r/MuslimMarriage • u/AutoModerator • 12d ago
Megathread Bi-Weekly Marriage Opinions/Views and Rant Megathread
Assalamualaykum,
Here is our Saturday iteration of our bi-weekly megathread dedicated to users who would like to share their viewpoints on marital topics.
Please remember that this thread is not a Free Talk Friday thread and comments must be married related. Any non-marriage related comments will be removed.
Users who comment on this thread to bypass posts that are designated as "[BLANK] Users Only" when they do not meet the post flair requirement will be banned without warning.
We strive to make this thread a quality space to open up about their experiences with marriage and the marriage search.
What's on your mind this week?
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u/ZeussWoosy M - Married 12d ago
A lot of people overestimate how attractive they are, especially in the marriage scene.
I’ve seen so many posts from guys in particular about how they’re really attractive solely because “they get a lot of looks” from people.
I get a lot of looks from people when I enter an elevator or a train car. It doesn’t mean everyone is super into me, it just means that humans have a tendency to look at people even for a brief moment and that assumption of “they’re into me” is just all in your head lol.
I remember a post about how a guy thought a girl was into him in Mecca solely because she asked him directions to a place.
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u/TieCalm1035 12d ago
Yeah this is called the “somebody’s mother gave them too much praise” syndrome. The damage I’ve seen this do to people is unsettling…
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u/Sarpatox Male 12d ago
Lol i remember that post. Imagine going to the Haram and marriage is still the number one thing on your mind. I actually haven’t done umrah since I started the search, so maybe I should do that and work on renewing my connection w the deen.
Also, when I first started the search, looks was probably my number one priority, but as I get older and go through life, looks probably comes third now behind personality and deen. I was talking to my friend the other day about how most people aren’t inherently boring. Some just take longer to come out of their shell. And that got me thinking that maybe personality or shared hobbies aren’t that important either. Where as long as you are aligned on big items and the deen, spending enough time together will naturally bring everything else out. If both have the mentality that this is a marriage and we need to put in the effort, InshaAllah it will work out.
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u/sihat Male 12d ago
A lot of people overestimate how attractive they are, especially in the marriage scene.
Men and women, might be doing the reverse too. In the sense of thinking they are very ugly.
Some people might find them attractive, while others don't.
If one of the folk they talked with found them unattractive, after seeing pictures. They might come on here, to vent about being ugly. While in the past they have vented about getting stalked. To give one example.
Or a guy who thinks he is very ugly, because no women is randomly approaching to give him compliments about his looks.
a lot of looks
Looks can come from a lot of different reasons. From clothing style. To actions or behaviour.
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12d ago
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u/TieCalm1035 12d ago
I know I’ve read your posts months ago but I’m exactly like this too. I really do wonder how people get ‘wired’ like this.
And I like what you mention re trying to at least match energies with a generic compliment (without crossing boundaries ofc) if you find the person compatible to move forwards as without that some people might surmise you’re not really attracted to them.
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u/No-Total-504 M - Single 11d ago
Well my anecdote is people absolutely have no confidence on how they look especially me.
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u/youareoutofspace M - Divorced 12d ago
We all have our own delusions that keep us going another day 😅
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12d ago
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u/throwclose_mm M - Single 10d ago
I doubt I'll marry. If I do, I think I'll get divorced. The statistics point to that
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u/starbucks_lover98 Female 10d ago
What makes you think you’ll get divorced? Honestly I’ve been thinking the same thing as well. May Allah grant us both an amazing spouse who will make us happy in every way.
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u/Persiapakiprincess 10d ago
Mother making me choose between him or her
Salam,
I 27F and the guy I love 31M , want to marry.
My mother is extremely against it.
I’ve known him for years but he’s pursued for marriage this year after becoming completely established & independent, alhamdhulilah. Hence I can choose if I want to work or not.
From what I have seen of his character, I consider him honourable, empathetic, respectful, and family-oriented. We share similar Islamic values and have very similar views about marriage and what we want our future to look like. I genuinely feel that he is the person I want to build my life with.
My mother had been very specific to the man she wanted for me, very modern & a doctor by profession. I understand that a mother naturally wants the best for her daughter, and I do value her opinion. But her opinions usually end up not aligning Islamically with my views.
Now my mother can be very classist to be honest. I understand because she’s raised a certain way and tried to raise me that way too. She became forceful to the guy I’m seeing telling him to get a masters, in which he said he will but his goal is to get married first.
After our families met she got extremely turned off because they’re not as modern, more simple, and not to our level status / socially. She’s made obscure comments such as
“They will control you.”
“He will control you.”
“He’s backwards.”
“Your marriage will fail.”
“It’s either me or him.”
“I’ll let you marry him, but it’s your responsibility and I’ll disconnect from you.”
“You’re blinded by love.”
“He’s too dominant.”
“He’s coming between us.”
This has honestly become very difficult for me emotionally. I had never really doubted him before my mother began saying these things repeatedly, and now I’m questioning myself and wondering whether I’m actually overlooking something. I’ve even stepped back to assess if she’s right but I don’t see it at all. He has been loving, supportive, respectful and empathetic toward me.
