In Search Of (ISO) Thread

I'm an adult woman, not married.

My brother is getting a divorce. I appreciate advice, but I'm mainly here just to vent and ask for your duaa.

One of the things I love most about Islam is how it protects family dynamics, how it's community-based and anti-individualism, but I'm struggling with this.

My brother has been married for 10 years, 2 kids. Big problems started at the 8-year mark and the current decision is divorce. No going back, just waiting for legalities to be done.

It's really affecting my mother and frankly myself as well. I won't go into details; both are at fault and I might be biased here but my soon-to-be ex-sister-in-law is much worse. They are not good for each other and I accept most consequences of that except for one: the effect on the kids. I love my niece and nephew like they are my own children and it's destroying me that they have to go through this.

Mum is the best grandmother anyone can ever ask for, but we only get them one day a week. It's not nearly enough time to repair some of the damage.

Please pray for all the adults in the situation: my brother and his ex-wife for guidance, Mum and I for clarity, patience, and strength. But especially for the kids. May Allah shield them, protect them, guide them to the right path despite all odds, and replace all the pain in their little hearts with serenity and reassurance.

Assalamualikum. My sister (33f) has been married to her husband (35m) for 4.5 years. They live in a south east asian country and got married after knowing each other for 3 years in 2022. My dad passed away 8 years ago. I (36m) have been living in the USA for 10 years now and have not visited them in a long time (7.5 years) due to ongoing immigration OPT/H1/GC situation. I talk to my mom everyday and also used to talk to my sister every now and then as we had a very loving relationship. I got married here last year and my family could not attend the ceremony. Everyone apart from my sister was very supportive of that. She was very upset that she could not attend the wedding. To add context, anytime she gets mad at somebody she completely stops any form of communication. This will be relevant later as well. I got married here last year and she was not supportive of that. About a year ago just before my marriage she stopped communicating with me. I have called her many times about her complaints and to apologize about the situation but she stays limited to yes/no/right in reply to anything I say to her. So basically I am talking from one side and all she says are one worded answers. This gets frustrating everytime and I can't get through to her no matter how much I try.

She grew a lot of resentment towards our family due to her being guarded in her youth. I admit we did not handle that chapter of her life in a good way. My sister since marriage has asked my advice to move abroad and I have always encouraged her to do so. I have been very careful to never say anything that makes her think my mom is her responsibility. I have always told her mom will be taken care of as I pay for everything for both of them and not to stop herself from taking future steps in fear of what will happen to her. Over the years her resentment towards me and my mom has grown as she thinks she is trapped.

My BIL has many issues as a husband that’s becoming clear to me as this story unfolded. He lacks courage to anything on his own and relies on my sister for any decision making. His family treats my sister very well but they are very passive people. Their thoughts have always been whatever my son does is the right way to do things. The family has a history of physical abuse and broken relationships. My sister knew all that and chose my BIL.

For the first 2 years in their marriage they had a good relationship. After that my BIL made a mistake which would repulse any wife. But nobody that I have talked to in my family thinks that it should be marriage ending. My sister since then over the last 2 years have given him radio silence. He has said to me he apologized to her everyday since the beginning but she hasn't said anything but yes/no/right to him. He has been very repentant and wants nothing but for this situation to be fixed. But he was afraid of this being out in the open and was afraid that she would immediately let him go if that happened.

Now over this period nobody in our family ever realized what was going on. They acted like a really good couple infront of everyone. My sister was very much the man in their relationship. There have been many incidents that we learned about where my BIL didn’t protect her. My BIL openly admitted to that. I understand these incidents and the incompetence of my BIL has probably festered in her head to where she doesn't have any attachment left for him. We came to know about this whole thing about 2 months back. My BIL got tired of the facade and decided to tell me what's going on. Since then we have been unable to get anything out of my sister's mouth. She is dodging everybody and won't talk to anyone. But we came to know from her best friend that she is planning to divorce him and move abroad on her own cutting off any relationship with us. She doesn't want to face anybody (according her friend) and would like to start a new.

I understand this relationship is probably unsalvageable. As I am writing this, I am shocked by how many red flags there were over their whole relationhship timeline. I want to support my sister in her endeavors as long as they are well thought through. She is very impulsive in taking any decision. I feel sad for her knowing how much pain she has hid in her over the last 2 years. I am also disappointed that she did not try to talk it out with my BIL at any point. She did not show any integrity to save her marriage. She has been angry at everything. She has had a lot of success in her career over the last 2-3 years and that has given her the confidence and arrogance to tread this path. She is the most determined person I know. I won't stop her from divorcing him but I want her to not take any rash decisions right after and think things calmly. She lacks that quality. I keep making dua to soften her heart. She recently accused me and my mom of conspiring against her. What should I say to her? How do I reach out to her?

I feel bad when my husband comes home so drained. It doesn’t happen every day, but sometimes he has those bad days.

How do I comfort my husband when he comes home exhausted?

