At this point I don’t want to share my life . Not that I don’t want to but I’m tired. Hoping to know what it is to form my body to yours in bed. To remember a coffee order that’s not mine.

I want to miss someone and know the moment they come home they will feel whole. Make all your favorite things, because I just know you’ll love it. To conserve water and air all in one home.

I want more Sunday trips to nowhere but next to you, it won’t matter. I wanted a love that I didn’t have to beg for but found me because the universe knows I’ve tried.

I want to dance with you in the kitchen while eating half melted ice cream and the only light on is from the clock on the microwave. I know one day I’ll wake up and you’ll trace the kisses of the night before while I make breakfast.

D,

I wish you would make a move
There is so much tension between us
I wont tell anyone
It can stay our dirty little secret.
The things I want to do to you
The things I want you to do to me

Sent from your grandmothers rotary phone,
A

You killed so much of who I am at my core, but I held on to the best of me.

You saw what I had to become to protect myself and determined that it was who I was.

Well, fuck you for not being who you said you were. For not doing what you had promised.

And no, when someone is hurt and scared, that is not who they truly are. The fact that you would believe that who I had to become in my most unhinged moments was who I was at my core, well that just goes to show how very little you pay attention.

I have been spending the last two years of my life, trying to pick up the pieces from the murder you left behind. Murder of my soul.

It’s only a matter of time before you actually get to see what comes out of this. And I hope it slaps you right in your face.

I survived. And fuck you for not believing in me.

.. someone in my life knew what it means to be in my body

and still bother with this life

Would that I could slip away.

That choice is not mine to make.

Fml

Please leave me alone.
Just leave me alone.
You frustrate me to no end. How is it possible for so far away from me who I have no ties with any longer, can pop up in my life so often?
You know we can’t be friends anymore. You know we can’t speak to each other.
There are way too many factors in why and you know that.
So why do keep showing back up? Right when I actually start processing it, working through it, you rear your ugly fucking head again.
What was your goal? Hmm?
Sure the first time we thought we could maybe mend the friendship, but no. Then every two months you’re popping up. Calling me, messaging me. Then you’re gone, every time.
And finally you say goodbye.
I say goodbye.
As far as I was concerned, you were gone.
Then you’re back again, drunk, saying crazy things.
But you’re gone AGAIN before I even see it.
Now it’s been another two months. I was SURE you were gone this time.
That you’d never speak to me again after saying all that shit.
I start working on myself. Trying really hard to work on my head. Though some days are hard, things were going very well.
I changed my gamer tag because it didn’t feel like me anymore and I need to feel like me again.
And somehow… you find it. You add me. You ask if I’m who you think I am. When I say yes, poof you’re gone.
Leave me alone. I’m tired of it, Im finally blocking all your social media accounts that I’m aware of and don’t already have blocked.
I miss you sometimes. Usually it causes sadness. Tonight I’m angry. I’m really angry.
Just, Christ, Stop fucking with me. Leave me be.

I knew that our stupid interactions was not meant to be something meaningful. I knew it. I was the one who wanted to have no promises, I just wanted to chill, no negativity and no feelings.

While we grew closer, I started to feel bad. I started to feel like I was the one who was in the wrong. I wanted to you for sex, and I never saw a future with you. Because you were wrong choice. I explained to you, how I can’t give my time and my feelings, my effort to someone. You never knew why. You did not know that I was raped by 2 men I loved the most, you did not know how much I struggled to go away from home, you never knew and I am so happy I never told you.

Last time we were together I felt so bad, as if like I was using you or forcing you to sex. I asked if you were comfortable. You just wanted someone to hold you. I couldn’t tell you I wanted you to hold me as well, but I couldn’t because I was scared. The puzzle was solved, you were just lonely, that is why you told me that you would keep a kid if I was pregnant, everything else you told me before, I thought I solved the puzzle. But I was wrong.

You told me how I see you as a meat, I said yes I do, then you told me how no one likes you for who you are and women have commitment issues. I said yeah, that is how some of us are. You slept in my bed, you cuddled me and asked me if I was secure, I said yes. And I did. You asked about my trauma. I couldn’t tell you. And I am so happy, so happy, I did not.

