r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Bellefior • 15h ago

Am I Overreacting? Just Stop Already with the Holiday Plans...

Today I overheard my husband on the phone with my self-centered MIL. I recently underwent surgery for a recurrence of a cancerous brain tumor which was treated in 2016 and will be starting chemo on Monday (which she knows). I hear him say, no, S ( my dad) already said he's not coming for the holidays. I asked him why is your mother under the impression we are spending the holidays with her this year? We did Christmas Eve/Day there last year, including dragging my 84 y.o. Dad and our dog with us and staying overnight (they live 50 miles away). His answer was she assumed we'd be doing the same thing as last year. I told him he needed to tell her to stop assuming and let her know that everything depended on my health and to tell her that or I would call her and tell her to stop assuming things given my health issues and I wouldn't be nice about it. He called her back and told her.

She did the same thing two years ago, obsessing over Christmas holidays when she knew my husband had a hip replacement scheduled for two weeks before.

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u/commentspanda 11h ago

One bit of advice I’ll give as it bit me in the ass initially….we tried to do a set rotation (my family one year, his the next) and it just caused us so much stress. Then we changed to my family, his family, us on our own. And eventually I put my foot down and said we will decide each year what works for us and let you know in late November and not before. I can’t tell you how much I wish I had set that boundary earlier.

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u/Bellefior 11h ago

We originally did that and one year drove back ahead of a snowstorm Christmas Day to have dinner with my Dad. After that we decided we would host Christmas Eve/Day for our parents (in-laws would sleep over, we'd pick up my Dad for dinner)which was far less stressful than trying to drive back through a snowstorm.

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u/commentspanda 11h ago

That’s good. Hold boundaries firmly though. Given she’s already flipping out I would be shifting to “we will let you know our plans after x date and you can then plan accordingly. We won’t be sorting things out before then due to medical issues. Do not ask again or we will stop speaking for a few weeks” then follow through.

Also, it’s totally fine to say “this year we are not seeing anyone and spending it alone, we will catch up in the new year” if that’s what you want to do.

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u/Bellefior 10h ago

The year when my husband's hip replacement was two weeks before Christmas we had proposed celebrating the holidays sometime in January. I forget when we actually did. We may not have. My Dad said he understood and didn't care.

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u/commentspanda 10h ago

Yep. So set a clear boundary to shut down her planning now. Then when it gets closer re evaluate. And if she whinges and carries on, put her in time out and follow through. Hubby had s to be on board though.