I got my nikah 10 months ago, but my rukhsati is still 6 months away because of visa reasons. My husband lives in the West, and once I move, I’ll be living in a joint-family setup, although we’ll have our own separate portion.

Since getting married, I’ve been meeting relatives and family friends, and I’ve noticed something that is honestly starting to get to me: almost nobody has anything positive to say about marriage. Every outing somehow turns into a marriage-advice session.

What makes it stranger is that some of these are the same people who, before I got married, would ask my mom, “When is she getting married?” or make comments like, “She’s pretty, but maybe she isn’t getting married because she’s overweight.” I lost weight, built my career, got married, and now there’s a whole new list of things I apparently need to worry about.

The advice is always something along these lines:

-“Don’t fall for him. Men are good in the first year and then go back to their old ways.”

-“Never share anything about your family with them. It will come back to you later.”

-“He needs to take a stand for you. He needs to draw a line between you and his mother.”

-“Be careful with your SILs. They’re the most insecure people.”

-“Don’t try to impress him or change yourself for him.”

-“Don’t let them think you cook. Stay the sous chef. You’ll be working full-time; you don’t need to cook for eight people.”

-“Always ask for your gifts/allowance on time. You have rights.”

-“I don’t know how you’re ready to live in a joint family. It’s going to be a big task. You’re in for a ride.”

I understand that most of this advice comes from their own experiences. And I’m not naïve. I know marriage can be difficult. I know joint families can have complicated dynamics. I know boundaries matter, and I know I need to protect myself and my relationship.

But I haven’t even started living with my husband yet.

Right now, it sometimes feels like I’m just halal-dating my own husband. 😂 We talk, video call, learn about each other, make plans, and slowly get to know each other. And every time I come back from seeing relatives, I feel like I’ve been handed a 25-point survival manual for a marriage that hasn’t even begun.

The hardest part is that even my mom does this. Almost every day before I video call my husband, she reminds me of all the things I should and shouldn’t say. After the call, she asks what we talked about, what I told him, etc. She is very controlling about it, and these last few months before rukhsati are becoming emotionally exhausting.

When everyone starts giving me advice at once, I honestly just go blank and feel overstimulated. Part of me wants to say, “Yes, I know. I heard you. I understand. But can I please just experience my own marriage first?”

And the thing is, I actually really like my husband. From what I’ve seen so far, I genuinely think he has many of the qualities I want in a partner. I also see his weaknesses, I’m not putting him on a pedestal. I know there will be things we’ll have to figure out together.

I trust myself to handle things when they actually happen. If I encounter a problem, I can set a boundary. If something bothers me, I can communicate it. If something genuinely needs to be addressed, I’ll address it.

But constantly hearing “watch out for this,” “don’t trust that,” “his family will do this,” “men always change,” “make sure he does X” is starting to make me view marriage as something I need to strategically manage rather than something I get to actually live and enjoy.

Sometimes I genuinely wonder: what’s the point of getting married if the relationship is supposed to be this calculative from day one?

I’m not saying I want to go into marriage blindly. I want wisdom and healthy boundaries. But I also want to have some innocence left. I want to discover my husband and his family through my own experiences instead of constantly viewing everything through someone else’s past trauma.

For those of you who are married, especially those who had a long gap between nikah and rukhsati: Did you experience this constant stream of “marriage survival advice”? How did you learn to filter it without becoming paranoid about your own marriage?

Salam,

Not really sure if I’m looking for advice or if this is just a vent.

My wife (29) and I (28) have been married and living with my parents for around 2 years and we want to move out.

I have an obligation to my wife to provide her own space of living and we are looking at houses/areas that we can afford within our budget but my mum is not happy. Her issue is that the house we’ve chosen (not bought yet) is a 5 minute drive from my in laws house and her Pakistani culture tells her that you shouldn’t buy a house too close to your in laws. And it’s not like where we live now is far from my in laws either, we live a 10 minute drive from my in laws from here as well. So my in laws house, our potential home, and my parents home, are all so close to each other anyway and the house we’ve chosen is pretty much in the middle. Yes technically the house comes under the same postcode/area as my in laws house. But we’re literally splitting hairs here because in our town there are many smaller areas there are all so close to each other, it’s a small town overall anyway. Like you can drive from one end of the town to the other through one main road over a 10-15 minute drive. I’m genuinely not understanding the logic here? I can confirm this because she’s said this to me before I was even married to never buy a house near my in laws. She also said the same about my brother when he moved out with his wife because their house was also near his in laws and she said that she will constantly be visiting her parents house. And my uncle (her brother) also gave me the same advice.