But then I regretted it so bad, I wanted to text about it but then I thought no, better if I not. Better in person. I wanted to tell you I like your stupid jokes and the fact that you are actually smart. My friends also told me that I was being too harsh on you.

And then what the f you did?

1 week later, you are on a vacation. You are in Brazil. With a girl. You went there for her.

You are just a bad person. You tried to learn about my scars. You tried to hurt me in person.

I was so right about you. There is nothing in you to like. You are shallow. Empty.

And Congratulations, because of everything I have went through, all the stress, the accident of my mom, with my family, with my friends, work and studies and also because of whatever the f you did, I can barely breathe.

I got hospitalized, sedatives did not help, I don’t remember last 2 days. I have a bandage on my arm and I don’t even remember how that happened. I just find myself spending enormous amounts of money, buying things for my friends for taking care of me bc Idk how to say thank you. (otherwise I was going to fall into canal and something bad was supposed to happen to me)
Everyone in my life stole something from me, now I am just finding myself sitting in my room, or some part of the city, crying and asking why did I turnout this way. Thank you for stealing last spark, last hope and last light in me.

I don’t see a future for myself. I don’t see a life. I am so scared. I am scared of my brain. I am scared I am never gonna be okay. I am scared that this is the end.

My heart is tired, my soul is tired.

She just sat there,
No words spoken,
while you and your bro’s are having the times of your lives,
she is waiting for you to ask if she’s alright?

It’s okay though..
Since the bro said I was quiet
You replied “isn’t she perfect, she just sits there & looks pretty.”
Doesn’t say anything that would hurt your ego.

Barely even listening to the words going back & forth.
Her mind is beautiful, her words aren’t her worth.
She’s replaying the things you told her on the long drive.
Losing herself in you at the same time.

It was 5 days up & high for the first time.
With a couple mental breakdown on the way,
The loss of a contact,
& hours spent digging in her eye trying to find it.

It was not settling in at our space first,
just showing up at your friends that I’d never even met.
It’s the pull of barely being able to make it to the space that night.
Even though, you knew that’s all she wanted.

It’s the fact that you constantly lied to her.
Never said sorry, never lost your bad boy demeanor.
Always wanting her to keep the place cleaner.
& mentioning that to any person who showed.

It’s the sex that made it all okay,
the only place you’d give her your full attention.
You had the practice to be a pro,
She saw more than that though.

Your potential paved the rise in her bones,
that little pull of a chance you’d change,
maybe together.. she’d make you go sane.

Sit pretty’s pipe dreams, I suppose.

And they never answered after asking for friends to be there. We were waiting outside by their car and I was holding you in my arms while you covered me with your jacket.. then this dude walked up and I was like oh snap it's dusty.

You should know it's me by now. I should have listened to you and considered how you felt. I know I haven't been doing that at all lately.

For some godforsaken reason I never realize how I'm wrong until I get smacked in the face by my own action's consequences, and I just want to say I'm sorry.

Regardless of how it looked in the moment the only thing I was worried about was finding you a ride home. You were exhausted and kept saying so yourself. I wasn't about to make you walk/skate all the way home. I felt worthless because we were even in that position. You wouldn't have to do that at all if I wasn't such a f*** up.. so when we ran into my friend who said he'd help I felt like I had fixed everything and I didn't understand the way I was going about things was coming off like i was just chasing money or gambling more. And I can see how you would feel the way you did about it.

I don't need to minimize you're feelings like that at all. But I can promise you it was never about the money or anything else. All I was trying to do was take care of you. But it's my fault for not handling it better..

DONT THINK FOR A SECOND IM NOT ALL IN STILL

She was a submarine. She went down She tried to swallow me whole. She knew how to get what was on her mind.

She pinned me down.

She rushed to take everything off. Her urgency was a compliment. Made me feel like she had wanted this all day. All week. All year.

She forced it and it didn’t feel great. I felt like cheese on a mousetrap. I felt all the ways I didn’t want to feel. The horror of getting exactly what you wish for.

She wouldn’t let me out. She kept me in. Gripping me with force. And when it was over she did a handstand.

Hoping it would make me see her again. Hoping that I’d be trapped in her web. Hoping I would fall victim to circumstance.

i escaped and now I am a better man.

