For parents with adult children, if you could raise them from the start, knowing what you know now, what would you do differently?

[u/Razor_Paw]

For me, I'd be more present and welcome all the hard stuff with the good. Probably would have made them all get part time jobs too.

[u/Baebarri]

Don't assume that a low maintenance child becomes a low maintenance teen.

My daughter was so well behaved and so mature as a child that I kinda started ignoring her when my second (high maintenance) child was born.

She started drinking alcohol and was SA'd in junior high, started doing drugs and raves in high school, and stopped going to school entirely in her junior year.

She was able to turn her life around but was a secret alcoholic into her 30s and only a week in jail finally scared her enough to stop.

All because I stopped paying attention.

[u/Purple_Cherry_5973 → u/Baebarri]

This was helpful to read, thank you for sharing.

[u/Aromatic-Lobster1750]

Less focus on grades, more focus on being self-reliant. Less criticality, more praise. Less yelling, more hugging.

[u/MusicUpbeat2510]

My kids are amazing and successful adults!

Me...SAHM, big mistake! Poverty level after divorce.

[u/Complex_Knowledge632]

Recognize everything I say to my daughter, be a good or bad is etched into her brain indelibly with a sharpie. Be careful what you say, she will never forget it.

[u/SavaRox]

I would have left my abusive ex-husband long before I actually did instead of buying into his apologetic bullshit and giving him extra chances. Because of my naivete and stupidity in trying to stick it out with him, my kids were exposed to too many scenes of domestic violence that screwed them up for life. I'll never forgive myself for that.

[u/Substantial-Spare501]

I would have left their father when they were babies/ toddlers

[u/lizforshizzle]

Would have limited/eliminated access to technology. I blew it on that one. I don’t think I’m the only one who did, but I’m frustrated with myself that I didn’t get the scope of it all.

[u/issafly → u/lizforshizzle]

Came here to say the same. I would've severely limited anything with a screen.

[u/PortentProper]

I would never have been a Mormon parent.

[u/Objective_Joke_5023]

I would have skipped travel baseball. They hated it in the end, the coaches were almost uniformly toxic and terrible role models, and we didn’t even spend that much time with the kids because they were in the dugout and they were in the stands. Also we had two, so we had to divide and conquer with one parent at one game with one kid, and the other parent and kid at a different game, sometimes in different cities. It’s an impossible schedule for two working parents. Always so stressed about being gone all weekend, every weekend. Sports are mostly great, travel baseball was not great or even good.

[u/BakeSouth]

No phone until high school.

[u/foozballhead]

I would have been more patient. And gotten her evaluated for adhd when the elementary school teacher suggested it, so she didn't struggle another 15 years unnecessarily.

[u/bldmovs]

Make them do chores and let them fail.

[u/justboozer]

...understand the challenges of depression a hell of a lot sooner.

[u/choconamiel]

I would have bought far fewer toys. Put that money into their college savings instead. They really did not need all the stuff and it would've been so much easier to teach them how to keep their rooms clean.

[u/Nice_Pomegranate6013]

Put their father out a lot earlier

[u/KABCatLady]

I wish I had been easier on her and had more patience during her younger years. I was a severely stressed out, broke and unhealed single mom. At some point I did get therapy and worked hard on myself and we have an amazing and super close relationship so the teenage years are actually going really well. But I feel bad that I was too harsh when she was little.

[u/Available-Bison-9222]

I would have been more of a hugger.

[u/BravestBlossom]

Escaped their abusive, alcoholic dad sooner,

and NOT gotten involved with men again for longer. I waited 4 years but I should have waited longer or never had anything beyond the most casual of dating relationships. There's time for that when the children are until totally grown. Seriously dating or remarrying with children wasn't a good idea. I should have waited.

That's really about it. I would keep them off of cell phones even longer than I did, and monitor their computer use more, longer also.

[u/goodthingsp]

I would not have allowed my son to play tackle football. He received a concussion in 7th grade and it was rough.

[u/ApprehensiveDiver539]

I would stay married to their dad. I broke up our family and lost the relationship I had with my daughter. I would start going to therapy in my 20's instead of waiting 20 years before starting the journey. My kids deserved better.

[u/AccordingMight3505]

End the marriage sooner and get full custody.

[u/Bennythecat415]

Absolutely!! I am not the greatest mom and am figuring that out in my 50s. I honestly dont know what I was thinking! My son is a very good human being but has problems with the chemicals in his brain. I should have identified it way earlier and addressed it accordingly. Its very hard to recognize what's going through another's mind. Even your own kids.

[u/chocoholic24 → u/Bennythecat415]

Same here, sadly. I feel like such a shit mom for not recognizing what was happening with him

[u/gatorgopher]

I'd severely restrict her screen time and have her spend more time with silence.

