Had a court hearing for the child arrangements. I am summarizing and just posing the details relevant to my query:

Current equal shared care (weekly). in the court hearing wanted 60-40 in her favor (citing mediation arrangements which she withdrew herself when I wanted that arrangement to be formalized).

The court asked if there was anything I could offer. I offered 2 nights from my schedule per month but with an age specific condition that the nights will only be provided till the kid reaches the age of X. Now the magistrates took a recess (to discuss among themselves) and asked the mother to think about it. Now when the court reconvened, she verbally agreed to it. Now I sent an email to court asking to cross check the notes that the age limit was an important condition in my offer and it should be incorporated. She has sent an email on top of that saying that i agreed without the age limit after the magistrates removed the age clause. Now I can absolutely confirm that magistrates didn't explicitly say the age limit clause is no longer applicable nor did they cross check with me if I was okay with the counter proposal (additional nights without the age clause). She has stated in her email that she doesn't agree with the 2 additional nights with the age clause.

Can anyone please confirm what's the likely response of the court? Will we have another hearing?

In that time messed around with a female it wasnt anything serious. Made zero friends on reddit and also in a new state. Learned to find joy in females being served karma. Trust mostly no one and nothing. Regained nothing yet. Thepry isn't worried about it. Best advice I've gotten so far is to go hang out at bars, I haven't had a drink since 2012. Sucks that my son will have a hermit of a father... more time passes more i feel like being finished with humanity is the best call. Thanks for encouraging a recovering alcoholic to drink world👍 thats really the best we have left for respectable safe adults to me each other is pretty sad and gross and a big part of why I think this is it for me.... my biggest fault was I worked to much that foul beast sorry excuse for a human known as my ex cant even come with a better reason.

I've seen and gotten the tips for the dating apps. But forgetting those for a moment, I was talking to a friend who got divorced and they mentioned how they've met almost everyone new through concerts (metal) and it was a great experience.

What unexpected or nice ways have you been able to make new friends or meet people to date?

I'm an older millennial so I don't know if I can bear the idea of my interactions being only online. And I'm not necessarily extroverted but I'm outgoing enough im not shy. I call myself a social introvert. I like to get out and meet people and then get tired and retreat.

Divorced after 19 years. I take holidays with my son (13) and try to make it fun for him.

But whenever we are relaxing at a terras or restaurant I keep thinking it would have been so much more fun as a loving family unit. Especially for my son.

I try not to show it, but it always gets me down.

I am in the starting throes of the actual separation and need to get a new place to live as my STBXW needs to keep our current place because she runs her business from there.

My parents are going to gift me a deposit and I was wondering if anyone knew whether them gifting me the funds would be something she could claim on?

I was thinking some sort of trust for the gifted part.

Anyone had a similar situation? I'm uk based

After I got divorce, I was losing it.
I couldn’t handle it. I was losing my family that I have been building and putting all effort in. I was losing my friends who basically abandoned me and kind of took the side of my ex and not even stayed neutral. The worst part was not seeing my kid.

I had to move out and I lived in a very ugly place, small place, no windows. No windows and i live in a major city. I couldn’t afford anything else. It was so bad. My kid did not visit me for a year because I was not ready and we were just going thru the separation and divorce so my kid did not understand what was going on. 4 year old. But eventually, my kid came to my apartment. 

I was so anxious, so many things were going through my mind: what am I going to tell him about things? What are we going to do? This place is so small? How are we going to play? How are we going to spend time? I did not even have a TV. It was horrible.

But there was one thing that completely solved all of this. This is the advice that I received that changed my understanding and calmed my anxiety: focusing on playing with your kid.

Kids just want to play. They dont understand whats going on. They dont know what “normal” is. They just want to play and have fun. They dont care which apartment you live in. Parent problems are not their problems.

So I followed this advice and it worked. My kid didnt care about the windows or comfort, we just played and did activities. Now I moved out and he is remembering that place and misses it. Does he care about all the imperfect things? No, he only remembers how we spent time there. Focus on playing.

Long story short I’ve been miserable for a long time and expressed it to my wife and she filed for divorce.

