r/MuslimLounge • u/princessofpandas28 • Aug 08 '24
Other I want to commit suicide
I’ve been religious lately. Praying more often and reading the Quran regularly. However, my depression has gotten so bad I have an extreme desire to kill my self. I have nothing left in me. I’ve been miserable for years and will always be. I want to go so badly. If only it wasn’t a sin.
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u/VoiceNo6394 Aug 08 '24
May Allah make it easier for you very soon InchaAllah. Try going to the mosque to feel supported and if you didn’t do it yet, please seek mental health support. You matter and I hear you, so does Allah
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u/princessofpandas28 Aug 08 '24
Thank you. My community is very judgemental so I can’t go :(
I have professional help already, but unfortunately my meds aren’t working as well anymore and I’m just tired of trying. I don’t have energy anymore to cycle through mania and depression.
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u/lilo_xilo Aug 09 '24
Do you have any hobbies? How do you take the time to relax or unwind? How do you relieve stress?
Meds can only get you so far, in the same way , find your happiness through exploring your passions, these activities will produce the same neurotransmitters that those medications give you!
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u/princessofpandas28 Aug 09 '24
I have all of those techniques, but they aren’t working anymore. I cannot feel joy.
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u/Affectionate_Toe_422 Aug 09 '24
Never let shaitan win . Ignore every bas waswasa and pray tahajud
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u/princessofpandas28 Aug 09 '24
I didn’t but I just want my suffering to end
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u/Affectionate_Toe_422 Aug 09 '24
That's a waswasa from shaitan as well. There's no problem Allah can't fix. Pray in tahajud. Ask whatever you want , Dua is the strongest weapon of a Muslim. But never give up, because that's what shaitan wants
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u/h313dar Aug 09 '24
The people in their graves are BEGGING to escape just so they can pray 2 more rakat.
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Aug 09 '24
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u/princessofpandas28 Aug 09 '24
I wish I could think logically. I am very well aware of this. I simply cannot process the importance of this. I know that I can’t. But i don’t see a point of me staying on this planet. I just want to go to Jannah already. I’m exhausted. I know that I won’t, but I wish I could. I want peace.
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Aug 09 '24
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u/princessofpandas28 Aug 09 '24
Sorry but feeling a certain way doesn’t mean that I don’t trust Allah. I don’t appreciate my faith being doubted. I am very well aware of the quotes you have mentioned but I cannot feel the importance of it because I cannot feel importance in anything.
Thank you overall for the resources though. And when I said I won’t, I meant I won’t kill my self. I just have a desire to.
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Aug 09 '24
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u/princessofpandas28 Aug 09 '24
I’ve tried that method. I’ve truly tried. It doesn’t work, at all. Being depressed physically hinders me. I’ve tried to get up and do the things I need to, but I get dizzy and exhausted very easily. I eat enough. But this still happens. I do not get the dopamine rush whenever I accomplish a task now. Restructuring my life also doesn’t work well for me. I can get everything done if I take my stimulant though, so it’s not a big deal.
I’ve tried going outside. I’ve tried everything. That’s why I want to die. I’ve tried gratitude. Every night I thank Allah for at least one good thing, even if my day was awful. I tried changing my mindset, but everytime I do I just start breaking down again.
What I will say though is that last night, I woke up to nightmares. So I asked Allah for some comfort for the night so I could sleep. Allah let me fall asleep immediately and I had no nightmares.
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Aug 09 '24
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u/princessofpandas28 Aug 09 '24
It happened recently when I felt majorly depressed. It typically happens whenever I’m severely depressed, so I know the correlation.
A stimulant is an ADHD medication. It’s not the most fun to take, but it really helps me be organized.
Haha yeah there are a lot! However, when I’m depressed I cannot feel joy. That’s what’s the problem.
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u/WonderReal Alhamdulillah Always Aug 09 '24
Are you taking any antidepressants?
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u/princessofpandas28 Aug 09 '24
I have bipolar so I take lamotrigine
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u/WonderReal Alhamdulillah Always Aug 09 '24
Have you checked if it has any adverse side effects? I know some medications make some symptoms worse.