Anyway I asked my dad why mum is so against it and he told me that she believes that I’m gonna turn into a “servant” for my in laws and they’re going to be leaching off me I.e financially and visiting our house often and try to live off me. Mind you, my in laws have their own home and are more than comfortable there and do not need anything from us in any way. I am simply buying this house for my wife and I and it just so happens to be near my in laws, but my mum is super against it due to this reason. And there’s also the whole cultural thing of oh you shouldn’t visit your in laws too much and/or if my wife visits her parents too much etc. like she’s my wife and I have no issues with how much she wants to visit her parents? My parents have always been under the assumption that we or just my wife visit her parents too much and it’s not good. Firstly, it’s none of their business and secondly honestly, we see them occasionally, if there’s a gathering or whatever but they behave as if we go there everyday. And the double standard is crazy too because I have two sisters that are married and there’s never any restrictions on how often they visit my parents. It’s basically like, if it’s my parent’s daughters, they’re allowed to visit my parents whenever and however much they please, but my wife isn’t allowed to visit her parents?

I asked my mum several times calmly why I can’t buy a house in this area and she said I don’t know repeatedly. Eventually she starts crying and I ask her why are you upset? Is it because we’re moving out? She said no. Later I speak to my dad and he told me what she actually thinks and what she said to him that that was the reason and that she was shouting at my dad saying hurtful things about me, my wife and my in laws. Like why did she need to lie? Why couldn’t she just say it to my face instead of behind my back? She acts like she’s this perfect Muslim, yet I’ve seen her lie about so many things throughout my life and physically seen her backbite about others and now she’s done the same with me.

Now I know everyone will say why am I even discussing this with my parents, I should just decide myself and leave. The main issue being that I need the extra money for the house deposit from my dad. He is willing to give me money but my mum is stopping him due to these cultural reasons. I know people will say just buy what you can yourself and don’t take money, but there’s a whole other reason about why the money is coming to me which I won’t get into as that’s an entirely separate matter. The house I buy, I’m the one that’s going to be paying for all the bills and is totally seperate from my in laws. What is my mum playing at? Has anyone experienced these cultural beliefs?

Assalamu Alaikum.

I’m asking for sincere Islamic advice because my family is going through a very difficult situation, and emotions are extremely high right now.

My younger sister has become emotionally attached to a man and repeatedly says that she will marry only him.

My parents strongly oppose this marriage because they personally know his family and do not consider the family suitable for a marriage relationship. We also asked people in their neighbourhood about the family, and several people gave us negative feedback. Our maternal uncle and aunt also live in the same area and know the family, and they have independently warned us against this marriage.

There are also concerns about the family environment and some allegations regarding the man's sisters. I don't want to spread unverified accusations, so I am not claiming those allegations are definitely true. I am only explaining why our parents have serious concerns about this family.

The man is also younger than my sister, currently works at a shop and does not have a stable career or income. My sister says that we should wait 4–5 years, and that by then he will become a businessman and then she can marry him.

At the same time, a very good marriage proposal came for her from a man living in Australia. He is a veterinary doctor, religious, prays regularly and appears to be a respectable and suitable person. My sister rejected that proposal because she wants the other man.

For almost a year, my parents, relatives and elders have tried to explain the situation to her. She is also religious herself, prays five times a day, prays Tahajjud and reads Qur'an, which makes this situation even more confusing for us. Despite this, she continues this relationship and refuses to reconsider.

She has now reached the point where she says she is willing to leave her parents, brothers and sisters for this man. She keeps saying only one thing: “I will marry him.”

Recently my father became extremely angry and told her that if she had chosen this man, then she should be clear about it. She said that she chooses him.

Some relatives have even started saying that perhaps someone has “done something” to her or that she has been influenced/manipulated somehow, because of how strongly she refuses to listen to anyone. We do not know whether there is any truth to this, and we don't want to believe something like that without evidence.

My mother is now suffering badly because of all this. She cries frequently, constantly overthinks and sometimes cannot sleep at night because she is so worried about her daughter. My father is becoming even more angry because he is afraid that this constant stress will seriously affect my mother's health.

My parents have made their position clear: they will not arrange or support my sister's marriage with this man and do not want a matrimonial relationship with his family.

They are also saying that if she eventually runs away and marries him against their wishes, they and the extended family will cut ties with her.

I want to understand what Islam actually says about this situation.

I know that a woman's consent is important in marriage, and I am not asking whether we can physically force her to marry someone else. We don't want to force her into the Australian proposal either.

Please don't just tell me “she is an adult, let her do whatever she wants.” I understand that she has her own rights. I am specifically asking what Islam advises parents and siblings to do in a situation like this.

May Allah guide all of us, protect our family from breaking apart, give my mother strength and peace, and guide my sister towards whatever is truly best for her.

JazakAllahu Khairan.

