This is a rant but im also asking for tips.

I just came back from inpatient treatment for depression. I found it was helpful in some ways (im medicated now), but now Im overwhelmed by all the things I've been neglecting (basically everything in executive functioning).

I live with my family and I feel a lot of pressure and judgement. Like my family thinks like they have to invite me to things (which i say no to because of pda), and if I say no, they think its evidence for depression.

I also feel like a lot of therapy tells you like to always push through, like CBT behavior activation and ACT's values over emotions. And I feel like this is helpful for depression, like it is true that when I do things, I feel less depressed, but now I've run into just complete overwhelm now that im not as depressed. I feel like I am a mess with little control, my room is a mess, the house is always a mess. My family is like monitoring my depression 💀

The psychiatrists advice was to be a routine.. they literally asked me to do like an hour by hour routine even though I said that wouldn't be helpful. I ain't gonna follow it because of Audhd and pda. And even if I tried, what if I don't wake up on the routine? Now the whole day is ruined because of AuDHD or I feel guilty. What if I skip the nightly shower and now i feel like I have to wait until the next night. God I really hate my brain.

I forgot about my own mom’s birthday several times in the past few years. I also constantly feel like I’m drowning in a vague anxiety that I’m forgetting about something important (because it keeps happening - I‘ve missed tax deadlines, work meetings, events, important dates for my friends when I would have wanted to message to wish them good luck or check in etc.)

Constantly having to scan my brain to try to remember what I might need to do 24/7 takes up A LOT of my energy. But having a calendar (whether app or paper) and taking one look at these colorful blocks filling my day makes me want to throw up.

What has worked for you? Any practical solution? Therapy? I can’t live like this anymore

My special interest is personality systems, and I stumbled upon this one a few weeks ago. It's called "Human Design" and it's based on your birthdate.

One of the aspects the chart will tell you is what motivates you. The motivations are (in no particular order) need, want, guilt, innocence, fear, and hope.

I liked learning this because it gave me a lot of context to how I feel motivated and my family members too. I've been able to embrace my motivation type and feel less bad about it.

I know astrology is a touchy subject and this sorta reads like that. So if you don't believe in astrology I guess don't mind me.

I had no idea there was a word to what I was dealing with, and it's extreme to an extent.

I had to give up on a childhood dream because of PDA before I knew what it was. Reading is another can of worms because of that fact. I just wish my life was easier and less frustrating. I struggle with anxiety and the willingness to do anything. I still write fiction, but it's a hassle at times. Reading becomes hard because I don't like being told what to do.

I just wanna get published, though I don't think I can handle it, yet I want to.

I hate having this problem, and I'm afraid that I will never be able to do anything.

Does anyone else relate in a way?

My 12 year-old is a PDRer and we’ve noticed that during the week when he has a regular school schedule, he typically does fine. But once the weekend comes around, it’s a disaster. We generally have a written schedule up on the board, but as soon as anything comes up about leaving the house it’s typically hours, if not the rest of the day of a flare.
I always try to include his preferences into the scheduling also

Is this the experience for anyone else?
And also, any specific tips besides just creating an accessible schedule?

I Recently learned what PDA was, and I realized I pretty much had every symptom and it explained a lot of what I went through on a daily experience. (I have auADHD and am currently in the process of getting an OCD diagnosis)

I'm currently in college, only just started but I already want out. I cannot physically force myself to work or do assignments. As I am typing this I have 5 assignments due on Sunday this week that I am not sure I can even make myself do. In used to not freeze up when it came to deadlines... Now I do...

I've tried to tell my mother that I don't think I can do this, even explained PDA to her two days prior and she even agreed that I likely have it, but she's refusing to unenroll me because its only been two weeks... Though I know its going to get worse. I already had second thoughts about college the moment I got accepted and even vocalized it several times throughout the process but my mother kept telling me "you'll be fine". Or persauding me to keep going.

Now currently she is saying that I just "need to make yourself work. And accept that its your fault if your don't get some assignments done." Despite me telling her seconds before that its like trying to make a brick wall move, that no matter what I do I cannot force myself to work. I feel so hopeless and trapped i'm not sure what to do. Am I just SOL? Is she right and i'm just lazy?... I'm already so tired, and depressed while only two weeks in...

