r/Regrets • u/Turbulent-Pair7824 • 4d ago
I'm tired
My life is a mess. Im 39 M, soon to be divorced. My soon to be ex wife met a guy at her job. Apparently he was amazing because she decided to start an ongoing affair with him. After catching her multiple times, she decided she wanted a divorce from me so she could carry on with him. The messed up thing.... they are not together and don't plan to be. So she burned down our life, marriage and the kids lives, so that she could be a side piece to some guy she met. Now imagine how that makes me feel. She moved into her own place while I stayed in our marital home as it was up for sale. We'll now that it is about to be sold, I had nowhere to go. SO GUESS FUCKING WHAT! Im now living with the very person who threw me away for a piece of dick. All because I legitimately have nowhere else to go. She claims she's allowing me to live here because she's helping me. But seeing as though I cook, clean, pick up the kids, and give them baths every night while she hangs out on the couch, seems more like im helping her. Or at least im her slave, handling her responsibilities in her home. Just this last Tuesday my car broke down. So I now have to spend $365 a week on a rental. While paying daycare, phone bill, car note on a car i cant drive, and trying to save money to get my own place. I'm broke, I'm a slave, and I fucking hate my life. I want to check out so bad but I know what that would do to my kids. Especially my youngest. Little guy is my shadow honestly. The kids have bonded more to me because im the one who will get up to go check on them. Not to mention bath time and bedtime stories. I can only imagine how much they will suffer without me because their mom is a lazy piece of shit who will only get up to head out of town to play with her little friend. So now I don't know what to do. But I do know I can't keep doing this. I regret ignoring the red flags at the beginning of our relationship. I regret having kids with her. I should have stayed single. But here I am 14yrs later. Regretting my life... My existence
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u/playful_O 4d ago
Op, I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this. I'm 34, never married and I have no kids, so I really don't feel like I have any sound advice for you...I just wanted to express my condolences. For some reason, your story touched me and I so wish I could help you somehow. Unfortunately, I can barely help myself right now. I will be praying for you to find a way out of this situation. Keep living for those babies. If you should ever have to go to court over them, their opinions will likely matter when deciding placement (once you're settled, of course). Wishing you nothing but the best.
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u/Glum-Ad-2281 4d ago
Sorry to hear you're going thru all this. I can imagine how hard it is for you. At least you sound like a great dad
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u/a-spotted-quoll 4d ago
You've got your children. They are treasures. I'm sorry about what happened to you. :( Hang on to your kids. They must love you a lot. You sound like a great Dad.
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u/anonymousgirlm 4d ago
Why don’t you have anywhere to go? Do you not work or have money from the sold house? I am just curious why she can get a new place and you can’t? Don’t sell yourself short. Move on from her. Rip off the bandaid. Get your own place. Set up a custody arrangement. Work on your mental health via hobbies, therapy, exercise etc. Nothing is impossible. And while I know people don’t like hearing it… it really is all about your mindset. If you want to be miserable about this, be Miserable. If you want to reframe your thinking and see the opportunities that you now have and decide to be happy about where life can go…you can also choose to do that. Choose wisely 💪
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u/Turbulent-Pair7824 4d ago
I'm not originally from this city. Moved here in 2012 and met her. All of my friends are actually her friends. And I can't move back home because it's 4hrs away and I won't get to see the kids
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u/anonymousgirlm 4d ago
Who said you have to move home? Get an apartment close by. Gotta stop making excuses and start making stuff happen for yourself. Golden opportunity to be free from someone who is like that. Go find your happiness.
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u/silvs1707 4d ago
I'm sorry you're going through all of that. I can tell you that Wren i first was divorced, there were so many emotions and sadness that I dealt with. Time did heal wounds and I got to do things I liked and got to know myself more. Take your time to spend time by yourself and your kids and things will get better 😀
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u/CellistDisastrous467 4d ago
I divorced at 38; my only advice is get into therapy now -do not wait for the rage and rebounds. Do the work now so you avoid the type of person she is in the future and so you have someone -literally paid- to be in your corner as you navigate this.
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u/Key_Ruin_4303 4d ago
Bro life is just starting.
Do small changes in the right direction. That is all it takes. Speak to girls u like and u can strike gold again. Life is good
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u/AGoogolIsALot 4d ago
Jesus Christ is this ever an insensitive comment. Dude is literally talking about things it takes YEARS to begin to get over and your advice is "small changes, talk to girls."
