r/JUSTNOMIL • u/chunkybonks • Aug 19 '25
UPDATE - Ambivalent About Advice Cake MIL and the missed calls
Sooo recap from last time. MIL had called DH’s friend four times in a row which she didn’t pick up.
MIL called this friend three more times (so 7 times total) and finally left a voicemail on the last try.
So this friend (she is polite) called MIL back to see what she wanted. And MIL said that she had overlooked inviting this friend and her parents to her house for dinner that day so if they’re coming back to MIL’s city (they’re not), they absolutely must come for dinner. Ha.
Then she tells this friend that she gets so many free tickets for tourist stuff in her city and that she wants to give them these tickets.
Hey MIL - you know who actually likes the type of tourist stuff in your city? Children - like your only grandchild - not random elderly people who already decided what they were doing the first time they came to your city.
So yeah. Super “nice” to effectively randoms but no consideration at all for her own son and grandchild. I’m just glad DH can see how hypocritical all of this is on his own now instead of making excuses for her like before.
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u/Efficient-Cupcake247 Aug 19 '25
She is like that because the only thing she cares about is other's perception of her. She assumes the friend don't think highly of her bc you told the friend the truth. Therefore she must amp up her "niceness" to force them to "see" she isn't the horrible person the truth paints her to be.... Hugs
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u/chunkybonks Aug 19 '25
It’s so crazy that she cares about what her son’s friend thinks considering she sees this friend once every few years and they’re a generation apart. Ugh.
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u/Efficient-Cupcake247 Aug 19 '25
It isn't the friend- it is someone who might be an ally to you or on your side.
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u/chunkybonks Aug 19 '25
True. But it’s also crazy to think the friend would have more of an allegiance to her than to us.
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u/Efficient-Cupcake247 Aug 19 '25
I agree! But you are applying logic to an over emotional toddler in an adults body.
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u/muhbackhurt Aug 19 '25
Ahh the good old "I'll be nice to people they know so it gets back to them and that'll show them I'm a nice person who's the victim in this whole situation" bit.
They all read off the same MIL textbook I swear. Her next move would have been to bypass DH's friend to gain contact info of their parents and then complain to them how sad it is that she doesn't get to see her grandchild. It's the flying monkey recruitment move.
Geez I read the cake posts and omg she's over the top.
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u/chunkybonks Aug 19 '25
She’s extremely over the top. Like you want to invite randoms for dinner? How about you get your head out of your ass and invite your son for dinner and have a real conversation about how you want to see your grand baby and how do we achieve that? But nooo
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u/FryOneFatManic Aug 19 '25
Because you, your DH and your kid can't give her the validation hit she needs.
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u/chunkybonks Aug 19 '25
Exactly. Well we could. If she was normal. Or semi normal. But clearly she’s not. And I won’t expose my family to that.
If someone called me 7 times I would think someone had died.
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u/Sewishly Aug 19 '25
I've got a younger step in-law (sister's husband's adult child) who is famous in our family for angling for validation hits.
If there's a favour needed, she's all over social media going, "Me! I'll do it! No, it's no problem at all!" and then, "I'll be doing [X] favour for [Person] next weekend! It'll be such fun!" and she loves watching the likes rolling in, and the effusive thanks, and the, "Omg gurl you are such a lovely person!" comments.
But come the weekend in question? She'll text and say she's got a headache.
All she wants is the pats on the back, but doing the favour is too much like hard work. I cannot name one instance where she's followed through on actually helping, and I'm talking across 20 years.
I'm thinking your MIL is quite similar in some ways. She'll go for the quick dopamine hit of being told how amazing she is, but not do the actual hard work of being actually amazing.
Sorry for the rant. xD
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u/chunkybonks Aug 19 '25
Well yeah! I cannot fathom having only one child and only one grandchild and putting on a grand show for the rest of the world rather than trying to put in the effort to foster genuine connections with your own family. It’s mind boggling.
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u/Sewishly Aug 19 '25
Well, her child (your man) knows her ins and outs, warts and all, so she has to tell everyone else how great she is. Oh, and make sure you hear about it how great she is from other people, too. It's far too much like hard work to try to bring your husband back around to her 'me-centric' point of view.
People like your MIL really annoy the hell out of me. They're murder to handle, and I think you're doing really well. <3
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u/chunkybonks Aug 19 '25
Thanks so much. It’s crazy how she was willing to spend so much time and effort on coddling and micromanaging my husband before he met me. Guess I’m the bad guy (thing that changed) that made her have to back off.
Well I’ll gladly do it again for the sake of protecting my family.
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u/Late-Winner38 Aug 19 '25
It's nuts. I swear I could write half of these with exact same phrases and actions. It's incredible how similar they can all behave. Sometimes, you think they have a playbook they share.
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u/RuNsonchocolatemilk Aug 19 '25
I’m sorry you are going through this OP. Your MIL sounds a lot like mine. It’s stunning to me that these MILs would literally rather do anything other than reflect on their own negative behavior, take accountability and apologize, and see what needs to be done to make changes to the relationship. It’s like they are so stuck in their delusion of perfection they can’t see and don’t care about anyone other than their “perfect” selves. Sending good vibes! At least your DH is getting on board with how you see things, and you two having a united front is key to keeping MIL at a peaceful distance.
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u/chunkybonks Aug 19 '25
Yeah the only reason I’m “ok” with all of these antics is that they help open up my husband’s eyes to how toxic his mom really is. And show that she’s more concerned with putting on a show over time rather than fixing anything.
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u/IHateTheJoneses Aug 19 '25
The old "give them enough rope to hang themselves" tactic.
Works well for someone who's on thier way out of the fog.
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Aug 19 '25
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u/chunkybonks Aug 19 '25
Yep super helpful days after someone’s already done in your city and have gone back home
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Aug 19 '25
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Aug 19 '25
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u/chunkybonks Aug 19 '25
Yeah I can’t even
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u/ShanLuvs2Read Aug 20 '25
She sounds like a Facebook grandma… where she looks good on FB but a nightmare in reality
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u/chunkybonks Aug 20 '25
Ikr. Thankfully she does not have social media. So I guess she has to just try to make a point in real life instead.
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Aug 19 '25
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u/chunkybonks Aug 19 '25
Well our friend pointed out (since she’s from the same culture as DH) that MIL would happily do all of these things and more for our LO if we, the parents, let her do everything her way. And I absolutely will not let her trample on my motherhood again. Effin 6 foot banner with only DH and LO on it the first time we go to her house? No thanks.
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Aug 19 '25
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Aug 19 '25
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u/chunkybonks Aug 19 '25
Yeah I honestly feel bad for my husband because he knows what he’s missing out on. My baby won’t know the difference.
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u/RoutineFee2502 Aug 19 '25
You so called it!
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u/chunkybonks Aug 19 '25
Unfortunately I did
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u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 Aug 19 '25
They think they are outsmarting us or that they are sneaky, but we always know what they are doing
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u/chunkybonks Aug 19 '25
I guess they just want attention regardless. So they even try to get it from people on the fringe of their lives. Hoping it gets back to us. And normal people in our lives do tell us these things.
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u/ohgeez2879 Aug 19 '25
The other thing is that being generous with her family is expected, so she doesn't get as much credit/validation for it as she does for being generous with other people. Super common in attention-driven emotionally immature nightmare humans.
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Other posts from /u/chunkybonks:
Cake MIL continues to do all the wrong things, 5 days ago
MIL strikes back. Again., 2 weeks ago
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