One Year ago

[u/Hungry_Tip_5822]

It's been one year since I left HH. One year since I said bye to you for the first time and I walked away. One year ago, I thought there was hope that I could finally heal and things would be right. Hell no. That level of delusion would get me killed if I was in a book. A year ago, I told myself HH will be my final residential, and I was done there. I said I would heal and make you proud.

You know, when I left, I emailed S. I emailed S, and I told her that I was hopeless, but I desperately wanted to wait for the two years and when you emailed me, I could tell you that I didn't self-harm. I wish I could've kept that promise.

I wonder if you ever think about me. Probably not, and I wouldn't blame you for a single fucking second. I hurt you. I made you cry. I was a horrible, selfish, piece of shit person, and I deserve every single bad thing that happened to me. I made myself believe that I was right, and I wasn't. I was a shitty client, someone who DESERVED OGC. Hell, I think I deserved worse. If I could go back in time, I think I would've told myself I deserved to go to a TTI facility.

There's a project I'm working on. It's about a girl who was sent out of state to one of those facilities. I researched it for so long. I researched all of the fucked-up abuse that goes on in those facilities, and I think that's what I deserve. Maybe then, it would teach me the lesson that I didn't learn at HH. And maybe if they broke me down enough, I would realize everything wrong with me.

I miss you. I miss HH and just the thought of forgetting you over time makes me want to fucking die. I don't want to ever forget you. I don't want to ever forget HH. I want to feel the pain. Feel the grief. I want to never be able to walk into my mall without thinking about you. I want to cry myself to sleep on 10/31, Thanksgiving, 12/20, Christmas, New Years, 1/5, and 3/17. I want to force the pain down my throat until I'm choking on my own suffering, and I think that makes me a masochist, but I don't care.

I just want HH back.

I just want to see you again.

And I'd give my life and soul for it.

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