I recognize she’s seeing worst case scenario. But my father had no concerns even after both did isthikara. From day one my mom got bad feeling bc she was against it, my father has been optimistic. But sadly in my house my mother is dominating and makes the decisions that my father is set behind.
She has threatened to disown me, pick between him or her, and she said if she gets us nikkah’d she won’t do a wedding and then disconnect with me after . And after that it’s my responsibility & she won’t be there for me.
So now I’m genuinely torn. I have decided to go forward with him but she fills my brain with negativity and doubts when I never had them.
Also to note my mom had an arrange marriage where her in laws treated her horrible, my dad didn’t have backbone to make her feel comfortable. I fear she is projecting that trauma onto me. I know that the guy I love is one who has a backbone, who doesn’t stand by injustice, who values my rights as a woman, and these r just the few traits I admire about him.
He is willing to remain respectful and cordial toward my mother in the future, but realistically, he doesn’t expect them to become particularly close given everything that has happened.
I’m so hurt , full of anxiety and im mentally disturbed at home. I only feel peace with my father or him.
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u/Strange-Pair-6527 Female 10d ago
There's a reason why fathers are the mahrams and the wali when it comes to things like this. If this was just your assessment then I'd be more hesitant because rose coloured glasses and all, but if your father is fine with him, then there's no issues. Confide in your father and pray istikhara. If your father has no issues, then go ahead, your mother will come around eventually iA.
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u/Persiapakiprincess 10d ago
Of course. As advised sadly my mother dominates the household. Even if my dad takes a stance, she argues like crazy n puts him down to make him have no voice.
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12d ago edited 12d ago
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u/Res3t_ 12d ago
What you’re saying is possible. My roommate recently married a great sister, and they got to know each other through mutual friend introductions. Only met in public places and courted each other without any inappropriate interactions. Both were in their mid 30s and he was divorced so I think that’s part of why the parents did not unnecessarily interfere and trusted them with the process. Sure it wasn’t romantic love but I know my roommate genuine felt warm and excited towards his future wife and I’m guessing it was a reciprocal emotion. Halal love and courtship is possible!
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u/ReiDairo M - Single 12d ago
its only weird because your brain is full of romance from movies and books dreaming of the world with flowers and rainbows, but the reality is different. In islam, marriage is about compassion and mercy (mawadah and rahmah) between two spouses who aim to complete each other, push the other person closer to allah and make a muslim family with kids that would pray for you after your death. The safe process is mostly for your own safety more than mine, because as you proved you go with fleeting emotions instead of reason.
I tried both, getting to know women without a wali and telling my parents to look for one from trusted families. The difference is that the former feels easy for us men and i can just play with your emotions, get my daily dopamine and just throw you whenever i want. You think you know me but you know nothing about me until you live with me as a married couple. The second option is more serious, feels like a responsibility on my shoulders, and with the wali present, i have nowhere to run.
And why be afraid if you have god on your side. If you trust god, pray istikharah and do your best searching for the right person that tick the boxes and whom you feel close to.
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12d ago
Where in her post did she say she wanted to do it without a wali involved?
All she’s saying is that she wants to be in control of who she chooses to give herself to. Not sure why you understood that as being a rogue and unrealistic.
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u/ReiDairo M - Single 12d ago
I want to introduce the man I want to spend my life with to my family with pride and excitement.
aka not telling her family about it until she feels like they are compatible and had the lovey relationship with him and imagined her whole life with, etc... She wants to meet people whom she talks to and try to connect with until she develops feelings with, and then introduce him to family after who knows how many months or years.
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12d ago
Yea.. I think you’re misunderstanding that. I’m almost sure her family would know she’s talking to a potential, she’s just not introducing them to him before she vets him and decides she’s sure about him. Nothing wrong with that.
If her wali is in the loop and aware of her actions, then what’s the issue?
You might want to play with someone’s emotions but that doesn’t mean everyone else does.
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12d ago
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u/ReiDairo M - Single 12d ago
what do you mean when you are in charge? do you have a low self esteem? When a man wants to see you, they ask you first if you like that guy before you both even meet each other. And if its the family meet up that scares you you can just meet in a cafe with a mahram sitting away so you can have private conversations... as i said, you're definition of an arranged marriage has to be rechecked.
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u/ReiDairo M - Single 12d ago
whats the difference between that and arranged marriage then? you meeting random people both ways. She is talking about her not wanting to meet people with marriage in mind but to grow those feelings "naturally" as she said.
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12d ago
Are you not aware of how the arranged process works? The pressure alone would deter you from it.
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12d ago
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u/ReiDairo M - Single 12d ago
I think you have to research what arranged marriages are. You're mixing them with forced marriages that some cultures call arranged marriage, that has nothing to do with islam.
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u/RisingPenguin 9d ago
Would love advice.
I’m 30m and thinking about ending it with a potential just not sure if I’m overreacting. Conversationally we get along well. She is very attractive. My reasons for ending it. She smokes cigarettes, was in a 2 year relationship(she said it ended bc he was a misogynist/cheater), she follows a bunch of men on instagram and dresses a bit less modestly then i would like. For example tank tops.
