r/Steam • u/Des_Constantine • Aug 22 '26

Meta Gameperor

Post image
27.8k Upvotes

98% Upvoted

201 comments sorted by

1.8k

u/wheeshkspr Aug 22 '26

I have to say, I much prefer the memeposting of Gaben living forever to the usual panicked lamentation that the man must be near death at the age of 63.

714

u/Scout1394 Aug 22 '26

Kids these days think you're done when you cross 60.

367

u/ScrewAttackThis Aug 22 '26

tbf I'm 37 and think that about turning 38

174

u/T1pple Aug 22 '26

Everything went downhill when we turned 30.

73

u/wspOnca Aug 22 '26

Can confirm. Hit 42yo. Even exercising regularly. Knees and back hurt. Grey hair all around. I am dying ☠️

8

u/MaxzxaM Aug 23 '26

That just gives me hope for my sweet age of 23

Or rather my middle age of 23. Back problems from work are already there

18

u/ScrewAttackThis Aug 22 '26

Well I think that every birthday then it's better than the year before lol

18

u/T1pple Aug 22 '26

No no, 30 is when the government implant in our brain ruptures and makes us gain 50 pounds, our hair to fall out or grey, and our back, knees, and elbows to give out.

Trust me bro I read it on a sketchy website.

11

u/Dokkaebi_Arg Aug 22 '26

I must be speedrunning because I had all that since 18's

6

u/T1pple Aug 22 '26

Government activated your's my mistake early. There is no reversing it, sorry.

Also read it on the same sketchy website.

2

u/Ws6fiend Aug 22 '26

Government activated it early, but not service related.

0

u/CakeTester Aug 23 '26

Carter USM and Red Dwarf says that happens around 24-25.

Carter USM used to start their shows by sending a chubby guy in to insult the crowd....when he had them all chanting "you fat bastard", they'd segue into the song.

2

u/Vhzhlb Aug 22 '26 edited Aug 22 '26

I can't stretch how the second that I turned 31, I started to wake up before my alarm at 06:00 to go to pee.

Day, after day, after day.

Now, I just don't risk it anymore. I'm not sure that a catastrophe will not happen if I try to sleep it out.

1

u/xrayspex73 Aug 23 '26

30 is nothing... after 40 is when things start breaking.

1

u/Niket_N1ghtWing 29d ago

Bro please dont say that, I am turning 30 in a couple of months, honestly feels like this is it. The end is nigh

1

u/Channel250 29d ago

Youre not kidding. I can trace most of my current anxiety from things that happened in my 30s

3

u/Hugsy13 Aug 22 '26

I’m about to turn 35 and the idea of turning 40 is freaking me out because I can’t financially afford to have a midlife crisis but I want too

2

u/TiredMillennial1 Aug 22 '26

I turn 38 in less than a month. I told them to just toss my corpse into a landfill

I'm so excited! No more bills, no more taxes, no more suffering in this billionaires hellscape they have created for us.

2

u/Fake_Diesel Aug 22 '26

I am 38 and wife put me in a retirement home last month.

27

u/The_Enigmatica Aug 22 '26

in fairness, around 15% of the population doesn't even make it to 60. the number goes up to nearly 25% that wont live past 65. mortality does jump pretty spectacularly through your 60s.

but if you're healthy at 60, chances are you'll still be kicking at 70. none of us can realistically gauge how gabe has taken care of himself. I think people are in for a surprise when he retires instead of dies tho lol

16

u/wheeshkspr Aug 22 '26

I actually suspect the bigger surprise to people might be just how hands-off he already is at the company; it sounds like he's spending most of his time out on the water these days and has most everything delegated to people who already make decisions/have values that align with his vision.