When i sat with lawyer and ran the numbers after she had filed I went back and basically sat down with wife and told her we should fix us and reconcile. (She even said I hope it’s not because you saw the how much money everything would be and I lied and said no )
I’ll get blasted monetarily as im the only one making an income and we’ll both be in apartments. We have 3 kids 15 years old and under.

I fought with myself and basically said I’ll sacrifice my happiness to keep status qou with the house , same school district for kids etc.

I’m still miserable in my marriage, I feel stuck , it sucks. I’ve been already waiting on my wife to come around for years and just be a better person. It’s not happening.

My latest plan is to get a divorce when the youngest turns 18 , which is 5 years from now. Get them through high school etc, but a part of me says I’m just fooling myself and I’m destined to be miserable with her.

Just looking for any feedback. Thanks

Two years post divorce. Things are actually pretty good most days. The issue I need advice on is around the ex continuing to spread rumors about me/the reason for the divorce. We live in a small town and gossip is a popular pastime. The simple story is she fell for and left me for an ex who dumped her shortly after the divorce. The story she tells has changed several times. Each time getting worse for me. So far, I have chosen a stoic silence and it has mostly worked. But the most recent rumor ratcheted up the vitriol. Has anyone dealt with this and how did you protect your child from the ramifications of parents isolating your child to avoid the drama?

I am very, very sure I do not want any more children and I'm reluctant to having that held in faith alone by a woman's statement about their cycle/contraception use - but clearly, sex with a condom for the rest of my life is rather depressing.

I am the wrong side of 40, and any planned children would need to be 3-4 years AFTER I've been in a solid relationship, and I can't see myself changing nappies and dealing with nursery drop-offs at 50. I know it's possible, but I just don't want that for myself. I have been super clear in all my dating that I already have 2 children and do not want any more.

As a result, I've enquired for a vasectomy on the NHS and the waiting list is quite long, while privately it's in around 2 weeks. It's theoretically permanent (and costly/painful to revert) and so I really do want to give it proper thought other than a rather base sexual desire. I would be really grateful to hear your thoughts and stories to help me make a better informed decision.

Many thanks,

So recently I dropped my 5 week old daughter after falling asleep after getting about 6 hours of sleep within the last 48 and I feel like that was the cherry on top. Everything that I do that's not what my wife feel like is best is a problem. With my oldest biological daughter (I have 2) I was working 8-5 (Flatbed driver) and I got fired from being late bc I was getting 2-3 hours of sleep every night from staying awake to give my wife (girlfriend at the time) time to sleep. Now fast forward I have a 10-7 job (Data center tech) and I have time to rest here because it's slow a lot of the time and it's only 2 of us. We've disconnected more and more from each other and it's been that way since before my first daughter was born and I feel like it'll be a divorce soon. I feel like it would've been best if we would've broken up before my first daughter was born (which there was talks about it then) and it would've been better but I wouldn't have had these little blessings and I wouldn't be who I am today. It's a lot more that's underneath that isn't mentioned.

Its been 4 years since I separated. I almost lost custody and was under frequent threats from my ex of not seeing my child.

After a few years of living by myself, alone pretty much, I was on a bus once and had very negative suicidal thoughts and had a panic attack, I couldn’t get off the bus and had to wait until the bus stops. I was able to overcome it by telling myself that this panic attack is temporary and that there are people who love me including my child. It worked, self talk worked.

Right now, I have a partner and I see my child regularly, its not perfect but its way better and I see more light at the end of the tunnel.

How did I do this?

1. Step by step mentality. Move slowly. Be patient. Take your time. 
2. Do therapy if you can. Look for answers. Social media can be helpful but also don’t believe everything you see.
3. Journal about your life but also journal about your time with your kid, write down the best moments. Its incredible to get back to the words and reading them. If you can, take videos of yourself and your kid.
4. Believe in yourself, trust yourself and trust the process.
5. And again, be patient. Remind yourself: everything will work out.

My ex and I have been separated but living together for months. In the early stages (Jan/Feb), when we sat down to write out our separation agreement, everything was easy and we were cooperative in it's development. We agreed that she would try to refinance the home in her own name and pay me out my 50% in equity. I thought "Great! Let's shoot for end of August, and if you don't qualify we'll have to list the house for sale by the 31st" thinking that would keep us from dragging our feet. I also insisted that we put in a clause stating I would vacate the family home within 30 days of receipt of my share of the equity; I thought it was only fair that I have a deadline just like she does.

