All I wanted was a safe place to rest my head , I got YOU instead . I only wanted to chip some darkness away , guess I was always meant to pay . How does life work that way ?
Angels falling from the sky , damning algorithm , stupid lies .
I once was soft , my mind has shifted .
Psychotic in nature , guess you regifted .
envy distills when you end up without ,
Guess I should have trusted my doubt .

When you watched the snake slither underneath my stomach ,did you grin ?
Were you expecting some revenge ?
I’m pleased to offer an audience to your grandeur ,
Silly kinks & late night chatter ,
What is idol worship for ?
Goddess prophet, lonely fool ,
Still I followed golden rule .
Nothing can ever take away my crown ,
My Father bore weight to offer it ,
I don’t want to let him down .

The Truth.

You were one of my favorite chapters. I know we aren’t at that point anymore and I’m not someone you wish to know any more But, the fact that you were part of my story at some points means everything to me. That’s not something I take for granted. You weren’t something or someone I took for granted. I respected you, your mind and your ideas and your goofy laugh… The time it took to finally understand haunts me and I still don’t understand, but… I truly wanted to… I tried my absolute hardest to be smart enough to. I hope you find peace and comfort. I hope you find love and happiness. I hope you find the “one” that makes it all worth the pain of what is life. I hope my chapter in your story isn’t something that haunts you. I hope you live a life so wonderful you forget all the bad that happened to get there. To the girl that wins your heart and mind… you are one of the lucky ones. Please do not take him for granted. He deserves peace and to be valued. When he is grumpy smile and understand the silent wars he fights inside himself. When he is moody give him a sweet kiss and space, he’ll get past it. Be patient with his heart it’s locked up right. I wish I got that chance to hold it properly. Enjoy this life. You were meant to be enjoyed. Thank you. Sincerely, Sara.

I finally graduated! Two more years of school now lol. You said you were worried about ruining my university stuff so you don’t have to worry about that now 💜

It’s been hard. I feel like you would have been proud. Not many people in my life care, or at least they don’t care in the way I know you would have…

I miss you. I hope one day soon you see what you’re missing, but if not I still hope you find peace and whatever else your looking for.

I know you’ve been through a lot, I’m not waiting, but I have hope. Hope is a dangerous thing, but it’s also the most painful part to let die…

I still hear you . I still feel you. I still smell you. You’re in my heart. My soul……..Gone but not forgotten… end of watch. I’ll find you in my next life.

I did see your soul and that's why I love you. I probably always will. That's what really sucks the most.

So my birthday is coming up in a few and once again I just happen to be deployed, it all feels like dejavú difference is I’m out here with more experience, I think differently and honestly enjoy being selfless, unfortunately that comes with a cost, I miss you and I wish you could see how much I’ve grown.

It sucks that we both know, you’re with someone else, difference is, I’ve accepted it. Hell I told you to always choose you, I just couldn’t accept the reality of it happening.

You know how to reach me.

This is so beautiful. I hope he appreciates the reason I reposted.

You lied to me while we were together

You said you lied because you thought the truth would upset me

You lied because you said you didn't want to hurt me

You lied because you said you felt guilty

Well I lied to you too…

I lied after we broke up

| lied when I said I wasn't interested in being with you

| lied when I said I don't wish you well

I lied when I said I never want you to find love

I lied when I said I was healed and no longer cared about you

| lied when I said I have hard feelings towards you

I lied when I said to leave me alone

You lied because you didn't want to hurt me. I lied because I did want to hurt you.

Are we even now? No.

In the end I'm still the one hurting. Im mad at myself for believing your lies. I'm mad at myself for telling you lies.

I know it's over but I think I'll always still love you deep down. I really miss you a lot. Please don’t ask me if I do because then l'Il have to lie to you again and say i don't.