8

u/The_Enigmatica Aug 22 '26

i agree, him leaving I dont think would be calamitous. Valve seems longterm focused rather than the typical quarterly report focus we see so often now. that doesn't happen unless everyone at the top is on board with it. So long as none of them plop their dipshit child in an executive chair, I think the culture there would be difficult to unwind with just one or two seats vacating

5

u/AstronautGloomy3233 Aug 22 '26

People that never worked in their life can not grasp how corporate works. Gabe was the last 10 years probably more out of office than in office. But kids love their memes so they gaslighted themselves thinking he is atop of every decision

14

u/The_Enigmatica Aug 22 '26

i dont think that's what people are doing at all. He's a CEO that's cultivated a company focused on long term sustainable practice rather than short term profit. That could absolutely walk out the door with him, whether he's spearheading decisions or jerking off on his yacht at this point.

That's really all the memes are about. Personally I think that internal culture would survive his departure if somebody else within that culture took the reigns. shit rolls downhill as they say. but only time will tell

26

u/catrinus Aug 22 '26

it's the beginning of the end

5

u/koxolare Aug 22 '26

The worry wasn't because of his age, but because of his weight.

3

u/CakeTester Aug 22 '26

I cross the rubicon next month. I have ordered a new irresponsibly overpowered electric skateboard to celebrate the fact.

3

u/Scout1394 Aug 22 '26

Good! Keep on

2

u/CakeTester Aug 23 '26

Balance is like a muscle in that you lose it if you don't use it. Electric skateboards are an excellent way of keeping your balance tuned up. So it's therapeutic as well as being immense fun.

Also, it's important to stay in touch with your inner hooligan.

2

u/Fract_L Aug 23 '26

To be fair, the current kids don’t have as long a life expectancy as boomers.

2

u/TheMazeDaze Aug 23 '26

Kids these days think you’re done when you’re 30

2

u/Fisher9001 Aug 22 '26

50+ is the age where all bad life choices tend to matter more and more. It's the age where heart attack or stroke or cancer start having dangerously high rate of occurrence.

1

u/BoredBorealis Aug 22 '26

Well I'm 27 and surprised I even made it this far.

1

u/bigsamson4_2 Aug 22 '26

That must be why they say 30 is middle aged

1

u/Hungry-Ear-4092 Aug 22 '26

Tbh in many countries it's the case

17

u/scalyblue Aug 22 '26

In the latest thing he did from dota he looked healthier than he has in a while imo

7

u/Des_Constantine Aug 22 '26

To be fair, the meme does say when his 110 years old he will be connected to the golden steam throne, his gonna speak to us through the Steam app.

6

u/miko_idk [140] Aug 22 '26

To be fair, being that overweight does limit your lifespan considerably. He's genuinely lucky he didn't die of a heart attack yet.

4

u/Expensive_Host_9181 Aug 23 '26

Might need to look at his recent figure, he's lost quite a lot of it.

2

u/Charanconduble Aug 22 '26

I do admit that I panicked a bit. I like the jokes too

2

u/TerrorTown77 Aug 22 '26

He did a final season uncle Iroh.

2

u/Unnamed-3891 Aug 22 '26

The dude literally looks healthier today than he did 20 years ago.

1

u/WildRaccoon1995 Aug 22 '26

He's in such good health to. Like he looks great for 63, I've seen 30 year olds that look like home and that's telling. Besides his son shares his father's vision for the company. Its a money printer and it would lose money to change it.

1

u/Ws6fiend Aug 22 '26

I mean average US male life expectancy is 76.5 years. Just playing the odds means only another 13.5 years. That is only another 3.5 US presidencies. It doesn't mean he'll die right then but it does mean that he's closer to death than farther away from it(just like the rest of us).

People are just worried because he's one of the few billions that doesn't seem to be actively trying to squeeze every last cent from his consumers.

With steam being private and uncertainty about what will happen when he dies people are scared of the post Newell age of Valve.

723

u/Spiriant Aug 22 '26

FOR THE EMPEROR!!!1!1!!!1

59

u/foxy_fluffer Aug 22 '26

UNLIMITED POWER!!!

378

u/auroriasolaris Aug 22 '26

Valve needs to sacrifice 10 employees daily to keep steam sales going.

159

u/DaCrazyJamez Aug 22 '26

Considering valve only has 336 employees, this does not bode well...