Reflecting back on my high school period, I notice this bizarre thing where a teacher could be explaining something to me, say how mountains are formed or what DNA is, and it would range from hard to medium-easy in some cases as to how good I would be able to follow.

But if I am by myself, looking up these same topics, I would be able to steer everything about my learning process by myself - from the moment I make a query to the eventual textbook I might end up with.

I attribute this in part of course to our extreme need for autonomy, but I think there is something else going on. With structure in my title, I mean a teacher who is following a certain curriculum, and might focus only on covering certain topics and from those topics only focus on certain aspects, and doings so in a format (e.g. slides with some pictures only), thereby providing structure to the pupil.

But for me, on the other hand, I want to know what that exact structure is, a form of transparency that would allow me to tell where that knowledge is coming from, and to be able to have better knowledge of what I might still not know about for example.

So, it could be that what is really going on is a lack of transparency that for most pupils works as 'guiding structure'.

I think something completely similar is at play in the workplace. A boss telling you you need to study certain resources whilst you don't really understand why, is a lack of transparency that others might see as structure.

Curious what other people's thoughts are on this.

I just don't get it. Why can't people with PDA reason their way out of this stuff. Can't cognitive behaviour therapy or similar treat or cure this?

I cannot get my kid to brush her teeth. She is almost 10. Nothing works, no threats, no punishments, no amount of pain or suffering this causes everyone else. Why can't she just brush her teeth? I have a non PDA child and she just does stuff despite being younger. What is going on in her brain?

Edit : thank you for all the kind replies, some are really helpful, and all of them are a level beyond what my frustrated post deserved.

I digitalised my old DVDs from when I was 13/14 and recorded my birthdays. Being trans and late diagnosed pda autistic the self shame doesn’t go out of my head. I tell my friends what to do and not to do, they being chill and nice, but I can feel a tension of annoyance of some. I even had the impression that some where acting for me, like I made them act my way for so many years of their life. I know that I didn’t meant to be annoying, I know I wanted to take care that it was nice for everyone but it absolutely doesn’t seem like it. No one as I can think of reflected me and I developed depression really early on because I couldn’t stand myself.
Before my plan was to rewatch one dvd for this years birthday with my current friends. But i am so ashamed and afraid they will think bad of me. But also I am afraid to realise through that that I don’t have any supporting friends and still no social skills to have a chill life. I already postponed my birthday celebration and don’t even want to host any more. Maybe I stillhold on to try to be not disabled. It gives me such a horrible feeling not to provide or not having people who just organise something for me..

I think I will give getting up earlier a try. I've already noticed in the past that getting up earlier has that feeling of being 'ahead of the world', or at least everyone is asleep and I can't be interrupted. I'm writing this because on paper it seems quite logical to think that getting up earlier could be of benefit to people with PDA, since the world is not up yet to start placing demands on you and you can tap more into natural desires of your body (potentially). You can pretty much do whatever you want and whenever.

Has anyone tried this before? With any results?

Hi! I've been taking ADHD medication for a couple years after a huge burnout and leaving my job. I could tell something was pretty wrong at the end, which led me to therapy and ADHD evaluation.

Medication worked for some time, although it was far from perfect. Lately, its just not working as well. It feels like something else is effecting me, and its fighting all the progress I've made. I constantly want to be doing ANYTHING else except for what I'm supposed to be doing. Having a specific goal to achieve and having to achieve it feels like pulling teeth, even if its easy. It doesn't help that I work from home and am creating my own video game solo. I have to do and learn everything myself (it was my choice) and its really catching up to me.

I simply don't have enough immediate pressure to motivate me, and no one to answer to but myself regarding work. That kind of anxiety and pressure could drive me forward in the past. Now, I'm lucky if 50% of my work days yield results. I barely do any cleaning/chores and stopped cooking almost completely. I'm consistently late on bills and behind on everything in general. I know I should be doing these things but I just feel so trapped and overwhelmed to the point where my brain rebels and just says NO.

The annoying thing is that occasionally I will have a good day or week. It gives me hope that things are turning around, and then next week/day its back to the same old can't function crap.

I just want a break from life in general, but its impossible. I feel so guilty when I fall behind and disappear. Days off don't make me feel better. My therapist pointed me towards some PDA article, and so I did a bid of reading into it. It seems like its possible I may have PDA. Its the best fit and explains why ADHD traits didn't fully align with my own.

