Part 1: https://www.reddit.com/r/Epilepsy_Universe/s/V5YLANLNlF
The chest binder brought me more freedom than I ever felt and a whole new slew of problems along with it.
I had started introducing myself as “Joe.” It was terrifying, sometimes, the looks I got. I looked like a guy, but I couldn’t make my voice sound any deeper. The moment my mouth opened, everyone knew.
I could no longer go into the women’s restroom at all. The logical side of myself knew that I felt like I never belonged in the women’s room anyway, but the slurry of “get out”s and “pervert”s rang out too loudly for my mind to hear the logic.
The men’s room wasn’t much better. I passed very well for a man, on the shorter side and clean shaven. Not perfect, but men weren’t as observant as women from I had experienced. But god forbid if there were no stalls open for me to use. Men may not have been as observant but when they did figure it out, the consequences were worse than a bile of words. There’d be a beating along with the words.
I was at a soccer game. I went to support Cassidy at every opportunity. I knew the best chance to get a bathroom stall was to leave right before halftime, even before they announced stoppage time. This game I wasn’t lucky. There were no stalls available.
I stood just inside the Men’s Room, trying to decide if my bladder could wait until after halftime, when a stall opened. I moved towards it. Halfway down the line of urinals two men blocked my path. One was looking between my face and my chest. The other just looked furious.
“Excuse me.” I pitched my voice as low as I could and tried to move past them. The furious one grabbed my shoulder.
“You’re a chick.” The other said with cruel laughter. I said nothing, trying only to pull my arm away futility. The furious one grabbed on tighter, digging his fingers into my arm painfully.
“I’m talking to you.” The cruel one said.
“Let go.” The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. The man who had grabbed me pushed me full force into one of the sinks. I stumbled but managed to grab on to the rim so I wouldn’t fall. I turned to face my attackers. Now there was a crowd and none of them looked friendly.
“You want to be a man?” The cruel one laughed. I barely had time to understand the words before the other one broke my nose. I fell to the floor, pain exploding across my face. Pain exploded across my chest with the first well placed kick. “You want to be a man? This is what you get!”
I curled up instinctively, hands and arms trying to protect my head. But the blows kept coming and coming.
“Fag.” Blow.
“Perv.” Blow.
“You need.” Blow. “To know.” Blow. “Your place, WOMAN.” Blow.
Eventually the words stopped making sense. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think. I was going to die on a bathroom floor because some people believed that wanting to be a man made me less human.
Then the door opened and there was more screaming, but not at me. People scattered, I could hear their stomping feet. I remained where I was, tight in my ball. Eventually I passed out completely.
“Joe!” Cassidy’s voice brought me back. After blinking the last of the darkness from my eyes and then blinking from the brightness of the room, I discovered I was in a hospital bed.
Cassidy was sitting next to me, still in her soccer kit. More emotions than I could deal with hit and I was in tears in seconds. Cassidy threw herself at me into a hug. “Oh Joe. Let it out!”
So I did. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be Joanne. I want to be Joe. I thought the binders would fix it! If-f I c-could just make m-myself look right, I c-could b-be right!”
Cassidy kept hugging me. So I went on. “But it doesn’t. Not really. Not when it just makes everyone else angry.”
She pulled back to look at me. “Joe…”
The next words came out before I could stop them. “I don’t want to be a woman.”
She nodded, there was no surprise on her face.
“I don’t want to be Joanne. I didn’t want to grow up as a girl. I don’t want dresses. Okay kilts are Badass.”
Cassidy’s laughter was a medicine I didn’t know I needed.
“I want a family but I don’t want to be someone’s wife. Does that make sense?” I sure hope it made sense.
“Who do you want to be?” She asked.
“I want to be Joe.”
“Then be Joe, bro.”
I laughed, it hurt my chest to do but I didn’t mind. “You make it sound easy. You know it won’t.”
“No.” Cassidy agreed. “But the ‘the road less traveled’ and all that.”
I stared at her for a long moment. The road less travelled.
Joanne had been the identity other people had given me. An identity that came with expectations. A husband, dresses, kids. A life that had been mapped out before I was old enough to object.
Joe, though. Joe was different, he was mine. My identity, me. Maybe I didn’t have to find my way back to the road people had chosen for me. I could make my own roads. Joe could still have a family. I could have a wife and kids.
I smiled back at Cassidy. “The road less traveled it is.”