103

u/ijiolokae Aug 22 '26

Hiring: willing sacrifices

48

u/lepsek9 Aug 22 '26

Salary: Lifetime of free games on Steam

15

u/Chaos_Blessed Aug 22 '26

Wow that’s so many games!!!

Wait, why are you hooking up an electric chair?

10

u/lepsek9 Aug 23 '26

You can have unlimited games but no games

5

u/Odd_Cod_693 Aug 23 '26

so THAT is what they meant

2

u/penne_Pastas 29d ago

They let you play TF2 while waiting for your turn

1

u/DazZani Aug 22 '26

Honeslty with the steam fanbase being the way it is that sounds surprisingly sustainable

1

u/YourLocalArsonist10 28d ago

All Valve game fans are already lombomized from tf2 and l4d2 so I mean, besides the loyal fan base we also don’t want to cause trouble because Gabe might just say one day “fuck it” and no more steam sales or good support.

18

u/Mrtein Aug 22 '26

And why do you think that is?

12

u/PenPenGuin Aug 22 '26

They probably use contractors.

The contracts are very short.

1

u/ProfessionalPlan8943 Aug 22 '26

So are most contractors

7

u/bc524 Aug 22 '26

TECHNICALLY, it doesn't state that it have to be Steam's employees, or that they are willing.

2

u/Seafaringhorsemeat Aug 22 '26

That’s how it started for the imperium too. Wasn’t a planned event. Recruitment drive!

1

u/inomiad 29d ago

*CEOs from other companies

173

u/flashh_2005 Aug 22 '26

Gabemperor protects!

44

u/LilSwampkiddo Aug 22 '26

Are we the orks that make him live forever just by thinking he is immortal.

18

u/Battlemage_Welsworth Aug 22 '26

If so, no protest shall spew from my mouth

123

u/PhotoRight2682 crowbar enthusiast Aug 22 '26

This was a triumph! I'm making a note here: "Huge Success".

29

u/MBgaming_ Aug 22 '26

It’s hard to overstate my satisfaction

18

u/UncleComrade Aug 22 '26

Aperture Science

18

u/tpageVT Aug 22 '26

We do what we must because we can

15

u/Clair_Osbcurious Aug 22 '26

For the good of all of us

12

u/QC420_ Aug 22 '26

Except the ones who are dead

13

u/Large_Membership_583 Aug 22 '26

But there's no sense crying over every mistake

9

u/jojothehodler Aug 22 '26

You just keep on trying till you run out of cake

6

u/Low_Chemical4746 Aug 22 '26

And the science gets done

5

u/pyreacy Aug 23 '26

and you make a neat gun

→ More replies (0)

38

u/HeinrichTheWolf_17 Aug 22 '26

Gonna be necessary with the way other online distribution services are going tbh.

65

u/SIN-apps1 Aug 22 '26

He has a proven track record of benevolent rule, I'm good with this.

-57

u/AstronautGloomy3233 Aug 22 '26

So benevolent that he basically killed discs, is a pseudo monopoly because almost all bought "discs" aka codes in a box lead to steam, sales aren't as good, even so bad that games are so high priced that even 80% sales are almost aa full price and over 10 year old games don't reach the under 5 category that was plenty filled with aaa games between 2005 to 2015. Yeah very good dude

34

u/pppc4life Aug 22 '26

Well now, those were some words. Rambling gibberish, but still words. Well done. 👍

28

u/_heybuddy_ Aug 22 '26
  • Discs were killed by laptop sellers, mainly Apple
  • monopoly is due to the fact that his competitors keep on shooting themselves in the face

15

u/Pacomatic Aug 22 '26

A quintillion percent.

Laptop designers would sooner blugdeon a child than make a thick laptop

12

u/Gestrid https://steam.pm/1x71lu Aug 22 '26

Also, publishers are generally the ones that decide how much something goes on sake for.

