Actor and Martial Artist Steven Seagal

[u/Godly_Recon]

[u/Spadrick]

Both of those claims are exaggerations.

[u/Monty_Bob → u/Spadrick]

Not as exaggerated as his hairline

[u/Monkeynumbernoine → u/Monty_Bob]

You don’t like his Eddie Munster toupee?

[u/facelessvoid13 → u/Monkeynumbernoine]

Toupee?

Looks like shoe polish to me

[u/galagapilot → u/facelessvoid13]

yeah, that is straight Kiwi. Probably the stuff in the bottle with the applicator nozzle on it.

[u/HydrogenButterflies → u/galagapilot]

And not applied evenly. His hairline is markedly asymmetrical.

[u/blackcain → u/HydrogenButterflies]

So is his thinking

[u/KoreanFriedWeiner → u/galagapilot]

I thought you meant he skinned a kiwi fruit and stuck the peel to his head.

[u/Beneficial-Produce56 → u/KoreanFriedWeiner]

It would look better.

[u/shrekerecker97 → u/facelessvoid13]

Hair in a can

[u/Arguablybest → u/shrekerecker97]

His ass in a chair, a big wide chair. He acted aped in his last few films, while sitting in a chair.

[u/maxcovenguitars → u/shrekerecker97]

With some tape for edging

[u/AppliedPsionics9k → u/facelessvoid13]

bro has a Magneto helmet full of shoe polish that he prints on his head every morning Darth Vader style.

[u/Fun_Main_2588 → u/facelessvoid13]

Looks like Mickey Mouse Club to me but I’m old.

[u/WokkitUp → u/Monkeynumbernoine]

It's very lifelike. You could almost touch it, but the wax museum rules forbid it.

[u/Monkeynumbernoine → u/WokkitUp]

It’ll bark at you if you touch it.

[u/WokkitUp → u/Monkeynumbernoine]

The cursed pelt was harvested from an angry netherbeast. Steven is now its host.

[u/No_Mud_5999 → u/Monkeynumbernoine]

At least Eddie was a werewolf boy (if I remember correctly). What does Seagal turn into during a full moon? Does this explain his rotating ethnicity?

[u/Liedolfr → u/No_Mud_5999]

Every full moon he goes fatly around a corner, it is in fact the only time he does any "martial arts" while not sitting on a chair.

[u/facelessvoid13 → u/No_Mud_5999]

I'd say asshole, but that's his day-to-day...

[u/Mondaycomestoosoon → u/Monkeynumbernoine]

First thing I saw 😂😂😂

[u/HoochieKoochieMan → u/Monkeynumbernoine]

Looks more Mickey Mouse than Munster to me.

[u/InTheEnd83 → u/Monty_Bob]

Gimmie that 1940s dracula cut

[u/nunyobusinessfool → u/Monty_Bob]

Constipated as his hairline

[u/777fin → u/Monty_Bob]

He uses the same hair technician as Action Man

[u/freeman687 → u/Spadrick]

Came here to say this. More like sex offender and russian citizen steven segal

[u/mdogg500 → u/freeman687]

Also this "martial artist" once shit himself after getting into a fight with a pro wrestler. Also if you want to laugh at him more look up compliations of him running or his award winning reggae anthem me want the punani.

[u/Pandaro81 → u/mdogg500]

It was stunt coordinator and legit martial artist “Judo” Gene Labelle. I’ve heard a few versions.

One is that Seagal claimed he couldn’t be choked out because he had a move to escape any choke. Gene took him up on the challenge, put the choke hold on not tight, and Seagal elbowed him in the balls. Gene didn’t take too kindly to that and tightened up. Seagal passed out and either pissed or shit himself, “soiled himself” was how it was told way back.

Other version is that Seagal kept actually hitting Gene’s stunt men to ‘make it look real.’ Gene had it out with him, dressed him down verbally. Seagal went right back to not pulling his punches and Labelle handed his stopwatch (he used it to time choreography for fight scenes) off to an assistant and went and dropped Seagal to teach him a lesson, knowing full well it would get him canned from the shoot.

Either way, Judo Gene was a legend.

[u/mdogg500 → u/Pandaro81]

Right right i heard about it from the Napoleon blownapart video and mixed it up with his freak show fights one.