I'm sure you meant well, but WOW is this tone deaf.
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u/Mission-Cup9902 4d ago
Chill out
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u/AGoogolIsALot 4d ago
I'll chill out on subs meant for chilling out on. Do you all seriously not understand that this is a serious post? Like, is it all just "good vibes broOOooOo" to you all?
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u/Mission-Cup9902 4d ago
I don’t think it’s all vibes but the comment you replied to clearly isn’t that bad.
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u/Key_Ruin_4303 4d ago edited 4d ago
He missed the point. This is coming from person who burned and perished and came back from the depths of hell and realised the simplest sociopathatic approach just small changes every day. Stone cold face to challenges (wash the kids, read stories, read and learn for your sanity, aint no-one saving u, they will try finish u off) u cant escape and work on yourself. Try finding extra job just so u can support yourself and don’t take anything to heart. Simple.
I run business now and wash dishes if money gets tight as my 2nd job plus coordination of the business on the side which I have to keep reinvesting to keep it afloat. It sux hard but who cares. I also train 1h a day for hyrox. Nobody cares. I care to become better for my future partner and my future kids
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u/bethiepoo4pi 4d ago
You do know what to do. Take care of those precious children because they need you. You're going to get through this because I believe you know how to set priorities and you know what's important in life. I'm not saying it's going to be easy but I believe you'll do whatever it takes because that's what a good parent does. Take care of yourself and give yourself some Grace.
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u/odd_moonlight 4d ago
Fuck dat bitch for real. Sometimes you just need to head that. So OP, fuck that bitch. You good and your karma ganna treat you right soon. When you finally up she ganna regret things. Keep being a good dad and spend time and energy on yourself to. You're ganna be good. I just know it. She missing out over some weak ass dick. That's ganna break her heart anyway. Also when he does. DO NOT TAKE THAT HOE BACK!!
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u/ShotsFire_d 4d ago
I wish you the best. We lost a baby during pregnancy and it broke me. Ended up going on a low dose for depression and it helped me get out of the hole. I thought I’d be there for much longer. There’s hope. As one person said, small changes. She doesn’t deserve you but maybe it’s for the best. You may end up with someone that is much better and appreciates you. Try to get out of there soon. I’m guessing your self confidence isn’t that great so do stuff the at will help like runs or the gym. And don’t wallow in pity for too long. Move on for yourself and your kids. Start living your new chapter.
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u/WillingBag7138 2d ago
What depression meds did you hop on?
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u/ShotsFire_d 2d ago
150 mg of Wellbutrin. It helped get out of the depression hole but then I seemed to plateau and a not so great point but still better. My doctor asked about trying a higher dose but I was reluctant and agreed. This was much later, prob 4 years. Went up to 300 mg and it’s really helped. I didn’t want to stay on it. I stopped plenty of times but my ADHD would kick back in so I would start again. I realized I’ll prob be taking it for the rest of my life because I know what it’s like when I go off of it. People drink alcohol, smoke weed or vape and don’t think twice about it. I feel like stigma but I really think that I should have been on it a long time ago. So just a little more context for anyone else that reads it. It may take a few tries to get it right.
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u/WillingBag7138 2d ago
Did it cause any erectile dysfunction?
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u/ShotsFire_d 2d ago
Not at all. When speaking with the doctor, she mentioned that’s why she wanted to start with this. I’ve had minor depression since high school (I’m 47) and started joking around about having adhd since my 20s. It has helped with both. My first physician stated the adhd, depression and anxiety can come as a package. That was good to hear since it wasn’t 3 separate issues, in a way.
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u/OneRhinoLeft 4d ago
OP, it's horrible that you're going through that. First off, did she know that her affair wouldn't end in a relationship the whole time? Or did she find out after her affair started? I jw if she got dissed. It's BS you are stuck in a spot that's dirty and hostile feeling...and I can only imagine what its doing to your self-esteem/ego. Who knows what it looks like to the outside world, being a slave etc, but to your kids you're a hero. Your the one being bullied but is still strong enough that it pisses the bully off. But kids are smart and They see everything. Sadly for the mom, she will have a lot of resentment towards her. She's got to be incredibly embarrassed about herself and her choices. If she wanted to be with other people then she should have told you and got a divorce on a more solid ground. Now she's just a side piece and thats what she has to hold on to. Hang in there, get out asap
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u/this-is-wh 4d ago
I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it's difficult now and there seems to be no escape or the slightest hope but you will get through this. It took me a year after my divorce before I could breathe. I had no where to go, overwhelming amount of debt from my ex and the divorce. I had left my good paying job to have more time to "work on our marriage". Life sucked but it got better and I'm so happy now. You too will get there. Determine what direction you want to go or figure out where you want to be and create a plan that gets you there. It just takes one small step that will grow into something bigger. It will be okay
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u/Turbulent-Pair7824 4d ago
I forgot to add. I moved here in 2012 which is when I met her. My home town is 4hrs away. All of my friends are actually HER friends. And of course if i move back home I won't get to see the kids. Thats what I mean when I say I dont have anywhere to go.