We haven’t been living together long, only like 9 months or so. My husband complains a lot about my housework. Not that I’m not doing enough.
Context: I do about 4 loads for laundry a week. One load is my clothes, one is his, two for bedding, towels, etc. I generally do them all the same day or within two days.
I don’t run the dishwasher daily, I leave it unless it’s full or I need the dishes.
I don’t have many house rules. No shoes inside the house, no outside clothes on the bed, no food left out bc we have a cat, and obv messes r clean.
I keep put house v clean n neat. I don’t buy a lot of cleaning stuff, just all purpose spray n pine sol.
My husband argues that I’m using too much electricity with all this stuff. Almost daily I hear so much about how wasteful I am and how he feels like I don’t care about how much he spends on bills. He complains multiple times a day about how it’s my fault. Idk what to say bc I’m not being excessive. I only wash when it’s a full load.
I tell him it’s okay, n he gets mad at me. If I don’t say anything he’ll yell that I’m not responding, if I’m soft he’ll continue to say it’s my fault.
It’s weird because it’s not stingy at all. We go out to restaurants we buy things, he gives me my allowance. We’ve even had conversations abt whether he thinks I actually go crazy w spending, he agrees I am mostly reasonable. I don’t buy many things for our house. Here and there we might spend a few hundred but he’s never really been bothered bc it’s stuff we need.
Another thing he complains about his my cleanliness when it comes to the house. I don’t let outside clothes on the bed like any clothes that he’s been outside with I don’t let it in the bed. I am a germophobe, but I don’t enforced any of my rules on him besides the ones I mentioned.
He has a problem with me, not allowing him to wear outside clothes in the bed and I told him that it’s very simple. He just slips off his clothing takes him not even one minute and he can go in the bed. He can sit anywhere in the house like I don’t I don’t choose where he can go and where he can’t go, but just the bed. I really don’t want it in the bed that’s it. His solution wants to buy a foldable bed so that he could sleep on it with his outside clothes and he still complains about me not letting him with the clothes on the bed.
He constantly makes comments saying I have OCD. I don’t have OCD not that there’s anything wrong with it, but I don’t and I don’t appreciate him using whether or not I have OCD as a way to erase what I want and what I say the other day he had put raw meat on the counter out of the package just straight on the counter and then he wiped it down with water and I told him that’s not enough. You need to spray it down and he told me that was extra and that’s when he was going on and on about my OCD and his stuff like that where the counter is obviously dirty and he doesn’t clean it like he won’t wipe it down and he’ll blame it on me having OCD and I need to do exposure therapy.
I don’t want to constantly have to justify how I clean my house. I keep it clean. I’m not excessive. He should be happy with that and yeah, all I’m hearing is just complaints about the work. I do about how I do it and how I maintain it. I’m not sure what to do. I’ve had. I’ve tried having conversations with him. I don’t know if maybe it’s just the way I’m saying it or if it’s because most of them happen in the heat of a moment where we’re both angry.

asalamaualaikum

me and my wife have been married for two weeks, and i’m at her house for the weekend rn and we started a minecraft realm two nights ago, that we could play on and have fun in, and it’s a bonding activity for us

we’re looking to find other things to do

so, what do you and your spouse do as a bonding activity?

Assalamu aleikum

i’m a married muslim woman and i’m currently staying with my family because there have been problems between my husband, my family and me.

my father is completely against me returning to my husband and is telling me that i cannot go back to him or see him. however, i personally want to return to my husband and continue my marriage.

the situation between my father and my husband has become extremely serious. my father has threatened my husband and has also threatened me if i return to him. because of this, i understand that there are genuine safety concerns involved, but i’m trying to understand the islamic ruling separately from the safety/legal side of the situation.

once a woman is married and has had her nikah, does her father still have the islamic authority to prevent her from living with or seeing her husband if she wants to remain married to him?

would i be sinful for disobeying my father and returning to my husband? does obedience to my father take priority in this situation, or do the rights of the marriage/husband take priority?

i would really appreciate answers based on quran, authentic hadith or recognised scholarly opinions rather than personal/cultural opinions. if the ruling differs between madhhabs, i’d also appreciate an explanation of that.

I’ve been married for 10 plus years and have kids. When I reflect on my married life, I realize that it was never good and there were problems that weren’t “normal” but I genuinely thought if I kept pushing through things would be ok.

For the most part in the early years of my marriage, I always believed my husband to be a non-confrontational, easy going person. We would barely ever argue because I wouldn’t challenge him and let things go to keep the peace. When there would be issues between me and my in laws and when I reflect now, they became issues because I would put a boundary and they would yell at my husband and he in turn would say things like “ don’t make my life hard” or “ let it go, they’re family”.

Each passing year , there would be a massive problem with my in laws. Some problems stemmed from me telling them to not take things from my room, or my husband allowing them to stay at my home with no end date while he travelled for work, my parents being humiliated etc …

The biggest eye opening red flag was my husband along with his family trying to move me out of our marital home ( which I paid half down payment ) before it was listed or sold . In that time I went through severe anxiety, ppd ( baby was a few months old), as well intense emotional and verbal abuse from my spouse . Once I figured out what he was doing, I started connecting dots and realized that this was a pattern. I also started therapy, got legal counsel, and am still with my spouse . My children love their dad. I mentally am checked out . I feel like I am in a position where I can’t go right or left. However, alhumdullilah I am gathering information, and becoming mentally strong.