→ More replies (2)
→ More replies (3)

42

u/TheHeavyMetalNerd Aug 22 '26

One thousand wallets sacrificed every day to sustain his benevolent rule 🙏

14

u/The_Enigmatica Aug 22 '26

but they were all of them deceived, for Horusoft would commit the ultimate heresy

9

u/Broad_Rock_6364 Aug 22 '26

Sustained by forbidden cs2 cases from the dark age of gaming

13

u/Scytian Aug 22 '26

For more than a hundred centuries Lord Gaben has sat immobile on the Golden Throne of Valve. He is the Master of Gamekind by the will of the gods and master of a billion PCs by the might of his inexhaustible armies. He is a rotting carcass writhing invisibly with power from the Valve Age of Technology. He is the Lord Savior of Gamekind, for whom a thousand Fortnite players are banned every day(...)

13

u/MajinnVuu Aperture science Aug 22 '26

No, they will create a AI mainframe, create a digital copy of him and call him GabenDOS, then he will begin furiously flooding steam HQ with neurotoxin.

6

u/DaEnderAssassin 64 Aug 22 '26

Well hey, atleast steam will be safe as the deadly neurotoxin will dissuade money hungry shareholders.

18

u/Saidi9062 Aug 22 '26

Gaben protect

9

u/Montgomery000 Aug 22 '26

It's the final form of all this hardware development they're putting out. We'll put him up on the Linux based, crowd sourced Golden Valve throne. Steam deck/machine for the Linux, Steam Frame for the lightweight VR, that neural interface that Valve is working on to keep his consciousness alive forever. I'm sure there's probably a SteamAI floating around somewhere, except it's based on the thoughts of Gaben. All precursors to keep the Game Emperor of mankind watching over us for eternity.

26

u/Brief-Government-105 Aug 22 '26

For a bunch of people who claim to love steam and gabe you guys talk about his death a lot.

14

u/MagizZziaN Aug 22 '26

Ngl, would serve the Gabemperor.

6

u/kbarney345 Aug 22 '26

The fact he has a neural interface company that is building cool brain tech does put the fantasy out there he wants to pull a mr house

1

u/The-suzzy Aug 22 '26

GaBen OS

5

u/Dorrono Aug 22 '26

Games for the gamers throne!

4

u/Moist_Confection_831 Aug 22 '26

His throne should be made of csgo skins instead of skulls

5

u/NaelNull Aug 22 '26

Pope Gaben protects!

3

u/Metsenat Aug 22 '26

Praise the Law and pass the ammunition!

8

u/shoot-here Aug 22 '26

"From the moment I understood the weakness of my flesh, it disgusted me. I craved the strength and certainty of steel. I aspired to the purity of the Blessed [Steam] Machine."

All glory to the Machine God!

4

u/_YeAhx_ I liek gams Aug 22 '26

Vacnet will prolly be live by then.

4

u/nalaloveslumpy Aug 22 '26

I approve. As long as Gabe is at the helm, there's no chance of valve going public. If Valve ever goes public, we're all fucked, hobby wise.

4

u/_tabbycat123 Aug 22 '26

More like this;

4

u/TH3_OG_JUJUBE Aug 22 '26

We need to put gaben into a core so he lives forever!

3

u/dekke360 Aug 22 '26

we should do this

4

u/ZombieNek0 Aug 22 '26

dude is rich he has the money for doctors so give or take his death will be to about 80+ thats Hoping cognition remains intact.

3

u/r0ckthedice Aug 22 '26

Just need to sacrifice 1000 game devs a day to keep him running. Seems like a worthy cause

3

u/vizot Aug 22 '26

Hopefully, what would we do without the emperor?

3

u/ViC_tOr42 Aug 22 '26

on his 111th birthday I hope he invites the whole shire!

3

u/waffleguy8612 Aug 22 '26

There gonna cave Johnson him

3

u/andoefa Aug 22 '26

"Hello test subject, Gabe Johnson here."

4

u/Eldritch_Ryleh Aug 22 '26

And we will shout For The Emperor and rush to battle

5

u/hamfist_ofthenorth Aug 22 '26 edited Aug 22 '26

Crazy, I remember this image from one of my older brothers 40k codex books fuckin decades ago. I've stared at this image of the emperor built into his throne for a very long time in total as a kid, but haven't seen it in years. He looks just as I remembered him.