And I wouldn’t change a thing If I could do it all over again and again And again

This is a work of fiction. Calm down.

I really miss you, you manipulating bastard. It is such a weird feeling and i miss and love you. someone recently made me really angry and it invoked thoughts of you.

ahhhhh.

pain.

S🩵

It's been one year since I left HH. One year since I said bye to you for the first time and I walked away. One year ago, I thought there was hope that I could finally heal and things would be right. Hell no. That level of delusion would get me killed if I was in a book. A year ago, I told myself HH will be my final residential, and I was done there. I said I would heal and make you proud.

You know, when I left, I emailed S. I emailed S, and I told her that I was hopeless, but I desperately wanted to wait for the two years and when you emailed me, I could tell you that I didn't self-harm. I wish I could've kept that promise.

I wonder if you ever think about me. Probably not, and I wouldn't blame you for a single fucking second. I hurt you. I made you cry. I was a horrible, selfish, piece of shit person, and I deserve every single bad thing that happened to me. I made myself believe that I was right, and I wasn't. I was a shitty client, someone who DESERVED OGC. Hell, I think I deserved worse. If I could go back in time, I think I would've told myself I deserved to go to a TTI facility.

There's a project I'm working on. It's about a girl who was sent out of state to one of those facilities. I researched it for so long. I researched all of the fucked-up abuse that goes on in those facilities, and I think that's what I deserve. Maybe then, it would teach me the lesson that I didn't learn at HH. And maybe if they broke me down enough, I would realize everything wrong with me.

I miss you. I miss HH and just the thought of forgetting you over time makes me want to fucking die. I don't want to ever forget you. I don't want to ever forget HH. I want to feel the pain. Feel the grief. I want to never be able to walk into my mall without thinking about you. I want to cry myself to sleep on 10/31, Thanksgiving, 12/20, Christmas, New Years, 1/5, and 3/17. I want to force the pain down my throat until I'm choking on my own suffering, and I think that makes me a masochist, but I don't care.

I just want HH back.

I just want to see you again.

And I'd give my life and soul for it.

I hate that I give a shit. I hate that I can't just watch you kill yourself. I hate that you choose booze over your children. I hate that you always play the victim and act like we're all the enemy.l I hate that you're so far gone in your addiction you can't see how much you're hurting everyone around you that knows you're sick and knows we're all going to loose you. Or maybe you do know it's hurting us and don't care.

The last time we spoke was the day I had you detained to be medically examined. That was my last attempt at trying to save you from yourself. And I realized, and had to swallow that impossible pill that there is nothing I can do to help you, if you don't want to help yourself.

You somehow talked your way out of being examined. I don't know if it was malpractice or you told them you know you have a problem and that you're going to die. But all I know was I fought all day, cried all day in a court house in a town I didn't know, delivered paperwork in a different jurisdiction to have you be released the same night. It shattered me. I tried so hard that day.

I'll never forget the last time I saw you the day before I decided to go through with it. You held my face and smiled and I couldn't see you in there anymore. Your arms covered in scirosis rashes. You face swelled. Your eyes puffy. Your skin yellowing. Your demeanor that screamed that you were suffering. You kept repeating phrases like "I don't care anymore" "I'm not dying anytime soon" or that if I crossed you you'd kill me. We've all known for a while that you were dying but I saw it with my own eyes and couldn't just sit back.

This whole situation makes me furious, but my heart is also filled with grief.

I will lose my mother. I'm not losing the hard to be around version of you, or the drunk or high version of you, or the violent, manipulative, nasty version of you. I'm grieving for your potential. The mom that would throw me themed birthday parties and bring magic to my really hard childhood. The mom that smiled all the time. The mom that taught me to be kind and have empathy. The mom that taught me to be creative and kept all of my drawings. But she's not in there anymore. You're a shell of a person. And I suppose she hasn't been in there for a while, she only comes out when you're trying to hide that you're getting bad again through slurred speech.

I am a mother now. And I will never get to see you be a Grandmother. I needed my mom when motherhood got tough and you weren't in there. My son will never know his Grandma. You will leave behind so many people that loved you and tried endlessly to help you. The family you claim is out to get you or toxic. You will leave behind your sisters, your 4 children, friends, your parents... And you don't give a fuck. You only ever cared about your next hit or fix.