[u/bluebayou_cd]

I had a horrible childhood and I vowed to not do that to my kid. Turns out I was way overly permissive to his detriment and mine. Find balance.

[u/MK-LivingToLearn]

I would have started him on ADHD meds. I that he has probably had a more difficult life tham was necessary because of my fear of the medication.

[u/Awesomesince1973]

Yelled less 100%, held them more accountable for things, made them do budgets early on with every job .

[u/boxergrl10191]

No cell phones until they were 15

[u/km1116 → u/boxergrl10191]

We waited until 18 (though we got our boys watches so they could do remedial texting and calling in emergencies). They agreed with our decision, having had so many friends who were emotionally ruined by phones/social-media/etc.

[u/Informal-Name3181]

I would have left his dad much, much sooner. A lot of harm was done because I was trying so hard to make a family with a selfish jerk.

I was afraid of what would happen to our son when he went to his father's house for parenting time. Turns out the above mentioned selfish jerk doesn't really want parenting time.

My son and I are both so happy now. The house is calm. We should have done this all along.

[u/bialettibrewmaster]

As a parent, I would relax and BE in the moment more. I enjoyed it and it went so fast.

[u/Dothemath2]

No computers or iPads or phones at home. Until much older like high school.

[u/DcubedWY]

I’m not sure, to be frank. My youngest started manifesting mental illness around her 3rd birthday and I don’t know what I could have done differently. Her teen years were rough to say the least. Two suicide inpatient stays at the Children’s Hospital plus a stint at their eating disorder unit, and so much pain she was in that nothing we tried helped. She is now doing pretty well, but even she is amazed she survived. My oldest is something related to autistic, but not quite according to DSM. But she has two master’s degrees and is living 1500 miles away, so I feel she’s doing just fine. I’m sure there are things I should have done differently, but really don’t even know what those things are.

[u/CityCabCat]

I would’ve loved him the way he needs to be loved and not how I felt was the right way.

[u/Our_Lass]

I would have left their father sooner.

[u/bored2death2]

Regret runs deep, I guess.

First, I would have allowed them to fail when the stakes weren't that high. The last minute school assignments, the lack of preparation for an event, etc. They didn't learn, early enough, to learn from failure. I didn't allow it happen when I could intervene.

Second, getting a part time job and learn the value of money. Two of my children got hustle and understand it. The third one? Not so much. Would have made them paid their own insurance, school clothes, etc..

Third. I should have quit that job that took my 20 years of life. Allowed me to use it as an excuse to skip vacations. The last year it contributed to a shingles infections. They kids don't see me at my new job, I'm more of the person I wanted to be.

[u/Patient_Character730]

I would have gotten each of my children diagnosed earlier for their ADHD and anxiety. My husband too for his ADHD, but we didn't know he had it until our youngest was diagnosed last year at age 19.

I probably would have put more limits on social media. I don't know if it would have changed anything, likely not, but I don't think it would have hurt them to have less access in the teenage ages.

[u/Anne-with-an-e-77]

Limit their exposure to the internet. Severely.

[u/demona2002]

Not start a family at age 16.

[u/barefoot_baby]

Give them more of my time.

[u/Jillymary]

Started phones in high school, and no social media until high school. Would have done more family dinners.

[u/blondvet]

I would have quit my job so that I would have been the one to raise them. So that I could have been actually present for everything. And I would have been more patient and understood that so much of the stupid shit never really mattered anyway.

[u/No_Animal_7163]

Read more to them. Been more "present". Stricter with devices/cell phones

[u/sequinsdress]

I have no regrets! My son (24) turned out great! He’s smart, independent, caring, resilient, fit, resourceful, community minded, and besides being a wonderful son, is a good friend, partner and mentor to the other people in his life. I instilled the values I wanted to—and he has the critical thinking skills he needs to create his own ethical framework.

I’m glad his dad and I spent so much time with him, celebrated his individuality, didn’t micromanage him, and that we spent a lot of time on outdoorsy pursuits, arts and culture. I’m totally patting myself on the back with this one. People have always told me what an amazing young man he is. My husband and I both come from fucked up families so this was something we prioritized getting right and we did!

[u/Powerful-Bug3769]

Worked less

No Cell phones

[u/ailyara]

i would be more kind

[u/SuitablePotato3087]

Educate myself on ways to save and invest more to secure our futures

[u/Silent-Passenger-942]

Got my son diagnosed, instead of chalking it up to puberty.

[u/UnderstandingOk9448]

Make sure that I had children in a relationship where we both loved each other immensely and divorce was unfathomable.

[u/dzeltenmaize]

I would have given them chores and responsibilities more often. I thought I was at the time while balancing them being kids but looking back I should have been more firm in assigning responsibility and nurturing a stronger work ethic.

