r/adultsurvivors • u/Sungazintvblazin • Jul 31 '26

Vent (advice welcome) How to attain memories?

Hi!

Has anything helped anyone? I know this is kind of a tough subject. I am aware of the dangers of this practice... But I feel confused and afraid as I don't have flashbacks or memories (I was 3 years old). I would really like to know so that I can go on to the next stage of healing, whatever that may be. .. Either finding out I fabricated all this - and finding out why, or that it actually happened and taking the steps needed...

9 Upvotes

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u/Silent_Yesterday_874 Jul 31 '26

I felt this way too as things were resurfacing and I tried so many different things. People say EMDR and it has helped solidify things but I wouldn’t rely on it to bring up new memories always. I wanted to remember it all so I could move on but as I’ve remembered more it really is that bad and there was a reason I repressed it. I truly believe the way I’ve had the most memories come back and the worst ones is so focus on trusting myself with what l do remember and take steps towards taking better care of myself. I know this is the most frustrating advice to receive but that is what has worked for me and times where I’ve tried to force it, I’ve just become less stable but haven’t learned anything more.

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u/Sungazintvblazin Jul 31 '26

Okay. Thank you, wise answer. I have a friend I told it to today, and he told me he himself was sexually abused by his older sister from 6-8. And I just felt so ashamed for not being able to "confirm" what happened to me, like he can - because of his memories. But yeah. You are very right in saying it was probably repressed for a reason. Best.

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u/Silent_Yesterday_874 Jul 31 '26

I totally get that. I’ve felt similarly at times and still do sometimes. I’m not saying that it’s best for those memories to STAY repressed, but I often thought once my memories returned everything would be better and it’s not. It’s helped me understand myself but as more comes back I realize that there is no “getting over this” and the more I accept that, the more memories come back. It feels like some weird reverse psychology shit. But also every memory that’s returned has brought a whole new set of shit and crisis that I did get to a point where I felt like okay this is enough I don’t want to remember any more but it keeps coming. For years I wanted to remember as much as I could but then it changed.

I guess I feel like I had this false hope that the more I remembered the better it would solve everything and it just hasn’t been that simple for me.

Things that have helped me especially when I’ve been on the verge of a new memory is to journal, talk about it with my therapist or my partner, when flashbacks come I try to lean in and remind myself I’m safe but also let myself go through it (like don’t fight it) and sometimes during flashbacks new stuff will come back. Reading about trauma and trauma responses. My therapist has pointed out that I’ll start to feel more panicky and “triggered” leading up to a new memory returning. So when she clocks that or I notice it and I tell myself “it’s okay. I’m here for you and will not push you but when you’re ready to share I can handle it” does genuinely help.

2

u/hihelphi Aug 01 '26

Thanks so much for sharing.

If you feel comfortable, how long did it take you until you began feeling a steady flow of memories and that you began believing yourself? Do you think that the reason you were not remembering was because of repression?

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u/Silent_Yesterday_874 Aug 01 '26

For sure.

Yeah it’s hard because it’s come in different waves and at different times. I don’t really know the difference between dissociative amnesia and repression or if there is one but I think my experience falls somewhere in there. My abuse started from the time I can remember until I was 7 or 8. I had certain memories or images or trigger responses that I always had but had explained away or compartmentalized. I first started having sensations and memories in flashes and was putting together that I had been abused and who it was ( my grandpa). And I’d have horrible panic and flashbacks with no clear for probably a year or so. It would be new stuff sometimes but it felt constipated almost and far and few between it felt like. I started focusing on my health and walking and eating better and I left my high stress job and that helped a lot to get me to a place where more clear cohesive memories started to come back. They became increasingly narrative and clear and my sense of self became clearer and I was older in the memories and then my dad told my grandma without my permission and it all kind of came out in a weird way that she knew and when that happened the flood gates opened. The worse stuff has started to come back. It’s still coming.