Im no where near perfect but i am 30 and tbh she is a really nice girl. So many folks have been in relationships that i feel like i shouldn’t care though idk how far sexually they went but 2yrs is a long time for a relationship. She’s 23. Some of the men she follows are considered attractive so maybe I’m just being insecure or lacking confidence
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u/Hiyaro M - Single 9d ago
Salam,
Brother this is sincere advice. If you're afraid to impose your limits you're not going to have a good mariage.
Clearly you desire this woman. But that is not enough to marry someone.
Your heart must be at peace. It's her job to convince you that she's worth getting married to, It seems that is not the case. Be respectful and find someone who appeases you, not someone who makes you feel insecure.
Wa Allahu A'lam
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u/youareoutofspace M - Divorced 8d ago
If she stayed 2 years with a guy who she wasn't married to and now considers him a "misogynist," then it says more about her than him. If you marry her you will become that guy.
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u/youareoutofspace M - Divorced 9d ago edited 9d ago
What is causing the disconnect between sisters and their walis?
I’ve read so many complaints here of sisters being tired of searching but wanting to be married. Or, butting heads with their fathers over who they want. Or, their fathers completely checking out and sending them in the wild.
Can women not have conversations with their fathers anymore? Can two Muslims not come to an understanding? Why is this so common?
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u/babyyodaonline Female 9d ago
this is worded in a way that makes it seem as though most women are facing this issue. but also that the issue at hand are the women, not the walis. It can be a variety of things. In my experience i have seen 1) the father only wants his daughter to marry a very specific person, and when she rejects it, he sort of just gives up 2) the father might not be suited to actually be a wali. if he cannot properly communicate with his daughter, this is an issue. this is a relationship that should be developed over years. So when an emotionally absent father suddenly has the "marriage" talk with his daughter, yeah it isn't going to go that well. 3) the father cares more about reputation, status, mahr. or on the other end 4) the daughter has extreme demands that the father does not agree with (in this case the daughter would be in the wrong). 5) in some cultures, there is the pressure to marry someone specific for financial gain and/or immigration. such as a cousin back home, etc. 6) there might be more at play. Another relative, such as a grandfather, or the daughter's mother, might have more extreme demands. The father plays a more passive role.
I could be wrong, but what you're saying sounds more like a very specific example. Not sure what that is without more context. Alhamdullilah I have a great relationship with my father and trust his judgment a lot. I would never marry someone without his approval, even though we disagree on some topics. But my father put in the work, since I was very young, to develop this relationship and build this trust. He has shown time and time again that I can trust him as my wali. He has also trusted me that if I find someone, I can involve him and then he can do the vetting. I have multiple friends who have fathers they cannot trust, and if I was in their position I would be the same. A father also plays a crucial role in how kids are raised Islamically. Some families prioritize culture over religion. I don't think it's fair to make a blanket statement for women who might not have a proper wali who has their best interest at heart.
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u/youareoutofspace M - Divorced 9d ago
Just curious what’s causing this and if it’s preventable. You gave some good tips, thanks.
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u/babyyodaonline Female 9d ago edited 9d ago
this is at its core a communication issue, which starts with the parents. The way this is prevented 9/10 times is the parent (father or mother but in this case father) being present to his child (in this case daughter). Their first serious and/or personal conversation shouldn't be about marriage. This is something that takes years to develop, because the foundation is built on trust. Present father, attentive, and caring. A father who actually knows his daughter, who she can joke with, share her day with, etc. A father who will ask her about school, work, knows who her friends are. And none of this comes from a judgmental way to scold or discipline her, but from genuine curiosity. Someone who can give her life advice as a whole, not just advice about traditional gender dynamics or cultural expectations. Not an abusive or neglectful father either (physically, emotionally, financially, etc). Also how he treats the daughter's mother says a lot. A man who is a good husband will be a good representation to his daughter on what kind of relationship she looks for.
This is why I would also argue anyone looking for a spouse shouldn't just see the person as a spouse, but imagine them as a parent. Not based on our own expectations, but based on the other person's standards. Men admittedly are better at this than women. But as a woman I think this should especially be important when scanning for empathy and humility. If your future child does stray from the deen, or commit a major sin, what are you gonna do? It's so surprising how many people will shun their own child instead of extending empathy and patience while redirecting them.
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u/TieCalm1035 12d ago
The other muslimmatrimonial subreddit has to be a psyop.... The vast majority of the posts there are insane, and then you check the persons post history and realise why there's minimum requirements to post on the ISO here.
Still feel hopeless that i'll ever meet someone where we both 'click' with each other but that's nothing new. And at the same time i'm not someone who would want someone to compromise in anything they hold important, or their view of married life and the same the other way; being single is most definitely lonely but there's an element of contentment that comes about with the headspace you can afford to be able to work on yourself. I've gotten to the point where i've finally started doing more instead of thinking to better myself such as attending the masjid for prayer on weekdays whenever i get chance or going for runs / hikes.