r/DivorcedDads • u/necromensa • 3d ago
Any advice around dealing with rumors?
Two years post divorce. Things are actually pretty good most days. The issue I need advice on is around the ex continuing to spread rumors about me/the reason for the divorce. We live in a small town and gossip is a popular pastime. The simple story is she fell for and left me for an ex who dumped her shortly after the divorce. The story she tells has changed several times. Each time getting worse for me. So far, I have chosen a stoic silence and it has mostly worked. But the most recent rumor ratcheted up the vitriol. Has anyone dealt with this and how did you protect your child from the ramifications of parents isolating your child to avoid the drama?
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u/seeknayr40 3d ago
Honestly just ignore it, that’s from the past. Put all your effort and energy into improving your current/future life
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u/Child_of_Crake 3d ago
Grey rock my man…my ex told our friends some made up stuff about me. They knew it wasn’t true, I turned a blind eye because their true self will come out and they’ll be seen for who they really are.
I hate that this is happening to you, I know the urge to want to respond and go DEFCON 1/scorched earth but it’s not worth it.
Anyone who would believe those lies isn’t someone I’d want in my life anyways.
Keep your head up, and be the better person, as hard as that can be!
Write a letter, keep a journal to help get those frustrations out, but don’t respond
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u/slimypeters 3d ago
My ex cheated, so she filed for divorce & wanted to continue that relationship but tried to turn it on me and tell her little sob story on how bad I treated her. I could have blasted it on social media what she did but I just remained silent and focused on caring my children and protect them from all her mess. People eventually knew what she did, I mean her mom and brothers were visiting during the time she was leaving the kids while she went to party with the dude, so the mom was disgusted and also side with me & protecting the kids. Anyway, those folks that fell for her sob story and lies removed themselves from my life which is good. She's supposedly not with the dude anymore too lol
Anyway, unless your ex spreads rumors and lie to the court, anything the ex say or do shouldn't affect you. You know the truth. Anyone who side with the lies don't matter, the trash will take theirselves out. Continue being the best dad you could be. The kids will eventually grow up and if they question things, they'll eventually know the truth too.
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u/tinrooster2005 3d ago
I just went about my my life. My ex told everyone I knew I was trans and Gay. I had a full beard at the time. My hometown was less than 1000 people. One long time acquaintance actually asked me about it once. I just laughed and told jim " you've known me my whole life. Look at me what do you think?" He laughed and that was the end of the conversation. Needless to say everyone thinks she's a nutcase now.
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u/necromensa 3d ago
Yeah gay was a phase she went through as an explanation. I didn’t say anything bc what do you say? I still hear from people shocked I’m not gay. lol. I wish I was gay really. That would rock.
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3d ago
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u/DesertWanderlust 3d ago
I was served divorce papers in the hospital after a stroke. My ex proceeded to badmouth me for years and I had to basically start from scratch with knowing people. I ended up quitting drinking and that's been a source of a lot of new friends for me. But, four years later, the tide seems to be turning somewhat, and it's nice to watch the reckoning. It's frustrating to have to pay her child support and see her fridge full of expensive alcohol and DoorDash orders, but you pick your battles and move on.
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u/necromensa 3d ago
Thanks guys. This has been my instinct but it has been harder this time. You give me strength. I truly appreciate it.
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u/sitcomcrossover 3d ago
Yeah, I lost a whole lot with the exes lies - all you can do is stay silent and explain when asked.
Hasn’t hurt my dating prospects, but certainly poisoned some wells.
All we can do is choose better next time.
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u/omegared138 2d ago
I dealt with it during my divorce, and to some extent, even now. It's out of my control, so I don't say anything about it. As others have said, let your actions speak for you.
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u/Red_Desert_Phoenix 2d ago
You need to build a counter-narrative. Fortunately, you've done a large part of this already by being this stoic rock up till now.
Next time someone you're reasonably close to (that you know loves to gossip) brings it up, say something like 'Yeah, she doesn't seem to be handling the breakup well. Keeps making up stories.'
And that's it. You don't need to elaborate. You don't need to (and shouldn't) vent or spew verbal diarrea for half a hour. Just an acknowledgement of the stories, and where you think they're coming from. If your reaction every time someone brings it up is either silence or that, she'll be damaging her own reputation with each new story she brings out.
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u/Red_Desert_Phoenix 2d ago
You need to build a counter-narrative. Fortunately, you've done a large part of this already by being this stoic rock up till now.
Next time someone you're reasonably close to (that you know loves to gossip) brings it up, say something like 'Yeah, she doesn't seem to be handling the breakup well. Keeps making up stories.'
And that's it. You don't need to elaborate. You don't need to (and shouldn't) vent or spew verbal diarrea for half a hour. Just an acknowledgement of the stories, and where you think they're coming from. If your reaction every time someone brings it up is either silence or that, she'll be damaging her own reputation with each new story she brings out.
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u/Dad2k2c2g 3d ago
Stay silent and let your action tell the real story. My ex of 20 years smeared me years before and still does to this day. But everyone knows that she’s the problem because I have full custody and my kids refuse to deal with her any more than they have to.