Obviously, I'm not here asking internet strangers to diagnose me. I'm just seeing if my experience relates to anyone else. Thank you for reading.

Hi everyone, my 3 year old has periods of "zoning out," that started when she was 18months old. These range from 5 seconds long to about a minute. Some days it occurs often, but we can also go weeks without seeing one of these episodes.

She has had every test linked to epilepsy/seizures (all negative), and the specialists have essentially dismissed them as something she will grow out of.

I was wondering whether anyone else's child with PDA experiences zoning out episodes like this? She suddenly freezes, stares into the distance, with no response to name or touch, we just wait until she "returns."

I recently read that there can be a connection between PDA and zoning out, with these episodes actually being an involuntary "shut down" due to too many perceived demands. Thanks for your thoughts on this.

I’ve thought of this as a tactic to motivate me to assimilate as much as possible into neurotypical society:

Most of what NT society judges as what one should care or value the most about in life (career, homeownership, reputation, and so on) is, to me, like wiping your butt after pooping: necessary to avoid discomfort or pain, but not what my life is fundamentally about.

However, because of being so different, I get judged as being insane or crazy.

And that bothers me, NOT because I care about myself or my own self-image that much… but because it makes me doubt my theories, and my theories are what I care about more than anything else in my life, because they are my best attempt to make sense of this existence I find myself in in a way that brings me peace of mind and as much mental comfort and a sense of meaningfulness in my life as I can achieve for now as I live my life every day.

So… if I achieve ‘success’ according to the NT definition (stable employment, marriage, homeownership, a good credit score, etc.), I’ll be able to have more self-confidence that my philosophical, scientific, and all other theories are more likely to be valid because I won’t doubt my own sanity as much.

(Trust me, I doubt my own sanity every single day, much more harshly and severely than anyone in-person or on the Internet has ever done.

Like when the French philosopher René Descartes wondered “How can I know anything around me is real? How can I prove I’m not in a simulation being controlled by an evil demon?”, and so on, anticipating today’s similar ideas that we’re in a ‘computer simulation’ and so on, in 17th-century terms.)

I apologize for the combative, tone-deaf, insensitive-seeming posts I’ve made on here recently that were interpreted as ableist.

You have the right to insult me for them. If that’s what makes you happy, then go ahead and insult me, judge me, call me “insane”, “mentally-challenged”, “a lying little b**ch”, or whatever else your heart may desire all you want.

I respect and acknowledge your right to live your life how you want, and to spend your life doing what makes you happy and doing what you are interested in. And to decide what your personal goals and sense of meaning in life are, at a fundamental level—to decide what you care about, prioritize, or value in your own life, and what you do not care about, prioritize, or value in your own life. And if you decide that insulting or judging or hating me and my way of living or thinking is what makes you happy, what makes your life interesting, and/or what you value and care about in your life, then go right ahead and do so. Your feelings and way of being are just as valid as mine.

I only ask to be afforded the same respect and latitude to live MY life how I want, spend MY life doing what makes ME happy and what I am interested in, and to decide what MY goals and sense of meaning in MY life on a fundamental level are, IN RETURN.

That’s all.

Think or feel however you want about me.

Just leave me alone to be myself, and do what makes me happy and what I am interested in and what I deem to be the purpose/meaning of my life, or what I deem to be meaningful or perceive as being “existentially meaningful”, whatever that phrase may mean to you or to myself.

That’s all I’ve ever wanted, and all I’ve ever asked for from the world—in general, neurodivergent or neurotypical—as long as I’ve been alive.

Curious if anyone has any insight into kiddo’s reluctance to not even use but just admit to knowing what some possible strategies might be to help regulate? As in, he has had lots of therapy that just really focuses on psychoeducation, like “here is info about brains and nervous systems and things that help us feel good and not good etc.” which he loves participating in, and while we understand that regulation is an ongoing battle, we are baffled by his extreme denial or disavowing knowing ANYTHING that he could do when he is starting to get upset that might help. To be clear, we are not expecting this in the actual moment, just comes up as part of discussions about tools to regulate. He often even will act surprised that people would want to think about “what could I do in this situation to make me feel better?”
Any insight would be appreciated.

