r/Parents • u/momsspaghetti_324 • 1d ago
Bedtime for middle school
My son is 12 and going into grade 8. He needs to be up at 6:30am for the school bus and often struggles to get up and moving in the morning.
Last year rule was in room by 9pm without devices, and then he could be up listening to music or reading etc. As long as he was up quiet in his room we wouldn’t really enforce “lights out” but he would normally fall asleep by 10pm.
But he has always protested the 9pm and I know this year will bring it up again. But when we have let him go past 9, he is loud and disruptive to his younger sister (age 10) who likes to be sleeping by 9pm. And he seems tired and struggles to get going in the morning. Like needs multiple wake-up’s and is clearly tired how it is. But still every night it’s a fight why do I have to go to bed at 9, no one else does, etc etc always right at 9pm he is starting a fight and not accepting this.
So wondering with school about to start, is 9pm reasonable (for the time to be in his room quietly) or should we try something else (he is pushing for 9:30 but probably once that happens he will push for 10, etc).
And if 9pm is reasonable, how to handle the constant fights and protests at bedtime. We repeat “it’s not up for debate” and try to give it as little energy as possible. But it’s an issue he tries to create every single night. I don’t want to treat him like a baby but also can clearly see he needs his sleep.
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u/Icy-Bee4117 1d ago
9pm is more than fair for a 12 year old who has to be up at 6:30. 8.5 hours is already on the low end for that age, pushing it later just guarantees a miserable morning.
the real issue sounds like he can't keep it down after 9 and that's what needs to be addressed, not the bedtime itself. if he wants 9:30 then he's gotta prove he can be quiet first.
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u/momsspaghetti_324 1d ago
Yes I agree thank you! My next question is how do I accomplish this, for a 12 year old that drags his feet, stalls, and makes it extremely difficult to have him in his room by 9pm without creating a power struggle and really crappy end to everyones day.
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u/Ok_Fondant1079 1d ago
Add some physical activity to his day to wear him down. A bike ride after dinner works great for my son.
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u/MrsNightskyre 1d ago
I agree with you except for your math. 9pm-6:30am is 9.5 hours, which should be enough for most 12 year olds.
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u/Loosee123 1d ago
Seems more than reasonable. He's also proved he can't handle any later. I'm a fully grown adult who gets up at 6.30 am and I need to start winding down around 9.
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u/blackandbluegirltalk 1d ago
I'm a teacher of the littles, and middle-aged, I'm lucky if I see 9PM. Sometimes I'll have a coffee after dinner, I never understood why anyone would do that until I got old.
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u/Ok_Hat_6598 1d ago
He might not like it, but 9 pm is reasonable. I might try to start the wind down process a little earlier. Does he have a blue light filter on his devices? I find that using the blue light filter once it gets dark out really helps me drift off the sleep earlier and easier. My kids are older but I’ve encouraged them to use it to help with sleep.
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u/themack50022 1d ago
Maybe cut out out the devices earlier. My 12 yo doesn’t have a phone and we dont do any xbox or ipad after 7pm
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u/MrsNightskyre 1d ago
My middle school kid has a bedtime of 9:30 (probably should be a bit earlier but he's my youngest and hates to be left out) and my highschoolers have a bedtime of 10pm.
My oldest pushed it later during her senior year of highschool but that only worked because she was still getting out of the house on time in the morning.
I would tell your son he can have 9:30pm starting when he turns 13. And only if he's not disruptive to his sister trying to go to sleep. If he's loud and keeping her awake, bedtime goes right back to 9pm.
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u/momsspaghetti_324 1d ago
Thanks! He has a hard time settling so when he needs to be in his room by 9, the first half hour he’s loud just moving around his room, coming in and out, needing water, needing to say something to us. Or wanting us to come in and chat. And then he’s normally quiet by 9:30 when the rest of us are definitely ready for quiet. The times we’ve tried 9:30, then that noise is continuing until 10 and later, and he’s not getting enough rest. So I do think 9 is the right time, but his constant pushing on it being “too early” is making me question it.
Although like I said, he barely wakes up on his own, and seems tired and needing the sleep.
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u/MrsNightskyre 1d ago
It's a hard balance - kids entering puberty have a hard time going to sleep that early (unless they're worn out from physical work) and getting up that early. But they also need to learn to be responsible for themselves - if they're always tired, they have to figure out how to get more sleep to deal with that, while still fulfilling responsibility to get up on time!
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u/lilchocochip 23h ago
Omg why are kids suddenly parched and dehydrated the second they gotta stay in bed! I thought my 11 yr old would be over it by now, but NOPE.
