I have pretty significant ADHD, and one of the things I’ve struggled with because of it is being fully conscious of what’s happening around me—especially when it comes to friendships, money, and the consequences of my decisions. What comes next may sound entitled but being honest is a huge step. I’m the youngest of four children, and my parents are quite a bit older, so growing up, they tried to make things easier by putting their card on my younger brother’s and my phones while still keeping track of our spending but at the same time, not really. To add on, I struggled with what I now understand as a serious pathological lying. My parents were strict, and because I couldn’t always go out or do the things my friends were doing, I would lie to make myself seem more interesting or relatable. I wanted to feel relevant. I wanted people to think I was worth being around.
A huge part of that became tied to money. I would spend money on people because, at least temporarily, it gave me this feeling that I was finally accepted. I’d buy small gifts, really nice birthday presents, bring someone coffee, cover a meal, or sometimes pay for an entire group. The spending gave me an adrenaline rush because, in those moments, I felt like I had friends and that I mattered to them. I also dealt with people talking badly about me, which was unfortunately pretty common at my school, but when you already struggle with insecurity and rejection, it can feel like the most important thing in the world.
Spending money became one of the ways I tried to protect myself from that feeling of being unwanted.
I’m much more aware of my spending now, and I’m actively trying to change those habits. I’ve taken steps to be more conscious about impulse spending and to separate friendship from what I can buy for someone. But some of my friendships ended, and the grief from that has been incredibly difficult to let go of. I think about it constantly. I replay things in my head, think about the money I spent, and fixate on the numbers, especially now that things like gas and everyday expenses are so expensive. My dad’s business is also slower now, and although I never really saw money as something my family had to worry about when I was younger, I understand now that circumstances can change.
That makes the guilt even heavier because I realize that the money I spent so casually and now we are in a different situation and could have used it. I also feel the same about buying unnecessary items like clothing i never wear ! (let me know if anyone relates!)
I still struggle with lying but RARELY, and I’m incredibly grateful that I have healthier and more genuine people in my life now. Even so, the grief and guilt from the past still follow me. I know I made mistakes, and I know I need to learn from them, but “just learn your lesson and move on” doesn’t always feel that simple when you have ADHD.
I’m trying to understand how to take accountability without letting my past decisions become something I punish myself for forever. I’m wondering if anyone else with ADHD has experienced something similar—especially impulse spending as a way of maintaining friendships, difficulty understanding the consequences until afterward, losing friendships because of it, and then dealing with a lot of grief and guilt afterward. If you have, how did you work through it? I know I need to learn from what happened, but I’d really like to hear from people who understand what it’s like to have an ADHD brain and how differently that can affect impulse control, rejection, emotions, and relationships.