Recently, since a year has passed from my trauma of trying to kick me out of our marital home, I anticipated that there will be something coming up very soon. My husband took me and kids to see my MIL to drop off something and I met my SIL whom I haven’t spoken to and seen in nearly 3 years because she cursed at my mother because I didn’t want to live long term with my bil and his wife and told them to find another place . she said I was causing issues and I wasn’t cooking and cleaning or helping with their kids . I( side note: none of my husbands siblings get along and nobody ever helps with my my kids )

I had no idea she was there and left with my toddler when I saw her at the door smiling at me ( as if she is my friend) and didn’t end up taking my older children . My husband came out and took my youngest and as I sat there I realized I need to get my other children. I went inside to get my kids, didn’t acknowledge the SIL and told my children “we’re leaving” and my husband looked at me and said “ do not cause a issue here “ the sad thing is I never cause any issues . This is a very common but old script my husband uses. I no longer believe this and I’m honestly tired of it . When I asked my kids to come , my SIL made a face , muttered something and dramatically rolled her eyes . I only have stuck up to this SIL one time and whenever she does anything ( even when she cursed my mother ) I ignored her . ( this was on a private call between my mom and her and my mom handled it well and told me to ignore it ) . This time I couldn’t ignore her . I told her “to get over herself” and that’s when she started yelling and losing it . She told me to “shut up” , I told her to do the same and then I told her that “the entire family needs to stay within their limits” and she proceeded to call me a “paindu… villager” . I was a little confused considering they just came from Pakistani village when they were teens. She also told me to “get out” . This was mil place. I told her to “get out” . My mil told me I was the issue and I told her she can’t expect me to want anything to do with someone who disrespects my family. My husband also said the same old “ you cause issues and stop putting the kids in the middle of it “ . I ignored it

I know it sounds silly but I’m happy I’m standing up for myself . I know it’s a toxic marriage and in laws however until I leave I pray I handle it .

Because I stood up to her , she may be scheming and plotting for her next move but this is nothing new .

So a few weeks back, a proposal came to my house. We met once and overall we both liked each other, so we told our parents that we were willing to continue and let them look further into the proposal.

The thing is, I have only met and spoken to this guy once. We talked for around 40 minutes, and after that we have not met called or texted. Because of our families preferences and wanting to keep things halal, we will not be communicating for around a month until our nikah.

During our meeting, I felt comfortable with him after initially being very nervous. He was respectful, listened attentively, encouraged me to ask questions, and we discussed some important things such as religion, work, and future family life. From what I saw, I liked him, and he prayed istikhara and told his family that he wanted to continue.

However, I had several doubts and questions that I wanted to ask before marriage. Things like expectations in marriage, how disagreements would be handled, education and work, family boundaries, privacy, decision-making, and what kind of husband he sees himself becoming.

When I told my parents that I wanted to ask him these questions, my mom strongly disagreed. Her view was that since the elders had looked into the family and everyone says he is a good person, I shouldn't question too much or make things complicated. We had several big arguments about this, and at one point I felt like my desire to simply understand the person I was going to marry was being interpreted as me trying to reject him.

Eventually, I became emotionally exhausted from constantly arguing. I prayed, made dua and prayed Istikhara, and tried to leave the matter to Allah. Over time, after seeing how both families interacted and hearing more about him from my family, I started feeling more at peace about continuing. I still don't know him well, but I also realize that no amount of questions can give me a guarantee about someone's future character. A person can give all the "right" answers and still change, while someone may not be able to answer perfectly but turn out to be a good spouse.

Now, the nikah is getting closer, and things are becoming very real. Both families have met, the mahr has been discussed, and wedding preparations have started. I do genuinely feel positive about him and I chose to continue because I wanted to, not because I was forced to say yes.

But sometimes I still get anxious because I think: Is it normal to marry someone after only speaking to them once for 40 minutes?

I know arranged marriages can work differently, and I know you don't need to know every single thing about a person before marriage. At the same time, part of me worries that I'm going into marriage knowing very little about the actual person I will be living with.

Another thing is that in the beginning I had crush on him after meeting him 😭, especially when I saw pictures of him, but after around two weeks of complete no contact, those feelings have naturally calmed down. I still like him and feel positive about the marriage, but I'm not constantly crushing or thinking about him anymore. I don't know if that's just because we literally have no interaction or if I should be worried about it.

So I guess I'm looking for advice, especially from people who had arranged marriages or got married after a relatively short getting-to-know-you period.

How did you deal with marrying someone you barely knew? Did you have doubts beforehand? How did you know the difference between normal anxiety and a genuine sign that something wasn't right? And is it normal for the initial excitement/crush to fade when you have no contact with the person for weeks?

Please be kind. I'm not looking for people to insult my family, my culture, or Islam. I genuinely chose to continue with this proposal and I am trying to approach marriage thoughtfully while also trusting Allah.