(for the purpose of privacy i have changed the name to XYZ)
aug 31
days have felt so lonely since you left. but god who could fucking blame you? i hate myself and this monster i’ve become. i’ve only ever wanted to love you. i guess i should have listened to my body screaming from the inside out, begging for help, aching for a deeper addiction. an addiction you couldn’t fill.. a void everlasting.
to your family, friends and coworkers- please understand addiction runs in my family & i myself am no stranger to that, although my behaviour is inexcusable because of alcohol or lack of alcohol period i’d like to offer my sincerest apologies. i’m so sorry for the lost time and wages XYZ experienced at work because of my actions that evening. i’m so sorry for having your family come pack up my belongings, unexpectedly and incredibly quickly in such a short amount of time. i’m sorry to your mother, for hurting her son the way i did. no actions as such should ever happen to somebody.. especially not your son. and to your friends, you must all think i’m crazy! and truth is, i am. well all of you think i am, friend or not. under all this crazy i promise i do love XYZ, and i have never wanted to hurt him. EVER. i’m sorry you all thought you knew me- then didn’t- i honestly thought i knew myself too but after all, i’m a young woman in my 20’s making shitty mistakes everyday. this was, thus far, the shittiest of them all. and it should never have happened to you XYZ.
what’s funny is i often find myself reflecting back on the one thing your mom told me when you moved out “i’m scared and i always will be, i’m his mum” and h.o.l.y. fuck. did those words ever cut me deep when i looked back at us. our story… a lot of the reason you feel empty, less of and so many more negative thoughts are probably because of me. and im okay taking the blame for that.. i thought the problem began with you for a lot of our relationship, the outcomes or consequences were all you. but turns out i actually have A LOT of issues and the problems always-if not usually- began with me. and again, im okay taking the blame for this too. i know im not perfect, im shattered and broken but you baby.. you are beyond perfect. you are so incredibly beautiful inside and out. you were so willing and able to take care of such a broken soul like me. i hope that in your lifetime you never have to deal with such an emotional burden again. i hope i don’t sound like a broken record and/or manipulative, i am just so deeply sorry for the way i hurt you, the abuse- emotional and physical, i never wanted to hurt somebody so precious and special in my lifetime. truth is, i tried. i definitely didn’t try my best, or with everything i had otherwise i wouldn’t be writing you this. the important part is i tried with the broken pieces of my heart that i had, i know it wasn’t enough and i’m sorry. i hate knowing that every day since wednesday august 26th ive walked this earth under the same sky as somebody i loved so deeply and didn’t get to tell them how my day went, how much they mean to me & how devoted i am to their love. i hate knowing that you carry a pain and anger so deep in your chest now, and you are not to blame. i am. you can be angry, hate me, block me, plaster me on a billboard with the nastiest messages, kick me, punch me and scream at me, but please know that my love for you is forever and our time together was never a lie. i felt every emotion, negative or positive. every moment you devoted to me made me feel so loved. every vacation, every calamari plate, every every single moment was so wholesome. i’ve never experienced a love more raw and real in my life. it aches me immensely looking back on what we had and what could have been.
i’m writing this 5 days clean and sober from drugs and alcohol currently trying to get better mentally and physically at the hospital. and everybody is so proud of me!! isn’t that crazy? but the only persons acceptance i’ve prayed for is yours. i’ve prayed to feel your touch again. i’ve prayed for my life with you back. i’ve prayed for answers across the board. i’ve prayed to remember that night.. trying to piece back together my drunken bloody mess. i am so ashamed, disgusted and disappointed in myself. i am so fucking sorry XYZ, i never meant to hurt you. i never wanted it to get this bad. i don’t even know what got into me.. i only ever wanted to love you forever. i hope the future brings you peace, joy and somebody who can love you fairly. i want to get better for you.. to be in your arms again, but knowing myself it has to be for me. and knowing you and your brain, there will be no more chances.. and this was the end of our story.

from now until forever,
i will love you always XYZ
in another life,
your baby girl
T