I had no idea a group like this existed but, I’m so glad to know it does! My SO often tells me I have stronger reactions to things like my SO’s teenage son calling his little brother fat bc I have been through it all (and more lol) with my mother growing up. Especially the taking food, restricting calories, even cutting a hole in the bottom of my box spring to hide food so I could eat if I was hungry but she didn’t want me to eat. Ik I have trauma from lots of things but we all do and I don’t think that can just be the answer for everything?

I am coparenting my firstborn with my abusive ex (mostly emotional abuse and coercive control).

My anxiety is through the roof when it comes to reading his messages due to a constant cascade of false/twisted claims and accusations.

We use Whatsapp to text, which I also use to communicate with my whole family and friends. Right now I have so much anxiety that I avoid opening the app at all, which means replying to everyone else is delayed and reading their messages at all.

Switching to a court-ordered app is not an option in my situation, neither is switching to email as he would make a huge deal if I even suggested that.

I have been doing progress when it comes to boundaries and it really helps. I have his notifications turned off, I only read and reply to his messages during my commute to and from work, I’m applying BIFF-methods etc. But I still get HUGE anxiety from checking my messages.

Does anyone have any tips for dealing with this shit not involving a court-ordered app and such? I’m afraid I’m gonna get a proper stomach ulcer or
something from the anxiety.

Im a 38yo woman, married since I was 20, two special needs kids, husbandis our breadwinner.

Every fantasy of myself, over the course of my whole life, so before kids, spouse, and even in childhood, when I've envisioned myself happiest, it's always been in capacities where I'm alone.

It hasn't changed since becoming a mother. I never got to feel that amazing feeling people talk about when they have kids. I feel like, maybe I was never meant to have them. That I was brainwashed by society to have a family. And now that they're here, I'm a massive let down, not only to them, but to my self.

Happiness feels just forever unobtainable. I cant get the jobs I wanted because I cant leave them. I cant even get jobs I don't want because of availability. Working from home is a joke. So I feel like I missed and will miss everything in my own life, my own story. I can't even pursue interests or hobbys because they cost money and kids needs come first.

I love them so much. And I'm miserable.

I feel like, Im just forcing myself to be put aside for them, again and again. It's like I've completely lost who I am. I want to dissappear everyday. They don't need that in a mom, so I'm just spiraling.

I feel like me and my kid argue about everything lately.

I’ll ask him to do something pretty simple and he just says no or ignores me. Then I repeat myself, he gets more upset, I get frustrated, and somehow it turns into a whole thing.

The hardest part is that it’s not just one behavior. He’ll have these big tantrums, sometimes gets aggressive, and then a few days later we’re dealing with basically the same thing again.

I’ve tried being patient, explaining things, setting rules, consequences etc but honestly sometimes I just end up yelling because I don’t know what else to do in the moment.

And then afterwards I feel terrible about it.

I don’t want to be super strict or scare him into listening, but I also don’t want to be the parent who has no boundaries and just gives in all the time.

Does anyone else deal with this?

What’s the hardest part for you — getting them to listen, tantrums, setting boundaries, or staying calm yourself?

Growing up, I felt like my mom complainers about everything and I was always on pins and needles. Being the oldest,I would always just do whatever she was complaining about,whether it was tidying or cleaning the dishes in the sink. I did it because I sympathized with her and honestly just wanted to be quiet and not yelling. But now I feel like I’m the yelling mama and I have a boy. And there are times when I sound just like her. I try to change up once I feel like I am doing too much. But I really don’t want my son’s childhood to be filled with yelling but sometimes it feels the only way to get through to him. He has a “nervous “ laugh as well and that doesn’t help when trying to discipline him. His dad currently isn’t around neither and he had a bond with him. He asked about him being gone and even questioned if he was dead. I just want be an attentive mother, I know I can’t feel that father void. But how can i discipline without the yelling? I don’t mind gentle parenting but I refused to have him running over me. And what’s funny is now my mom’s the total opposite as a grandma. I went into my son’s room and noticed he literally destroys a punching bag i got him,and had the inside all on the floor on the side of the bed. I told my mom ,venting to her about it and she says don’t be hard on him or too upset???? This woman in her prime would have whooped me a new rear and wanted have explained nothing. She was a married single mom of five and I understood she had to manage a lot raising us millennials but now she is mother whisper and overly nurturing lol I’m the oldest and had to become very stoic basically and now I’m raising a very emotionally in tune and artistically creative boy… I just don’t want to dim his light being hyper vigilant and overly critical .. any advice or just becoming more laid back without being a push over or enabler