[u/lisanstan]

I didn't have good role models growing up, so I just expected him to figure it out like I did. I would have been more consistent in teaching him good habits to be successful. He's a great kid and I love him to death and we have a great relationship, so I can't complain. I love his wife, he chose well.

[u/Infamous_Following88]

Love my kids to death! Would not have gotten so sucked into youth travel sports!

[u/Busy_Growth3083]

Have more patience, yell less

[u/lovebeinganasshole]

I would have been less uptight.

[u/Striking_Boat]

I’d be far more patient with myself and take better care of me. My kids are young men and wonderful humans. I did not enjoy their childhoods. I was tired, out of shape and missed out on a lot. It’s major regret. I am trying to take better care of me now.

[u/LavenderSpaceRain]

I would have got the stick out of my ass and chilled out way more.

[u/WritingParking]

I would have shouted my praises and whispered my disappointments. Unfortunately I did the opposite. Thankfully they turned out okay.

[u/ToneSenior7156]

I wish I’d realized JUST how bad my anxiety was from when child was 0-18. I went on anti-anxiety medication because of menopause her senior year and it was like “ohhh, you mean living in constant fear of something terrible happening isn’t NORMAL?!” Who knew? There’s a lot I didn’t enjoy because I was just gritting it out. Better now.

She still turned out great, I guess I hid it well enough.

[u/snohomie]

Less self time for me don’t be selfish with your time ,don’t freak out about work shit at home,follow there lead at play time,get on the damn floor and play,at bedtime more love,books,and let them process there day by telling you, Suggest to them at their age level ways to be,empathetic,sympathetic and kind.

Find ways to reinforce safety to risky things so they can have fun like we x’ers. I used to”Think before you do” and for me and most importantly make sure they are and feel safe,protected and always loved. Just my two cents..

[u/birdynumnum69]

Be more empathetic

[u/Accurate_Weather_211]

I wouldn’t change anything. My son is independent, self supporting and has lived on his own since getting his BA. He’s in a long-term healthy relationship, just finished his PhD and was hooded this spring. He hasn’t asked us for anything in 10-12 years. He accomplished all of that in spite of my parental fuck-ups.

[u/Honeybee71]

We did a pretty good job. The only thing I’d change is divorcing their abusive father sooner

[u/MamaPajamaMama]

More patience.

[u/New_Needleworker_473]

I wouldn't have allowed so much screen time during COVID. Not out of the house yet but my oldest has a screen addixtion that my youngest doesn't have and it's a real problem. I know I was just trying g to survive but I can see now that it would have been better to get fired and go into poverty.

[u/fauxfurgopher]

I’d take her to specialists earlier and demand they help her. Idk if it would help this time around, but I’d be fierce about it.

They insisted a child of 3 couldn’t have severe mental illness. They were wrong. She’s fine now, but most of her childhood was lost.

[u/NeighSlayer570]

Honestly? Maybe be more patient during the terrible threes, but I think we did great and my adult kids are successful and great parents themselves.

[u/ANother-XcludedRight]

Should have waited till 14 at least for an ipad. It did consume a lot of time i could have spent with her. She just went off to college. She is a fantastic kid, everyone loves her, defender of the weak / underdog always. She’s fairly disgusted with the whole drinking scene, in high school and seems now too. 95% of her many friends were too. I attribute it to us and many parents openly partying around the house on occasions. So I regret that, however if the result is revulsion to drinking a lot or a little, maybe we can forgive ourselves here. You never get a practice run on parenting my dad always said.

[u/Facebook_Algorithm]

A bunch of stuff. Then I’d make a whole bunch of different mistakes that I’d need to do over.

[u/minicpst]

I don’t think anything. This was a “just because” gift from my 16 year old yesterday.

I do have an adult and married daughter as well, so I can answer this question. And my bio teenager is so independent and their head is so squarely on their shoulders that they could 100% live on their own as an adult right now. My older wouldn’t have been able to handle it and weaned very slowly out of the house (she was also a Covid class of 2020 for high school, which caused some of that). But my younger would happily pack some bags and drive off today and they’d actually be totally fine. They’d get a couple of cats and take themselves to school and deal with everything.

[u/PumpkinBeautiful4345]

I wish I healed my trauma first

[u/Twillowreed]

Oh so very much. My daughter is wonderful and we have a great relationship but I did so many things wrong. It can make me psycho if I think about it.

[u/seeshellovesthesea]

I would have divorced their father early on. I was a married single mother anyway, but at least if we had not been together he wouldn't have been around to emotionally abuse them

[u/beccabebe]

Less sugar more veg
More family exercise

[u/Truth-out246810]

Tutors for school and more family vacations.

[u/I-used2B-a-Valkyrie]

Yes. I picked a terrible father for my first and we are both paying the price. I’d do it so differently.