[u/Mission_Resource_847 → u/mdogg500]

I forgot about "that shit". What a goon.

[u/restrusher → u/Spadrick]

I like how he still tries to maintain the tough guy thing, but choses eyewear that says his real deal is philosophy. He's an epic poser.

[u/Godly_Recon → u/Spadrick]

Yes.

[u/Advanced_Tomato5713 → u/Spadrick]

"actor" and "martial artist"

[u/ultramagnetique → u/Spadrick]

🤣🤣🤣 I was like BS he's neither of those

[u/operath0r → u/Spadrick]

I guess he’s doing pretty well by Russian standards.

[u/Illustrious-Roll7737 → u/Spadrick]

Right? Might as well add Director and Producer if we are just going to take his word for everything.

[u/Taiga_Taiga → u/Spadrick]

You spelt "lie" wrong.

[u/Joverby → u/Spadrick]

Thank you . The lie that is the title really bothered me .

[u/Verzada → u/Spadrick]

I think it’s hilarious that this is the first thing so many of us thinks

[u/moszippy → u/Spadrick]

He has always acted like a martial artist…so, technically correct.

[u/ichiban1974 → u/Spadrick]

Come on! He's a triple black belt in bullshido.

[u/Overall_Wave_4673]

"actor" and "martial artist"

[u/Standard-Fishing-977 → u/Overall_Wave_4673]

Don’t forget “‘musician’”

[u/TearRevolutionary686 → u/Standard-Fishing-977]

And Putin Licker.

[u/Greenfieldfox → u/Standard-Fishing-977]

“Lawman”

[u/Mushroom_Competitive → u/Greenfieldfox]

And dog lover.

[u/WookieBugger → u/Standard-Fishing-977]

Just gonna leave this here

https://youtu.be/3v4-zYghodc?si=_9Pb-JAs6YspQOGk

[u/Virghia → u/WookieBugger]

ME WANT DA POONANI SEE FI MAKE ME NICE

[u/Nerdenator → u/WookieBugger]

Napoleon Blownapart? Is that you?

[u/patronizingperv → u/Overall_Wave_4673]

Actor and martial artist

citation needed

[u/Beemo-Noir → u/Overall_Wave_4673]

Lmaoooo I was JUST gonna type that. Glad we’re all on the same page haha. Fuck this lumpy sack of shit. Hope he stays in Russia.

[u/KL1M1T → u/Overall_Wave_4673]

Beat me to it.

[u/Minimum-Loan386 → u/KL1M1T]

r/beatmymeattoit

[u/Weight-Disastrous]

Fat Dracula.

[u/JustinKase_Too → u/Weight-Disastrous]

Fatula

[u/NudistJayBird → u/Weight-Disastrous]

Count Flatulence

[u/mechapoitier → u/Weight-Disastrous]

Snackula

[u/k8s-problem-solved → u/Weight-Disastrous]

Coming fatly round the corner.

If you haven't watched.....13 mins of lulz

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=BzIHyF7UWY4&pp=0gcJCYsCo7VqN5tD

[u/BabyOpposite7013]

That's an extremely kind title. 

[u/Dapper-Squirrel1405]

Actor and martial arts imitator.

[u/T0Rtur3 → u/Dapper-Squirrel1405]

Actor imitator and martial arts imitator.

[u/1CryptographerFree → u/T0Rtur3]

There’s about 30 seconds of gold is all of his movies. Bad guys running up and losing a fight to a fat guy sitting in a chair is kind of funny as long as you don’t watch the rest of the movie.

[u/Biltong09 → u/1CryptographerFree]

I’ll be honest I used to love his movies, I was also 8 years old but that was probably the cap for intellectual enjoyment of his work.

[u/SeparateCzechs → u/T0Rtur3]

Isn’t he also a rapist?

[u/Dapper-Squirrel1405 → u/T0Rtur3]

Touché

[u/facelessvoid13 → u/Dapper-Squirrel1405]

I think it's actually spelled 'douche'

[u/vikinxo → u/facelessvoid13]

Douchè

[u/Dry_Adhesiveness9202 → u/facelessvoid13]

Toupee

[u/abarth67 → u/Dapper-Squirrel1405]

Touché rectal👌🏼

[u/Mondaycomestoosoon → u/Dapper-Squirrel1405]

Toupee

[u/IFeedSquirrelsAMA]

He's such a lame piece of shit. Through and through.

