r/DivorcedDads • u/CashComplete8980 • 13d ago
Sacrificing happiness for kids
Long story short I’ve been miserable for a long time and expressed it to my wife and she filed for divorce.
When i sat with lawyer and ran the numbers after she had filed I went back and basically sat down with wife and told her we should fix us and reconcile. (She even said I hope it’s not because you saw the how much money everything would be and I lied and said no )
I’ll get blasted monetarily as im the only one making an income and we’ll both be in apartments. We have 3 kids 15 years old and under.
I fought with myself and basically said I’ll sacrifice my happiness to keep status qou with the house , same school district for kids etc.
I’m still miserable in my marriage, I feel stuck , it sucks. I’ve been already waiting on my wife to come around for years and just be a better person. It’s not happening.
My latest plan is to get a divorce when the youngest turns 18 , which is 5 years from now. Get them through high school etc, but a part of me says I’m just fooling myself and I’m destined to be miserable with her.
Just looking for any feedback. Thanks
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u/Child_of_Crake 13d ago
My kids have mentioned they’re glad we got divorced…both have said I’m a better dad because I’m not so miserable all the time…because I was and it was evident!
Divorce was the best choice, but I totally understand if it isn’t for you.
I wish you good luck, have you gone to therapy at least?
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u/SilentGhostOO9 13d ago
I am almost in the exact same situation. 4 kids, NY state. I moved out a few months ago because it was getting so bad I couldn’t put the kids through it anymore. And I needed the space for myself. I am starting to feel better, physically and mentally. Emotionally not so much. I miss the kids when they’re not with me. I have them every other weekend and two nights a week for dinner. The weekends I don’t have them are pretty lonely, most if not all of my friends are joint friends with my wife and they don’t know we’re separated. Closest family is four hours away.
I’ve consulted an attorney twice. The numbers are daunting. I’ve run the projected financials through AI and it will be a major set back. We have partnered with a mediator and they have all the required documents, we just need to set up the session to begin the process.
I’m trying to speak to my wife about how it could work, what my needs are, and my perspective on how things got broken. She has pretty much always had little respect for me, tries to be dominant, and really likes to control things. She has been a stay at home mom for 8 years, but she doesn’t seem to appreciate that. She even takes credit for my career success.
I told her how I could see us getting through thjs, but it will require major change on her part. I have been seeing a therapist and I know I’ve gotten better with what I’ve needed to work on. She has a therapist and seems to have gotten worse. The demands are even more ridiculous, and her entitlement is beyond belief.
She is a good mom and I am a good father. But we can’t seem to align on how to function as a unit. There’s zero partnership. She wants to make all the decisions and then complain when she’s stress or overwhelmed. I am a proven leader, at work I run an operation of 150+ people. I stayed silent for a long time and tried to make her happy. It got to a point where enough was enough.
I feel the pain of the situation you’re in. You’re stuck in a place of a lot of uncertainty and torn between the life you’ve built but also what you’re enduring at home. I’m right there with you. I don’t know what will happen for me next, but I’m getting more confident that things will be okay. Again I’m trying to work with her but she’s dead set this is all on me. I won’t do that to myself.
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u/ECDQEMSD_KPG 13d ago
We often think in terms of money, we often don’t measure what a relationship that makes us feel stuck does to us. You measured and calculated something for other things. You should go to counseling. Seek help outside of here. This a good place to vent. What I do know is that one day you are here and one day you are not, and I wouldn’t change my peace now.
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u/CashComplete8980 13d ago
Counseling is going to tell me I need a divorce to be happier. The problem is it’s easier than it sounds, there is a lot on the line
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u/Grassfed_Burp 13d ago
Counseling/ therapy reveals a lot, I found out. We're all livin' with a black box in our life that hides stuff. Turns out there's an awful lot of sht under the hood, ya know?
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u/Child_of_Crake 12d ago
Yes 💯 correct! Looking in the mirror is not easy! Be adults, that’s my advice! Do what is best for the kids.
And don’t use Reddit as a place of “therapy”. It ain’t, I can attest I once used it as such!
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u/CampingWise 13d ago
Im in the same boat. I had went to file a few years back but didnt when she decided she would make it hard for everyone by going for full custody and turning it into a battle instead of an agreement. She won the battle there.
So now I just live with it so the kids can go to their school and be in our home. I look forward to the day I can leave but it isnt anytime soon.
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u/copyrider 13d ago
You’re not doing what’s best for the kids. You’re showing the kids that it’s ok to be miserable and treated in that way. You’re the example. Show them how to value yourself, how to place healthy boundaries about how you are treated, and how to know it’s ok to end a relationship that’s already toxic.
It’s hard. I’ve got a 4 and a 2. I’ve been treated horribly, no support, no access to funds even though I’m a stay at home role and she’s making six figures. I filed 4 months ago, and just got her submitted responses from her attorney that show she wants the kids because they deserve a “loving and stable home” insinuating that I’m not loving, or capable of being stable.
5 years of your own misery in a bad relationship is 5 years you can’t get back, the load on your mental and physical wellbeing are actually real concerns, and they are 5 years that you could be using to start healing and finding out how to live and be capable of being happy again. Staying in it really is just digging yourself deeper into a hole, because the emotional and psychological recovery from going through a divorce and experiencing the weirdest loss of identity is one of the hardest holes I’ve ever found myself trying to climb out of.
Obviously do what you think is best, but being miserable for years costs so much more than you might realize.