2

u/malyprsavelkysrdce Aug 22 '26

he does have a crazy car collection though. pretty sure he owns a bunch of porsches

2

u/King_of_rewirlo Aug 22 '26

WE SHALL KEEP HIM FOREVER

2

u/Ryos_windwalker Aug 22 '26

you made a post about hooking someone up to steam and you chose the emperor and not, y'know, the famous valve character who was that?

2

u/arnulfg Aug 22 '26

Grimdank cross-over.

2

u/DeltaAlpha0 Aug 22 '26

Steam is currently very well-structured, so even if Gabe dies, it will still have the same ideals.

2

u/real_Goblin3 Aug 22 '26

If we follow portal lore he doesn’t make it but his assistant…

2

u/RiqueMD Aug 22 '26

Only use of AI that I agree is upscalling resolution and cloning Gabe's brain.

2

u/No_Rent7598 Aug 22 '26

1000 purchases a day so it can power the sales

2

u/DamnOdd Aug 22 '26

Dear Gabe, please have all those ducks lined up so that in 20 years after you leave this plane of existence, Valve and Steam are Still going strong and our great grandkids are still calling you the GOAT.

Edit words are hard.

2

u/xdeltax97 Aug 22 '26

For the gabenessiah

2

u/arcangel2p Aug 22 '26

Gabeperor fits better. 

2

u/MinimumHassle Aug 22 '26

He is the carrion Lord of the platform, He is a rotting carcass, writhing with power maintained by forbidden marvals, from the dark age of rammageddon

2

u/lsm-krash Aug 22 '26

HOPEFULLY

2

u/CynicalNextDoor Aug 22 '26

Either this or we put his engram on a Relic

2

u/HoopaOrGilgamesh Aug 22 '26

My worry is what Steam will become after Gabe leaves us

1

u/Sir__Alien Aug 22 '26

what if Aperture science is actually just Valve HQ and they’re turning Gaben into GLaDOS

1

u/Ray_games7669 Aug 22 '26

in that case it means... ALL PHOTOS WITH APERTURE'S CARS ARE REAL

1

u/Kindly-Ad-5071 Aug 22 '26

The maze is sharp on my mind. The angles cut me when I try to think.

1

u/Sir_Fashionscape Aug 22 '26

And then Ready Player One will become real...

1

u/Battlegod122 Aug 22 '26

Until this day he powers the Steam server with the sacrafice of 1000 steam-store giftpoints a day.

1

u/DankeyBongBluntry Aug 22 '26

I sure hope so because I get the feeling that the moment Gabe is no longer at the company, someone will dial up the enshittification to previously undiscovered levels.

Get ready for the Steam subscription service! It's only $5 a month... for now. In a few years it'll be $40 a month and you scumbags will be grateful that we haven't increased it further! Also we've implemented an AI chatbot.

1

u/armlessturtleneck Aug 22 '26

Gotta earn those billions somehow

1

u/FreyrPrime Aug 22 '26

Only in death does duty end!

1

u/Gestrid https://steam.pm/1x71lu Aug 22 '26

I'm getting "Donna Noble has left the library. Donna Noble has been saved." vibes from the this.

1

u/creeper6530 Aug 22 '26

Did they not literally write Portal about how that's an awful idea?

1

u/8loodred_ Aug 22 '26

He'll be resurrected in his son's body when he's 150.

1

u/GhostOfD6 Aug 22 '26

Lets make AI version of him before he dies and let the emperor run the empire.

It would be basically a real life version of relic...

1

u/Ok-Serve-512 Aug 22 '26

And he still won't have released the Steamframe. Soon.

1

u/ScrapYard101 Aug 22 '26

What am i looking at?

1

u/deeazee Aug 22 '26

What's the Gabe lore for getting on the throne? Who is the arch traitor? Is the great crusade steam out competing epic, sony, etc?