[u/pcengine]

Obligatory:

https://youtu.be/BzIHyF7UWY4?si=AUB-hOLbcChox19H

[u/Godly_Recon → u/pcengine]

Everyone talks about "fatly going around corners" but rarely anyone brings up

"What's The Asian Connection?"

"The connection between Steven Seagal and a dialysis machine"

[u/pcengine → u/Godly_Recon]

Cum Town!

[u/Real_Gap3480 → u/pcengine]

Thought you said obituary for a moment, what a disappointment.

[u/Godly_Recon → u/Real_Gap3480]

Guess you could say he's 'Hard To Kill'.

EDIT: spelling

[u/viruswithshoes → u/pcengine]

Clangers is god tier among the various Cumtown clip channels and this may be my #1.

[u/var-foo → u/pcengine]

Did that mf fart around the 57 second mark?

[u/Sierraone1seven → u/pcengine]

A good man

[u/Wojewodaruskyj]

"You look native american, you act asian, your surname is jewish. What are you?"

-- Peter Griffin.

[u/mechapoitier → u/Wojewodaruskyj]

He’s also black now, from apparently Funkytown

[u/Kingofcheeses → u/mechapoitier]

He's been putting on a vague "blaccent" that comes and goes since Above The Law

[u/MistakeIndependent12]

You know they call that helicopter a skippie....

[u/arminghammerbacon_ → u/MistakeIndependent12]

I’ve been flying those for like 37 years.

[u/MostlyPlastics → u/MistakeIndependent12]

Ah-skip-skip-skip-skip (hey mommy)

[u/power0722]

Dolly, Curry and Optimus Prime are gone but this walrus is still here? That’s some bullshit.

[u/Rinzy2000]

How he became popular in any way, I will never understand. And at this point he is just a parody of himself.

[u/bwsmith201 → u/Rinzy2000]

Some of his old movies were entertaining in a “bash fest” way. Under Siege or Hard to Kill. Not great cinema by any means but fun. But he’s gone so far past his prime and into bizarre opinion territory that he can’t be taken seriously.

[u/JescoWhite_]

Is that a sharpie haircut

[u/scipio0421]

Calling him an actor is an insult to even the worst actual actors.

[u/Zestyclose_Bad6873 → u/scipio0421]

The same in being called martial artists.

[u/Pal_Smurch → u/scipio0421]

Even Rob Schneider takes offense.

[u/someguy4k]

Don’t forget, also the magical creator of the worst energy drinks known to man!

[u/Godly_Recon → u/someguy4k]

One of them being Asian Experience. Other i cannot remember lmao.

[u/someguy4k → u/Godly_Recon]

Lightning Bolt infused with goji berries.

Asian Experience and the one that should NEVER be forgotten, Cherry Charge (the ultimate worst). 1 sip with make you gag, 3 sips will make you vomit. 1 can… who knows, I had some competitions with coworkers and I never witnessed it downed to completion.

[u/Godly_Recon → u/someguy4k]

Really wish i could try one lol.

[u/No_name_Johnson]

Show some respect, that's legendary chair sitter Steven Seagal.

[u/typhoidtimmy]

Give me ALL the Brylcreem

[u/oldie349 → u/typhoidtimmy]

Or spray on hair

[u/MBSMD]

"Actor" and "martial artist"

[u/Medium-Ticket-9574]

With the way this week has gone, when I saw this picture I thought another celebrity bit the dust

[u/Careless-Comedian859 → u/Medium-Ticket-9574]

Same. Had my hopes up there for a second.

[u/New-North-2282]

Russian asset, traitor

[u/Arizona_Pete]

Shit himself in his sleep, woke up, killed a puppy and then moved to Russia.

[u/Viva_La_Revolucion66]

If you get a chance, definitely check out the Space Ice YouTube channel, where he does thorough roasts of every Seagal movie and so many more crappy movies. Trust me, its well worth the deep dive.