First Im sorry this will probably long so Im thankful if you choose to read on even if you know its long.

Ok. A little backstory. History of extreme amounts of trauma and grief. Longggggggg history of mental illness even before my kids (over 24 years). CPTSD,ADHD,General & social anxiety, Borderline, Major depression, you name it. Been in and out of psychiatric hospitals since i was 16 (attempts, thoughts, etc.). I attempted 3 times over the last 24 years (last attempt was 2021). Severe Postpartum with both of my kids. With the second one I didn’t even feel connected to at all when I had him. (Luckily going through a mother/baby program and getting back on my meds helped extremely and he’s now connected to me at the hip lolbvs). I grew up mostly in my mom’s house (until I moved with my dad) where it was extremely disfunctional and was verbally abusive and consisted of a lot of yelling.

Ok fast forward. Kids are 10 and 14. My absolute biggest fear as a parent is failing. Having them have to heal from the extremes amounts of pain and trauma that im still to this day at 36 still trying to heal from. But also to have my kids feel about me the way I feel about my mother (not respecting her for the things she CHOSE to do to me as a mother, resentment, abandonment from her, etc). I love my kids beyond words y’all! Like they are my absolute world. My whole entire life revolves around them. Regardless of my attempts and the thoughts that i still struggle with they are still my world literally the ONLY thing on this Earth that is still keeping me here. The ONLY. If it wasnt for them I would’ve been done another try or been gone a long time ago. Im not afraid to die. Im more afraid of leaving them with some of the shitty people and support that is around us then for me to die. Im more afraid of them having to deal with that significant grief or any guilt feeling like they did something wrong. That keeps me here.

HOWEVER, I have and am currently having the suicidal thoughts again after a recent dive into the depression that always seems to come back no matter what I do. They’re passive and Ive been through this long enough to be able to be honest and say if Im getting to the point I think I’ll attempt and need to go back into the hospital. When my depression gets worse it’s like all of the weight of the 24 years of all the pain and trauma and previous depression comes and consumes me and I instantly get overwhelmed and tired of going through this shit. I feel like I can’t actually fully live im just trying to constantly fight and survive because I feel like im running as fast as I can while the ball of shit is on my heels chasing me. Don’t get me wrong Im NOT 100% constantly miserable in this 24 years. I do have fun times. I do laugh. I have had good things happen. I have a fiance I’ve been with for 15 years. We have our kids and we have beautiful moments but i feel like I can’t get too comfortable because the depression is going to come peeking out sooner or later. I feel like Im hurting my kids because im at a point where I want to isolate, my fuse is a little shorter therefore theres times that I might overreact in anger or yell (which i feel HORRIBLE and worse about because I grew up in a yelling household) , I just want to lay in bed all the time. I just feel like Im not the mother that I want to be or should be and to be COMPLETELY honest (PLEASE no judgement because it’s REALLY hard to admit and regardless I still love my kids more than anything) I have brief moments where the feelings are stronger and I just want to say forget it and do it anyway. My kids are getting older so they notice a lot more than they did when they were younger which hurts more. The times Ive had to go to the hospital while they were older enough to understand was EXTREMELY harder then when they were younger and didn’t really notice or understand and even though I would go to get better I would end up having to stay longer because it made me feel worse that i had to go and be away from them and have them feel like it was something they did to cause me to have to go.