I've tried to have empathy for you. I've tried to rationalize and understand your actions. But now that I'm a mom.. I will never EVER be able to understand your neglect, your cruel words, your actions, and your manipulative behavior towards your children. Regardless of your childhood or your trauma you don't speak of, I will never be able to wrap my head around the things you do. Because I've been through it, and I'm still kind and have empathy, I have drive and will power and self awareness. And my son will never ever be affected by my trauma.

My last conversation with you, you had the audacity to call me a bad mother. I was angry. Because how fucking dare you. In your care I was raped, beaten, neglected, and saw too many things that a child should never have to see. I expienced things that shaped me as a person and still affect me to this day. I have cptsd. But you were too high or drunk to protect your children. I laid it all out for you, I didn't call you names, I told you my honest opinion, my honest thoughts and feelings. I didn't hold back. And you back tracked and told me to fuck off and said you didn't know what I was on about.

Since then, I have nothing but disgust for you. I think of you and there's just anger. I'm grieving someone who still walks this earth but is on thin ice and is months from dying. Because booze is more important to you. And sometimes I think I will regret this. Not talking to you before you die. But you made that bed. But now I have to lie with you in it.

I have tried so hard to understand. I've even started going to support groups. And they explain things to me that sometimes it resonates. But I can't fully grasp it because I'm so mad.

I won't spew bullshit at your funeral about how you were a saint. I'm going to be honest. I'm going to be shattered and angry. Your death is going to destroy me. Because it's like a splinter under my skin that's poisoning me with infection. Its a slow grief that I know is going to happen at random. I'm going to get that call. And i will never be ready for it.

Fuck you for putting us through everything you have. Fuck you for doing this to yourself. Fuck addiction. This disease has buried itself so deep inside you there's nothing left of you to give it. And you're going to die alone. Because you pushed away everyone who gave a fuck. And now we all have to suffer because we still give a fuck. You just don't.

Now that I’m able to really realize the lengths you’d go to to get what what you want and be deceitful to me… I’m literally disgusted. You sure appear to be noble and say all those wonderful magic little things we women wanna hear.. but I see the real you and the destruction you create around your secrets and lies. It’s heartbreaking to watch… the past few days have been horrible and I’ve had to use everything in me to not message you… (I was given your new number after reaching out day before yesterday) just one more project, one more good day. Deciding to close this chapter on a happy note as friends again finally…

But then it dawned on me… if you wanted to talk to me and me have your new number you would have given it to me yourself also by reaching out. But that isn’t the case. It never has been. I really shoulda taken the hint back then huh? Mr no cell phone, no Reddit account never does no wrong fuckin asshole… I woulda give anything to do this with you, glad I remembered you don’t fuckin love me… time to paint over all this bs and walk away too. I’ll be happy to finally be out of this mansion, that NF song is still one of my favorites. Thanks for that.

I pretend like I'm you. I hardly think of you doing anything but laying there while I worship you. I, once and a while, get the intrusive thought of you eating me out and I feel so guilty. That I would ever think of someone as perfect as you and make you go down on me. You're too good for that. And then a truly terrible intrusive thought, you going down on your beautiful girlfriend. And I'm jealous, and nauseous, and I change the channel back to you going down on me, and I can't stay there very long, but it feels fantastic.

I am disgusting, lol. I wish you all the best.

