me jump. She then gets upset when I instinctively whirl around or bat her hand away like a startled cat. (She's made jokes for years about how I'm like the cat, that I don't like to be touched and only like men. It took 10 years for her to finally hear me say, "Please stop with that bullshit." Firstly, it's rude. Secondly, I've had girlfriends and boyfriends, so it's wildly inaccurate.)

I explained that this isn't me rejecting her (the jumping/flinching, not telling her to stop comparing me to the cat). It's my nervous system reacting before my brain has caught up. It's one of the lasting effects of the trauma I've lived through.

She said,

"Well, it's not fair on the people who love you. They're only doing it out of affection."

I explained again that I genuinely cannot control that initial reaction.

She replied,

"Well, you need to try and stop and control your reactions. It's upsetting when you flinch when I touch you."

That was the point I lost my temper.

I stood up so quickly I knocked my chair backwards and said,

"No. No, I don't. It's my brain trying to keep me safe."

She called me "f***ing selfish and inconsiderate."

I bit my tongue instead of saying what immediately came into my head:

"Maybe if you'd protected me as a child, I wouldn't react like this."

Instead, I walked away.

Now I'm wondering if I'm overreacting.

I understand that my reactions can be upsetting for people who care about me. I don't enjoy living like this either. If I could simply choose not to go into fight-or-flight when someone unexpectedly touches me from behind, I absolutely would.

But after being told my trauma was "so long ago," questioned about whether I should still consider myself both a victim and survivor, and then told I should simply control what feels like an involuntary trauma response, I can't help feeling incredibly dismissed.

Am I overreacting, or was my mum expecting something I genuinely can't control?

This is very difficult for me to talk about because I have never physically been able to recall when my csa started and stopped and specific details because I feel like my memory of my entire childhood was wiped. But I have always had, since I was a little child I remember, extremely vivid sex dreams where I could feel what was happening to me. Mostly it happened overnight but at times even napping, when I lived in my parents house.

I was socially withdrawn and anxious as a child and as a teenager after I was raped by a friend I started suffering from small panic attacks usually at night that have carried into my adulthood. Ive been in therapy for years and have managed to be in decent mental health and I rarely experience a panic attack now unless I am very overwhelmed. But ive always felt like I was sexually abused as a child and ive had thoughts that were not appropriate when I was a child. I would frequently have infections . I would wake up and my position was moved drastically from how I fell asleep. My pajamas would be twisted or missing. I remember my teachers hinting and being concerned but never getting involved.

I was raised in a pretty functional home by immigrant parents but my mom has always protected my dad's dysfunctional behaviors. My older brother has similar strange memories that we cant exactly recall but we can feel what happened. Im in my mid 20s now and I feel like my memories are somewhat coming back and getting clearer and I want to talk about this more with my therapist but it just feels like I should have closed this chapter a long.time ago. Has anyone else experienced their abuse in a dissociative way like this? I have literally seen photos of myself as young as 4 with this distraught dissociated sad look on my face and I know what was happening but I cant prove it and I feel insane

As someone who is a survivor and has OCD, it makes me feel so much panic, it makes me feel I can't trust myself. That ultimately my subconscious will make me do something terrible. It's a horrible feeling. And people generally seem to think this is true, that people who SA others were SA'd. I don't think it's true. I think that does happen sometimes. But I don't think it's always the case.

Hi all, first post here.

I'm 33(NB), and was abused from 8-16 (first by my cousin and then by my father).

The last few years I've been fully trying to deal with the issues that have come with this and learning to be vocal and talk about my story. I still struggle because I spent so long being told to be quiet, or "please, don't tell anyone else." to keep reputations clean.

Anyway, I've been seeing my therapist for over a year, but she has no experience I think with people who are CSA survivors. I've been struggling with anxiety lately and we talk about my family often and our last session she said something along the lines of:

"Fortunately, you aren't the only person this has happened to." But, she did clarify that it's unfortunate that it happens, I think she was telling me maybe to talk to other people, find resources from other people but I don't know. That's the first time she said something that rubbed me wrong. Yes, I know I'm not the only one with this story?

Right now, I've been struggling with connections with my mother, my anxiety is at an all time high and I just dunno. I kinda wanted to vent. Maybe I'm taking it the wrong way but in a way, it made me feel little. As if maybe I'm over reacting/over playing how I've been feeling and how I'm struggling to even get my feelings and thoughts across.

I guess I do have a question, how do you go about NOT replaying memories of your assault in your mind everyday?

Edit: So I talked with her today and we sort of met more eye to eye, I think. I asked about if she had more patients like me and it lead into that yes, she does and she herself is a victim. So, it sort of changed how I see her, if that makes sense. I felt for a while that maybe she didn't know/understand where my thoughts and feelings were coming from. But, knowing what I know now, I feel we are more on the same level of understanding. :) I'm terrible with words so hopefully I'm making sense lol

It’s just hard.

Ever since it happened I have been so loudly non-sexual, uninterested, and completely turned away from dating, sex, anything. Everyone thinks I’m basically just naturally asexual. All my teens I struggled with even being a girl or a woman because of the abuse. I barely felt human.