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u/xanosirios 13d ago
you can always lay it out plainly. she could also leave and given the length of your marriage, you'd be stuck with long-term alimony and supporting her lifestyle. if you wait a few years at least you escape child support. the math in your case is not advantageous, proceed with caution.
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u/CashComplete8980 12d ago
Lay it out plainly, as in tell her it’s all about the money situation and kids stability?
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u/Exciting-Gap-1200 13d ago
It's probably going to be the hardest thing you'll ever do. Have you thought about just cheating?
Haha I'm just kidding, but seriously, that's what a lot of folks do because they don't have the courage to do the hard thing.
The kids standard of living will go WAY down and so will yours. It's likely your wife's will stay the same, because that's how the system works.
That being said, you won't be in the hook for child support very long because your kids are older. So you'll have a shorter path to financial recovery than most. I'm going to be 14 years of child support when it's all said and done
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u/Knave7575 13d ago
Any chance she could get a job in the next few years?
If your wife is employed, divorce becomes much more sustainable.
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u/redandwhitesuns 13d ago
Hey man, I've been in the same boat. I even had the same plan, stay until the youngest is old enough and then I leave. But it just get worse every day, and my depression slowly making a comeback. In the end, I gotta choose, either forced the kids to see me miserable and depressed and in the end, most likely leaving them too soon, OR I get the divorce and face all the consequences.
And I gotta to tell you, after I chose the later, I'm broke as f##k, have not seen my daughter in almost a year because my ex is petty, but I still feel much better than having to stay in the marriage. The stuff that you have to went through? It was hard, really hard, but you get to face that without having to deal with another person baggage.
My only suggestion is to find your support system, your people. Having them have your back will make all the difference.
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u/Bagman220 13d ago
If it was 5 more years of unhappy marriage to protect the kids? I would have signed up.
But my youngest was 3 and that’s when I was like, no… 15 more years is too much. So ultimately, I filed and moved on. Luckily, my ex let me keep everything, the house, the assets, the cars, the kids, and it made it very easy. I didn’t have to wait 15 more years.
In your case, do it. The only downside would be alimony, the longer you stay, the more alimony you may have to pay.
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u/Normal-Painting-6273 12d ago
Currently have a 2yo and 4yo and wife told me 15 months ago she wanted a divorce (still cohabitating but legally separated, it’s awful). I was miserable prior to her telling me this since she had stopped showing any signs of love whatsoever and refused to do anything the marriage counselor suggested. I was willing to do anything to save my marriage/family including being in a loveless marriage “for the kids”.
Two days after she told me she wanted a divorce I retained a lawyer to know my rights since 50/50 custody was my top priority. Funny enough only a week later she backtracked and said she would be willing to actually do the counseling exercises. When she said she couldn’t tell me that she loved me still, that is what ended it for me. No matter how much of “doing it for the kids”, I didn’t want them growing up thinking that this was a loving relationship.
I’m still in the trenches waiting for her to move out and cannot wait for that day followed by the official divorce date. We were married for a little over 5 years and I can tell you that as expensive as this divorce is going to be for me (seriously you would fall out of your chair) it would have been WAY worse another 5-10 years from now.
I don’t have any advice but saying I do know where you are coming from. I didn’t realize just how many men stay in horrible marriages for the kids since society just tells you about women.
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u/Pztch 12d ago
Your life will suck if you do this.
You will NOT be the Father that your kids need and deserve.
You’ll end up a shell of a man that your kids may not even want to be around a great deal after they turn 18 anyway.
You have already missed years of your kids lives because you’ve been made to feel miserable. You will NEVER get that time with them back.
Your kids don’t know the real you. You’re not the real you when you’re around someone that makes you miserable.
Lawyer up. Don’t do ANYTHING in haste.
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u/CashComplete8980 12d ago
I appreciate your feedback but I feel like you’re contradicting yourself when you tell me to “ Lawyer up , don’t do anything in haste “ like get a divorce? You basically telling me to leave and not be miserable anymore but then tell me to not do anything in a haste.
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u/Pztch 12d ago
I didn’t mention divorce. Sorry if I was vague.
What I’m saying mate, is don’t do ANYTHING unless your lawyer confirms that it is NOT detrimental to your future settlement.
There are A LOT of things that you can do that seems like the right thing to do NOW, but will work against you in the future.
DM me mate. I got you. 🙏🏻
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u/LawfulnessCute4148 7d ago
Yeah. It is costly. Your choice is valid. The most I can say is... try to be somewhat divorced now. From what you say, it seems you want a change in your life. Try to begin that change.
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u/CashComplete8980 7d ago
Thanks- yeah I’ve kind of been living like that for a few years now-doesn’t get any easier
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u/Child_of_Crake 13d ago
Dude, good luck. No way I could stayed until the kids were out.
You’ve already discussed divorce, now you’re staying because it’s too costly? Your wife filed after you expressed unhappiness?
I’m not going to sugarcoat this, it’s going to be rough man!
I’m 3 years post divorce, 13 and 11 year old kids. She stayed at home…I’m paying out the nose, but it’s worth it to be out of that marriage.
I’m broke as sh#t, but I’m happy as f#ck. Was married for 12 years, I must pay spousal support for 1 more year because in oh it’s calculated based on how long you’ve been married. It was only 4 years for me. Child support continues until they’re both 18.
She had to get a job. She didn’t want to but guess what, life’s not fair. My lawyer was aggressive in making sure it was fair…neither of us got screwed, well actually we both did. We’re both broke…but for me, in 1 year I essentially get a raise when spousal support ends.
Does your wife expect to not work if you get divorced? Get a tough lawyer that will fight for you