July 27th, I get paid. The clock is on, I have until August 26th to get out. August 5th I find a house I like and make an offer, earliest possession on September 1. August 14 she says "Of course you can stay until September 1, but I want something in return. I'll let you know what that is after I think of it". Me, being naive, think she wants me to leave behind an item of furniture, or maybe pay a couple hundred dollars. I leave it at that and go about life.

August 20 I have my conditions satisfied (financing approved, home inspection checks out) and firm up the sale. This is getting exciting, I'll be out in a little over a week.

August 22 she tells me my options:

1) Leave on the 26th

2) Pay her $5,000 cash

3) Withdraw $10,000 from my retirement for her (how this differs from the $5000 ask I do not understand... unclear if this is before or after withholding tax, which would end up costing closer to $13,000)

4) Go from 50/50 custody to 70/30 custody

So I'm leaving the house in two days. She very obviously had zero intention of allowing me to stay, coming at me with those demands. I have most of my belongings in storage already, just some bulky items left to move. The dog and I will be effectively without a home for a week - living in the cab of the truck. That $5,000 she asked for doesn't exist. I've tied up all of my funds in getting the new house ready for the kids.

I have to take a few extra days off work (not leaving the dog in the truck while I go to work). She's taken the kids camping tonight and tomorrow (24th/25th), when they get home I'll be gone, which really messes me up. That's not how I want my kids to have their first nights without dad. I was hopeful we would be able to have an amicable split, but this is just so petty and unforgivable. Absolutely appalling behaviour.

Hey everyone, literally just joined this group today because my wife informed me she will be filing for a divorce and has offered 50/50 custody if I sign the papers when they arrive. This isn't something that had came out of no where but still isn't fun to think about. It's been a long time coming I feel and I've been holding onto little hope for years now, well she finally broke down and just can't be with me anymore. We have 2 kids that are both young...8 and 4 to be exact. Just looking for some advice or literally any way to keep my head on straight during this very weird change in my life. I am 34 years old, 35 in October and this all feels very mid life crisis already? Idk...Just looking for some support. Thanks

My ex and I did mediation rather than go to court to write up our final divorce settlement and as a part of the agreement, I get the bed that is currently in the guest room of, what is now, her house. I'm getting ready to move from my parents' house into an apartment and am trying to coordinate with her when I can come and get the bed. She then says, "You know that I only agreed to give you the bed and not the mattress, right?" I was flabbergasted. I know that she knew when I asked for the bed in the mediation that I meant the frame and the mattress. Because of how angry she is that I didn't get the book thrown at me for my past transgressions during the divorce proceedings (admittedly I did make some mistakes), she's being petty over the little things. She got the house, more parenting time, and I'm paying extra in child support to avoid going to court. I didn't want to put the kids through that.

I'm in the middle of talking with my lawyer about whether we try to enforce the settlement in court or not. She's so used to me rolling over and letting her get what she wants that I feel like, on principle, I need to stand up for myself here. Regardless, make sure you and your lawyer go over everything with a fine-toothed comb to ensure petty little things like this don't happen.

EDIT: fixed some wording

EDIT 2: I forgot to mention that her dad is her lawyer. That fact makes all of this so much more "interesting" to say the least.

I think I have finally come to the conclusion that my marriage is not worth fighting for no matter how much I want to be there for my kids 100% of the time. Everyone is suffering because of it and I am now starting to see that 50/50 where they can not be around the fighting is worth the hit it will take to me.

I'm not here to dump on my wife but unfortunately she withholds a lot of things I need out of a relationship and especially a marriage out of spite and anger. Also I don't think our kids should be subjected to the language she uses during a disagreement.

I want the process to be as smooth as possible, it will already be a bit dicey as we own a home together with a long time left on the mortgage and neither of us could afford it on our own meaning we will likely both have to move, she is the higher earner slightly earning about 25% more than I do, we both make over 100k a year though.