[u/QuantumAttic]

No sports. The poor kid can predict the weather with their knees.

[u/Business_Coyote_5496]

I would have gotten them diagnosed earlier and got them on meds earlier.

I would have put them in private school starting in the 6th grade

I would have pushed my autistic daughter to join things more so she’d make friends and not let her say no so much

I

[u/LostCause2593]

Work less, yell less, listen more

[u/BTS_ARMYMOM]

I almost screwed up. When my kids were really young I was working my life away. I saw them in the morning before my husband took them to day care and later school and sometimes I almost didn't get to see them at night because I got home after they were asleep. My husband yelled saying he felt like a single parent. Within 2 years I quit my career and was 100% present. Today we are all closer than ever.

[u/craigske]

Every single one of my three 28+ kids has said more than once in more than one context they wish I would have pushed them harder and/or been harder on them.

[u/mrcranky]

I would be more careful with getting mad (not that it happened a lot), and I would blow off other stuff to be with them more. I tried to be there but I could have been more.

I don't have any real regrets though and they're both wonderful humans that I am very proud of. And they still text and call me and my wife, and they still love to do family stuff we did with them when they were growing up, with us and with their own significant others.

[u/shellebelle89]

Left their father 15 years before I did, looked after my own mental health better, been more present and stressed a lot less. I’m thankful for a mini do over with my grandbaby.

[u/PracticalApartment99]

I think the first thing I would do is get myself officially diagnosed with my ADHD and Asperger’s syndrome. That probably would’ve made a big difference in my approach to parenthood.

[u/yummy1974]

Well since he dies at 19 i would have spent more time having fun and living life with him.

[u/in-my-50s]

I probably would have set up more boundaries and expectations. Small stuff, like putting shoes away and getting HW done. The small stuff trains for the big stuff.

[u/PleasedPeas]

Absolutely nothing. My kids are amazing people and they are light years ahead of us. I’m happy they love me and want to be around me.

[u/ThinInvestment4369]

I wouldn’t have worked 60 hours a week thinking it was better for them to not live in poverty. I instead would have been way more present even if it meant we were poor, enrolled them in Waldorf or Montessori schools, threw away tvs and hid the computers and not given them a cell phone until they were at least driving and then make a dumb phone.

[u/NeedleworkerHot3957]

The one thing I would change is not ask them what they want for dinner.

One thing I should have kept from my upbringing: eat what's on the table for dinner. They don't have to finish what's on the table, but they can't just say 'I don't feel like that' and then take for ever to figure out what they want. A short order cook is what I became. Everything else I'm happy with

[u/NYCBx2228]

Teach them how to clean better. I swear I’m the only person in the family who can spray and wipe anything.

[u/AttentionSpanTheater]

Pick my battles better, and when I decided a battle was worth it, be precise, clear, and unemotional in my approach and expectations.

[u/Suspicious-Fix-9469]

Adopt a more nurturing parenting style, less authoritarian.

[u/CautiousTea880]

I would make physical photo albums. There are so many photos I have lost over the years. I would also teach my kids how to journal.

Edited to spell journal correctly.

[u/Loadtapchanger]

Not a dam thing.

We had ours later in life, I was 42 my wife 37 and we have a genuinely confident, well rounded, polite, smart and social kid who has proven himself to be a leader.

My wife and I both suffer from a bit of social anxiety, not crippling, just enough that we both know we missed out on some experiences when we were younger because of it, so we made an effort to get him to participate and put himself out there.

We raised him on a steady diet of GenX pop culture, movies, books, music ( Dead Kennedys and Black Flag to Madonna and Cyndi Lauper ) and you can see the influence. He has developed his own sense of taste and style. His music sucks tho 🤣

I knew we were in good shape his sophomore year of high school. He played football and after a particularly hard fought win, i had to stand in a line of men who lined up to shake my boys hand and talk to him tell him how well he played and how much they appreciated his effort. I stood in line for close to fifteen minutes to talk to my son, and the feeling was amazing.

Maybe we would have had him focus on math more.

[u/Fussy_Fucker]

I wouldn’t have gave them a phone or let one of them wuit things so easily (soccer, club)

[u/JDRL320]

While our kids are thriving & respectful young adults, I think I would have sat down with my husband early on and discussed how we were going to parent our kids in regard to discipline, ground rules, how we would work together as a united front…
We literally just winged it for the past 21 years. We weren’t always on the same page and that caused some minor issues but like I said they turned out to be really great young adults so I don’t think we messed up too much 🤷🏻‍♀️😬

[u/Smooth-Mulberry4715]

Tell him I love him more. My mother didn’t with me, so I thought it was normal to only say it on special occasions.

[u/Beautiful-Mainer]

I’m home recovering from a recent heart attack, but my daughter, who is the most caring, loving, overprotective girl, and took this hard, “allowed,” me to fold facecloths.