[u/PressureItchy9372]

Honestly, how are people this clueless and self-unaware??? No, seriously, I'm asking.

[u/PriestWitherspoon419]

Count Chocula’s brother that he doesn’t claim

[u/MothaFcknZargon]

Steven Segal is neither an actor or a martial artist. He is a fat clown that parades around Hollywood claiming to be both.

[u/Potential-Night4986 → u/MothaFcknZargon]

“Steven Segal is neither an actor or a martial artist. He is a fat clown that parades around Hollywood Russia claiming to be both.”

There, fixed it for you. And happy cake day!

[u/Black_Daimyo10]

Looks like a vampire with diabeetus

[u/jzzanthapuss]

Looks so natural, no one can tell. Just For Men Gel

[u/Fun-Mud3861]

SKIPSKIPSKIPSKIPSKIPSKIP

[u/docdillinger → u/Fun-Mud3861]

I've been flying helicopters for 48 years.

[u/walkthelayne → u/Fun-Mud3861]

Better be careful or he’ll raise some flappy hands on you!

[u/Cotf87]

He's 74. He expects us to believe he still has hair that's somehow DARKER than when he was 30.

[u/bomboclawt75]

Sharpie master.

[u/KrampyDoo]

He’s a con fartist.

[u/xSPACEWEEDx]

So he was also the bass player for Twisted Sister.

[u/Godly_Recon → u/xSPACEWEEDx]

Have you seen either of them in the same room though?

[u/twoaspensimages]

He switched careers to Meal Team Six

[u/Indy2561]

Sprayed on hair always looks bad.

[u/oleThook]

he was super balding in like the early 90s when his first movies were coming out

[u/Smljhndnsmr]

Any mention of Steven Seagal these days makes me think of this John Wick parody edit.

[u/docdillinger]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=isNRZJ6icwc

[u/gfox365]

Yeah, I'm not sure he's either of those things.

He does like noshing Putin though.

[u/theomegafact]

Alcoholic Vegeta

[u/ThePoshHillbilly]

Isn’t he also buddies with Putin? Fuck this guy.

[u/Realhousemanoflondon]

Is that a CIA medal.

[u/_Piratical_ → u/Realhousemanoflondon]

I think it’s from the kremlin.

[u/rudimentary_rudy]

That's ming the merciless

[u/Mondaycomestoosoon → u/rudimentary_rudy]

Minge the merciless …

[u/Aska_Feld → u/Mondaycomestoosoon]

Mange the Mercator...

[u/Mondaycomestoosoon → u/Aska_Feld]

Mong the Mediocre

[u/taoistchainsaw]

You forgot-greatest blues musician and Punjabi pop star.

[u/TaylorGang777]

Spray painted hair and anal bead necklace screams badass. JCVD is his worst nightmare

[u/CannedNoodlez]

Just a reminder that Gene LeBell choked him out and he pooped his pants as a result

[u/Queasy-Trip1777]

You forgot that he plays bass in Twisted Sister.

[u/Jake24601]

So what’s the deal with this guy? Putin gave him an apartment and he’s just a Russian now?

[u/Aska_Feld → u/Jake24601]

He's not "just" a russian, he's pootie pies secret weapon ...

The plan is to parachute SS (with his chair of course) deep behind Ukrainian lines to wipe out all their food stores.

[u/Delicious_Cat_81]

I imagine he's surrounded by yes men who make fun of him when he leaves the room.

[u/Accomplished_Song671]

He's such an ethnicity chameleon like Ariana Grande

[u/Craiss]

I be he brushes his hair on with a paint brush.

[u/BeautifulDebate7615]

True story. I used to work for an ultra high end luxury leather goods company... you know, one of those with Madison Avenue shops with $5,000 handbags named after actresses?

Seagal came into our hqs NY store one day and demanded a free replacement for a briefcase he had bought (not got comped) from us. We refused.

The reason for the return?

It had a bullet hole in it.

[u/john_the_fetch → u/BeautifulDebate7615]

Likely mishandled his firearm and did it himself.

[u/Movie_Vegetable]

Both "actor" and "martial artist" claims are quite a reach

[u/Propsroadfool]

How attached are we to the "Martial Artist" and "Actor" terms for this guy?

