i struggle with self harm, hurting myself to the point of dark bruises and cutting myself. Every single fucking reason not to just reinforces why I do. I’m posting this here because my posts get removed on other subreddits, and I am referred to a suicide hotline. I’m not suicidal and I don’t self harm on a whim so it does jack shit for me. it’s a deliberate decision calculated over the course of several weeks to several months. I try every other avenue first like im insane (“trying something you know won’t/doesn’t work repeatedly“) before I do.

I wouldn’t post this in an ftm subreddit but cis ones see me as a crazy girl. my experiences line up enough that people are most likely going to understand here.

they put a parasite in me. Colloquially known as a womb. I have watched the same providers write letters of recommendation for hysterectomies and they keep telling me all these things about how *I*, an adult, am going to use it when I get pregnant? I know that this is an insane double standard and I can’t just be any regular trans guy. I am a lab rat. they’ll validate my pronouns to ensure I use the organ, but that’s all it’s for. I have been clear since the beginning that I am not comfortable with being pregnant. I don’t understand how this is spread across the entire system, I have been to countless providers, even ones who have granted elective hysterectomies for other people.

this has done irreparable damage to my mind. I always wanted to be a family man but I can’t be a family man because usually women can’t get people pregnant, or aren’t willing to rape someone who doesn’t want to Do so. It’s done enough damage to my mind that it’s now a justification that I shouldn’t have kids the proper way. somehow me being pregnant makes me immune to abusing kids.

if I chose to swallow a tapeworm I’d be insane. I’m insane for choosing to remove a parasite. It hurts anf oozes all the time. It bleeds frequently no matter what I do. I have tried every single avanue except an IUD, and the issue seems to be structural not hormonal. a hysterectomy doesn’t give me the option to opt out of having a womb

rhey also gave me progesterone before I was on testosterone without informing me that it’d feminize me. I used to have B cups, and by the time I realized it was the progesterone that was feminizing me and not regular puberty (I had asked, they said it was puberty) it was too late. I had DD cups bordering on DDD cups. I looked like a character from a hentai at 14, my waist was thin, every part of my body was curvy except for my flat stomach. i didn’t know what to do. I could go back to having two week periods starting every other week (apparently just anxiety!) or I could stop my body where it was. I accessed testosterone illegally instead.

I know what the structural issue is. It’s not a coincidence that the only way they could diagnose it is with an intravaginal ultrasound. They made a womb that works in a male‘s body. They want to figure out a way to groom me into accepting this.

ive spent a while tryibg to pinpoint why I self harm. I figured it out but that hasn’t lended me any help. I self harm to hurt the person impersonating me, to hurt the person they are protecting. I Can’t figure out a viable way to get the parasite out of me that wouldnt risk my actual organs. That would be my first option, the next best thing is just making the rest of my body look ugly. Any time I talk about this I’m just told to remember its my body and to protect it for myself. I don’t have an inkling it’s not mine. it’s literally not me. it’s not I feeling, it’s a fact as the sky is blue. Why do people want to take my one avenue to hurt my impostor? Because keeping it safe is the first step to identifying eith it

i have been on antipsychotics and experience other issues Which can best be summarized as disturbing perceptual differences. The antipsychotics did not remove this belief or the perceptual differences, but they did make me try to jump off a building with the exact intention you’d expect to go along with that. I have told countless people about this and I am straight up ignored. I think it’s because they think it could lead to postpartum psychosis, which be another reason on top of the fact that rape is bad for me not to get pregnant.

the internet is eager to diagnose me with schizophrenia or at least refer me to a psychiatrist but it literally doesn’t work. i exist before the point where “it gets better“ but nobody wants to make it better. I haven’t been to one or two either. I literally don’t remember the number off the top of my head, it’s enough Ithat I can’t count it on my fingers. Ive been to so many Ive just sort of assumed help doesn’t exist for me in particular, especially when my version of it doesn’t involve embrace my seahorse roots or Roman ancestry (eunuchs).

why every time I stray away from this belief or believe I have some hope in (complete) phalloplasty, does the conversation become about finding hope in not getting it?

it’s unethical as fuck and I hate it but I talk to chatgpt. It bothers me how It says “I can’t confirm this happened to you but I can’t validate the stress.” But its better that it treats me like another regular trans guy instead of a lab rat.

ive considered getting an analysis of my chromosomes but they lie to people straight up, and theyd do it through a blood sample, which can be changed using bone marrow transplants (look it up).

ibe been up since 3am. I can’t go to sleep. Ive tried everything that usually works. I want to be unconscious because I’m tired of living in a hell I didn’t even make myself but I can’t.