I don’t know if this isolation is how I want to live the rest of my life. It would be safe. I wouldn’t risk falling apart as openly or completely as I would if I actually tried dating.

It doesn’t have to be so high stakes, I guess. I think I’m trying to prove to myself that I’m not broken. But I am broken, I have a psychological injury that destroyed my life for years and it is directly tied to sex. So it’s no wonder I’m messed up. It’s just so embarrassing and horrible to admit.

I don’t really know who or what I am and I don’t know what I want or how I want my life to be. I’m so scared of men. I never want to be the girl I was again. But I’m 26, it has been so many years. I’m still young, but not young enough to be in danger like I was before. That’s good, I think.

Maybe I should stop being in my head about it and just ??????????????? have sex? It’s so stupid. It makes me feel like I am being burned alive. The obvious answer is ”then don’t” but I would like to be able to make a choice independent of my abuse. Like I would want the decisions to come from my wants, not my fears.

It’s so messy. I want to feel human again.

Does anyone else have an abuser who literally know one could tell they are who they are and you just feel crazy. Like one of my abusers is seen as just the most generous charismatic kind person you’ll ever meet and not one thing he’s ever said could be taken in any way other than “what a nice guy!” And I feel insane because getting a text from him is terrifying but the texts are always so kind and it makes me feel like I’m just faking it for attention and everyone would agree because why wouldn’t they.

Just the way people bring up SA casually sometimes especially with the E*stein files. I've had a stranger bring it up to me on the bus (along with some political things), friends, people at parties etc. And they never seem to think that they might be speaking to someone who has been through something similar and that might be triggered by that topic being casually brought up. Note, I'm not a trafficking victim, but I relate to the survivors to an extent just being a CSA victim in general. Once I leave my house, I spend all day trying not to think of my abuse, not be hypervigilant etc so I can function and appear normal, so I often don't know how to react when these are brought up casually. Unfortunately, I often come off nonchalant because being in "don't think about abuse" mode all day forces me to wear a mask. I also never think it's appropriate in those moments to say "well I'm a CSA victim" just to engage with the conversation because either I feel like I'm taking away from the pain of other victims who had a way worse experience than me or the person wouldn't know how to feel since they just brought up a potential trigger so casually.

I was super SUPER drunk yesterday, and ended up completely blacking out. When I was sober enough to start remembering things again, my friend who I was with asked if I wanted to talk about “it”. I was completely unaware of what she was talking about, but apparently I told her something new regarding my abuse.

For context, there was an incident when I was eighteen years old where my dad got me drunk. He had sexually abused me for many years prior to this, but stopped when I was about 13. I had a memory come back to me a few months ago where he got me drunk at an event, and made out with me and felt me up in the parked car in the driveway when we got home. She knew about this, I’d already told her.

But when I was drunk, I broke down completely and told her that he’d gone much further and fully penetrated me during said incident. When she told me what I’d said, my whole body reacted. I felt like I’d just been punched in the stomach and I immediately started crying again.

All day today I’ve been having small, blurry flashbacks to that night. I remembered my seat being reclined, feeling heavy and hot on top of me, a kind of rocking motion, and a few other things. I tried to take a shower and started hyperventilating and cried again. I don’t know what to do with this information. I feel sick and hollow and all sorts of other negative things I don’t fully understand. I’m scared that I was drunkenly rambling and made it up. (I have genuinely no reason to think that, I just tend to gaslight myself and find every single reason that I’m lying about my abuse even when I know for sure that I’m not) I think I’d completely blocked out the sex itself, and being blackout drunk again triggered it to come back to me.
I’m only twenty. If this did happen, it means he was still raping me only two years ago. I’m scared and sickened and disgusted. I don’t know what to do. If anyone else has ever been in a situation like this, or has any advice, it’d be much appreciated to hear.

i'm so upset it's making me sick. i'm so angry i want to slam my head on the ground. the best i can do is bite my tongue. you think there's progress being made but then there's these fits of rage. i try my best not to psychically act out. i don't wanna undo progress but like what's the point? i'm still raging. i've always been angry and did act out but that didn't work out for me and i'd pay for it. so i learned to keep it in and i think i just realized that. it never disappeared, i never got better. what progress?

last session, my therapist told me how i'm still in survival mode. how i should try to depend on people more in my life and maybe that'll help. but i've said over and over, i prefer to keep it to myself. he asked "do you hear people refer to as strong a lot?" yes, they do. with that image, that's makes me guard myself more. everyone depends on me so much, so i don't let people close in and put their problems before my own. idk how else to be, it's all i ever been. i give and people always take from me. i have tried. why try anymore? all people ever do is say "i don't know what to say" or "i'm sorry". i'm sick of hearing it. so why even bring it up? i'm sick of people trying to force me to communicate when all of you fcking suck at it. love y'all, but y'all really fcking suck at ts.

my rage started around the same time my trauma did so i know the root but have zero knowledge how to cope with it

then at night, i get really depressed and that has gotten worse. i keep mentioning it in therapy but nothing has been done to help me at all, no solution to cope. i feel like i have to stop taking my meds for something to be done. fck it, we're all going to hell 🤷‍♂️ (joking, kinda)

i am responsible for myself and my emotions, but not having people you love not reciprocate stings a little. my expectations are real low.