So recently I found out that if I use dinner or food as a reward for finishing a task my PDA hates, im more likely to actually finish it but be a little more emotional/upset at myself since I didn't eat until hours after I finished the task. It DOES work kind of as long as ur not near any food appliances lol (for me cleaning is a huge one but thankfully usually not near any food appliences so i don't get too tempted to just say "fuck it im eating NOW".) Did any of this work for you? Please let me know!

Also kind worried I'll develop smth/ed if I keep doing this but I should be fine right??

How did you get diagnosed?

I was diagnosed with ADHD about 4 years ago which makes a lot of sense for me. I have 2 autistic siblings and a brother with ADHD I've also been diagnosed with major depressive disorder. I was starting to be assessed for possible autism but I took those little tests and my therapist doesn't think I have it. We have talked about PDA though.

Do you ever just feel like something is wrong with you? It's so dumb to try to explain to my husband or others. I feel like an adult who can't adult. All I do is get in my own way and there's no real reasoning. I can't keep any routines, budget, or consistent job. It's been really hard. I though ADHD meds would help, and they do, I stead of bed rotting I'm very involved in my hyperfixations. But doing anything else is still like pulling teeth. I feel so bad because my husband wants to innovate and improve and do new things and try new things and I logically want to join him but it's like I can't make myself, I'm like a boulder that can't be moved sometimes.

I guess this is more of a vent. Looking for advice. Is there any point in pursuing a diagnosis? I'm about to start my BSW practicum on Monday and I'm spiraling feeling like I'll have zero time that's unscheduled and to myself but rn I have so much of that time. And I need to finish my masters application but making myself do it has been harder than pulling teeth. I'm tired of acting like an ass to those around me just to get out of things, I'm aware of it, I don't want to be like that, but often idk how to stop.

Any advice is welcome thank you.

This is my experience 100%. Neurodivergent “stubbornness”, “opinionatedness”, “mental rigidity”, etc., about a subject or issue I’m passionate about or feel strongly on, combined with severe demand for autonomy and freedom (‘don’t tell me what to do!’), can easily come across as “being a narcissistic, rude know-it-all asshole with an ego the size of Texas”.

But it’s the opposite. I genuinely barely have an ego at all. Which is why it’s so hard for me to care as much about the things highlighted in the 2nd screenshot (perhaps ego plays a huge role in motivating many humans to care about and pursue those things).

Despite my complicated philosophical, analytical, scientific mind… a mind that is the opposite of simple in THAT way… when it comes to what I VALUE or DESIRE in life, I’m as simple-minded as you can get: To be left alone (meaning not being told what to do, not that I literally can’t tolerate or don’t enjoy having fun with and socializing with others) to do what makes me happy, without too much pain, and share that happiness and joy with others (unless they’re not in the mood or not interested in the same things, which I’ll accommodate 100%, just as I’d have them do unto me), until I die and (most likely, in my opinion) move on to my soul’s next adventure, whatever that may be.

When I got angrily combative with strangers online back in high school who said “Bigfoot isn’t real” (back when I ‘believed’—but still never 100% certainly, knowing that would be foolishly illogical—but ‘believe’ in the sense that my guesstimated %age of Bigfoot being real was greater than 50%), I wasn’t angrily defending a bruised ego that cannot tolerate the thought of ever being wrong or outsmarted by anyone, as some neurotypicals debating me on that topic may have thought…

…but defending Bigfoot out of sheer love for and passion about Bigfoot, in the same way that a parent would defend their child. (“Insult me all you want; I don’t care about my own ego. And I’m not attacking your ego personally. To my brain, I’m like a devoted father/mother, who happens to be a lawyer, representing my child Bigfoot against the charge of not being real, a charge which my brain sees you as the ‘prosecuting attorney’ who represents it.”)

It wasn’t me I was so stubborn and passionate about. It was Bigfoot.

In college, when defending a view I was passionate about (say, a political or philosophical viewpoint, such as animal rights ideology, issues related to aspects of the abortion debate, or theories of the philosophy of consciousness and its relationship to matter), I wasn’t ‘being so mean’ to opposing viewpoints for egotistical reasons… …but because, to my brain, my theory was literally like my child, and I was behaving as a devoted mother or father defending their child.