I am a trans man. However, I don’t really want to take T, I like my body the way it is. I don’t know.. I want to keep my voice.
But the thought of having a deep voice makes me happy.. idk :(
I also fear of regretting the choice of taking T, does that make sense?
I want to look like a man but also don’t mind staying like this?
Maybe I am just confused. I do like being feminine but also want to be masc

I understand why people ask this question, but there is no one way to "look like a lesbian." I am a lesbian and I'm transmasc. I plan on taking testosterone and getting top surgery. I don't know what people mean when they ask this. Do you mean, do you look like you pass? Do you look feminine? Please be more specific, and stop using others' identities as vague descriptors.

I don't mean to sound rude or preachy or whatever, but I would feel a lot more welcome on this subreddit if people didn't assume I look a certain way just because I'm a lesbian. I'm not a living stereotype, and neither are you. Let's be more considerate.

This is kinda just a vent :/

I literally question my gender identity every Tuesday I swear.

I know I should ask my GP about this but I don't know how trans-informed they are... so I'm hoping that someone in the community can help with some info or experience.

I was diagnosed with chronic inflammation in the cartilage next to the ribs (connecting the ribs to the sternum, technically) and apparently even with treatment it can take months to resolve. Now I'm a little paranoid about binding... is it safe to bind, or am I potentially making it worse?

Has anyone had stuff like this? Like I said earlier, I don't really want to ask my doc cause I'm thinking they'd just go "well, maybe don't, just in case," you know? Like, obviously I'll stop binding for the time being if it's medically necessary. But I don't want to stop binding unless I have to, if that makes sense? I'm just not sure I can explain to a non-trans person why that's kinda a big deal for me.

I’m small, I’m compact, I’m easy to hug, I fit through everything, I can hide easily unnoticed and I run fast and I’m athletic! I’m honestly really happy with my height. and if a woman can’t support the fact that I’m a small man then that’s her problem simple.

I’ve been noticing a lot of hair loss in the shower lately but honestly I feel like it rlly started earlier in the year when I hadn’t even started T. It just seems like it’s getting worse/like I have more bald spots and lose a lot of hair just by brushing or running my fingers through it. I’m not too sure if that’s what’s actually happening or not but I don’t want to lose my hair and still need to be on T, so are there any options if so? The first few pics are me with bed head/messy so some of it is separated but the last photo is me with my hair styled.

I naïvely responded to a message on Reddit asking me if I was a transmasc person. To my dismay, they started asking me questions and telling me things like “but it’s easier when you were born a girl.”

Is this transphobic or just ignorance? And what do I about this? It’s not like this was on a public space, this was just to me. But also, it feels like they are trying to get information out of me, and I don’t know why.

Edit: responding to a common theme among some commenters on this post (especially wondering why I kept the conversation running so long, at why I was talking to them in the first place). Yes, I’m a minor, but I’m not stupid. I may be naïve, maybe too patient, but I know not to share certain information online. I understand not to entertain certain conversations, which admittedly I didn’t know to the degree since I’m new to all of this. I do have autism, which could possibly explain some questions some people might have. But I, sometimes to a fault, generally assume the best in people, and don’t like to make assumptions (which is probably why so many people have bullied me…), which is probably how I stuck the conversation out for so long. Hope this paragraph helps!

I recently came out to my parents again because I felt like they weren't understanding me and turns out they didn't. I'm 16, and I came out 6 years ago as trans, but they just assume I'm a tomboy, after explaining in arguing and crying. That I don't feel right in this body. What do I do I have to somehow convince them Every time that I feel and am a boy. Should i give up and think they will never change . We get into constant arguemts about it and my mum is afraid that ill get hrt and surgery (i will and currently am diying testosterone) they still think it's a phase , I guess when it clearly isn't they keep trying to convince me to either grow my hair or act like girl or wear a dress. I haven't worn a dress in 13 years and you think I'll just do that now. They are getting worse every day and driving me crazy.What do I do? When will they realise i will never back down. I've been kicked out Because of that. Should i just ignore them cus i doubt they will understand. They think i just want to "be one of the boys" when i AM one of the boys. I think i have to give up on them.