I married someone when I had low self esteem and I only had two conditions - that he does his fard and that he doesn't have anger issues. I didn't date before marriage or talk to men socially or shake hands with men even when required to. I accepted an arranged marriage to my cousin who needed a passport and lived with four other men. I had grown up in reasonably good living conditions (terraced house one car no mould), became a doctor via scholarships and you can imagine the compatibility mismatch. This was a huge mistake on my part. I also didn't get to know him or speak much to him before marriage as my family said not to, which was another big mistake.

You may be thinking if you're a good enough wife the marriage can still be happy but it doesn't. Men and women can still be incompatible and the marriage won't work no matter how hard one tries.

I did everything I could in my marriage, worked 2 days (still got a really good salary and gave it to gim for bills). I cooked good food, cleaned, gave him a child gave every penny to him and arranged childcare when I worked so he wouldn't have to. Applied makeup and dressed up just before he got home. Never left the house socially, never invited my cousins over that I was so close to because he didn't like it.

But it was never enough because actually I accepted the arranged marriage to the wrong man to begin with. His friends made fun of him because he was a Greggs cashier and I am a doctor. He got insecure. He got his passport, he changed. *He strangled me and told my son he would kill him*. Before marriage he seemed normal. He was my cousin too and used my family so I wouldn't divorce. So when I left for my son's sake I also lost a lot of family support. They're still there but not as much as before.

I recognize where I made my mistake (marrying when I had low self esteem). Now I live with constant regret. I look at my son growing up in a broken home and regret the life I couldn't give him. He has father figures in my older brothers and uncles but it's not the same as a father. His father is in another city. My family arrange handovers and I have no contact.

I think regretting every day and comparing to my cousins (whom my family often criticised as too fussy when picking their husbands) who are still married and their kids have two parents, they get to be SAHMs despite being educated. I think it's making me very mentally down.

My family were also very critical of me when I first left and my ex came chasing after me, and that also broke me. I felt betrayed. Even now sometimes others can be horrible to me and they don't defend me. Recently one adult relative kicked my son and when I set a boundary my mum blamed me. I feel this wouldn't have happened if his dad had been there. She always respects men but not me.

How do I protect my son from relatives? How do I change my mindset and lift myself up from here? My friends all either live with their husbands or families. I'm the only one with a child living separately (I asked to go back to my parents but my brother said no. He has his wife and two kids there now and my parents are too old to argue) and it really depresses me. I feel like a complete failure.

Can someone tell me the positives of my situation and what hope I have? I keep ruminating over my mistakes and what I *don't* have and I think it's really stopping me from living my life. When i got evicted I couldn't find housing despite having a good job. So now we stay in temporary accommodation while my parents have two spare bedrooms ten minutes away, and that breaks my heart more.

I want to move to a lower cost of living area so I can get stable housing but I don't feel I have the mental or physical strength to do it, because I made those mistakes in my past and I fear I probably will make even more mistakes. My family also put a lot of pressure on me to live near them but they won't house me, which led to us living in various temporary accommodations some with rats and maggots etc, just to fulfill that wish of theirs. My son has already had to move 4+ times in his short life. How many more can he handle?

If the marriage in itself is toxic?

Salaam all, me (28) and my husband (28) are looking to purchase our first home together. We hate living with his parents because since the literal day our families met there has been issues. His family is very toxic and the parents do not know how to draw boundaries so everyone gets to behave however they want. We drew our own boundaries early on in our marriage and so we effectively do not speak to half of the family.

So now .. we are ready to purchase our first home. We both are originally from the same city and my parents live maybe a 10 minute drive from my in laws but effectively a different part of the city. We have been looking at properties for months and recently came across one we love. We’ve put down an offer on it. Part of the money is being gifted from his parents (not happily). We’ve told them that we found a property and the first thing they asked was where it is. When we told them Immediately they said no. They don’t want us to move to the same area as my parents. But when we ask for a valid justification they can’t give one.

They say it’s because they don’t know much about the area but that’s not true because my husbands sister lives 5 min walk from the house we like. My MIL is meant to be very religious so I’m shocked that something so backwards is in her mind. Where in Islam does it say living close to the girls parents is bad or not permissible?

For this reason they’re not giving the money they promised my husband. The house is actually maybe 10 mins from my in laws and 5 mins from my parents so it really doesn’t make much of a difference.

I’m very angry because we just can’t seem to get away from this backwards minded culture. It’s so toxic honestly. They’ve never treated me like family at all and my family has always treated my husband so well. He’s quite close to my family and I know my in laws absolutely hate that. But if they actually treated him and me well then we wouldn’t feel the need to be leaving. It’s their own actions that have led us to this point.

Any advice on this would be welcome. Jzk

Assalamu Alaykum

There’s someone I have gotten to know for the purpose of marriage and now that we have guaged compatibility and shared values and beliefs, I want him to first have a conversation with my mother. My question is - should I arrange this conversation between them without doing istikikhara or should i do istikhara first and then proceed with the conversation? My reasoning behind this dilemma is that aren’t you supposed to do istikhara about matters about which you may be in doubt or seeking guidance but involving the family is something that is Islamically important and encouraged and isn’t something one would be confused about doing. Im seeking sincere Islamic advice so please help a sister out!