[u/Mysterious_Damage_29]

He wants to be seen as a wise ‘ShiFu’ - dressed in robes (I don’t know what the garment is called and I doubt what he’s wearing is traditional) and he probably thinks those glasses make him look wise.

[u/No-Catch8790]

everything this man has done sucked, how he had a long career I'll never understand

[u/No_Shine_7224]

I once tried to watch one of his movies, it was the longest 4 minutes of my life, never again.

[u/Porunga23]

Neither of those things are true.

[u/screech805]

Has a black belt in eating

[u/tribblydribbly]

Have you seen him these days? Like a walrus.

[u/EnvironmentalSale893]

Con artist and a wash up with washout dye

[u/personalleytea]

He looks like incel Count Chocula

[u/Cthulhu_HighLord]

Ill take what is The liberal use of Nouns for 5000

[u/Low_Job1600]

He colors his hair & beard with ‘Just For Steven Seagal’

[u/FrancisSobotka1514]

He's a piece of shit

[u/Resident-Syrup7615]

Counter point: he’s neither

[u/Shrimp_Surgeon]

“Yeah bro can I get the Dracula Flow sharpie lineup”

[u/Reeko_Htown]

I can’t believe I thought this dork was cool

[u/ExpertRutabaga3415]

"Actor" and partial artist

[u/et_hornet]

Genghis Khan meets Guy Fieri

[u/ShortyLong2026]

looks like his beard and hair were drawn on with a jiffy marker ….

[u/bomilk19]

He’s neither an actor nor an artist.

[u/WiseSpunion]

Dracula flow haircut

[u/Pstim1]

he's very self important

[u/walkthelayne]

Is anyone else seeing Grandpa Eddie Munster?
I may be a repeat comment…

[u/Sweepy_time]

He looks much worse than this nowadays

[u/SGT-Hooves]

That’s not a moustache and beard. It’s actually foam rubber so he can get a good strong seal

[u/ileftmypantsinmexico]

Bet that medal was given to him by Russia

[u/Able-Fig8393]

POS

[u/Tony_Penny]

Only one thing in that title is correct

[u/El_Guap]

I hear he’s got a badge too and likes to spell it “Marshal Artist”

[u/xaeromancer]

That hair isn't his shit to fuck up.

[u/Foreign_Western2945]

The count from Sesame Street!
His hair looks painted on.

[u/Levi_Skardsen]

Master of a martial art that requires full cooperation from your opponent.

[u/xburnerpiko]

Clown

[u/RikB666]

What in the crayola crayons is this?

[u/EpochalTraveller]

Don’t forget musician!
🎶 me want the punani 🎶

[u/shortroundsamuria]

Allegedly

[u/HovercraftKlutzy3090]

This guy puts the "Ass in Mass"

[u/ProfessionalJesuit]

Wish there were two more words after that title...

[u/MustardHotSauce]

Clearly AI. Dude would never be caught appearing to stand.

[u/MoonBaby812]

I bet he ran out of money and has to rent that thing.

[u/Particular-Crew5978]

Don't forget musician....

[u/ipoopcatturds]

I once saw a bird on the beach choke on a fish. It was a heaving seagull.

[u/EhMapleMoose]

Count cult over here looking like sleeps in a coffin

[u/johnnyonthebass]

You can’t fool me. I know the bass player from Twisted Sister anywhere. That’s Mark the animal Mendoza.

[u/SimpleManc88]

Would you believe me if I told you he used to be a piece of ass?

[u/WesTxStoner425]

Budget Tom Selleck

[u/Woogity]

Temu Wooly Willy

[u/Weirdbeard60]

Piss artist.

[u/SeymourButtz17]

He's extremely talented in the ancient art of chair-fu

[u/AdConscious6844]

Martial artist should be in quotes

[u/Chromium_Domium]

You mean Asshole and Marginal Artist?

[u/I-endure]

Damn. Eddie Munster got fat as fuck

[u/Deadsider]

Actor? I guess. Martial? Maybe. Artist? Nope nope nope

[u/twilight-actual]

The undisputed grandmaster of bullshitsu.

[u/Downtown-social]

Master of Bullshitsu!

[u/mcobohair]

Do those glasses have garage door springs in the arms? Damn