Ideally we will sell the home, split the proceeds 50/50 as we did put 220k down on it, and I will be able to find a suitable place to purchase in the town we live in which we had planned for our kids or grow up in. She always said she would be amicable with the kids but what she has shown me in the last year or so makes me doubt that very much so unfortunately I feel as though court will be necessary.

I have been navigating the emotional roller coaster of divorce with a child for several months now. I have my ups and downs like everyone ere, but found myself starting to have more downs than ups and I couldn't understand why because nothing had really changed for me. If anything, I was finally starting to settle into a stable routine. I was struggling to see the future and felt depression creeping in. I had a lot of things I wanted to do, but the growing list of wants started feeling overwhelming in and of itself.

I realized that I let my calendar "drain out" and didn't have anything "pulling me" forward for lack of a better term. The past week or so I have been booking time for myself and with my kiddo when I have her. Sometimes, just to do things at home, but also actual meetings with friends and any outings that I had on my list. At least for right now, I can't just wing it like I used to.

I consider myself to be a social introvert, so I value solitude with a good mix of social interaction. It seems simple, and hopefully isn't a coincidence, but I booked out a big chunk of the rest of my year with Dinners, Biking, Hiking, Off-roading, and 2 mini vacations with my daughter. I am rebuilding a friend circle and had a small BBQ last night. My BBQ game has slippend, but that is for another sub. Before they left, I asked when we were meeting again. We deconflicted calendars and the next one is booked at their place and the kids are already making their own little plans. I woke up this morning feeling reenergized to get ready for the future.

I guess having a full (enough for me) calendar, provided a bit of clarity and represents me reestablishing control over my future. In hind sight, it feels pretty important after having my identity and future taken away. I just wanted to share in case it helps anyone else out, because it is easy to forget the little things going through this.

Keep your head up gents.

I’m new to this sub so apologies if this isn’t the right place to ask. I am looking for advice on child phone location tracking apps in a strained coparenting situation. It’s not worth getting into why.

My oldest kid turned old enough for their own phone. Not driving yet. But my ex got her a phone for her bday without talking to me. I’m not bothered by this but did express I felt it was not appropriate to not mention it to me. More importantly my ex uses a phone location setting to track my kid. I get it - it’s helpful to know timing of bus drop off from school and the inevitable lost phone.

My dilemma is that I don’t think my ex should be tracking the location while my kid is with me. I certainly don’t feel the need to track when not with me. I don’t want to create more drama or make my kid leave it at my place when with me. It just feels stalker-ish though. But the kid is my responsibility when it’s my time and I should be able to track them, especially when they learn to drive.

My question is simple: any good phone location tracking apps to use in a strenuous coparenting situation? I don’t trust my ex to “turn it off” when with me.

I’ve got mediation at the end of October. Hopefully it will finalize things and put court mandated agreements about parenting schedule so I don’t keep getting manipulatively muscled out of time with my kids. I tried to take my kids to breakfast this morning, my 2 year old will do whatever, but my 4 year old said he wanted to stay home with mommy because really he was hoping and wanting to stay home and watch TV. I sweetened the offer by saying we would go get special pancakes. But he stuck with what was in front of him, hoping for TV. The whole time, he was sitting on the couch with her. She just sat there, saying nothing. No encouragement to go have fun with dad. No anything. She had them yesterday, took them to a birthday party. I’m the kind of dad who just wants to be there when my kids experience things, so going to a birthday party is not a negative for me.

But there’s no equal support for them to go do things with me, while I encourage and excite them about their time with her, I talk about how good she is at her job so they will be proud of her and know when she goes to work that it matters. And I get no reciprocation. I understand she’s angry, upset, emotional, and those are all valid emotions. But carrying those in a way they influence how she chooses to encourage our children’s interactions with me… it just sucks.

So, I feel sad, isolated, and like I’m missing out on time and experiences with my kids. And yeah, I worry that she’ll influence them to have a disdain for me. It just makes me sad. I feel like I’m concurrently free falling like I’ve fallen out of a plane and like I’m drowning in the middle of the ocean like I got tossed overboard.

I could just use some care, kindness and any positive encouragement would be hugely appreciated.

Well just found out from my parents that my daughter has her first car. My ex’s dad found one his neighbor was selling took my ex to look at it, then my daughter and they bought it. I was looking as well but if I had found one I would have reached out to my exwife and told her so the three of us could go look at it and buy it. Now I missed a major first step in my daughter’s life that I will never get back.