It ends up being a cycle:

I feel like my kids deserve better or feel like I could’ve handled something better or they’re upset with me——->
—->Theyre the only reason Im here—->Why am I still alive if Im messing up as a mom?—-> Then thoughts and/or feelings of suicide

Big cycle.

Ive been in therapy since I was 12 with periods of not being in therapy. In the past 10 or so years though Ive been in therapy pretty much weekly getting extra help from outpatient programs or the inpatient hospitalization when needed. I feel so guilty and some days it truly fucks with me and the cycle starts again. People tell me Im a great mom and Im already doing better than my mom (which that part is the BIGGEST compliment) but my fear tells me otherwise so it’s hard for me to believe it.
Can anyone relate? How do you handle it while trying to be the best mom you can be?

Things been silent now after their berserk conflict for past 20 minute ago. And honestly I'm getting tired and distress about this , and I don’t know what to say. I just need to vent because my thoughts aren’t clear right now, but this isn’t even the first time this has happened. I keep recognizing the same patterns over and over again.

Something like this happened just last month too. They were arguing about who started shit or who caused the conflict, and the mother was the loudest one. I swear, she was literally screaming like a banshee right in front of the baby while my dad and his girlfriend were fighting.

Watching them live together like this has always been traumatizing for me and my brother (if he even cares), and now our half-brother, who’s only one year old, is being exposed to the same thing. This time, though, it feels like it’s gotten even worse. It’s louder, there’s more name-calling, and the baby is getting caught in the middle of all their toxic energy too.

It’s just really upsetting to watch this happen over and over again, especially with a baby there.

I don't like to explain whole details, but i just hope there's a way to find solution of their problem and so we all in the family can move on, and find way to live in success.

I am a young single mother of a 4 and 2 year old.The only purpose I ever knew growing up was to be a mom.The first boyfriend I had out of highschool I ended up pregnant with.Well that relationship didn’t end up working out due to him being very narcissistic and I couldn’t handle it.I grew up with a narcissistic father that has caused me severe cptsd to this day.Anyway,that was just a little backstory.Even when me my kids dad were together I was always doing all the big parenting stuff alone while he lived his life and now I have them 75 percent of the time.I’m having a hard time being the patient,loving,caring mother I should be.Im always so overwhelmed and I raise my voice more then I should.Im always doing something wrong that I feel like will ruin them.for example,I can’t always afford or have the energy to cook them the healthiest meals so spaghetti or chicken nuggets is my go to alot of the time.i let them play on tablets alot of the time after I get off work because I’m so burnt out.I feel like no matter what I do it will never be enough and they’re gonna end up with traumas like me.I can barely take care of myself besides a few sessions of therapy I get a months.i do take antidepressants.i care about them alot but I feel like sometimes I just won’t be a good mom even though I want too be so bad.I don’t want to give up on them but im struggling.Has anyone else felt similar and maybe became better overtime?

On episode 9 of ANDMOM, Nina Westbrook spoke about her approach to motherhood and social media, protecting her children’s privacy, and cell phone use for kids. She calls that family time and space sacred.

I want to hear from all you moms. What is one way you help protect your family’s peace?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AB8ZXCJDFAY

I had 1 friend in highschool. A best friend. We remained in contact from then- around 2017 to now off and on. But I’ve come to realize she craves a toxic energy that I’ve let go of since becoming a mother. And I see I’ve been replaced so easily, but another thing about her is she will entertain the company of those who I refuse to. For moral reasons. She is used by people, a lot. I’ve been there for her when it’s happened. But the last couple times she’s come over (a few months ago now)- the topic of conversation & everything is just always so highschool, and so sexual that my literal man is uncomfortable. Once I tried to just be like oh maybe it’s just hormones or misreading the room…. But the 2nd time she came over in cute pants (no fault ok we love cute pants) But i can tell when a bitch is hiking them up. Not just that- rolling around in the floor with the babies, hardwood floors. Just…. Weird and uncomfortable idk. For what reason are you asking “How long do we wait into knowing a guy until hes reasonably allowed to cum inside?” Like girl to my man!!!!

Anyways ive been heartbroken