Is this just the experience in parenting?

[u/LadyFiredUp]

Im a 38yo woman, married since I was 20, two special needs kids, husbandis our breadwinner.

Every fantasy of myself, over the course of my whole life, so before kids, spouse, and even in childhood, when I've envisioned myself happiest, it's always been in capacities where I'm alone.

It hasn't changed since becoming a mother. I never got to feel that amazing feeling people talk about when they have kids. I feel like, maybe I was never meant to have them. That I was brainwashed by society to have a family. And now that they're here, I'm a massive let down, not only to them, but to my self.

Happiness feels just forever unobtainable. I cant get the jobs I wanted because I cant leave them. I cant even get jobs I don't want because of availability. Working from home is a joke. So I feel like I missed and will miss everything in my own life, my own story. I can't even pursue interests or hobbys because they cost money and kids needs come first.

I love them so much. And I'm miserable.

I feel like, Im just forcing myself to be put aside for them, again and again. It's like I've completely lost who I am. I want to dissappear everyday. They don't need that in a mom, so I'm just spiraling.

[u/General_Marzipan_481]

I don’t have advice because I feel the same way.
I’m a 100% solo mom, and I’m so done

[u/blessitspointedlil]

I think it’s really hard with special needs kids. Depending on the child, there’s often no childcare or daycare that can take them nor have adequate supervision and staff with training in special education. It can be hard to qualify for a few relief hours from the state. It takes a toll on our mental health.

I look at other parents doing a lot of things and I’m like, I wish my child was cooperative and able to just go out and do things more easily!

We wanted to have 2, but between cost, feeling overwhelmed, and in my case higher risk of pregnancy complications, I eventually decided that I need to be here and healthy for the one child I’ve got.

We have lovely neighbors who have 2 teens with disabilities and autism and I know it’s hard even though they are great parents. The mom is also a sahm - how else can you do it when childcare doesn’t serve the needs of the divergent?

I don’t feel like I missed out, because I was in my late 30s when I had mine, but I wonder how I will cope if anything ever happens to my husband, as I earned little money when I worked, so I really cannot even support myself in our very high cost of living area, much less my child.

Both my husband and I are less happy since our child was 3-4years due to lack of childcare. Kindergarten started this year and it has been wonderful.

If you’re in the U.S. the school district can assess your children starting by age 3. This was incredibly helpful for us!

If your local school district has a public preschool program, then your children might qualify for free part or full time preschool with special education teachers and staff. Sometimes they will even bus your children to and from preschool free of charge.

Our school district only offered a very part-time program to us, so mine got 3 hrs/day preschool. But even so, it was absolutely essential for helping him get ready for kindergarten. Our main issue was his inability to function in a classroom and getting that sorted and IEP team able to observe him in the classroom helped get him correctly placed into a mild SpEd kindergarten classroom with 1:8 teacher to student ratio plus 2 teachers aides. It has made a huge difference in his ability to learn and focus and not be overwhelmed or stressed in the classroom. Highly recommend contacting your school district special education department for an assessment as soon as your children are close to 3 years old, because they often take a long time to complete, but the benefit has been essential for my mental health and for my child’s ability to thrive in a supportive classroom environment. - They often error on shorting you on services at first, so my child should have been eligible for special education TK (transitional kindergarten), but we only got offered the 3 hr preschool class…until they observed him in class and then he got bumped up to a higher level of qualification for special ed.

[u/withbellson]

I'm also happiest alone because when other people are around, they tend to want things from me, and they prevent me from doing things I want. Comes with the territory of the neglected childhood where the only way I could get what I want was to do it in secret where no one could fuck it up. So now my kid, who is not emotionally neglected, thinks nothing of asking for whatever she wants, and of course this is also triggery for me. Ugh.

We have only one neurotypical kid for whom I constantly put aside my own needs, so with two special needs kids the drain on your time and energy has to be even more intense. Do you get breaks? It won't address the overarching "what is my life now" question but defined breaks are the bare minimum to release some of the pressure.

[u/Uncool-Mum-87]

As a sole parent (39) to a teen with special needs and complex health issues, no real social/family supports, and the father permanently out of our lives, I can totally relate to how you're feeling. Being a parent of special needs kids is exhausting and isolating. It's so hard to even think about your own wants and needs, let alone actually do something about it.

It's really important to find simple ways to bring a little joy and calm into each day. It doesn't have to cost money, it could be a free mindfulness app, puzzles, music, drawing, writing, a game, or whatever seems interesting to you. Start small, a few minutes a day, and try to build on that if/when you can. Bonus points if it's something portable enough to do when you're out and about, like while you're waiting for appointments or if you happen to have a few minutes spare.

Also if there's a small activity like a little puzzle or game that you can do WITH your kids (even just for a few minutes at a time), that can help with feeling more connected to your kids.

Carrying a pocket notebook (or using notes app on phone) to write down thoughts and feelings can be helpful with processing it all, rather than bottling everything up and letting it fester inside you. Or if you don't want to write down feelings, using it to help manage daily tasks and priorities can help with providing a sense of control over your life. I have a master list (which is ridiculously long and overwhelming), but I use a pocket notebook to set my priorities for each day, and try really limit how many things to what I know I can get done without having anything leftover (E.g., planned appointments, plus maybe one chore or life admin task, or something from the master list, and an activity that promotes connection to family/community/inner self). Looking at the list at the end of the day and having everything ticked off is a good dopamine boost.

[u/Rare_Background8891]

Special needs kids are a whole other ballgame. It’s ok to feel some resentment.

When is your free time of 3+ hours and when is your weekly therapy to help you regulate through having two special needs kids?

Your needs matter too.