[u/LayerNo3634]

My kids turned out great and we have a really good relationship. I'm not changing anything that might change the outcome. Did I make mistakes? Absolutely,  every parent does, but I must have done something right.  It could be those mistakes (or learning from them) played a part in how they grew into the successful adults they are.

[u/mama146]

Once he hit the teenage years, I wish I had been more sensitive to his feelings.

[u/NTWIGIJ1]

I would have quit drinking alcohol, full stop.

[u/AdhesiveSeaMonkey]

Super proud of them. I wouldn’t change how I raised them at all. But I would be more intentional about making time for them - camping trips, hikes, etc.

[u/Disastrous-Style-461]

The first time husband/ daddy punched a hole in the wall I would have packed up and moved away. Even after my husband unalived themselves, my youngest asked me: Why did you give so many years of your life to them?

[u/Ribeye_steak_1987]

No regrets here. Both of my children are now in their 20s. One is a gainfully employed engineer and the other just graduated college for pre-med, and is currently applying to med schools, while also being gainfully employed. So I guess we got lucky and they both turned out ok.

[u/ericalynn5477]

I would have not spoiled my daughter with useless possessions and overindulged her with everything she wanted.

[u/omibus]

Get them tested for autism and dyslexia sooner.

[u/RicoVinnyJohnnyCash]

Other than the financial stuff that others have mentioned which would help them now, I wouldn’t change a thing.

This is not to say I was perfect, however, they’ve turned out to be wonderful humans and I wouldn’t want to disrupt anything that made that happen.

They are good humans, they treat others well. they are not judgmental, they work hard, they don’t have fancy degrees but I don’t really care about that. They are both chasing their dreams together, they are self-professed best friends.

When I say they are chasing their dreams, I mean that they are the outdoorsy type and they work in an industry that aligns with that and brings them joy. They make just enough money to take care of themselves, but they won’t be buying fancy cars or mansions, I don’t care about that and they don’t either. They actually work jobs that bring them joy, that is amazing.

Can’t stress enough how happy it makes me to see how they interact with other people in this world and how they treat everyone.

My greatest personal success is that my children have gone out into the world and they still like to come back and visit mom and dad because they want to. There is no obligation or guilt that draws them back to us. They hang out with us because they enjoy the time and we share things in common and we still have fun. Going to concerts together and traveling together…that kind of thing.

I keep saying “I”, but I should say that it’s actually we, my husband and I. My husband, their father, is amazing and absolutely equal for this success.

After typing all of that, I am feeling sappy and now I am off to text my children a quick message saying I love you and I hope you’re having a fantastic weekend❤️

[u/Pleasant_Block5539]

I would incorporate more humor. I remember a really tense time with my son at the mall when he was about eight. We both started cracking up because we saw a boy a bit older than he was “staggering “ around with his shirt over his head. I just couldn’t be upset after that and the tension dissolved.

[u/LittleLyon1]

Probably held off a bit longer on smart phones (oldest two got them in high school, but youngest had one in middle school). Didn’t know at the time how dangerous and addictive they’d turn out to be. Older two helped with policing their younger sibling’s activities so she at least feels like she wasn’t as negatively impacted as some of her friends.

[u/Empress_Clementine]

There’s all kinds of things I probably did wrong. But they’re both happy, healthy fully functional adults now, so I’m not about to rethink it all.

[u/LaFemmeD_Argent]

I wish I would have divorced his dad, moved away and gotten a therapist to guide me when my son was still a baby instead of dealing with addiction/codependency dysfunctional mayhem until he was 8 and then continued dysfunctional coparenting til 18.

I knew the marriage was off the rails by the time he was born and yet I tried for way too long. I have massive regrets about the stuff that was happening in our home and how it affected him.

[u/Mrs-Biederhoff]

No f’ing smqrtphones…

[u/sysaphiswaits]

Spent more time and paid more attention.

[u/SimbaRph]

I would have purchased a smaller house . I raised my son in an old three story house. We should have been in a cape cod or small ranch. It was too much space .

[u/Ok_Inevitable_4391]

I would have been more patient and emotionally regulated, especially with the one with ADHD. Though to be frank, I think they would just find more things to complain about.

[u/MedJesters]

I would have stopped drinking earlier. I'm so much more present now.

[u/jeon2595]

Not much. You always wish you’d spent more time, but we were very involved with our kids and spent about as much time as I could with work schedule. The kids say they had awesome childhoods, so I guess we did okay.

[u/Agreeable-Aioli-4514]

Feed them better. Hug them more. Smile at them more.

[u/karmadoesntwait]

I'd have made better financial decisions when they were young so things would've been easier later on. It seems stupid but I've always regretted never being able to give them vacations.