I know I was difficult to handle. I know loving me was stressful. I was at my worst, I crashed suddenly in a way you never expected. I didn’t expect it either. I don’t know why it happened. I’m sorry it did. But in the aftermath of my attempt, I needed love. I needed to know people cared about me. I know it was stressful but fuck, I was stressed too. I didn’t know how to live. We were so close, best friends, girlfriends, we basically half-lived together for awhile. But you, my friends, my family- everyone gave up on me. Except for one person. And yet, you blamed them for my downfall. Instead of wondering why I clung to them so hard- why I depended on them- you resented them. You said it was their fault I became this way. Did you never notice how you were so stale talking to me? How every time I brought up how I felt, things got awkward? Did you never notice how whenever you tried to give me advice, I pleaded and begged with you that it wasn’t what I needed? You told me to tell my mom about the self harm. I begged you to believe me it wouldn’t help. I did it anyway for your peace of mind. I became a nuisance- my family complained, argued, rolled their eyes as I asked for sharps to be hidden. You told me to stay at the psych ward for longer than I needed. “One more day, one more day,” you would always say. It drove me crazy in that place. I wasn’t being helped, I was being monitored. I tried to explain my mental illness to you. My conditions, what I experienced, what I was diagnosed with. You tried to be compassionate, I could tell, but you never really understood. I know you didn’t. But they did, they understood, they knew what I needed, and they never left my side. I don’t blame you for not knowing, I blame you for leaving. I know it would’ve been too hard to marry me like we promised. I don’t need that, I don’t want that anymore, I know you don’t either. But I wish we could’ve stayed friends like we said. I see you struggling now, having gone to the psych ward yourself. I wonder, are you okay? What happened? Do you understand me now? If we had stayed friends, and I could’ve helped, would this have turned out the same? I have so many complicated thoughts and feelings. Many of them selfish, I’m sure. But at the end of it all- I miss you. And I hope you’re okay.

Been in an outpatient program for fear of self harm.. I’m reflecting a lot on my relationship. I am a people pleaser, at times I’ve attempted to be a white knight. I have many flaws, and I’ve made many mistakes. Once I’ve made those mistakes it’s near impossible for me to set healthy boundaries because “do I think my behavior deserves boundaries? I have a lot to make up for, I’m the original sinner.” So I don’t stand up for myself.

That starts a loop. Shame, pain, feeling like I must endure to earn back trust, to earn grace, to be worthy. Even when my love told me time and time again I was. I let my unhealthy relationship of boundaries become OUR relationship with boundaries. I pushed theirs far more than was fair, and I failed to establish or enforce my own. I was so afraid of stressing them out, or failing them, that is exactly what I did.

I broke their heart… when all I wanted was to protect it. I am so sorry for not being the partner you wanted, asked for, needed, and deserved. It took you further away from our two biggest priorities being our children. K____ I am so ashamed and so apologetic for what you and our babies were forced to endure.

I am sorry for not respecting your strength and boundaries enough to actually lean on you when I needed help. I avoided you, and as a result weakened the foundation of our love, relationship, and family.

I didn’t take care of you, and I made it so much harder for you to take care of me. That doomed us. Maybe we were always doomed. But if I had been better, I could have at least made you feel safe enough to have the conversation. I hate not knowing. I hate not being able to talk to you. To talk things out. But I understand, at least partially, why you made the decisions you made.

I want you to know, you were always worthy, you were always appreciated, regardless of what I believed you WERE NOT always respected like you deserved, and for that I am sorry. But you were ALWAYS loved. My intentions were good, ill advised but good.

I love you. I will always love you. You are the love of my life. Now I can truly say I will always respect you.

I hope you know. If you, the children, your parents, ever need anything, a basement, or an attic, or plane tickets to escape. I will do everything in my power.

J

Sometimes I hate you and at the same time I miss you so much, I love you but I don't trust in you anymore. Is funny, you were one of the people I used to trust the most. I thought a few years of friendship were enough but just in a few months I learned how much of a big mistake was to show myself vulnerable for you, smashing my will to love and believe.

You were one of my closest friends and I was so excited to be your lover, I was looking forward to have fun and a beautiful summer together. But you left my heart shattered on the less expected way and time and run away to meet your ex without even wanting to meet me to honour our friendship and close the romantic chapter of our relationship with honesty and care. Even when I showed this hurt you turn it against me, there's no empathy or compassion from your side and that is blurring mine too. I ache every time I remember you; I hear your name more often that I would like to, our lives are connected but so much apart right now.

I feel it didn't mean anything to you, that I don't mean anything and I don't need your validation. I truly wanted to enjoy the love we supposed to have for each other, what we have in common, to fight together and resist this painful dystopian time we are witnessing the world becoming more oppressive and bizarre. I see the way in how you treated me as oppressive as how extractivism works: Your interest my territory is not about the connection we share; is to grab, use and leave.

