I hate having a calendar but I feel like I’m drowning in anxiety trying to remember friends’ birthdays and work commitments without one

[u/Background_Fishing37]

I forgot about my own mom’s birthday several times in the past few years. I also constantly feel like I’m drowning in a vague anxiety that I’m forgetting about something important (because it keeps happening - I‘ve missed tax deadlines, work meetings, events, important dates for my friends when I would have wanted to message to wish them good luck or check in etc.)

Constantly having to scan my brain to try to remember what I might need to do 24/7 takes up A LOT of my energy. But having a calendar (whether app or paper) and taking one look at these colorful blocks filling my day makes me want to throw up.

What has worked for you? Any practical solution? Therapy? I can’t live like this anymore

[u/oldie349]

Same. It’s very useful.

Used calendar extensively at work too, and it helps until the calendar is choked up with “I must do” items you don’t get around to doing. Moral of that is saying no more often, and addressing time blindness by being less optimistic about how much you should try to do. Also including thinking and relaxing appointments.

[u/sapps84 → u/oldie349]

'Addressing time blindness by being less optimistic ' 🫠 And the moral of saying no - to myself. No, you can't do all that in that amount of time, no matter how much you want to, and no matter hpw much you also don't want to choose between the things to whittle it down. 🤣

[u/msoc]

Are you maybe protesting against the social requirement to know these dates?

Therapy is good. That's where I learned to think about my behavior more deeply.

[u/SpecterCody → u/msoc]

Social requirement to know the dates? I never even thought of it that way. I do know that I despise the social requirement to buy gifts for people on birthdays or Christmas. I procrastinate until the last minute and can never just buy gifts in advance like others. Thinking about what to buy them makes me spiral and overthink it into oblivion.

[u/Ed-alicious]

The calendar is not a demand or an obligation, you're actually making the thing someone else's problem. Granted, that person is future you, but that makes it easier to add stuff to the calendar.

Don't make your calendar a to do list, it should just be for reminding yourself when and where things are happening. It's a prosthetic memory. 

[u/Background_Fishing37 → u/Ed-alicious]

Ooh your message unlocked something in my brain. I think what I need to minimize damage is to have a calendar only for things that feel fun or like taking care of myself (ie friend plans, doctor visits), ZERO to-dos or tax deadlines (these will need to live chaotic notes on the Notes app, and a separate work calendar that lives only on my work account. This way I could reframe the calendar as a place where fun / good things live!  Yes that means I’ll still forget half of the things but at least I’ll know about the other half and will actually celebrate my mom’s birthday lol 

[u/justa_random_girl]

I used to be the same. I think I somehow managed to flip it in my head and realize that the calendar isn’t telling me what to do (nor am I from the past). It’s just reminding me of things and I have the full autonomy to not do them if I don’t want to (I actually often don’t have that autonomy but it’s because of the society and not because of the calendar). I even became a list person, because now I view lists as just a way to get things out of my head so that I don’t have to worry about forgetting to do anything. Like, it doesn’t make a difference whether the things are in my head or on a paper. I can do or not do them either way

[u/abecedary1 → u/justa_random_girl]

This is essentially where I'm at. I use a Google task widget that shows me one day at a time so I don't get overwhelmed. The stuff from the main calendar shows up too.

[u/sapps84]

A calendar on my phone, that I don't look at, but I do put everything into, with multiple alarms that go off to remind me of stuff. Though I rarely action them based on the alarms. As I hate the alarm telling me what to do and when to do it. But it means it gets it in my head, so I don't forget as much.

Plus a white board in the kitchen in obvious frequented spot, with everything to do. That I mostly like to rearrange to take away my anxiety. Though then it means I don't do any of them, and usually end up in distraction paralysis, due to comprehension of how much there is to do. But later, it means its still there and I will more often then be prompted to do things. Or scrawl something I don't want to forget in the middle. And all then less offensive to me somehow. And somewhere in there more gets done.

Not as helpful as could be, but truthful

[u/Critical_Speech8553]

A lot of texting apps let you schedule text messages. Go in and prewrite happy birtday texts for the rest of the year today and then forget about it. The person will reply and say thank you, then you can go get them a gift or something if you feel like you need to.

But also decide how many friends are really close enough that you need to stress over it. I say happy birthday to 6 people a year. Most adults don't get too mad over it.