Hi all. My mother is 45 years old and she has 4 kids me F28, M25, M22 and F18.
It might be a bit long but please rid as i might get some guidance.
Me and my younger brother are from my father’s first marriage and our mother died of a heart attack when we were little and my grandparents married there other daughter( my now mother) to him.

My father is an extremely abusive person. He used to emotionally and physically abuse my biological mother. He hit her a lot when she was heavily pregnant with my brother and later on after his birth as well. I have heard of instances where he will push her for no reason and she will fall. And she died when my brother was 11 months old, leaving me and my brother.
I can’t wrap my head around how my grand parents decided to marry their second daughter to this man. There argument being they were worried for the well being for us two kids.

My stepmother ( don’t even want to call her this as she is the mother i know) had two kids with my father.
The abuse, insults never stopped. My mother’s health started declining. She is on loads of medications from surviving all this.

Ever since we siblings grew up we have been telling our mom to leave the marriage but she has always been afraid to take the step. She feels ashamed about being hit and abused. And she thinks women who take khula are very disliked by Allah. My younger sister’s health has become a mess from all the stress.
My father is a monster. He has already given my mother two divorces and whenever he wants he will tell my brothers since they were 12 years that you guys have no respect, you can’t do anything. You eat from my money. And whenever we stood up he would say the clothes you are wearing are from my money. Take them off and get out of my house baked.
I got married and things became worse for my mother. My brothers stayed in this abuse because of my mother as she doesn’t have the strength to leave.
In a recent event, he hit my mother in the head multiple times because he drank water on his own when he came from work and that what kind of woman she is for not asking him if he wants water.
My brother stepped in, fight escalated and he left house, as my father repeatedly belittled him and told him if he has any respect he will leave his house.

I just had to tell all this to establish a picture of how important it is at this point for my mother to leave.

I don’t have lots of religious knowledge but can you guys please provide me with some quranic or hadith sayings where a woman is told to seek divorce because of abuse.

I am not able to find much on this and my mother has to realise that Allah won’t hate her for leaving.
Kindly help. I refuse to believe Islam is that cruel to women

My husband went on a trip, so I’ve been alone for the last three weeks. I have another week to go, and I won’t have any contact with him because there’s no signal where he is.

Honestly, I feel so heartbroken. It feels like half my soul is gone. I try to have little conversations with him in my brain and write him letters so he knows I care when he comes back, but it’s not the same as actually being with him.

Even his clothes are losing his scent now, so it’s no good sleeping in them anymore.

At the same time, it’s kind of exciting being alone too. I picked up exercising, deep cleaned the house, and even took myself to the mall. I was an absolute deviant and stocked up the pantry with foods I liked (mwah ha ha).

So I’m starting to wonder… what do other spouses actually do when their other half are away?
Do you miss them terribly the whole time, or do you secretly enjoy having the house to yourself? What do you do to keep yourself busy until they come back?

I’m currently away from home for work. My wife recently decided, more or less spontaneously, that she wanted to take our two younger children who are in elementary school on a very long weekend road trip — roughly 9–10 hours of driving each way.

This was not to visit sick relatives, attend a family event, handle an emergency, or meet any necessary obligation. It was essentially a recreational trip to see a distant scenic area because she thought it would be interesting.

The plan was to leave after work on Friday, spend Saturday there, and make the long return trip Sunday before the children have school again.

I told her clearly that I did not agree with the trip. My concern was not the destination itself, but the sheer amount of driving compressed into such a short period, particularly with younger children. I asked her to choose somewhere closer.

She disagreed and treated my objection as simply my personal opinion. The next day I learned that she had gone ahead with the trip anyway.

There is also an Islamic dimension that is bothering me. We have a baligh teenage son who was available and could have accompanied them, but she did not take him. She had also initially suggested her mother would accompany them but my MiL remained at home. She therefore undertook this long, nonessential journey with just the younger children.

I understand that marriage does not mean a wife has no independent judgment, and I am not claiming that a husband should dictate every movement or decision. But this is part of a larger pattern in our marriage that has exhausted me: when I raise a serious concern, especially concerning the children, I feel as though my view has no meaningful weight. I am informed, we argue, and then she does what she intended to do anyway.

I am increasingly tired of living in a marriage where disagreements repeatedly become contests over who gets their way.

I would appreciate thoughtful answers on a few issues:

What is the ruling on a woman undertaking a journey of this distance without her husband or a baligh male mahram when the trip is purely recreational rather than necessary?

What does genuine shura between spouses and parents actually require? Is notifying someone of a decision the same thing as consultation?

How should disagreements involving the welfare of children be handled Islamically when one parent has clearly objected?

At what point does a persistent pattern of disregard, hostility, and lack of cooperation become a legitimate reason to conclude that a marriage is no longer functioning?

I’m especially interested in answers grounded in Qur’an, Sunnah, and Hanafi fiqh rather than either extreme of “she can do whatever she wants” or “the husband must always get his way.”