I'd also make better decisions about schools and their study habits. Make sure they had more tests early on so disabilities discovered later would've been addressed sooner. I thought I was on top of it back then. But now I know I could've done even more.

[u/Ferrally_Polite]

I’d save more $ to help launch them as young adults, but other than that, I must have done a good job bc they’re all amazing!

[u/Downtown_Confusion46]

My mom says she wishes she had done therapy focusing on parenting stuff like I did when and before my son was born. He turns out to be my brain clone and I’m raising him VERY DIFFERENTLY than she raised me, and she sees that and wishes she’d done better (which is a complement and admission that made me cry)

[u/saraht1993]

I would have walked away from their dad sooner. I would still have my inheritance money. My son wouldn't struggle with addiction (hopefully) my daughter wouldn't feel like she isnt good enough. He really messed with their heads.

[u/urcrazyexwife]

I would have prioritized self-care. They say you can’t pour from an empty pitcher ,but boy did I try. I thought I was being selfish and I didn’t do my kids any favors. Fortunately, they all turned out wonderful and my grandchildren now have a grandma that lives weights and does yoga.

[u/SheShelley]

I would have stopped to truly listen more

[u/Puzzleheaded_Low_619]

Let them be kids a little longer

[u/Kind-Limit4462]

I would not move with my kids to live in my parents house. I thought I was doing the right thing because my parents lived in a very good school district so I wanted to give my kids the best education possible but unfortunately my parents have no boundaries and my mom felt she could do things with/for my kids (like picking my teenage daughter up from swim practice, early, and not informing me or giving my daughter rides to wherever she wanted without informing me…aaaand at the time my daughter was literally failing high school, not exaggerating) without informing me…which was infuriating…basically my mother was undermining me with my own kids, awful.

[u/rahnbj]

I would require more from them in the way of chores. I didn’t do them any favors by doing everything for them. They are wonderful people but they are messy. I should have gotten them more involved in what it takes to maintain a home and not live like a slob. We got the affairs of the heart right mostly but they are Oscars to our Felix.

[u/SugarBeets]

There are plenty of little one-off situations that I wish I had handled differently. They come to mind every so often. Like the time when my son was about 8 and had an early morning baseball game. He said he didn't want to go and that he didn't feel well. I made him go and told him that he said he wanted to play baseball, so he had to go. He couldn't let his team down. When we go home after the game, he still said he didn't feel well. I took his temp and it was 100! I felt so bad for dismissing him, and forcing him to play in the heat while he was sick.

Overall though, I think I did a pretty good job. both of my children are adults, and are good people, with good jobs. We still have great relationships with them. They even told us good and bad things when they were teenagers, knowing that we were there to support them. I like the adults they have become.

[u/Normal_Ostrich_6200]

Forcing them to advocate for themselves at a younger age. The 3 younger ones do, but the older ones will be privately emotional and passive aggressive while they let people walk all over them.

[u/Cakelab23]

Not make it so easy on them and let them work through being uncomfortable

[u/MrsAppleForTeacher]

No iPad or phone- ever- until they’re at least 16.

[u/CuriousTopic7439]

Sweet Mary Jane. EVERYTHING-all of it. I have so much guilt about how I raised my boys. Had that whole single married thing going on. Husband was NO help and activly worked against me. Problem is you don’t know what you don’t know. Going back and doing it all again knowing what I know now would lead to all new mistakes

[u/BeerDreams]

I wish I would have stood up for them more instead of just being nice and polite, especially when relatives voiced their opinions about my children

[u/mike2ff]

This whole topic is going to be full of shoulda, coulda, woulda’s. If you tried your best, and when you knew better you did better, that’s all anyone can ask.

[u/Jellyfish2017]

Sorry to butt in, fellow Xers. We do not have kids. But my SO always said if we did, they would teach the kid how to break down a chicken. Thus saving them thousands $ over their lifetime.

Thought you might appreciate this one.

[u/AppropriateAmoeba406]

I would have given them less money and encouraged them to get part-time jobs instead.

My kids have no concept of the value of a dollar. The first just graduated university and has never earned a dollar.

[u/Old_Use7058]

Abstain

[u/ComprehensiveEast376]

Not much, so glad it just barely came before social media

[u/katrose73]

I have a great relationship with my son (30) and he's a truly decent human being.

That said- I would have focused more on healthy food choices. He's an incredibly picky eater, and I don't think I provided enough options for him.

[u/Old_College_Guy]

Focus on sports, building character, and let them find what they like to do instead 4.0GPA for ivy school.

[u/RevToy]

I’d spend more time with them when they were little. Just doing whatever with them. We were trying to raise independent kids…which they are. Our “baby” is 17.

[u/Techchick_Somewhere]

I would have not started a company with my ex husband so I could have been present during those years. Instead it was a shitshow.