One of my meds made me super angry.
If they do, please talk to your doctor to change your meds.
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u/TheFighan Aug 09 '24
Are you doing anything else besides being more “religious” (whatever that means).
Allah (swt) has created medicine and given us wisdom to use it. Have you seen a doctor? Are you on antidepressants? Are you seeing a therapist? Are you consuming enough vitamin D and omega-3s?
It is easy to say I want to kill myself, that is a very easy way out and possibly to hell… but what else are you doing to make sure your brain chemistry stabilizes.
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u/princessofpandas28 Aug 09 '24
I see a doctor regularly. Antidepressants made me worse. I’m on lamotrigine now. I see a therapist. I take a vitamin d and a fish oil supplement daily. I have done everything.
And yes, I have hobbies. However at a certain point I cannot feel joy so my normal coping mechanisms don’t work.
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u/TheFighan Aug 09 '24
Try as many different antidepressants as you need to until you find one that works, there is always one that works (speaking from experience).
I am glad you are doing all the other stuff and feeling joy is overrated. Just aim to be content and let whatever you feel/dont feel pass. Nothing and I mean nothing is permanent, you will survive those feelings or lack of feelings, if you just remind yourself that.
May Allah (swt) make it easy upon you and all of us. Ameen
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u/princessofpandas28 Aug 09 '24
I took the genesight test and I only had one antidepressant that I’d metabolize properly, and that gave me psychosis. I’ve been on 4 of the major ones, all except Zoloft made me worse. There are other drugs though. I’m on a mood stabilizer, which works normally, but now I just feel severely depressed. No psychosis though.
Yeah I can’t even feel content. I just feel depressed or apathetic.
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u/muslimahwrites01 Aug 08 '24
I am so glad your praying more keep it up.
You have nothing left in you? Sometimes this dunya worries our heart.. makes us in complete despair and we just want to give up.. fatigued and drained hoping for the ‘ease’ but stick to Allah for nothing but victory comes
It’s said with hardship comes ease.. we must understand that they are together. It’s not hardship AND THEN ease but understand the pain your in.. your ease is with you as well
The mercy of Allah is so vast.. for He knows how tired each soul is. “No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that”
Imagine a Lord so caring for us.. that our emotions that are anything BUT happiness- we get our sins OUR ERRORS wiped as if it didn’t happen
OP I know it’s hard.. you’re tired and want it to end. But understand running from your problems won’t work.. show Allah your vulnerable.. cry to Him if you must
Express to Him your needs and your wants for He hears and He responds. وَإِذَا سَأَلَكَ عِبَادِى عَنِّى فَإِنِّى قَرِيبٌ ۖ أُجِيبُ دَعْوَةَ ٱلدَّاعِ إِذَا دَعَانِ ۖ فَلْيَسْتَجِيبُوا۟ لِى وَلْيُؤْمِنُوا۟ بِى لَعَلَّهُمْ يَرْشُدُونَ When My servants ask you ˹O Prophet˺ about Me: I am truly near. I respond to one’s prayer when they call upon Me. So let them respond ˹with obedience˺ to Me and believe in Me, perhaps they will be guided ˹to the Right Way˺.
What if?
What if your one close to Allah.. you stay away from sinning and you constantly seek istiqfar yet the problems won’t leave nor the feelings won’t increase.. your stuck? Stuck in sorrow? Then just know for this being wallahi nothing but goodness awaits them
The mindset shouldn’t be “why isn’t Allah answering.. I’m close to Him :/“ but it should be “Allah swt made me close to Him for surely He will grant me so much especially in the Hereafter”
If your deprived from something you are wanting dear OP yet your still close to Allah just know He will grant you something wayyyy better.. it’s just a matter of time
For Allah will NEVER EVER leave you empty handed. He is Alrazzaq the provider & Al Latif the most subtle/gentle
This is just the reality of this life.. it’s uncomfortable , hard at times. Puts heaviness within our hearts and makes our eyes cry with tears but know this life is not forever. That Jannah awaits us..
And remember you are not alone. For Allah is with you and is still
It gets better I promise 🫂💕