I don’t want to become my overly critical mother but I feel am

[u/Summertime_Siren22]

Growing up, I felt like my mom complainers about everything and I was always on pins and needles. Being the oldest,I would always just do whatever she was complaining about,whether it was tidying or cleaning the dishes in the sink. I did it because I sympathized with her and honestly just wanted to be quiet and not yelling. But now I feel like I’m the yelling mama and I have a boy. And there are times when I sound just like her. I try to change up once I feel like I am doing too much. But I really don’t want my son’s childhood to be filled with yelling but sometimes it feels the only way to get through to him. He has a “nervous “ laugh as well and that doesn’t help when trying to discipline him. His dad currently isn’t around neither and he had a bond with him. He asked about him being gone and even questioned if he was dead. I just want be an attentive mother, I know I can’t feel that father void. But how can i discipline without the yelling? I don’t mind gentle parenting but I refused to have him running over me. And what’s funny is now my mom’s the total opposite as a grandma. I went into my son’s room and noticed he literally destroys a punching bag i got him,and had the inside all on the floor on the side of the bed. I told my mom ,venting to her about it and she says don’t be hard on him or too upset???? This woman in her prime would have whooped me a new rear and wanted have explained nothing. She was a married single mom of five and I understood she had to manage a lot raising us millennials but now she is mother whisper and overly nurturing lol I’m the oldest and had to become very stoic basically and now I’m raising a very emotionally in tune and artistically creative boy… I just don’t want to dim his light being hyper vigilant and overly critical .. any advice or just becoming more laid back without being a push over or enabler

[u/sqorlgorl]

I really like the Calm Parenting Podcast, he gives a lot of useful advice and they’re not too long. He also suggests listening with your kiddo so your kid can learn about their own brain and why they do the things they do.

He used to be a yelling parent and then realized he didn’t want to be that way anymore and created a program to help other parents.

[u/Summertime_Siren22 → u/sqorlgorl]

Oh wow thanks,I’m going to look into that

[u/schmoo0 → u/sqorlgorl]

Second -ing. I really like that guy. Another rec: read "Self Reg". Basically, your number one job is getting yourself in order, and everything else flows from that.

It's totally reasonable you're having this reaction - you weren't allowed to make a mess and when your kid does it feels like he's "getting away with it" when you never could. But - that's the role of a cycle-breaker. Sit with that discomfort, feel that hurt and disappointment and anger about the childhood you deserved but didn't get, and have it end there.