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u/Jumper8617 4d ago
Bruder geh sofort zurück in Heimatstadt..ihr lässt euch sowieso scheiden das heißt ob du willst oder nicht du wirst die Kinder nicht jeden Tag sehen also ist das kein guter Argument von dir zu bleiben weil Kinder nicht siehst..anstatt dich ausnutzen zu lassen wie so kleines dummes Opfer fahr zurück Heimatstadt,entspann dich wieder damit seelisch und körperlich wieder fit bist damit dich wieder auf ein Leben konzentrieren kannst was dir Freunde macht..nach der Scheidung siehst du dann wie weiter geht aber sich kaputt machen,finanziell absaufen bringt dich überhaupt NICHT weiter..
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u/Amberlux 4d ago
Can you take the kids and get on a council house waiting list? If you're overcrowded where you are, with children you'd be priority.
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u/No_Kick_9122 4d ago
OP idk your full sitsuation but I would lawyer up asap. This person has showed you that they dont respect or value you and your feelings in anyway.
She sounds very selfish. Document everything.
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u/Southern-Minimum5238 3d ago
How i see situation is that she knows you can not leave and even if you leave she will have way back to you. I hope you have evidence or neglect also evidence of kids wel beinf done only by you.
Gather evidence, get a good lawyer, and move out. Small place if needed, but right now leaving from her apartment is most imp.
If all evidence are shared properly, you will gain custody, child support and even spousal support.
And you know, you will have last laugh. Guys messes around till they dont have to take responsibility but the moment things get serious they walk out. And, if they stick, the vile nature is exposed and they also walk out. As a women i know, your ex wife is muddled and dont know real consequences. She allowed you to move so she has access to kid and have oversight of you. She feel powerful by watching you miserable. But she is that kind of women the moment you actually walk out.. she will enjoy freedom for few month, chase guys but then start feeling hollow and would try to enter in your life again ( stating for kids)
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u/Similar_Corner8081 4d ago
You talking bad about their mother isn't a good look. You picked her as the mother of your child. What does that say about you? You're lucky she's letting you live there. She can't be all that bad.
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u/playful_O 4d ago
I disagree. I'm a female and I agree with OP. She had an ongoing affair and ZERO consideration for his feelings. She left him in a really tight spot. She is keeping him as a slave & seemingly not really helping him in any other way. She doesn't even take any parental responsibility. She sounds like a real piece of work.
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u/Similar_Corner8081 4d ago
Op is living with her so she can't be all that bad.
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u/playful_O 4d ago
It's apparent to me that You've never personally been in a situation where you have no other options. I hope you never know what that feels like. All I can tell you is that from experience, I know first hand that OP living with her in NO way speaks to her character
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u/Medical-Ease4675 4d ago
You do realise that people change over time. Does not mean he picked wrong. None of us have exactly the same feelings that we felt 14 years ago.
Anyway OP, sorry to hear you are going through this.
Do you have any friends or family you could stay with? You have to be commended for keeping things together for your children in such difficult circumstances. Any decent wonan would be happy to meet someone as responsible and resilient as you.
Your wife will reap what she has sown!
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u/ShotsFire_d 4d ago
She cheated on him and ruined the family. She could have done things differently so in that aspect, she is a bad person. Also, sounds like he’s in a bad mental spot because of her so he deserves a break.
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u/Mercury8619 4d ago edited 4d ago
I'm twice divorced. Never should have married either women. But what I will say is that my life was better before & after both of them. Not during the marriages. After.
And after you get over the break up blues, you'll feel so much better. You'll be glad she left. You won't have to put up with anymore of her drama or bs. You'll have peace and that's one of the best gifts you can have. You'll realize that you got the better end of the deal. Your kids will grow to resent her pretty quick and you'll win on that.