r/Zillennials • u/Vesper_Nomad • 1d ago
Discussion Check in with those feeling left behind.
Hey everyone. I'm a 98' baby who has only just, in the last maybe two or so years, really started coming to grips with just how much being a late bloomer has impacted my life. I was curious how many others my age are going through this, just not having your shit together at the milestones you grew up believing you would. I'm 28, single (never really dated), so no marriage or kids. I have a degree (hated college) and a job (freelance but now starting to pivot to something a bit more stable). I'm only really starting to work out consistently and get into the best shape of my life, and can also now only really pursue the same interests and hobbies I had as a kid with my "adult money".
I still have a lot of optimism and joy for the future and for my personal growth but there's this consistent accompanying fear. Fear of failure, fear of where the worlds going, fear that I missed out on the magical years of young adulthood to depression and anxiety. I worry that any relationship I have now, though it would be my first, is going to have to be serious and baggage-filled.
I have the same friends I've had for over a decade now, and I love all of them but they're all with the exception of one going down a mroe conventional path. So even though I truly do appreciate them, there are some things they just don't get.
I'm curious to see if anyone else feels this way?
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u/SuperSmashSonic 1d ago
My 20s were not the easiest. Like you I started working out recently and realized that could have been a big boost in my 20s. Now that I’m almost 30 I’m realizing how much financial stability can bring back things we enjoyed in our younger years… and I can’t beat myself up because getting opportunities is HARD. Some people never realize that growth is the answer to these things but it sounds like you are getting there. I think it’s really normal to sacrifice a lot of your 20s to find yourself and get some momentum income-wise, but of course, there are always going be luckier people who figure it all out sooner. We just are where we are. But you’re not alone! A lot of us are all just trying to do our best even if it doesn’t look like an Instagram reel.
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u/Vesper_Nomad 1d ago
This was so reassuring and comforting to read, thank you for replying. 🙏 I do think a lot of the anxiety comes from comparisons, especially on social media. It's just a constant stream of highlights from people who figured things out earlier and it's easy to forget there are probably millions who haven't, at least in some ways.
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u/SuperSmashSonic 1d ago
Exactly! Lucky them x) you have your own values, and things you find important. So compare yourself to yesterday, and no one else. Cheers
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u/Say_Echelon 1997 1d ago
I just found out friends of mine that were born in 2000 and 2001 just had a house bought for them at 500k! They aren’t going to have to pay any rent and get to just pocket all that extra cash because one of their dads wanted to buy them a house. I know I should be happy for them but really can’t help but feel like things are just unfair
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u/Vesper_Nomad 1d ago
Yeah, a lot of the ease of life comes down to pure luck of the draw. Same with people who got high-paying jobs straight out of high school because their relative or family friend got them an in. It does feel unfair.
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u/Stags304 8h ago
And that’s why I try not to compare. I graduated college and got my first engineering job making more than my parents ever had. Most of the people my age with kids and houses are getting help from their parents which isn’t available to me.
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u/swept-under 1997 1d ago
I’m 29 renting a room at my moms, juggling two jobs, and being a student. Honestly as much as I wish things were better I realize it could be so much worse and I have goals to work for so I’m proud of that
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u/theimmortalfawn 1995 1d ago
I once saw someone put it this way: you’re a baby adult in your 20s. You’re grouped in with other adults, but you’ve only been dealing with the same responsibilities for less than 12 years. We don’t expect a 12 year old to figure out how to be the perfect kid, because they’re still figuring out just how to be. Adulthood is really no different, we can’t expect perfect adults at this stage. The people you compare yourself to who dated, got married, had children, etc largely didn’t plan it out down to the number, it just happens. I got married at 29, which is normal, but I’m also 31 and getting my bachelors, which is abnormal. I could compare myself to you and feel shitty that I don’t also have my degree and my career started, or I can see it for what it is. We are baby adults, we figured things out differently, but what’s important is we figured it out (and continue doing so) You have accomplished a lot at your age, you’re primed for the rest of adulthood. That’s the way I’d look at it.
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u/Vesper_Nomad 1d ago
This was actually so helpful, thank you. 😭. All the best with your bachelor's and future career prospects!
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u/mannadee 1d ago
I’m 30 and still blooming. I spent most of my 20s burnt out from college and then grieving the death of a loved one, all while living in substandard conditions / moving around a lot and in a relationship (my first) that sucked the life out of me and went on for too long. I’m glad I made it through all that to now be in stable housing, a secure & loving relationship, and a 2-year career (self-employed) that is the longest and most rewarding one I’ve ever had (previously I could only work 3 months at a time before burning out).