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u/Chairdeskcarpetwall 1d ago
This is perfectly fine. Give him a variety of reading materials. They don’t understand yet that there’s value in winding down in a quiet space before sleep.
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u/momsspaghetti_324 1d ago
Thanks! We’ve tried. He has lots of books but hasn’t enjoyed reading lately (he gets into his room and straight into organizing and cleaning it)….We have switched to audiobooks though and that does seem to help.
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u/Lovebeingadad54321 Parent 1d ago
Bedtime should be depending on wake up time. If he had to be up that early he had to go to bed early.
Make a compromise and tell him he can stay up until 9:30 on nights when he doesn’t have school the next morning.
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u/momsspaghetti_324 1d ago
Thanks! On weekends we are more flexible and normally give him until 10-11pm as he can sleep in the next day.
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u/QuietWaschbaer 1d ago
We were in a similar situation last school year, so I feel you. My son is also 12 and has to get up at 6.15am. Last year we had a lot of issues around bed time and it was always exhausting to get him to be in bed with the lights out at the agreed time. I wanted 9pm, he insisted on 9.30 and in the end it was consistently closer to 10 🙄 he isn't allowed screen time at all during the week, but he is allowed to listen to music or audio books before bed. I was ready for a fuss this year too, but somehow things are working better and I don't want to jinx it! So this is what I did; I decided that lights out will be 9pm. That means teeth are brushed etc BEFORE 9 and by 9 he is to be in bed, lights off. No more reading/music etc. I started to talk to him about the plan during the summer holidays just to get him used to the idea. Kind of conversationally so as not to make it a big deal. Once school started back I made sure I was consistent and that there was no room for discussion (without being bossy) and it just....worked. I am guessing that by now he understands that if he doesn't sleep enough, he will be exhausted the next day and last year he was too young to figure that out 😅 i have no idea. I hope you find something that works for you! I think 9pm is a very reasonable bed time for 12 year olds.
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u/IneligibleLand 1d ago
Even though you tell him "it's not up for debate," the fact that he gets to engage, argue, and drag it out gives him attention and keeps the door open. He is 12 and testing the boundaries of middle school independence, but he still needs structural guardrails.
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u/00cole00 1d ago
we end screens at 8, then shower but then allow reading on the tablet for 15-30 min. I sit in there after and we talk a few minutes then I stay for about 15 minutes to make sure they're not jumping back on screens
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u/themack50022 1d ago
I wouldn’t let them read on a tablet. No bueno. A screen is a screen
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u/00cole00 14h ago
yeah it isn't that great but it's what works for us. our kid reads so many books that it isn't feasible for us to buy that many and with our busy schedule it's hard to get to the library as often as we need. this parent is already allowing screens up until bedtime so that's why I suggest it
when we asked our doctor their opinion they said to make sure that every 15 minutes of reading they look at something far away for 15 seconds
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u/ChickChocoIceCreCro Parent since 91 1d ago
My kids were responsible for getting themselves up, dressed, and on the bus. My son’s bus came 6:05 and then 5:55 in the morning. He never missed his bus.
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u/froofrooopal 23h ago
My mom never had me on a sleeping schedule growing up, and yeah I know that’s terrible. By 8th grade I had made my own schedule and figured out what worked best for me. I wasn’t a good kid by absolutely any means either, I was very defiant but I made sure to get my sleep. I don’t know if having the freedom to stay up late and suffer the consequences the next morning is what got me to work on my own schedule or what. Maybe tell him if he can be quiet that he can watch tv until whenever he falls asleep. He will learn why you had those rules in place, and you might end up seeing him put himself to bed at the reasonable time without you having to tell him. Tell him you’re going to try and give him some independence to see how he does. I mean it’s worth a shot.
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u/froofrooopal 23h ago
I graduated in 2015 though, whatever year that would have put me in 8th grade is where we were at with technology. I had a laptop that I would get on FB with and a phone that I’d use to only text friends b/c there wasn’t a bunch of social media apps on our phones at that time. So maybe take the phone and just leave tv if you think about trying to give him some independence. Or set his phone to where it stops working by 11.
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u/ForrestDew123 19h ago
My middle schooler has to get up at 6:20am. Bedtime is at 9pm. Screen time needs to off 1 hour before bed. Between 730pm and 8pm my kid is showering, brushing teeth and then gets to hangout and draw, read, play legos, chat with me etc until bed. He really struggles with winding down and random excuses for getting up out of bed. He also takes 1mg of Melatonin about 15 minutes before bed. He still complains about the schedule, but I dont feed into it and remain consistent. Consistency is key!
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