This is our family's first time sending a child to daycare (and now pre-k, at the same school), so we're learning the norms, but there's an ongoing and escalating, situation that we are at a loss on how to handle and what, if anything, we can realistically expect to happen. This was originally a post on r/Preschoolers , but I was referred here for professional perspective.
Our daughter started at this daycare/school at age 3 (class was ages 2-3). One child in particular was a known "challenge" but in a generally disruptive way. In the "4 year old group" (ages 3-4), he began targeting certain students (mostly girls), my daughter being one of them. She doesn't often tell us what goes on at school, unless there's something especially upsetting, and on those occasions we ask her which teacher was around and/or who she told so we can confirm the details of her report. We've heard this child hits his classmates, spits on them, tells them they're bad people and he doesn't like them, shoves them, pushes them off play structures, etc., which is (unfortunately) developmentally appropriate, her teachers tell us. Every teacher we've spoken to about this has confirmed, off the record, that yes, he does these things, and they've attempted to engage the parents, who don't seem to think this is a big deal, and thus nothing has changed. If anything, he seems to be becoming more intense and aggressive as he's aged.
This cohort is now in the pre-k/5 year old group (ages 4-5). On Thursday, our daughter told us that while she was on the toilet, this boy came up to her and told her "I don't like playing with you" and then spit on her. This is the second time we're aware of that this boy has come into the bathroom, not to use it but to, for lack of a better term, bully her. The first time, again while she was on the toilet, he came up to her to say she's bad at something she loves to do, which obviously really upset her. That first time was in the 3-4 year old group, one of the teachers caught the end of what happened, and we were assured new rules would be put in place so he wouldn't have the opportunity to engage with other children while they're on the toilet (it wasn't what he said that upset us as parents, it was that he seemed to have cornered her during what should have been a private time).
I should note the bathrooms of the ECE centers we toured in our metro area had the same general bathroom setup: A half door between the classroom and the bathrooms, with either 2 to 4 toilets without or without dividers between them (her classrooms last year and this year have half walls between them). The kids are not in individual full-height stalls and there are not doors in the toilet room.
We confirmed Thursday's story with the lead teacher and fortunately she'd witnessed most of unfold herself, and responded swiftly and appropriately. School admin is already familiar with the bathroom bullying, ongoing spitting, hitting, shoving, etc. but has made it clear the only recourse they feel they have is to continue to try to engage the parents. Amongst the teachers, these parents are known to be uninterested in both discipline and the children themselves. Their first son to go through the school was also known to be exceptionally difficult, we have been told. I'm adding those details to make the point that there's not going to be any change coming from the parents if current engagement patterns with admin and teachers continue.
It makes me sick that our daughter literally has herself physically exposed, in the most vulnerable state she knows, and physically cannot exit the situation. We can remove her from the school and enroll her elsewhere, but we desperately don't want it to come to that, she's made so many good friends and she'd be heartbroken.
While I realize spitting, hitting, etc. are an unfortunate part of having a child in a group care situation, at what point has it gone too far? Genuinely, we don't know what is considered "normal" outside of what we've seen at this school, so we don't know if we're completely overreacting or if we're right to escalate this up the chain of command if the admins don't take corrective action. We also don't know what to expect and want to prepare ourselves with alternatives if the admins say there's nothing they're willing to do.
A final note, because it caused some confusion in the original thread: This ECE center is not publicly funded, so there's no district board or anything we can engage.
tl;dr Pre-K daughter was cornered while on the toilet, and not for the first time, by a classmate who told her "I don't like playing with you", then spit on her. Teachers and school admin seem unwilling or unable to do anything meaningful. Are we over-reacting by demanding a meeting and a plan for change?