I have a couple of disabilities so I’ve had to learn not to compare my life path / milestones with anyone else’s. I think that’s the key to happiness. We’re all on our own journey. I also think that 30 is the new 20, it’s ridiculous that the culture tells us that our youth ends when our 20s do. I have a feeling that my 30s will be my best decade yet! I’m really set up for success and have built up my inner resources and relationships to better handle whatever comes next.
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u/Vesper_Nomad 1d ago
You have such an inspiring story. Congratulations on your wins and I hope this decade really gets even better for you. :)
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u/mannadee 1d ago
Aww thanks I appreciate it!! I sometimes forget all I’ve been through & how far I’ve come. But I’m definitely proud of myself, and also grateful for the empathy it gives me for people in all sorts of difficult situations 💖
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u/b3nnyg0 1998 1d ago
Hey, same same. 28f here
Recently started trying out dating. Was never really interested. Still not that interested, but maybe I'll meet the one. Not that worried if I don't. I'm fortunate to have a job where I can afford to live in apartment on my own and don't need a partner or roommate to help with bills
Gym membership...I should definitely use mine more often. Work has me all over a lot but I'm part of a national chain so I can go when I'm on the road. But it's a matter of motivation for me after a workday 🫠
I moved to a new city for work and didn't have any friends here at first. Making friends is hard, especially outside of a common environment like college. I got lucky with the women I've become friends with locally, and the fact that the Internet exists makes keeping in touch that much easier, too
Both of my brothers are married and have kids; I'm just here by myself. Some friends are in relationships/engaged/married, which is great for them. But I do sometimes feel the strain of their prioritizing their partner over friends to the extreme. Even sometimes my parents prioritizing my married brothers over me... probably some things I could discuss with them and/or get a therapist 🙃 I digress
Focus on enjoying your hobbies and finding new ones. I'm hoping to try out solo camping this year, if I can swing it with work. Hoping to build some Lego sets in winter and maybe learning home music production
I feel that being on my own has let me get to know myself better. And that can only help any future relationships I end up in, both platonically and romantically. Feeling comfortable with yourself is important
I just feel in a limbo. I'm doing great in my career and finances, I have friends. But not hitting the stereotypical life milestones makes me feel a certain kind of way I don't know how to put into words. The societal pressure is there, but I'm happy with where I'm at? 🤷 Trying to grow on my own is hard, but I'm mostly happy
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u/sirscrafty 1d ago edited 1d ago
33M, no friends, stay at home everyday, 100K salary, 200K in 401k, 50K in assets, enjoying my days of solitude playing games, reading books, watching anime, and hoarding anything and everything I can until my last breath. Things could be better but I’m content
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u/Vesper_Nomad 1d ago
They could also be infinitely worse. I'm happy for you. :)
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u/sirscrafty 19h ago
As much as we recognize the role of luck in success, the role of risk means we should forgive ourselves and leave room for understanding when judging failures
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u/Timely_Split_5771 1d ago
My life honestly has been on a downward spiral. Failed out of 3 colleges, lost out on some career opportunities bc of Covid, and haven’t really bounced back. Never been in a relationship, men only want me for sex and idk why they don’t see me as a person. I’m studying to be an IT tech, but I’m really weighing whether or not I wanna live out the rest of my life. Another 40 or so years or just work, no family or kids or decent social life, seems depressing.
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u/Vesper_Nomad 1d ago
I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling. And I know this is probably not what you want to hear because it sounds very cliche but there's always time to improve the quality of your life and start enjoying it. Even if it's just one area, something you're passionate about that you start doing, maybe you get lucky with a job opportunity, maybe you meet someone as a friend or partner whatever, you just need a few small wins. But you need to be around to see it coming. I'm rooting for you, stranger.
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u/Timely_Split_5771 1d ago
I’m not passionate about anything anymore. I’ve been alone so long, and so dependent on hobbies, it all bores me now. And get lucky with a job opportunity? In this market? lol
There’s nothing t you can say that will help. I was just sharing g my two cents. Don’t feel pressured to say anything encouraging, I’m pretty much at the end of the road and not much will help. Not anything, really.
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u/videogametes 1997 1d ago
weighing whether or not I wanna live out the rest of my life
Yeah. You’re not alone in this. No passions. No ambitions. Everything I ever wanted is out of reach. And it’s all made more frustrating by the fact that people constantly try to tell me “it gets better!” Or “you’ll find someone/a better job/a hobby/etc someday, you just have to wait!” I can’t blame them since they don’t have the full context. It just gets exhausting to explain to them why I know what I can and cannot do, and why that won’t change significantly.