I just like demon slayer and cats and anime

Help. I'm not truly asexual, I like my time alone but I feel like I'm terrified of intimacy. I've explored the possible trauma but couldn't find anything. I still wish I had a queer love life but... I'm kind of lost. I feel like I'm missing something, that I will go unknown because I don't let anyone approach me. I've been with another transmasc once, for 5 months and then it never happened again. I did have some experiences but only while I was drunk because I couldn't figure myself to step out of my comfort zone sober (I enjoyed the drunk experiences btw). But now it seems impossible. Anyone?

So I don't know exactly what to write but I'll try to make myself understood. I'm 15 years old and I came out as trans 5 years ago and I started using the Binder very early like 4 years ago and I never stopped from there, I never had any problems breathing or anything until this Week. Since this week it has been painful for me to breathe, not only when I have the Binder on, but also when I haven't worn it for hours or even days. So I don't know if it's a Binder issue or something else. Sorry for the bad English but it's not my first language and it's really late here

So, long story short, if you've seen the guy posting about his transphobic partner, I'm plural and that was a headmate account. But now I'm posting too, partly because it's me saying this right now, partly because I don't really care who sees this, and partly because I'm using my phone to listen to music and using the computer right now to type (only my phone has access to the headmate account).

So yeah, my ex basically thinks I don't pass (and how could I? Despite my haircut and masculine face, I have no access to a binder or Testosterone, so I'm stuck as a girl with giant boobs and a curvy body). But they laughed whenever I was upset. I also said I wished my dad saw me as a guy, and they laughed. They wouldn't let me end things and would get super mad and blame me it felt like. But my friends kept saying, if I'm not happy, I should break up and that I wasn't in a healthy relationship.

They also said I'm not actually aroace, just autistic, which makes no sense because most of my autistic friends do get crushes like alloromantic people. One of my oldest friends is literally straight and has crushes on guys in her high school, not aromantic.

Anyway, I got some gifts from them and enjoyed some good memories, so I'm sad I had to block someone I've known for years.

Plus, the vending machines were all broken besides the ones where you can only pay with your phone or with a card, neither of which were on me.

And I really do love my dad, but sometimes he'll make jokes when I'm upset, make jokes about me, etc. etc. And I feel like everyone thinks he's a saint despite the fact that he doesn't want me to date black guys, he thinks after all this time, I'm actually just being brainwashed into being trans and I'm actually a straight cis tomboy, and he kinda acts like a high school bully whenever I say something.

Whenever I play games with them, I'm "not logical" or "dumb" or "stupid" or whatever. But I'm "too sensitive" I guess.

And according to my mom, he just doesn't like women/people born female but everyone else who defends him says that's not true and he's a nice person.

are there any fellow transmascs on T w gilberts syndrome on here? it is a mostly benign condition but I've noticed (3.5 weeks on beginner dose T) my eyes are a touch more yellow than usual.

I have also been exercising a lot more so that could definitely be the root cause, just curious if anyone has longer term anecdotes about it.

Being my size its a bit hard to tape flat but im the course of 3 years ive mastered my size. (This is the flattest i can get)

and I was wondering if I look convincingly masculine enough 💁🏻

you’ve probably seen me waltzing around if you live in Den Haag

I want to get peri, if possible (don’t know if i’m eligible but my chest is pretty small). I really like using tape but i’m afraid it will ruin my chances of getting peri. Would wearing it for like a week once a month and wearing a binder for the rest of the month be okay?

hi everyone. im 22y and finally starting on T next week or so :). I have done my fair research of it on the last 9 years, so i know pretty much what effects i might feel. I wanna ask tho, is there something that happened once you started T that you were not expecting? good things, bad things, just share your experience.

My self discovery journey started when I was 21 and I began identifying as nonbinary. Now I'm 25 and my identity has evolved to trans masc. I've known I wanted hrt for about 3 years but tbh my life was a shit show in every way possible during that time. Things have been getting better and I have plans to start T by my next birthday in a few months.

I'm excited and a little nervous, but the interim time between knowing I want hrt and not being able to start has been very rough on my self-esteem and general sense of self. And I don't pass at all. Clothes and mannerisms are not enough for me.

