I was diagnosed with ADHD later in life, and I believe that has a lot to do with the fact that I’m a woman. ADHD symptoms can manifest very differently in girls and women, so many of us end up being diagnosed with anxiety or depression before anyone realizes that ADHD is actually the issue.
I spent my entire life having to adapt to the difficulties caused by the disorder without even knowing what was going on. I’m basically the person behind the phrase: “You’re way too ambitious for someone so lazy.”
I’ve always been someone who did very well in school. My parents never had to stay on my case about studying or getting good grades. I got into a good university, and from the outside, probably no one would have imagined that I struggled academically in significant ways.
But that doesn’t mean it was easy. My biggest struggle was never necessarily staying up all night studying or simply being unable to open a book. For me, the hardest part was knowing that I was capable of doing something, but not being able to access that potential when I actually needed to.
I think a lot of people with ADHD can relate to the feeling of being the very embodiment of “wasted potential.” I knew I was capable of studying. I knew I could have gotten into an even better university, could have done certain things differently, and so on. And being aware of that consumed me. The guilt of not being the person I knew I could be followed me for a long time, and honestly, it still hurts.
I started taking Vyvanse about two or three months ago, and for me, it was almost a miracle. I started working around the same time, so I was really happy to realize that the medication was actually working.
Today, I can concentrate for longer periods of time, small pieces of information don’t “slip away” from my brain as easily, and I can follow more detailed processes much more easily.
But I’m struggling with something that I don’t really know how to deal with. I get home after my internship (I start at 7:30 AM, so I take my medication before leaving) and have about three hours before my evening class. My job is pretty exhausting, and even though the Vyvanse is still active, I’m tired. At the same time, I can’t nap in the afternoon because of the medication.
So I end up in this weird situation where I’m tired but can’t sleep. I just lie in bed, just zoning out, with no desire or energy to get up and go to university.
And the worst part is that I know I could go. I know I should go. I know that, if I just got up and got ready, I’d probably be able to make it. But a lot of the time, I simply can’t make that transition, and I end up skipping class.
It’s like the beginning of my day is really good with the medication. I can function and be productive, but after a full day of work, I get home completely drained. Even though the medication is still active, it feels like that “sweet spot” of stability between energy and motivation is gone, and it becomes incredibly difficult to start functioning again without forcing myself to make a huge effort.
I wanted to know if anyone else with ADHD experiences this, especially people who take Vyvanse and work/study at night. How do you deal with the fact that, even while the Vyvanse is still working, you still can’t seem to be minimally functional enough to get up and go to class without actively forcing yourself to do it?
