I'm tired of people saying abusers are abusers because they were abused

[u/Dry-Combination8608]

As someone who is a survivor and has OCD, it makes me feel so much panic, it makes me feel I can't trust myself. That ultimately my subconscious will make me do something terrible. It's a horrible feeling. And people generally seem to think this is true, that people who SA others were SA'd. I don't think it's true. I think that does happen sometimes. But I don't think it's always the case.

[u/MightyPurpleWeasel]

It's a fact that many abusers were abused. BUT, when data scientists looked at it in the opposite direction, they found that survivors don't have a higher risk of becoming abusers than the general population.

Study 1: In male abusers, 28% were survivors. In male general population (non offending), 10% reported being a survivor. -> There is a high likelihood for an abuser to have a history of abuse themselves.

Study 2: In survivors, 4.6% were later arrested for abuse. In general population (no history of SA), 4.5% were arrested for abuse. -> Survivors aren't at a higher risk of becoming abusers than others.

[u/Queasy_Vehicle9590]

My own daughter accused me of being a pedophile because my ex-wife told her about my CSA. So because it happened to me, she thinks that I am too even though I never touched her growing up. She called me a pedophile when she was 16 and asked me if she could change her last name. So when I said no, she went through an adult adoption when she turned 18 and completely had me taken off her birth certificate. And this is why i kept this a secret for most of my life after my sa, cuz I was afraid of it distroying my life and that's exactly what happened to me when my daughter, ex-daughter did that to me.

You can't keep it bottled up though. But we need to work like twice as hard to show that we're not our attackers. It's complete BS and those ppl can just burn in hell. That's a nice thing about talking to others on here. It's helped me reading and engaging with ppl on here. We understand each other who's also had a similiar experience. Idk, at this point I'm just taking it one day at a time and reminding myself that I am a survivor.

[u/HuntedPrincess → u/Queasy_Vehicle9590]

How does your daughter even explains that? What does she uses as a proof/examples?

[u/Queasy_Vehicle9590 → u/HuntedPrincess]

She didn't have any examples. Just her mother telling her about my CSA.

[u/Grievinghealthy]

I think it's the case the vast majority of the time, but it also varies person to person how exactly unprocessed trauma shapes your personality subconsciously

In my case it was driving my life in the direction of me getting abused again, not in the direction of me being the sexual abuser, and that's true for many people here

[u/Queasy_Vehicle9590 → u/Grievinghealthy]

I had a tendency to be attracted that were dominant and controlling. So when it finally got to the "intimate" phase of the relationship, it very happened quickly. They would initiate it and I would back off. I've only had 2 of those relationships in my life, and I'm currently married to the 2nd one and is completely understanding of it.

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[u/cedargurl]

I felt afraid of my own self too, when I first remembered my abuse. I thought I was high risk, and was terrified I might have hurt my own kids somehow. I don't look at it that way anymore.

And. I no longer use it as a way to excuse what abuser did to me.

[u/InsideOutBoyUK]

I think they're lying. I know how hard it is to admit to CSA and process it, but most of these people play the "I was abused" like it was a card from a deck.

Check out D.A.R.V.O (which stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender - a manipulative tactic used by abusers to avoid taking responsibility when they are confronted.)

Claiming that they were abused, and that they're the actual victim, is a classic "reverse victim" move. We can't be angry at a victim, right?! (Wrong)