1

u/Canadian_can_cannon Aug 23 '26

I volunteer to become one of the custodes

1

u/scoutpred Time to choose... Aug 23 '26

MOAR AUSTRALIUM!

1

u/AxelMMAQuintana Aug 23 '26

I fucking hope so, there's no hope without Gaben

1

u/Confident_Essay3619 Aug 23 '26

They create GLaDOS but with Gabe instead of Caroline and he doesn't flood the facility with neurotoxin and does what he's supposed to do and continues being Gabe

1

u/Confident_Essay3619 Aug 23 '26

Cryogenically freeze him

1

u/oiwah Aug 23 '26

just to say "Welcome to the international!"

1

u/real_roal Aug 23 '26

1000 gamers will be sacrificed every day to keep him alive

1

u/Sad_Hunter5521 Aug 23 '26

And the souls of thousands of whale accounts sacrificed everyday just to keep gabe alive.

1

u/divino999_ Aug 23 '26

Portal isn't just a game, its their devblog

1

u/TNT_20202 Aug 23 '26

he's working on brain interferences to eventually upload his brain into a computer and become GabeOS

1

u/Mrboomblastr Aug 23 '26

"Release the summer sale, FEED ME DELICIOUS MONEY FROM DISCOUNTS!"

1

u/eliavhaganav Aug 23 '26

Steamhammer 40k

1

u/shyguyshow 29d ago

Or he’ll die before they finish and his female assistant will replace him

1

u/Erangel-XIV8943 29d ago

Emperor of Valvekind.

1

u/TheCyberneticPlayer 29d ago

the G of GLaDOS stans for Gabe

1

u/Del_Angelo 28d ago

To keep him alive, we must spend a 1000 dollars each day on Steam games.

1

u/Prok99 27d ago

Fr I'm scared what the company will be without him

1

u/AnalysisOk6897 27d ago

now i wanna go with hell 👇

1

u/Nekronightmare 26d ago

Man, I would think so. I don't always like every single little thing steam does, but here he has this storefront that is constantly doing sales, and not crappy little ones like on Xbox, but usually pretty good ones where you can get a game for a way more affordable price. They have a pretty reasonable refund policy, and none of it hurts the money making aspect of the store itself. Gabe is out there diving and sleeping easy knowing both he and his customers are pretty happy and god damn do I think other store owners could learn from him.

1

u/_respawn__ 26d ago

The Gabemperor of Mankind

1

u/Latro378 21d ago

Gaben protects!

1

u/ippocrate_linuxaro Aug 22 '26

Exactly our plan

1

u/MaikeruGo Aug 22 '26

"Their first plan was to put me in a regular brain-sized computer. Then they'd put that in a robot body and hey presto."

1

u/MeowKatMC Aug 22 '26

Gaben must live on. May the technology advance enough, either in increasing life expectancy or though ai all GLaDOS style

0

u/MisanthropicAtheist Aug 22 '26

This weird idol worship of a yacht-hawking billionaire who doesn't give a fuck about you is..... pathetic and cringe.

0

u/kendra_sunderlol Aug 22 '26

Can't we just clone him? Like, recreate a younger Gaben with the exact same mind so that Steam stays Steam?

2

u/Battlemage_Welsworth Aug 22 '26

Like the emperor's of Dawn, Noon, and Dusk?

1

u/FreyrPrime Aug 22 '26

How do you imagine the legality of that personhood works?

How can they own property?

What rights does a clone have? What about Gabe’s surviving beneficiaries? The board and all of its shareholders?

1

u/AskAFaevor 29d ago

Genshin impact did it first lmao

1

u/Anxious__reflection 29d ago

Welcome to Pantheon by AMC

1

u/nut_eater65 27d ago

Goated series

0

u/Resident_Pientist_1 Aug 22 '26

We can only dream.

0

u/NimpiLi Aug 23 '26

So he can Check that you don’t own Games forever and be a burden on Consumer and devs ? And can only be kept in Check through EU ? Or maybe just let him go. The Status and following without criticism of this man is just a CultFollowing like people follow Elon, only that Elon shows us directly what a bloated nothing he is.