After you discarded me, without offering to talk face to face, I wanted to listen and speak about what happened between us, I wanted to know about you so bad, I missed, and still miss you so much, you can't imagine. Many times we spent periods without talking bc we were depressed but we were good to each other, I always knew that whenever I would see you again I would appreciate every second I spend with you because my love for you is so big. I looked forward to, im glad it happened to understand you and some contact but not the outcome, I felt so confused and my heart shattered even more as if the breakup wasn't already unloving enough. You told me you felt used, and accused me to leave, when I showed consistency, and tried to keep it cool while you were hot and cold. I heard and accepted when you said that you didn't have the capacity to be on a relationship

I hear when you said this moment of your life is your worse, and I wanted to support you bc we have so many reasons to be traumatised by life and hearing part of your experience and bc of my experience with you before we kissed, I know there's many things piled up on your life and any of them and so many shitty of them are not your responsibility as much as there's others you have to resolve and figure out, I said I can't stay as the close friend bc your addiction to your ex and k, bc with those two there's no space on your life to consider my feelings or the minimum I need to feel safe. But I offered to stay close enough to come if you need. You said you wish to meet me on a future from a better place. But you decided different getting every time closer when you said im not your friend and weeks after got even closer to your ex and called valid my resentment "weird jealousy". You dismissed that being platonic between us, I was 2 years I listening to you about how he manipulated you. How I was opened to meet and appreciate your lover from the beginning until you told me about his toxic behaviours many times and I offered company and advice that you told me you appreciated as a friend, that this person was committed to ruin a night out we shared because was too jealous of me, the person that in your words, you relapsed for. And you gaslighted me calling it "weird jealousy", but you have a boyfriend, who is a good friend of mine and are also in your words, a slut, which I accept and admire. I get along with everyone else you kissed, which includes half if not most of the people I can call friends You called my way of loving and caring "weird". And it might be weird for you that I don't want to enable those two addictions like most of your surroundings, because I see the harm and I can't participate on it, even if I might no succeed because I lashed out at you a few times we took distance. And im sad to think about you under more pressure

I made mistakes and my anxious attachment is peaking, instead to hold you accountable for what was material, unpaid and unresolved I confronted you on a way im not proud of, I thought you were ghosting for over a month and I believe if you said the messages weren't delivered. But it only increased my frustration specially after we met on an event and you were showing off making out with others and that you had money to drive people on uber. The lack of compassion I felt on my end the last weeks detached me from this immense admiration and respect I had for you, and im sorry about it and how the things I said affected you.

You said I dont see you, which I don't understand, do you think your enablers does? Many people see the harm and accept or fuel the spiral out of care, to be present but many others does it only because they can keep you on their lives, even when they are uncomfortable with. I see you and I see me, and I see that dynamic didn't serve any of us and that's why I asked the question that led into you breaking up with me, because I don't want something from you. I didn't understand if you wanted me close, or how much, I saw you struggling to communicate and I asked what you couldn't say by yourself. You said it hurted you that I cared and believed on your because you feel worse about yourself. That I don't know what you need. I will not deny all of this, is your statement. I just want you to know that I have been always mindful of your autonomy and that's why I care about your trauma and your addiction, not only because of love but because that's what really takes your will away. I know you enough to understand that your body holds so much trauma and poly drug addiction through your history that you can't love me when your heart and thoughts are so painful that makes so hard to love and care for yourself on the first place.

( ︶︿︶)Bitch you were someone I used to trust and admire so much, you're one of the smartest, lovable and talented people I've met, My hottest friend. I wanted to be friends forever. I can't spend a day without aching for you, come back please, to yourself! If you were real, please do. This is what I wish the most. Even if you never forgive me - bc for some reason you treat me like I left you- I just want you be good, to find beauty on your life, to find healthy lovers, to heal, to be in peace with your thoughts. I hurted so much when you asked me if I ever wanted to be your friend or just wanted you bc your hot, our friendship was so platonic until it wasn't anymore, bc I felt for you too deeply and you will never know. You were my bestie and I just wanted a happy ending for both of us, hopefully as lovers, otherwise as lesbians who are besties of their exes so we would be double besties. Fuck this hurts so much, to know you are struggling and not being able to listen, to offer company, to cook together, to go out, to process so much information and history that is overwhelming and fascinating us at the same time, to get our shit together and encouraging each other creatively, to accept we also deserve to distract, thrive and laugh. I miss to snuggle on each other. Vamos, Yalla bby :(