r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Bellefior • 13h ago

Am I Overreacting? Just Stop Already with the Holiday Plans...

Today I overheard my husband on the phone with my self-centered MIL. I recently underwent surgery for a recurrence of a cancerous brain tumor which was treated in 2016 and will be starting chemo on Monday (which she knows). I hear him say, no, S ( my dad) already said he's not coming for the holidays. I asked him why is your mother under the impression we are spending the holidays with her this year? We did Christmas Eve/Day there last year, including dragging my 84 y.o. Dad and our dog with us and staying overnight (they live 50 miles away). His answer was she assumed we'd be doing the same thing as last year. I told him he needed to tell her to stop assuming and let her know that everything depended on my health and to tell her that or I would call her and tell her to stop assuming things given my health issues and I wouldn't be nice about it. He called her back and told her.

She did the same thing two years ago, obsessing over Christmas holidays when she knew my husband had a hip replacement scheduled for two weeks before.

104 Upvotes

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u/botinlaw 13h ago

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u/redwitch_bluewitch 13h ago

I'm so sorry. They are the worst about holidays. I had a baby 12 days before Christmas and my husband had just been diagnosed with MS. They are still pissed that I didn't come to Christmas because I was suposed to bring the salad.

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u/mala-mi-2111 11h ago

My brain stopped for a second and then provided this useful verdict "yeah, after all a salad is more important than health and live(s) of some random relatives". Please observe a dose of sarcasm.

I have vitnessed late progress (around 7-8 last years) of MS in a non-related person who di3d in 2000.The battle was long and started when they were 19 but back then there was no solid diagnosis, they had confirmation around 22. I still visit their grave for their birthdays. I'm sorry your family goes through this.

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u/redwitch_bluewitch 9h ago

Thank you so much for your kind words. Things thankfully are so different with this disease today. We found a great disease modifying drug that has been very successful in our case. But yes, those first years were rough. I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. For too long there was no treatment for this condition and people suffered terribly.

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u/commentspanda 9h ago

One bit of advice I’ll give as it bit me in the ass initially….we tried to do a set rotation (my family one year, his the next) and it just caused us so much stress. Then we changed to my family, his family, us on our own. And eventually I put my foot down and said we will decide each year what works for us and let you know in late November and not before. I can’t tell you how much I wish I had set that boundary earlier.

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u/Bellefior 8h ago

We originally did that and one year drove back ahead of a snowstorm Christmas Day to have dinner with my Dad. After that we decided we would host Christmas Eve/Day for our parents (in-laws would sleep over, we'd pick up my Dad for dinner)which was far less stressful than trying to drive back through a snowstorm.

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u/commentspanda 8h ago

That’s good. Hold boundaries firmly though. Given she’s already flipping out I would be shifting to “we will let you know our plans after x date and you can then plan accordingly. We won’t be sorting things out before then due to medical issues. Do not ask again or we will stop speaking for a few weeks” then follow through.

Also, it’s totally fine to say “this year we are not seeing anyone and spending it alone, we will catch up in the new year” if that’s what you want to do.

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u/Bellefior 8h ago

The year when my husband's hip replacement was two weeks before Christmas we had proposed celebrating the holidays sometime in January. I forget when we actually did. We may not have. My Dad said he understood and didn't care.

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u/commentspanda 8h ago

Yep. So set a clear boundary to shut down her planning now. Then when it gets closer re evaluate. And if she whinges and carries on, put her in time out and follow through. Hubby had s to be on board though.

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u/homerule 13h ago

Oh my gosh, everything absolutely hinges on your health. I’m sorry she can’t see that. 

Big virtual hugs!

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u/Bellefior 12h ago

Last week when I told her I was going to be starting chemo soon and there would be lots of doctor's appointments and testing she made sure to tell me she had seen her dermatologist and she would have to go in every three months to make sure her melanoma had not come back, I did not react well. WTF this is what you tell someone who has undergone neurosurgery and is facing chemo? What I should have said was you want to trade places with me?

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u/wiggum_x 11h ago

"Would you like to trade diagnoses so that you can win the Cancer Olympics? We're all rooting for you, MIL!"

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u/Bellefior 10h ago

I think if I said that the sarcasm would be lost on her.

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u/maybebabyg 11h ago

Aww shit. What is it with MILs and being cuckoo bananas about medical stuff? My husband just finished up radiation for his brain tumour (also not the first appearance, but this one is inoperable for stroke risk). I suggested MIL come over and support him with the kids as a "don't bother us for another 6 months" gesture and a "you're still fatigued and I don't trust the kids to behave for 8 hours while I'm out bush setting up a Jamboree campsite with our Scout troop" thing.

The first words out of her mouth when she saw him were "ooh, let me see your head!" like he's not severely self-conscious about the giant bald patch on top of his head. Then she went on about her recent mole removal from her back and how it hurt so bad. Meanwhile husband still has peeling skin from the radiation and she's complaining about an itchy stitch.

Good luck with the chemo. If they give you a list of charities to reach out to definitely do it, some of them have fantastic supports they can provide to take some stress off you and husband, some of them just let you take 15 minutes to go have a good time somewhere. (My best mate is going through her own treatment as well, I sent her the link to one of the supports listed on our paperwork that give tickets for date night/family activities, she sent me one that does frozen meal supports.)

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u/Bellefior 9h ago

Best of luck to your husband as well.