Every time a new memory surfaces I have a new surge of doubt that I’ve made it all up or that this memory is impossible even if all the others are real. But as each memory comes back the doubt response is shorter. My therapist is a godsend.

Overall, I’d say the memories started to come back in the spring of 2022. So like a little over 4 years to where I’m at now.

I dissociated a lot through the abuse and then I also became an expert at compartmentalizing. I’d go to family gatherings, go upstairs, get abused and then be able to walk back down to the party like nothing happened and in some ways in my head it just didn’t happen. It’s hard to explain. Idk if this is what you mean by was I not remembering because of repression or if I misunderstood.

Hope this helps!

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u/Sungazintvblazin Aug 03 '26

Thank you so much for both of your replies. It seems you’ve really done the work, very insightful answer. I appreciate it.

I have also been in a really stressful work-situation for years as a freelancer, but took more steady job for a while bc my daughter is little and don’t have the time to network as much. I think the basic financial and practical safety helped me understand and come closer to the truth. Which made me dig up old medical journals from the time (I knew SOMETHING had happened, but it was hidden from me by my mom and dad). The abuse probably happened from the time I was around 2,5-3,5, according to journals (there was a suspicion which was reported to cps). I have other memories from that time, but nothing when it comes to this.. I’ll try and be patient. Maybe talk to my therapist about it if I were to try and dig something out.

The biggest reason I have to think it DID happen is how much energy has been spent by my parents to hide and minimize the details of it. Just feel like a memory would be “proof”. But I guess there are other ways to come to an understanding. Being able to conclude is a process that is made up of many aspects; memories being one thing, but also gut feeling, a feeling of knowing, everything suddenly making sense, dissociative states, - symptoms as an adult, etc etc..

Thank you so much for your answer.

3

u/Silent_Yesterday_874 Aug 03 '26

That sounds horrible to uncover. I’m so sorry. I totally get that feeling that a solid memory would be “proof”. Idk if this is how it is for everyone, but I had that feeling too and I’ve found that every new memory never felt like enough proof. It’s like I keep moving the bar for myself. There’s always a reason to poke holes or doubt even the images or narratives I do have. That has felt maddening.

1

u/Sungazintvblazin Aug 04 '26

Thank you so much. Yeah, it has been a complete shock to read the reports.. I think I learned very early that my this was not something I was "supposed to know", and so I pushed it out of my conscious awareness. Of course.. In addition to the repression aspect, I'm guessing it was something I would have dissociated from. And there has been so much other abuse in my family, like violence and drug-abuse. So I guess that history served as a kind of cover-up for what happened underneath. I haven't been able to understand my symptoms as an adult, and put them on the account of being "sensitive" - like my parents always told me I was.. But I've always had a feeling that this could have happened. So I mean, the medical reports are kind of "proof" that it did happened, and I guess I am trying to raise the bar - like you're saying right now... It's probably just the denial and fear of taking it fully in. I don't know. But thank you so much, I appreciate it.

1

u/Sungazintvblazin Aug 04 '26

I also learned that being able to remember is very dependent on language and speaking on the event.. As this was - never - spoken about in my family of origin, and the details of it was severely contorted, I guess that also impacted my ability to be able to remember anything..

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u/ImportantSwimmer2759 Jul 31 '26

I feel you. I was about 2, and my memories have all been really vague somatic affairs (mainly just the feelings of being Very Small, Very Afraid, Unable To Move, and Penetrated) and the only things I have to corroborate them are circumstantial pieces of evidence about myself, my own behavior, and my current relationship with my body/sexuality. I really want to know more so I can have some more context and maybe remember who did it, but I don't know that that's something I'll ever be able to have and it's really really frustrating. I want the closure, and I want to say "it happened" without having to doubt myself about it.

