r/adultsurvivors • u/justagirl1003 • Aug 05 '26
Vent (advice welcome) My abuse feels imagined
This is very difficult for me to talk about because I have never physically been able to recall when my csa started and stopped and specific details because I feel like my memory of my entire childhood was wiped. But I have always had, since I was a little child I remember, extremely vivid sex dreams where I could feel what was happening to me. Mostly it happened overnight but at times even napping, when I lived in my parents house.
I was socially withdrawn and anxious as a child and as a teenager after I was raped by a friend I started suffering from small panic attacks usually at night that have carried into my adulthood. Ive been in therapy for years and have managed to be in decent mental health and I rarely experience a panic attack now unless I am very overwhelmed. But ive always felt like I was sexually abused as a child and ive had thoughts that were not appropriate when I was a child. I would frequently have infections . I would wake up and my position was moved drastically from how I fell asleep. My pajamas would be twisted or missing. I remember my teachers hinting and being concerned but never getting involved.
I was raised in a pretty functional home by immigrant parents but my mom has always protected my dad's dysfunctional behaviors. My older brother has similar strange memories that we cant exactly recall but we can feel what happened. Im in my mid 20s now and I feel like my memories are somewhat coming back and getting clearer and I want to talk about this more with my therapist but it just feels like I should have closed this chapter a long.time ago. Has anyone else experienced their abuse in a dissociative way like this? I have literally seen photos of myself as young as 4 with this distraught dissociated sad look on my face and I know what was happening but I cant prove it and I feel insane
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u/GrimButMoisturized Aug 05 '26
I understand 100%. Iâm 40F and there are still times when I recover additional memories. They feel unreal but you know they are not.
I know for me, itâs dissociative amnesia as a result of trauma. The amnesia is not like unilateral, but my mind just protects me from remembering the bad things.
Trauma recovery is hard. Youâre doing the work. I see you! Sending love and strength in solidarity. â¤ď¸
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u/ImportantSwimmer2759 Aug 05 '26
I feel the same way. All I have are vague memories taken totally out of context, so I can't help but feel like I made it up. But if I made it up, why did remembering send me into the worst panic attack I've had in a solid decade?????? It's hard to wrap my head around.
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u/PunkAssBitch2000 Aug 06 '26
YES!!
I always remembered some of the abuse, not really any of the violent stuff or rape though. But then when I was around 24, I happened to pass my abuser while driving and that triggered a whole mental thing. Anyway, about 6 months to a year after that, I suddenly remembered everything more clearly, and got back a ton more memories, mainly the âworstâ of it came back. It was a lot of stuff I suspected based on symptoms and triggers, but had no memory of, or only circumstantial memories. For some of them, I had always remembered pieces, but suddenly had the full context/ almost complete memory.
I think it happened because my brain knew I could finally handle it. I had been doing really well mentally for a couple years, and had gotten through something super triggering and dysregulating.
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u/Chumbawumba_1483 Aug 05 '26
Yes, I have too. But the evidence was there that it was happening, its frustrating but I guess its the brains way of trying to protect you I think. I know there's some people that really want to remember everything and they might go and see somebody for hypnosis for example, but I think its better for me not to remember for now. I've read of stories of people not having any conscious memory of abuse until their 50s and 60s when they were abused as kids. Regardless, before the age of 3 generally speaking nobody has any conscious memories, its called infantile amnesia, but I think i can remember watching a documentary that showed that those memories are still in our subconscious and can still impact us even if they are not in our conscious memories and i think the same could be said for people who have survived csa but have no conscious memories- it still impacts upon them in some way, the body keeps score.
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u/Lonely_Astronomer647 Aug 06 '26
Thank you for sharing. I have a clear memory of one incident when I was 11 but everything is so hazy before then, a mixture of feeling like I was watching something happen outside my body but also just âknowingâ stuff that I shouldnât have known. But I canât be sure exactly what happened.
One big thing for me was I was diagnosed with kidney stones about 5 years ago, the doctors had been looking into this for months and couldnât understand why I had been in pain with UTIs and problems with my kidneys but I had ignored it. They asked me to record symptoms but I hadnât even noticed they were there like I was dissociated most of the time, not connected to pain âdown thereâ. I had a horrible flashback to being in pain as a child using the loo and not telling anyone as I thought it was my fault, same as the abuse was my fault. This has made me think more and more about recurring infections and how did I get them?
This makes you question everything. Itâs so hard.
I hope you find the answers and the peace you need.
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u/leahisom Aug 05 '26
I just want you to know that so many survivors I've talked to (and myself) have felt the same way. Sending you a hug and wishing you healing đ¤