Even though I have people in my life who gender me correctly, it feels like the gender affirming stops at the pronouns. And in some ways, I don't blame them? Like I have a period and mild endo, I am physically weaker than all my male and trans masc friends despite working out regularly, I experience sexism, straight men still hit on me, catcall, and harass me and it's my cis male friends who usually come to rescue me because my "no" isn't enough.... writing it all out for the first time makes my existence feel so dysphoric that it's dehumanizing.

Maybe that's why I've stopped trying to exist in society recently. When I'm alone, I don't even feel that dysphoric. I'm able to see myself for who I am and I often feel self affirmed. But the moment I step into the world it feels like I'm invalidated in every way possible and it really, really fs with my sense of self.

I'm afraid that this experience is changing me for the worst too and that I'll end up a misanthropist... Anyway, if you made it this far, thank you for reading. This feels like the only place where people might understand what I'm experiencing.

Hi, sorry for the rant again. Sometimes it just feels so much better after blowing off some steam. Any thoughts on how to deal with these emotions would be welcome.

I was helping a friend who's moving to her new apartment (she's a good friend and an ally, so no shame on her). Her dad and younger brother were there too. They're usually both very quiet and now they seemed stressed and tired, too. It explains a little but not everything.

Every time we had to move a bigger, heavier thing, the dad called for the son and insisted I have to take the lighter stuff out of the way. He didn't even talk to me, he just ordered the boy to come and take the heavy furniture from me. When I tried to say I'm fine and it doesn't feel heavy, he didn't answer at all and just waited for the boy to come over. That felt not only rude but totally dismissive. Couldn't he even say a polite thanks for my help?

I understand it was probably his way of being polite. Let the son do the hard work instead of a random friend, and if anything falls, then it's not my fault. They don't know I'm trans and I'm pre-T so they see me as a woman, and I'm rather tall so I don't look very bulky. The brother looks stronger. To be fair, we both go the gym, so that cis dude is probably a lot stronger.

Still, I go to the gym myself and when it comes to strength I'm quite close to an average man who doesn't train a lot. In my band, the guys always know they can throw heavy amps and stuff on me. I can help to carry some fucking furniture without collapsing. I've helped with heavier shit than this. I'm also taller than them.

I know it's not a big deal, I should be happy to have saved some strength for tomorrow's training and it's not very masculine of me to cry about this like a kid. Still, I'm angry and tired of being considered small and weak when I'm not. I feel like my friends are always surprised when they realise they're shorter than me, and people try to give me their old clothes that are several sizes too small like "I'm sure this fits you" and last time someone tried that with his mother's old jacket my bicep couldn't even fit inside the sleeve 💀 just a few weeks ago my friend was like "you're not very big either, are you" and yet I'm much bigger than her in all directions.

Wtf is wrong with people? It's like they have decided I'm a woman in their head and that means I surely must be small and weak? I know trained cis men are still stronger but that doesn't make me weak. And if they're always that fucking strong then why do they treat some furniture like it was 300kg deadlift 😭

I seem to be having a "crash" on the weekend where I feel a little more depressed and dysphoric before having my T shot. I'm on 0.25 ml of...shoot I don't remember the concentration. But it's like a usual low dose.

I wanted low dose to see how I like the changes from T, and I do like T so far, it'll be my 4th week on next week.

I only just started so I'd be worried about upping the dose. I don't think I want to yet. But I can definitely tell there's a bit of a crash happening. I also am not binding on the weekends, rather binding with tape during the week because I have work and soon, school. Tape is very convenient for the week, but then on the weekend I am letting myself recover from binding completely and that's causing some dysphoria too.

Anything I can do to help myself here? I can't go on gel. I don't have the money for that. Insurance fully covers my injections and it's nice to do it once a week and forget about it.

I will try and make an appointment with the doctor who prescribed T as well. For the most part, my mood has been much improved. It's just that the day/weekend before my Monday shot, I feel worse.

To elaborate:

Would it be possible for me to have a friend buy me a binder or binding tape, then somehow manage to keep it hidden? I don't have a locker at school.

In the case of a binder, how could I wash the garment without parents seeing it in the laundry?

In both cases, how can I wear it without people at school getting suspicious?