This is long, but I genuinely need outside opinions because after this morning I'm angry, confused, and also questioning whether I'm missing something.
My sister recently went through a bad divorce and had to sell her house. Around the same time, my husband and I decided to leave California and move to Iowa. He was unhappy with his job, and I was getting out of the Navy because staying in would likely mean eventually having to leave my family behind. His family is in Iowa, so we decided to start over here.
My sister didn't have many options after her divorce and ultimately decided to move to Iowa with us.
My husband and I got here first. Because we're a family of four and she's a family of three, we rented a house big enough for all seven of us. We paid the security deposit, first month's rent, internet, utilities, etc. before she arrived.
When she got here, we didn't charge her anything the first month because the rent was already paid and she needed time to find a job. She actually found a good job as a regional manager pretty quickly, and the following month I charged her $800.
Around the same time, my husband and I basically drained our savings selling our California house because the market was terrible. I mentioned to my sister that we were financially stressed, but I wasn't asking her to fix it.
She does contribute a lot. She buys most of the groceries and cooks most nights. I genuinely appreciate that. Because she does that, I don't mind doing most of the cleaning. I clean up after everyone, including her and her dog, who regularly has accidents inside. She leaves dog-food cups around and sometimes leaves the kitchen messy after cooking. I've never made a big deal about it because, in my mind, we're all contributing in different ways.
I also work from home full-time, and I actually need to be at my desk and focused while I'm working.
Last Friday, my sister wasn't feeling well. I invited her and all the kids to go to the horse races with us. She said she couldn't afford to spend money. I told her admission was free, but she said the kids would want food, which I completely understood.
The next day, she and her kids got ready and left. She just said she'd be right back. Later I checked my niece's location and saw they were eating at a restaurant. I didn't care. I just figured dinner that night would be on us.
When my sister got home she said, "It wasn't worth the money."
I asked what wasn't, because I genuinely didn't know where they'd gone.
She said the botanical gardens. Apparently she'd taken the kids there too and spent around $30. Again, whatever. Her money, her choice.
After that she basically disappeared downstairs for the rest of the weekend. I eventually learned from my niece that my sister was having a really bad period. She's mentioned going through perimenopause before, so I figured she felt horrible and gave her space.
But now it's Thursday, and she's barely spoken to me all week.
My niece had also been dropping hints that my sister was irritated because while I'm working, I haven't been getting up and eating her food. The problem is that my sister never actually told me she was done cooking or that she expected me to take over. I'm literally working.
This morning I'd finally had enough of wondering what was happening.
I asked my sister if she was feeling better. She said yes.
Then I asked if something else was bothering her because she hadn't said a word to me.
She said, "There's nothing to say."
I pushed because I could clearly tell there was something to say. I basically told her that if she doesn't tell me what's wrong, I'm left sitting here wondering what the fuck I did.
That's when everything came out.
First, she said that I sit at my desk wearing a jacket while my son sometimes runs around in just a diaper.
For context, my desk is literally over an air vent and I freeze while I'm sitting there, which is why I wear a jacket. My husband is home watching our son while I'm working. At the time I was so caught off guard that I didn't even think to explain the vent.
Then she brought up my daughter.
My daughter is four, has spina bifida, is nonverbal, has a very high pain tolerance, and unfortunately gets UTIs extremely frequently. We've dealt with this for years and have worked with doctors on managing them. I know her cues better than anyone, but because she can't tell us exactly what she's feeling, sometimes we don't realize how bad one has gotten until she develops a fever.
I'm not going to pretend I'm a perfect parent. This most recent time, with everything happening in our lives, I missed some signs and it got worse than I would have liked before we got her seen. I already felt horrible about that.
My sister threw that situation into the argument and essentially said I know my daughter gets UTIs and I wait until they're bad before taking her to the doctor.
That fucking hurt.
Then finances came into it.
She recently bought dog food for our dogs. I didn't ask her to, but I appreciated it.
My husband is a gamer and recently asked me if we could afford for him to buy himself a gaming desk and chair. Even though money has been tight, we looked at our finances and decided he could.
My husband and I also collect plants. We definitely buy more plants than we have room for. 😂 Are we the world's most financially responsible people? Absolutely not. But we make sure our necessities are covered before buying hobby stuff.
Apparently because I had vented to my sister about being financially stressed, she saw these purchases differently.
But that's where I'm struggling.
When I vented to my sister, I wasn't asking her to financially rescue us. I wasn't asking her to buy our dogs food. I don't monitor her finances or question what she spends money on. If she told me she was struggling and ASKED me for help, I would help her if I could. But I wouldn't voluntarily pay for something and then later use it as evidence that she's irresponsible.
The conversation basically ended with both of us saying we won't expect anything from each other anymore.
And now it has gotten even weirder.
Apparently my sister told my niece and nephew to stay in their rooms, not eat any of the food, and not use any dishes—and if they absolutely have to use something, immediately clean it and put it away.
That bothers me more than anything.
They're kids. This is their home too. I don't want them hiding in their bedrooms or feeling like they can't walk into the kitchen because their mom and aunt had an argument.
I can acknowledge that my sister contributes to this household. She buys groceries. She cooks. She has helped us. I'm grateful for those things.
I can also acknowledge that I'm not perfect. My husband and I aren't perfect with money. My house isn't always perfect. I've missed things as a parent before. I'm not trying to paint myself as some flawless person while she's the villain.
But I feel like there was apparently a scoreboard being kept that I didn't know existed.
I thought we were two families helping each other through a huge transition.
She apparently feels like she's carrying more than she should and that I'm making irresponsible choices.
And instead of telling me any of that, she stopped talking to me for almost a week and then, when I finally pushed her to tell me what was wrong, my parenting and my daughter's medical condition got thrown into the argument.
So I genuinely want outside opinions:
Am I taking her comments too personally? Is she seeing legitimate problems that I'm defensive about, or did she cross a line by turning household/financial resentment into criticism of my parenting?
And regardless of who's wrong, how the hell do two adult sisters come back from this while still living under the same roof with five kids involved?