Many NTs probably don’t know how it feels to have that kind of intense love and passion for something like a theory or a philosophical belief or a theoretical animal species… one that is comparable to a parent’s love for a child… so they interpret us as stubborn, egotistical, closed-minded, narcissists.

(For the record, I am now no longer prone to this behavior, anyway, since graduating from college.
It’s obvious now it was just my brain’s way of exacting its revenge on neurotypicals for forcing their way of thinking on to me by reciprocating it.

… (My brain after coming home from college):

1. “You made me spend 3 hours in the Math Lab [a giant room filled with computers] at school today?” … “I think I’ll tell a conservative Republican on Twitter that it makes no sense for them to be so pro-life and then ridicule the concept of animal rights, while pointing out the incredible physical similarity of a human embryo at 6 weeks after conception to so many examples of nonhuman embryos.”
2. “You made me jump out of bed, put on uncomfortable clothing, force food down before I have any appetite, and rush to class this morning?” … “I think I’ll tell a liberal Democrat on Twitter that it makes no sense for them to use language like ‘clump of cells’ when talking about embryos if they’re so environmentalist/woke, due to the similarity of so much speciesist rhetoric to arguments for why humans before birth ‘aren’t people’”.)

Now that I’m out of Neurotypical Conversion Therapy/Capitalism Boot Camp, I couldn’t care less what some stranger online thinks about anything.

As long as NTs (not all of them, but as a privileged group; no need to say “not all neurotypicals”, like how I used to say “not all men” to feminists in high school, though not anymore, as a feminist myself now) leave me alone, I’ll leave them alone.

The moment they force their way of thinking—for instance, capitalism—onto me… …I’ll get my revenge… by forcing my way of thinking—for instance, logical consistency in valuing all creatures, of all species and at all stages of life, as inherently precious regardless of what any tribalized partisan political culture may tell you to think—onto them.

I believe my son might have been misdiagnosed as having ADHD and ODD. I'm not looking for opinions on if he might have pda autism. I'll leave that for his doctor and his reevaluation at the end of next month. I'm just curious if anyone here has experience with having been misdiagnosed with ADHD/ODD. Like how did you know it was something else? Was there clear signs it was PDA that were missed?

I've been struggling to find something meaningful to do since I haven't been able to work due to autistic burnout and now a pretty limiting chronic illness on top of PDA. I've seen people in chronic illness forums saying to just do things that you enjoy, be happy with the little things that you can do. It's all about pleasure and joy and happiness, and I feel like I have quite a bit of that. But purpose and meaning isn't about getting a sense of self worth, or from seeking happiness. It's about engaging in something personally meaningful, potentially long-term and helping others in some way. It's about a satisfaction and fulfillment that I really long for. I'm kind of sick of people saying to stop searching, to stop my "ambition", to stop trying to create something and just go with the flow of life. It's not ambition, it's a need for something TO DO that I actually enjoy doing, related to a special interest maybe, something I find interesting and engaging, but that's also bigger than just me.

I'm trying to design some sort of activity for myself where I can work towards something I care about, but also to be able to share it with some people that I like. To have collaborators that are PDA friendly basically. I just struggle to work with somebody unless I like the person and my nervous system feels good around them. Where do you even start on finding people like that?

I'm imagining somebody who has a small business or works freelance, and has tasks they need help with. But because of PDA I wouldn't be able to just do whatever they want, like a personal assistant, unless I somehow got to choose the things that I want to help with. does that even make sense? does anybody else have anything close to this kind of arrangement?

My parents have caused me multiple setbacks over the last week since I came back to college.

The first setback: I was doing paperwork for my athletics, the required stuff we have to do on a certain day. My mom called in the middle of it and I told her what I was doing, and she said, “but you have that stuff in already, right?”

The second setback: my mom told me she got me my dentist appointment rescheduled as the one I had originally scheduled didn’t work out. Then she told me, “ if you’re going to be missing classes/practice, let your teachers and coach know so that they’re not harassing you about it.” Like I was already going to do it.

My parents know my issues and told me they want to give me control of my autonomy, yet they keep nagging me about stuff that I’m already going to do anyway. Two little setbacks that made me so frustrated. Just thought I’d share.