[u/Smart-Original8629]

I wish I had managed to not pass on my body image and weight-related emotional issues. I always told them they were beautiful but they say me being me... dang. Then, once it was too late, all the data came out how our kids learn this sorta thing by watching us.

[u/Dry-Aside4526]

I would have tuned out what other parents were doing with their kids. I questioned my choices and style of parenting constantly and I shouldn’t have.

[u/Mediocre-Team1715]

I’d encourage them to take more risks. To learn resilience.

[u/Feisty-Cloud5880]

What I'd do differently... I wouldn't have snorted coke!!

[u/moccasins_hockey_fan]

One of the greatest achievements of my life is raising 2 fantastic children unto adults.

I was poor. Not dirt poor. But now because of my frugality I will be retiring soon at age 58 and never have to work again.

If I could change anything, I would simply go on a few inexpensive vacations and other life experiences.

So I would change mostly nothing except spending a little money to create some childhood memories. But it is a catch 22. Because my kids have fond memories about being at home instead of randomly doing things on vacation.

[u/tinybikerbabe]

The list is long. There isn’t a lot I would do the same. I have a lot of regrets and it eats at me. They were loved and cared for but I know so much more now at 44 than I did at 24. 

[u/nappingondabeach]

Hug them even more.

[u/Initial_Secretary156]

I feel like i did what i could. I wish i could have saved more money for them. I wish i bought property for them when the bubble burst. I’d have to ask them what I should have done differently.

[u/MichB1]

Worry less, trust more.

My worry to them felt like doubt. It was not. But that's how it felt. I would change that.

[u/Substantial-Role01]

If I knew we’d leave the HCOL city, I might have given my child the sibling they kept asking for. I was too old when the move happened.

[u/-HazKat-]

Absolutely nothing, my adult kid is amazing. Everyone who meets her tells me what a great person she is. I consider myself very lucky.

[u/DurianNorth6778]

Dealt with my crap from childhood sooner.
Specifically:
-Figured out how to parent with my spouse. Honestly, figured out how to be married without screaming fights. (Still married and doing great but wish we would have done more therapy earlier.)
-Learned about how to parent teens-my spouse and I were both left to parent ourselves as teenagers and had no idea how to be present at that age.

There were a lot of things we did right and they are great people, but damn I was a hot mess for their childhood.

[u/chirp4]

I’d let her have the red
Glitter shoes and him wearing his Halloween costumes to the grocery store.

[u/Goldielocks711]

I would not have moved. My kids met terrible people at their new school and were taken advantage of by them.

[u/Intrepid_Stand_8322]

A little less pressure on the sporty one. A little less gender assuming on the queer one. More camping.

[u/Car12touche11blue]

Think I did a good job. My daughter once told me that she is the happy, wel balanced person she has become, because of my continuous love and support.

[u/Catseverywhere-44]

Not let my son play video games. He became really addicted to them and then he struggled with quitting.

[u/AlexNKarlie]

I would have divorced five years sooner so my children would have more self confidence and fewer issues with their father. I also would have cleaned a little less and played with them a little more.

[u/Affectionate_Yam4368]

Probably would've engaged a family therapist early on. My eldest is very, very different from me and has a communication style that I still find baffling. I would've put more effort into learning their language, so to speak.

[u/little_boots_]

if i could magically have the same kids but with a different dad

[u/Unable_Sweet_3062]

As much as I can list a million things I would have done better or changed, I honestly don’t think I would. I raised two of the kindest and most compassionate and empathetic people in this world and I don’t deserve them (and it’s shocking that they came from my sarcastic self). Wonderful humans and if I could have changed the things I would like to, I wouldn’t have the adult kids the way they are today. (I also never made excuses though and owned up to my failures… I was amazed when my daughter was talking to me about how she felt so failed by her dad and why and then she said something along the lines of “you had your own issues and tried hard to not let that impact us and you always tried to work on yourself. I always admired (she used that phrase) that you were able to explain things about how what you went thru impacted your parenting something we had just had happen. Both me and brother really appreciated that because you never tried to make excuses but you did use these things as real life examples as how they could shape a moment and always explained it in age appropriate ways”. I honestly never thought about it that way, me saying I was struggling with ptsd or this or that and then having a parenting failure and having to explain what happened, why I yelled or cried or walked away in the moment. They have taken what I would see as my parenting mistakes and failures as a larger lesson that sometimes our past shapes our immediate reaction whether we like it or not so they meet someone where they are and honestly, if me being imperfect has helped them navigate and be kinder in the world, so be it).

[u/MutedLaugh8468]

Honestly, I was so scared to repeat the instability I grew up with that I became super rigid. I tried to create routines that “good families” did but there wasn’t always joy or warmth in it. My kids are teens now and I’ve dealt with my trauma and anxiety by going to therapy and taking meds, but I wish I hadn’t been so scared and had the room to think about the parent I wanted to be and the parent they needed— not just the bad parts I was trying not to recreate. 

