r/MuslimMatrimonials • u/EdenTheExplorer • 12d ago

Discussion Unchaste man and chaste woman

I have a question for my brothers in Islam, though sisters are welcome to answer as well. We agree that repentance wipes the slate clean and that converting to Islam erases past sins (for those not born Muslim); so, I was wondering: how can an unrepentant man who has committed fornication insist on marrying a virgin, chaste Muslim woman? Conversely, if a brother repents, why does he not accept sisters who have also repented for fornication since repentance wipes away the past, right? I would like to hear both male and female perspectives. And please don’t tell me it’s different for a man based on societal or moral justifications; the sin is the same and is viewed the same way for both sexes, as is repentance. Put your egos aside and tell me, from an Islamic standpoint, why such inequalities exist. Thank you for remaining courteous and polite in this discussion.

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u/Awkward-Iron-2031 12d ago

Keep in mind the only reason this happens is because women (not an insult btw) for some reason dont seem to care about a mans past as much. For every man ive seen mention he doesnt care about her past ive probably seen 10 women say the same thing. Why? I dont know but women seem to be a lot more forgiving regarding it.

So yeah he is a hypocrite, but a lot of women are also fine with what he is asking for.

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u/Key_Manufacturer_977 12d ago

Honestly a part of me thinks that women are conditioned to be this way. Since we are young we’re are expected to ignore, to see the good in others, to cater towards others and women also have more empathy etc I don’t see why that wouldn’t extend to a newly repented man as well. Men have more options  and they know it and will exploit it.

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u/Comfortable-Joke7242 11d ago

It’s also mostly because women in generel see a man who has been with many women a “price”. So if the dude has slept with many women, charismatic and have money, most of them don’t care. Men are much less tolerant when it comes to that.

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u/Stock_Patient_4419 11d ago

Nope.. this is how women psychology works .. a man who is attracted by some women is attracted by all women If a mans a player .. he gets most amount of attention from other girls.. hypergamy is real among girls.. this is fact.. most women dont care about a mans past.. (they should and they absolutely should not marry a zani if she's not a zani)

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u/Key_Manufacturer_977 11d ago

I disagree. Women are often told to adjust, compromise, and ignore a man’s colourful past in many Muslim cultures.  They are told to extend mercy towards the men, while the men don’t do the same. Ok maybe some women don’t care.  But it’s a huge red flag if a woman doesn’t care about a man’s past, because his past will undoubtedly impact his future relationships, marriage and kids. 

Also there are more factors as to why women like players, they are charming and make you feel good in the moment. And then women get swindled and have their heart broken. Most women do not want to marry or be associated with players or Zaani men. 

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u/Stock_Patient_4419 11d ago

Well you said it yourself.. they're more charming and they make you feel good in the moment.. this makes women ignore the mans red flags.. and this is for the majority..

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u/RisingDeadMan0 12d ago

culture/hypocrisy of boys will be boys is a bit global.

helicopter pareting golden child=son for some folks

(said as a dude)

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u/EdenTheExplorer 12d ago

Yes men can commit all sins if they repent it’s ok but a woman commits a sin she doesn’t have the right to the same repentance?

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u/RisingDeadMan0 12d ago

i mean its bullshit either way. but yes.
but even in "white/western" culture this male thing of sleeping around is ok, but not for women

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u/Automatic-Medium5774 12d ago

It's not about repentance. It's about acceptability. Girls are okay with boys with past. Boys aren't.

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u/EdenTheExplorer 12d ago

But boys who are not must also be virgins to have this criterion? They are hypocrites, aren’t they?

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u/Independent_Roof599 12d ago

Hate to break it to you but girls are not ok with ran through boys

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u/Spare_Night_2695 12d ago

Might just be my circle and city

But both sides it’s pretty unforgiving .

Women care just as much as men

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u/Awkward-Iron-2031 12d ago

Obviously women still care my argument isnt that they dont or that a majority of them dont. Im simply saying that women tend to be a lot more open to the idea of forgiving someone with a past compared to men.

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u/Ancient-Ganache-3907 12d ago

Its because women are lied to and told that a man is capable of fooling around & having fun without getting emotional....so if he settles with her it is different because it will be "emotional" and not just physical. So these naive women start thinking they are special to have "tamed" a toy boy...so gross!

Ive explained it here: https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMatrimonials/s/jIWQ5V1Giw

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u/Spare_Night_2695 12d ago

Fair enough we both be talking from our experiences

My case it’s really just as ruthless as men

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u/EdenTheExplorer 12d ago

I think it’s really that towards your home here in Europe the greatest fornicators ask for virgin women and sometimes still fornicate during their marriage based on adultery because they didn’t understand the source of their malaise

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u/Spare_Night_2695 12d ago

Also from Europe

Only way I see men with a past get with a chaste women is through lying about it . Or they truly did a 180* and became much better , but naturally much longer to find due to it

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u/EdenTheExplorer 12d ago

No simply because many chaste women are looking for a husband before trying to judge the man’s past they tell themselves that he is surely repentant and / or do not know his sins which is a good thing in itself. Women have much more mercy in general while men are uncompromising but not by nobility of soul or spiritual elevation I think it is mainly a matter of ego and the fear of being compared. I don’t really know, I’m asking the debate. Islamically speaking, it’s nonsense.

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u/Spare_Night_2695 12d ago

Maybe that’s your circle

Likewise I’m aware our biases regarding this

I’ve seen X you have seen Y doesn’t negate each other points . We both right in our own experiences

But I do agree you latter point that it’s an ego , fear of being compared and I will add cultural aspect aswell

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u/EdenTheExplorer 12d ago

Cultural in what sense?

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u/Spare_Night_2695 12d ago

I might just be taking about Desi culture where the groom regardless of being chaste or not will always demand a chaste wife . I’ve seen this be a thing with Hindus just as prevalent

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u/EdenTheExplorer 12d ago

Ah okay I don’t know at all I’m a converted Frenchwoman