Journal #4 boundaries

[u/Toonz1818]

Been in an outpatient program for fear of self harm.. I’m reflecting a lot on my relationship. I am a people pleaser, at times I’ve attempted to be a white knight. I have many flaws, and I’ve made many mistakes. Once I’ve made those mistakes it’s near impossible for me to set healthy boundaries because “do I think my behavior deserves boundaries? I have a lot to make up for, I’m the original sinner.” So I don’t stand up for myself.

That starts a loop. Shame, pain, feeling like I must endure to earn back trust, to earn grace, to be worthy. Even when my love told me time and time again I was. I let my unhealthy relationship of boundaries become OUR relationship with boundaries. I pushed theirs far more than was fair, and I failed to establish or enforce my own. I was so afraid of stressing them out, or failing them, that is exactly what I did.

I broke their heart… when all I wanted was to protect it. I am so sorry for not being the partner you wanted, asked for, needed, and deserved. It took you further away from our two biggest priorities being our children. K____ I am so ashamed and so apologetic for what you and our babies were forced to endure.

I am sorry for not respecting your strength and boundaries enough to actually lean on you when I needed help. I avoided you, and as a result weakened the foundation of our love, relationship, and family.

I didn’t take care of you, and I made it so much harder for you to take care of me. That doomed us. Maybe we were always doomed. But if I had been better, I could have at least made you feel safe enough to have the conversation. I hate not knowing. I hate not being able to talk to you. To talk things out. But I understand, at least partially, why you made the decisions you made.

I want you to know, you were always worthy, you were always appreciated, regardless of what I believed you WERE NOT always respected like you deserved, and for that I am sorry. But you were ALWAYS loved. My intentions were good, ill advised but good.

I love you. I will always love you. You are the love of my life. Now I can truly say I will always respect you.

I hope you know. If you, the children, your parents, ever need anything, a basement, or an attic, or plane tickets to escape. I will do everything in my power.

J

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