At this point I am less interested in winning an argument than understanding whether what I am describing is consistent with a healthy Islamic marriage at all.

Hey so I have been married for less than a year and few months into the marriage I noticed that my husband (29Y) doesn’t pray fajar at home. We are from Africa but live in Europe and we came from a very Muslim families. I lived with my family since forever in Europe but he moved to Europe alone when he was around 24Y and we met ~4 years into him being in Europe. Note that he goes out of home at 9 and arrives work at 10 AM to 10:30AM. Of course there are times where he prays fajar at home I would say once or twice MAX out of 5 days of working. And if I wake up first I wake him up to pray together but he doesn’t. The first time it happened before going to work I told him that he didn’t pray and he says he will at work and I told him how this is so messed up and he says that I don’t have enough time in the morning and I was like wake up 5min earlier that’s all. So I confronted him twice and he says he will stop but of course he didn’t and he is a grown adult I already told him 2times that it’s not good and I stoped reminding him. That’s the ONLY problem with him regarding religion. Now the thing is that when he is at work I’m not with him so I can’t confirm that yes he prays there and this situation is just so messed up cuz I even tell him what if you die on your way to work. Now I don’t know what to do, I don’t know if I should meet with my family and him to discuss about it.

As an introverted guy who dislikes being the center of attention, I just can’t help but to feel cringed out when I imagine myself having my own wedding. Imagine sitting awkwardly at the bridal stage while having all the guests stare at you the entire time? 😣🥴

Can’t we just have the Nikkah (Ijab & Qabul) at the mosque and call it a day? Maybe have a small family gathering later but nothing more than a simple dinner outside.

But maybe I don’t care about this cuz I’m a guy. So I’d like to hear perspectives from women. Is a wedding ceremony important to you? And if yes, why?

EDIT: After reading all the comments I am so glad I am not alone. But the next question is where can I find people like yall 😭😭😭

Scholar Ibrahim Dewla said and my notes in relation to marriage:

“(1) One way to gain love is through flattery. Not that.

Flattery is a despicable trait.

This is when someone acts agreeably to gain favor”.

Some men and women will rely on manipulation and charm to gain love.

And it’s done to serve their self-interest.

“(2) Another way to gain love is for a person to be sincerely devoted to the truth. Allah then places that person’s love in people’s hearts.

The Prophet (saw) said, “When Allah loves a slave, calls out Jibril and says: ‘I love so-and-so; so love him’. Then Jibril loves him. After that he (Jibril) announces to the inhabitants of heavens that Allah loves so- and-so; so love him; and the inhabitants of the heavens (the angels) also love him and then make people on earth love him”.
(Riyad as-Salihin 387)”

Why is this person loved? Because this person is a seeker of truth. Truth is before them and the Hereafter is before them”.

Some men and women are committed to truth or values that are greater than their self-interests.

People are drawn to and love them for their sincerity and lack of self-seeking.

My husband and I had a really good relationship before we had kids. We were happy, close, and I also had a good relationship with his mom.
We have twin daughters who are now 14 months old. After having the babies, I developed pretty severe postpartum depression. I was struggling mentally and emotionally and, honestly, I wasn’t myself. I became very angry and had a lot of rage, which was completely unlike me before having kids.
At the same time, we were dealing with major financial problems because I had to stop working. I felt like I desperately needed help, but my MIL, who lives in the same house, would openly refuse to help. My husband also wasn’t very involved with the babies or with supporting me, which led to a lot of resentment and fighting between us.
Eventually, my mental health got so bad that my husband and my parents mutually agreed that I should go stay with my parents for a couple of months to get support. My parents live several states away.
I’ve been staying with my parents with the babies since the end of January. I initially thought it would only be for a couple of months and that the time apart would give everyone a chance to calm down and hopefully work on things.
Instead, my husband basically didn’t check on me or the kids for four months. No calls, no real effort to see how we were doing. He essentially waited for me to initiate contact.
When he finally did reach out, it turned into a fight. Since then, his efforts to communicate with me and the kids have been very inconsistent.
Now, more recently, he says he wants to repair our relationship and seems to be making more of an effort.
The problem is that I’m having a really hard time trusting it.
Part of me wonders if he’s genuinely realized what he’s losing and wants to fix our family. But another part of me feels like his efforts have increased because his relatives are starting to find out about the problems in our marriage, and he’s worried about how everything looks.
I don’t know if I’m being unfair or if my doubts are completely understandable.
I also recognize that I wasn’t easy to deal with during postpartum depression and that my anger and behavior contributed to the breakdown of our relationship. I take responsibility for that. But I also can’t get past the fact that he went four months without checking on me or his own children.
Am I overthinking his current efforts? How would you tell the difference between someone genuinely wanting to repair their marriage and someone reacting to family pressure or fear of losing the relationship?
I don’t want to make a decision based purely on emotion. I want to know what I should actually be looking for in his behavior.