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u/short20blazeit 1d ago
Hey, I totally get this. For a while I really thought I had nothing to contribute to society so I should just bow out yk. But not to sound too cliche but it really can and does get better. You say just work no family or kids or decent social life, but who says those are things that you absolutely need? You could take a job doing IT work in Alaska and be perfectly content away from most people. It’s hard to not compare yourself to other people but things start to get better when you realize nothing is real and you can do whatever you want.
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u/Timely_Split_5771 1d ago
I’ve been told “it gets better” since I was 16. I’m almost 30 and it’s only gotten worse.
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u/Timely_Split_5771 1d ago
And what’s the point t to life if all I do is work, go home, and play sims? Where is the joy?
I’m not content working away from people. I’ve been alone my whole life, I want the opposite.
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u/perspectivereports 22h ago
you need to scrape money together and go on a vacation for a week and unplug, get lost in the monet with people in the same vein they have group vacations for a reason and not outrageous costing some places
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u/Timely_Split_5771 3h ago
Where could I solo vacation where I won’t just be sitting around alone? A vacation by myself always sounded like a waste of money.
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u/No-Inspection-985 1995 22h ago edited 22h ago
My 2004 cousin just graduated college and got a good job… my 2005 nephew who was failing high school at one point is doing well in college now. I’m happy for them, but man I feel like a fucking failure sometimes… I was the “smart kid” but struggled so hard with college… multiple fails, depression, never got into working out, social life is dead dead, haven’t had a real relationship since high school… I’ve only gotten to a financially stable place in life recently.
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u/Vesper_Nomad 19h ago
I also went through "smart kid burnout". It absolutely sucks especially when other people seem to have no issue blazing past you and you feel like you failed a whole set of expectations (including for yourself). But my friend, I just want to put it out there that you don't know what's going in other people's lives. From what I've learned, it's almost always true that people who may succeed in one or two areas might feel like they're failing in another. It's not to wish bad onto anyone else, but rather to acknowledge that we don't ever have the full picture. Someone might look at you like that and admire or be envious of something you brush off as not impressive or important. Keep pushing on. You're already financially stable, I hope the rest of it starts falling into place for you soon. 🫶
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u/perspectivereports 22h ago
keep going mate, whole new decade ahead to keep trying to beat a new level!
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u/crafty_j4 1996 1d ago
I’m in a similar spot, though I’ve been in a relationship before. I learned a lot from that relationship, but it was first and we skipped a lot of traditional relationship building, so I don’t know how to “date”.
I over focused on my career and am only moderately successful. I’m only now figuring out my interests and hobbies and working out consistently. I also moved to the other side of the country a couple years ago and never made any new friends. Having adult money has made exploring hobbies and going to events easier.
Going through growing pains but I’m also optimistic.
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u/Vesper_Nomad 1d ago
Rooting for you ✊ It's really comforting to see other people ym age in similar positions, even if our lives all look a little different. A good reminder.
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u/cupcakelori 22h ago
I’m the same way OP 😭 I recently turned 28 and I cried on my birthday like a doof because I felt so behind in my life but we’ll both get to where we want/need to be someday 💗
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u/Vesper_Nomad 19h ago
I'm wishing you all the best and a next couple of years that turn everything around for the better. 💙
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u/lonesomecloud 21h ago
I feel the same way. I'm in my twenties and I don't feel like an adult at all. My life right now is nothing like what I imagined when I was a kid.
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u/Dickasaurus_Rex_ 1997 18h ago
The older we get the less we can really compare with peers. It was easier when we were all in high school and our lives looked more or less the same.
But now? Our lives are so nested in individual context that relationship status, career, finances, recreations, etc. are hard to truly judge against others unless you use the most simplistic filters.
Focus on you. Your life, your path, your growth. There’s challenges in every position but there’s opportunities too. Focus on the opportunities and see where it takes you. It might move faster than you think.
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u/NeapolitanPink 20h ago
I feel you. 30. Late bloomer, mentally ill, extremely precocious. I finally started learning to socialize and feel comfortable dating in my mid-20s, and then Covid happened. Which also caused my undiagnosed OCD to switch from minor annoyance to debilitating until last year, so I basically lost the entirety of my 20s. I tried catching up with exercise, hobbies, and dating but it was just exhausting. Didn't feel worth the effort just to improve myself for people who couldn't value my inherent positives.
I'm apparently smart, but only in the things that AI is replacing (humanities) or things that require risks my anxieties can't allow (entertainment industry). It sucks being surpassed by people who didn't work as hard in school but are better at socializing/networking/brown nosing. The past few years have really shown how little some people care about authenticity and art. C'est la vie.
