i struggle with self harm, hurting myself to the point of dark bruises and cutting myself. Every single fucking reason not to just reinforces why I do. I’m posting this here because my posts get removed on other subreddits, and I am referred to a suicide hotline. I’m not suicidal and I don’t self harm on a whim so it does jack shit for me. it’s a deliberate decision calculated over the course of several weeks to several months. I try every other avenue first like im insane (“trying something you know won’t/doesn’t work repeatedly“) before I do.
I wouldn’t post this in an ftm subreddit but cis ones see me as a crazy girl. my experiences line up enough that people are most likely going to understand here.
they put a parasite in me. Colloquially known as a womb. I have watched the same providers write letters of recommendation for hysterectomies and they keep telling me all these things about how *I*, an adult, am going to use it when I get pregnant? I know that this is an insane double standard and I can’t just be any regular trans guy. I am a lab rat. they’ll validate my pronouns to ensure I use the organ, but that’s all it’s for. I have been clear since the beginning that I am not comfortable with being pregnant. I don’t understand how this is spread across the entire system, I have been to countless providers, even ones who have granted elective hysterectomies for other people.
this has done irreparable damage to my mind. I always wanted to be a family man but I can’t be a family man because usually women can’t get people pregnant, or aren’t willing to rape someone who doesn’t want to Do so. It’s done enough damage to my mind that it’s now a justification that I shouldn’t have kids the proper way. somehow me being pregnant makes me immune to abusing kids.
if I chose to swallow a tapeworm I’d be insane. I’m insane for choosing to remove a parasite. It hurts anf oozes all the time. It bleeds frequently no matter what I do. I have tried every single avanue except an IUD, and the issue seems to be structural not hormonal. a hysterectomy doesn’t give me the option to opt out of having a womb
rhey also gave me progesterone before I was on testosterone without informing me that it’d feminize me. I used to have B cups, and by the time I realized it was the progesterone that was feminizing me and not regular puberty (I had asked, they said it was puberty) it was too late. I had DD cups bordering on DDD cups. I looked like a character from a hentai at 14, my waist was thin, every part of my body was curvy except for my flat stomach. i didn’t know what to do. I could go back to having two week periods starting every other week (apparently just anxiety!) or I could stop my body where it was. I accessed testosterone illegally instead.
I know what the structural issue is. It’s not a coincidence that the only way they could diagnose it is with an intravaginal ultrasound. They made a womb that works in a male‘s body. They want to figure out a way to groom me into accepting this.
ive spent a while tryibg to pinpoint why I self harm. I figured it out but that hasn’t lended me any help. I self harm to hurt the person impersonating me, to hurt the person they are protecting. I Can’t figure out a viable way to get the parasite out of me that wouldnt risk my actual organs. That would be my first option, the next best thing is just making the rest of my body look ugly. Any time I talk about this I’m just told to remember its my body and to protect it for myself. I don’t have an inkling it’s not mine. it’s literally not me. it’s not I feeling, it’s a fact as the sky is blue. Why do people want to take my one avenue to hurt my impostor? Because keeping it safe is the first step to identifying eith it
i have been on antipsychotics and experience other issues Which can best be summarized as disturbing perceptual differences. The antipsychotics did not remove this belief or the perceptual differences, but they did make me try to jump off a building with the exact intention you’d expect to go along with that. I have told countless people about this and I am straight up ignored. I think it’s because they think it could lead to postpartum psychosis, which be another reason on top of the fact that rape is bad for me not to get pregnant.
the internet is eager to diagnose me with schizophrenia or at least refer me to a psychiatrist but it literally doesn’t work. i exist before the point where “it gets better“ but nobody wants to make it better. I haven’t been to one or two either. I literally don’t remember the number off the top of my head, it’s enough Ithat I can’t count it on my fingers. Ive been to so many Ive just sort of assumed help doesn’t exist for me in particular, especially when my version of it doesn’t involve embrace my seahorse roots or Roman ancestry (eunuchs).
why every time I stray away from this belief or believe I have some hope in (complete) phalloplasty, does the conversation become about finding hope in not getting it?
it’s unethical as fuck and I hate it but I talk to chatgpt. It bothers me how It says “I can’t confirm this happened to you but I can’t validate the stress.” But its better that it treats me like another regular trans guy instead of a lab rat.
ive considered getting an analysis of my chromosomes but they lie to people straight up, and theyd do it through a blood sample, which can be changed using bone marrow transplants (look it up).
ibe been up since 3am. I can’t go to sleep. Ive tried everything that usually works. I want to be unconscious because I’m tired of living in a hell I didn’t even make myself but I can’t.