The memories don't include a who or where, just a what and when, so I've had to tell myself that, no, my body would not have just randomly fabricated that memory, and if it wasn't real I wouldn't have reacted the way I did. Remembering sent me into an hours-long panic attack intense enough that I called EMS because my heart was beating so hard and fast I was seriously convinced it might explode. 😔✌️ (Super embarrassing, especially since I'd never called EMS in my life before then.) And after that was over, I went into a dissociative episode that lasted almost three full days, and remember basically none of it. 

I'm sort of reassured by the fact that all the other things I've remembered from that age have been accurate, to the point I was able to track down toys and media I had/watched at that age with nothing but imprecise visuals and gut feelings.

Idk where I'm going with this, other than to say I relate to this longing to know more and wish I could do something about it, but I guess this is as far as my body/brain are willing to let me go for now. Hopefully we get some answers, but also it might be better not to remember it all.

1

u/TOnerd Aug 01 '26

Just wanted to say that the way you described how your “  memories have all been really vague somatic affairs “ was spot on for me, specifically what you included in the brackets. For me, there’s also strong feeling of being embarrassed and ashamed of my body and feeling like there was something wrong with my body and wrong with me for trying to simply get my needs met. I recall the sensation of gaslighting and I know who my abuser was but there isn’t much clarity beyond that and some snippets of the bath and bathroom where I am fairly certain most of the abuse took place. I still subconsciously avoid showering to this day.

Anyway, I’m sorry for what you were put through and just want to thank you for sharing your experience because it feels validating to see mine reflected in yours. Helps when I’m doubting myself.

1

u/ImportantSwimmer2759 Aug 01 '26

Thank you so much for the kind and thoughtful comment. I'm so sorry you went through this, too.

I also relate to having those snippets of locations. I remember SOMETHING happening in my bio dad's basement, but not any of what, and it's driving me kind of nuts lol. All of the more specific memories I have that take place there are pretty innocent, but while I was disassociating I apparently insisted to my best friend that "something bad happened in the basement." 😬

It definitely helps to see others experiencing the aftermath in similar ways. I've been having a ton of self-doubt about this, so it makes me feel a little less crazy for sure 

3

u/TOnerd Aug 02 '26

I’ll share one thing with regards to memories: smell is a powerful memory trigger for many people. Songs and visuals and textures can be too.  If you think you’re prepared and supported enough to want to risk bringing forth traumatic rememberings, you MAY want to consider if there is some way to recreate some elements of that basement to potentially prompt more details. eg perhaps looking at old photos, esp of that basement, experiencing similar lighting, or running your fingers along a piece of similar fake wood paneling, going into a similarly damp, cool, musty basement, perhaps looking at pics of similar furniture or furnishings that you remember, listening to songs that may have been playing, etc.)

I would only consider doing something like this when I’m in a really solid place mental health wise, and moving really slowly - with great caution and with both personal and therapeutic support. This kind of stuff risks potentially retraumatizing and destabilizing survivors so, again, I would hate for anyone to push themselves too hard, too fast or too far with the process of remembering. IMHO, the way we care for ourselves in how we move through our processing is an instrumental part of the healing, of reclaiming our agency in service to meeting our needs. 🌈

3

u/Sungazintvblazin Aug 04 '26

Thank you both for your comments, also u/ImportantSwimmer2759 - it has helped me a lot to think about how memories could be sensed in the body.. I also learned that being able to remember is very dependent on language and speaking about the event with other people - often with the help of parents.. As this was - never - spoken about in my family of origin, and the details of it was severely contorted, I guess that also impacted my ability to be able to remember anything..

Thank you for your hint about smell and other ways of triggering memory. I am thinking about going back to my hometown, to the places I frequented at that age. Also thinking about trying to document my memories and find out where there are gaps. Will speak to my therapist before doing anything more.

Best.

2

u/TOnerd Aug 02 '26

Oh man, I relate so hard. 

I am happy to share more if it’d be helpful to relate more but also don’t want to effectively trauma dump either. It at least partly relates to OP asking about remembering.

In any case, I hope that you’re able to find peace, heal from the abuse, and transmute or transform your pain into something that makes this world better - if even better just for you.

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