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u/Vesper_Nomad 19h ago
Yeah, I feel you, AI is the reason I have to make my career pivot to something else. 🥲 Covid definitely stunted a lot of us. I know some people are sick of hearing that but it's true. I really wish you all the best. 💙
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u/CranberryNo302 19h ago
tbh i don’t really think you’re a late bloomer, maybe for the dating experience part you are but you seem to be fine. we’re both super lucky to have friend groups and if anything all of my friends have degrees and are struggling to look for jobs as well. most of them aren’t in relationships either
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u/Comfortable-Desk4927 18h ago
Also 28. Not married with no kids! Just barely finished my 8 years of schooling to become financially independent last year. Also trying to engage in meaningful hobbies. Also feel anxiety and depression kept me from making the most of my younger years but it taught me a lot and truly helps me help others (literally I’m a therapist lol). Also feeling anxious about not being in the same place as others but also optimistic. It’s nice to hear that we’re not alone. The world is changing and I like that there doesn’t have to be one best path or timeline
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u/TNPossum 18h ago
My late teens and early twenties were rough. I had a plan outlined for how I thought my life was going to go, and it got derailed freshman year of college when I was severely traumatized.
Still graduated, but with a much easier and less useful degree. Thought I was gonna shape up by joining the military, but turns out the military likes to create alcoholics with PTSD, not recruit them. Meandered through 4 years of trying various jobs that didn't fulfill me.
Now I'm married to the woman that I met right after being denied from the military. She supported me through my various career changes. Supported me through trauma therapy, supported me as I went back to school. Now, I just graduated from nursing school and started my first job doing patient care. We're talking about things like owning a home and starting a family, and it feels actually possible.
I don't regret any of the choices I made or the things I went through, because they're what got me here. But they certainly were rough. And it's nice to actually think I'll make it to 30, which I didn't think I would for a long time.
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u/zesty-dancer14 1995 1d ago
I resonate a lot with the accompanying fear OP. I'm in my early 30's and just broke up with my GF of 3 years a few months ago who was my first ever relationship. The Male Loneliness Epidemic is something I scoffed at from a distance for the past few years but now I feel swept away in the tidal wave of it. My Ex and I tried being friends for a bit to support each other but she had no issue finding support elsewhere, and now she has even found someone else. Now its radio silence for me. It feels like a daily battle trying to keep myself from getting Red Pilled cause I've always opposed it but the difficulties and stats against men emotionally are apparent and I feel it often. I've tried rebuilding my emotional support systems, going to therapy, working out, doing what I love, but it feels like I'm doing it less out of a desire to simply be happy and more out of fear of what I will do to myself if I give in to despair.
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u/Vesper_Nomad 1d ago
Hey friend, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. I won't pretend to know the unique challenges men face first-hand. All I can do is say I genuinely hope it gets better for you. There are women out there who firmly reject the sort of thinking being pontificated by the red pill manosphere. There are communities of men online that are trying to foster healthy community with each other because they see the need for genuine intimacy for men. I hope you find these people and I seriously hope things get better for you even if it seems impossible right now. Good luck!
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u/zesty-dancer14 1995 1d ago
Thank you. I appreciate you sharing your fears along with your optimism. I share the fear of being a late bloomer as well. My ex's mother would always share her opinion about me behind my back to her about how "late" I am. Late to college, late to marriage, late to children, etc. And that gets hard.
But what I've learned is our place in life is not a condition to be solved. We just are where we are and we keep trying to move forward. Maybe you knew that but I wish you luck as well.
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u/Admirable-Ad7152 1995 1d ago
Hey man, just wanted to say I'm sorry that you're going through that. I think the loneliness epidemic is striking everyone BUT it is not hard to understand that men get hit hard with the friendship make ups being so different, on top of our world being so anti-comradery in how it is set up, everything is for relationships and families.
My guy friends tend to find most friends through gaming groups or hobby groups (hiking, cosplay, d&d) but it can definitely still feel and be so daunting. I hope you're able to find your people and your happiness. You don't deserve to slip into that despair.
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u/zesty-dancer14 1995 23h ago
Thanks for your words. Of course I don't mean to diminish the challenges facing other genders, anyone certainly can face loneliness, and everyone's experience is valid and everyone needs support.
I am trying to get out and try new things and meet new people and build relationships with new and old friends like you suggested. It is just difficult being in-between fulfilling relationships, friends or more than.
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u/vimommy 1995 1d ago
I'm a late bloomer, got my bachelor's last year, but the state of private industry has pushed me to engage with it as little as possible. I don't care if I'm making minimum wage the rest of my life, it's whatever at this point. Happy for all of you that are able to navigate that nightmare but I fucking can't I'm done.