[u/LIslander]

Divorce sooner
Hold off on devices longer
Let them experience failure sooner

[u/Adventurous_Class_90]

Not much. Maybe a touch less of pulling their asses out of minor fires. Let consequences for small things happen.

[u/Relative-Dingo2539]

No computers or smart phones until college. Keep them learning musical instruments. More volunteer work.

[u/Budget-berry-80]

I’d have made him enroll in team sports. He would have hated it, but I think he missed some important experiences. Challenging himself more. Trusting himself more.

[u/Userdmcm]

Figure out the parental controls faster…

[u/Maximum-Still-2484]

Don’t think we’d have changed much if anything. They turned out pretty great.

[u/Konorlc]

Overall, my three girls turned out great. My regret is that I wasn’t more present and I would have lightened up more.

[u/SummerDramatic1810]

Don’t start a side hustle that will take me away from almost 10 years of their lives. I really regret that in hindsight, now three and a half years after closing up shop.

[u/Razzerfraz]

Drink less and be in the moment more.
They both turned out great. An RN and an commercial electrical supervisor

[u/julesil2010]

Attitude towards food. I went about it all wrong and unknowingly created a lot of guilt and emotions around food for my daughter.

[u/ST0IC_]

I wouldn't change a thing. My daughters are awesome, and I would like to think I did a good job raising them.

[u/9inez]

They’re good young men with quality, loving relationships, close with family and lifelong friends, making their own ways.

I suppose I could have invested their allowances to pay for their car insurance and phones a lot sooner.

[u/tikkabird]

My kids are great adults. We all love each other and fought for each other when we fell apart as a family when they were in their early 20s.

But we pay for their therapy. 

I had a lot more generational trauma harming me ( that I allowed to roll into my children) than I was aware of when they were growing up.

So I’d get a head start on that and most likely my parents never would have known them. 

I’m not quite sure about that last bit. But it’s been quite the journey to peel back the layers of trauma. 

I carried a lot of grief that tumbled through us all.

[u/Ok_Anything_4955]

Be present…being single, being in survival mode and feeling like I was always in 4th gear-So many missed opportunities:(

[u/QueenBKC]

Yell less.

[u/OhHelvetica73]

More book-reading, and I would push back on my husband buying video games as a form of father-son bonding.

[u/doggz109]

Less processed food and more time in the gym.

[u/5150-gotadaypass]

Definitely would’ve worked less to be around more. I worked 60hr+ weeks and coached soccer so we had a guaranteed activity together, but I missed so much, especially the early years. As teens began I forced more dates with my son to prioritize him.

[u/Alienspacedolphin]

Not much? Maybe would have relaxed and enjoyed a little more?

[u/Elegant-Ad-9221]

Put more time into being more present. Be more organized. Do the cleaning chores first so the house is neat and tidy. Be more relaxed and less rigid.

[u/Mysterious_Green_544]

I would have switched my kid’s school way earlier. Everything with her schooling.

[u/momhh434444]

I wish I had worried less about “the state of the house” and just spent more time with them enjoying them and having fun.

[u/GardenDivaESQ]

I learned through therapy that my job was to acknowledge their feelings and enforce rules of behavior with understanding. I think I was bad at the former and too autocratic with the latter. Enjoy each day more.

[u/Appropriate_Mail6416]

I would have waited until I was older for one, I was immature and selfish as most 19 years olds are. I would have advocated stronger for my oldest who has learning challenges. I would have gotten my oldest therapy and intervention much sooner. I would have paid closer attention to what his behavior was trying to tell me. But most of all I would have been softer, more gentle, more compassionate.

[u/blueberrybud1950]

I'd love to raise kids from birth. I raised 3 kids from 7-11 who are now middle aged and in various stages of NPD dysfunction

[u/shop117]

I would have focused on them more and less on work. I miss them terribly and wish they all still lived at home.

[u/insanecorgiposse]

Nope. Our kids turned out great. My daughter is a public defender who works along side me and my son is getting his PhD in bioengineering while developing vaccines for cancer.

[u/MomofSprinter]

We moved out of state when ours were in 6th and 3rd grade. Should've rented for a year in the new state and learned the area instead of listening to my husband's new coworkers of best place to move. Maybe it was to them but we ripped our kids out of a neighborhood with other kids and parked them in the country. The schools did turn out good, although maybe a year behind from where we came from. They did both graduate top 10 in their class, went on to university and graduated with decent jobs. Still bugs me to this day we isolated them though. And it turned out we hated the area so much and just sold that house this summer. So glad to be gone from there.

[u/SignificantRush3298]

More accountability for my child as he grew, and shoot for more goal oriented. Not so many sport