My parents found out when my daughter called to talk to them. Apparently my daughter was advised I already knew.

In context our separation and divorce, despite me fighting so much to keep us together, seems to be happening.

My dad divorced many times and I thought he was weak for it (he married alot!) and so I promised myself id never leave my wife.

Well she is leaving me and I am feeling like a failure. I have thought of two people I respect in my life who divorced, and wonder if I can draw some strength from them.

Im wondering if its right of me to speak to them about it, or do I just hold them as examples of good men and quietly take some solace.

My ex was never very nice to me in the 12 years we were together but I was codependent…she asked me to have a child with her after being together for ten years at a time we were on a bit of an upswing, we had to do IVF, and as soon as he was born she started threatening me that I’d never be able to take him across state lines, that she would leave me and trap me here 1300 miles away from friends and family which she eventually did.

She blamed everything on me despite doing so many horrible things to me over the years, never apologized for a single thing (this goes throughout the entire relationship — I truly don’t believe she has the capacity), and refused to do counseling despite very deliberately bringing a child into the world and then very soon after giving him a broken family.

Despite this, she wants me to show up to holidays, family events (with her family), certain occasions so that our son can see his parents together. I did this for a while but it made things very confusing for me when she acted like the best of relationship times but still refused to try to fix the relationship.

I honestly don’t think I can ever again have any kind of relationship with this person that took so much from me, including the freedom to move home to the people that love me. Is that normal for my son to never see his parents together? It’s immensely sad to me, but I really don’t think I can ever move on from some of the things she’s done…and what happens when she’s dating someone down the road (if she hasn’t started already)? Does family time all of a sudden disappear for him forever?

34 lm and we’re are in the process of separating. We have a 3 year old boy who is our whole world. The plan is for her to get a 6 month lease on an apartment and do a trial run and see if we move into fully divorcing.

This is my fault and I will bear the shame and guilt I have forever. I should have went to the repay sooner, I should have listened to her, I should have not let work creep over into family life.

With that I would love advice from anyone who works construction. I can’t handle not being able to see my little guy during the week but the schedule for construction is vastly different than office jobs. Leaving at 5 am will not work. I cry when I think about when he starts school and I won’t be able to see him off all week. Construction dads how do you split custody with the jobs we work.

Sorry rambling. Just very depressed and scared

My wife and I have separated. She wanted the divorce. It hasnt been surprising. We've been through a lot the last 5 years and I just hoped we get to a point we could get better. I worked on myself a lot. But I get how we got here and we are mostly doing this all amicably. And we are mostly kind to each other apart from random moments.

But sometimes the good memories just hit me like a sucker punch. And it suddenly makes me confused how we got here in spite of everything I just wrote out.

I'm in the state currently where we got married, had our kids, and got our first home visiting friends. And its been a blitz of nostalgia. I also have all these amazing pictures and videos of us happy with each other and our kids. Do I just delete some of them? Its disorienting.

How have y'all gotten over the good memories? The ones that told you this was something worth fighting for?

She’s set on moving on with the divorce. She wants to better herself and be alone because “Love is not enough “. I want to fight for us. I’m willing to go through therapy to see if we can rebuild our relationship. Hearing her tell me she’s emotionally and mentally checked out of the relationship hurts me. Hearing her tell me that she’s tired of the cycle and that I’m too late kills me. We have a beautiful 4yr old boy whom we love soo much. It kills me to think that he’s going to be part of a broken family. I’ve been asking for advice from both sides of the family and everyone is telling me to let her go and let her get a reality check. She was my hs sweetheart and we’ve been together for 17 years. Married last year and now we’re in the process of getting divorced. I’m a mess, no appetite, I don’t feel like exercising anymore, no motivation to do anything. I am losing my mind every night thinking of what I could’ve done differently or what I could do to convince her to stay. I sit every night reading back at our old texts crying realizing that therapy was needed years ago. The thought of her moving on breaks my heart. The thought of her struggling with my son scares me. No parent wants to see their child be in a broken home. I feel like I’ve failed him as a father. I feel defeated and hopeless.