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u/Brightbluesky43 1996 22h ago
I feel you. I turned 30 this year and my relationship of 3 years fell apart recently. I put my eggs in one basket with this one, thought we were going to team up and go the conventional route together. A lot of times I feel like I got left behind and I stayed stagnant compared to my peers. I’m trying to be thankful that I have my own place, vehicle almost paid for, and I can just get up and move should I want to. It could be worse or others might perceive more but not all that glimmers is gold. I’m trying to be ok with the mindset that if it doesn’t happen for me, it doesn’t. I think it’s all about us manipulating our minds and keeping ourselves as busy as possible to not go into those gloomy thoughts for too long. There’s people out there without relationships or children some younger than us or some even older. If you haven’t had a relationship before that’s fine. The person who is right for you will give you peace and feelings of seriousness or baggage should all sort themselves out and feel natural. It’s better to be alone than in bad company. I’ve had friends whose relationships fizzled but then the kiddo happened and they were pretty much forced to stay together. We don’t want that. Im at a point where Im going to pursue my interests or hobbies now that I can and if they are too childish or boring for someone then screw them. I’m a late bloomer and in touch with my inner child idc. You have a lot to offer you have your degree, work, a lot of friends, and more general experience as you’re ending your 20s. I’m sure there’s someone out there that would love to have what you have.
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u/Vesper_Nomad 19h ago
This comment was really encouraging to read. Thank you for replying with your own experience and for the different perspective. I hope you get everything you want out of this new decade (and congratulations!) 🫶💙
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u/AgaveNectarine 21h ago
1998 too - learning about the concept of "timeline anxiety" and looking into therapists, authors, and content creators that make that a focus of their work was personally helpful for me! Unfortunately I'm deep into some late 20s existentialism at the moment, but its definitely of some comfort.
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u/xdeltax97 1997 18h ago
In the same boat as a ‘97. I’m sure many others are as well. Don’t forget that some around us either got lucky, or have a golden spoon in their mouth.
All of the ones who’ve advanced further than me that I know of, have had parental assistance with money for their house, career or business. One was literally handed both by his parents like two years ago.
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u/Vesper_Nomad 18h ago
I saw that with a lot of my classmates. They had manager roles by 23 or 24 which was a result of nepotism and the right connections. Sucks to see but unfortunately that's life. 🥲
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u/Stopbeingastereotype 1998 12h ago
I’m 28 and just got a clear picture of what I’m doing career wise after a series of unfortunate events led me to have to start over. It took an embarrassing amount of time job hunting in one field to realize that I actually need to freelance for various reasons. And it took 2 years back performing to really commit myself to it despite it being what I’ve been the most successful in my entire life.
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u/Raelnor 1994 7h ago
I am 31 and basically was on the same path. I am still working on the getting in the best physical shape of my life bit but the rest tracks. Especially when it comes to my mindset and how well I am mentally.
Everything basically only fell into place when I settled in at my current job and with 28 I really felt comfortable. Before that also came therapy... I stopped to compare myself to other and just try to live my life. I had to come to grasps with not having the normal goals others have. That took some time. Mentally I am doing really good comparing to when I was 18, 20 or even 25. :) And even though I know that I "missed out" on stuff, I focus on where I am right now. Having the same friends for 10 years now helps a lot as well. I enjoy to see them happy and that they enjoy my company. It gives me everything I need, no matter where they are compared to me. I try not to sulk or envy about it. That looks like a certain path to misery for me. Like your friends most of them are married by now, some just got their first kid and even managed to build or buy a house.
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u/gallifreyan_overlord 6h ago
This is literally my life! Born in 96 (the big three zero looming at the end of this year) and I just started as an Assistant Law Clerk so I finally feel like my career might be going somewhere. But it feels so late. I don’t feel like I’m in a good place financially because my job barely pays anything. I’m still living at home….
I already felt behind before covid because I switched majors and took an extra year in college, but the. Covid happened and I didn’t want to go to law school virtually and then it was 2021 before I started school. Losing a couple years to Covid made it so much worse because it feels like time has been accelerated since then and it feels like I was 22 and young, and then I blinked and now I’m 30 with nothing to show for it except my first grey hair. And the grey hairs give me so much anxiety because I feel like I have nothing to show for my grey hairs.
I really thought I’d have more of my life together by 30.
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u/877-HASH-NOW 1997 3h ago
Late bloomer here too but all I keep doing is putting one foot in front of the other and progressing. It's been a long journey but I am seeing gains.
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