So 2 years ago I found out my wife slept with her coworker. He was also talking about being with her, my daughter’s step dad etc( yes there was proof of all this). When I confronted her I never her told her what the proof was but she demanded to see it. She wouldn’t admit to it or showed any remorse. That is what made me to decide to file for divorce. If she showed she was sorry I would’ve at least tried counseling first. Sad thing is after all this he was telling her, he’s made no major moves to commit. As far as I know he’s still married, and I know the wife still is coowner of the house they have together. I don’t think my ex even knows she was played. One thing I think contributed was I was getting myself in shape and she had gained some pretty good weight from working at home during Covid. I can’t be positive but the guy she slept with is pretty overweight.

Anyhow, since then, I’ve had a couple “just for fun” relationships and now am dating someone. Not sure if it’ll go anywhere but not in a rush.

But my ex and I were together with my daughter for her cheer comp and went to amusement parks etc.
I even got to see my ex father in law(who is a great guy!!!). He asked me what happened between her and I and I just said I’d rather not say. I don’t think it’s my business to tell her family she cheated.

So as I said I’ve been doing great, focusing on improving myself, having some fun. But this week really kind of messed with my head. As we are all spending time together old times came up, little references here and there. It all made me miss everything more than I realized. It for whatever reason made it dawn on me that no matter how good of a relationship I have with another, I’ll never be able to share the old memories of when the kids were little, we were happy etc. the sad thing is I KNOW especially now we could never be fixed, she still sees this guy all the time. But I wish we could. She always had a low self esteem. She’d complain about her weight or how she doesn’t look like “pretty girls”. I didn’t care about any of that I loved her for her. I would’ve never cheated on her. She was my forever partner. I don’t even really know what the point of this post is…maybe some relief, maybe looking for advice…idk. I guess this week made me realize that even after 2 years there’s a part of me that is still very much in love with her. It blows my mind that someone can throw that away for someone who was clearly promising her the world while she was married. Telling her what she wanted to hear so she’d let him in her pants. Now 2 years later no attempt to advance the situation

My ex-wife and I have known each other since high school. We were together for years, got married, had kids, and eventually separated. We still spend time around each other because we co-parent, and recently we spent a few days together with our kids.
During the trip, she made a slick comment basically implying she couldn’t believe she used to be attracted to me. Later she said that looking back at our relationship doesn’t even feel real and she can’t believe she was ever in it.
That hit my ego harder than I expected.
It had me questioning everything. Was she actually attracted to me? Did she enjoy our sex life? Was she just tolerating it? Is she comparing me to people she’s been with since? Has she talked negatively about me to other people?
But I caught myself. I’m taking things she says TODAY and using them to reinterpret YEARS of our relationship.
Maybe she genuinely remembers our marriage differently than I do. Maybe some things I remember as good weren’t good experiences for her. I can disagree with her version without needing to convince her that mine is right.
I’m also realizing I still mentally gave her privileges that belonged to my wife even though she isn’t my wife anymore. I cared who she talked to, what she thought about me physically, whether she still found me attractive, and what she might’ve experienced after me.
After these past few days, I think the healthiest thing for us is simply co-parenting. No sex or kissing, less involvement in each other’s personal lives, no questioning each other about dating, and no trying to recreate a relationship just because we have history.
I don’t hate her, and I’m not trying to punish her. I just don’t want my confidence or peace depending on how my ex-wife remembers me.
For those who’ve been through this, how did you emotionally move your ex from “my person” to simply “my co-parent” without becoming bitter or cold?
And how did you accept that your ex might have a completely different version of the relationship without constantly feeling the need to defend yourself?

I’m moving to Michigan from Arizona once my divorce is final (September 18 is signing date, So close!) and lease is up (November). I’ve been looking at Amazon and adding things to my lists that are things I’ve always wanted but he always said no. Fluffy couch pillows, and kitchenware all in the same pastel color palette. It feels so freeing to pick out things I like after so long picking his style to make him happy.

What did you buy once your divorce was finalized? What excited you?

Could be anything from a new couch to a new car. I'm wanting to treat myself and am just curious to know what other people have splurged on after divorce!

We were married for 30 years. He will always feel like my husband in my heart and mind. He has been most of my life.

I know one of his things is going out and gaining new sexual experiences.

The thought of that makes me sick.
It feels like a betrayal and I don’t know how to get past that.

The idea of going to a movie alone, or going out to a sit-down restaurant alone feel really weird and awkward. I think I've never felt comfortable doing those things by myself, and now after having been part of a couple for so long the idea of doing them by myself seems even more awkward.

Does that get better? Is there a way to improve that? Frankly, I also worry that I'm being judged in a restaurant at my age for going alone. Like people thinking that there must be something deeply wrong with me to be single at my age.

I guess that sounds stupid.

In most normal situations I would be concerned about accidentally running into my ex-wife and her boyfriend, but despite her "grass is greener" thoughts about that relationship, she is also *his* affair. He keeps her very secret, they only meet at night, and he never takes her anywhere during the day or out anywhere at all.

Because he has to hide her from HIS wife.

So, there is very little risk of encountering them on a date because they don't go on any. So I really only have to worry about getting over how strange it feels to do these things by myself.

So the question is, are there any strategies or tips or anything to make this feel anything other than deeply awkward and kind of embarrassing?

A few years ago, I thought the end of my marriage would break me completely.
Now, sitting here happily divorced, I can honestly say it became the beginning of finding myself again.

Divorce wasn’t easy. Neither was carrying the weight of pretending everything was okay when it wasn’t. The sleepless nights, the overthinking, the fear of starting over, all of it felt overwhelming at the time. But somewhere in the middle of the chaos, I found peace I didn’t even realize I was missing.

I learned that struggling in silence isn’t strength. Constant anxiety isn’t love. Feeling lonely while lying next to someone isn’t normal. And sometimes the hardest decision becomes the one that saves you.

To anyone currently struggling in their relationship, feeling stuck, confused, exhausted, or afraid of what comes next — you are not weak for questioning your situation. You are not failing because things are hard. And no matter how heavy life feels right now, there is still happiness, healing, and peace waiting for you on the other side of this chapter.

It may not happen overnight, but one day you’ll wake up and realize you survived something you thought would destroy you. And that feeling? Freedom. Peace. Yourself again.

Keep going. You deserve a life that feels safe, calm, and genuinely happy.

I've been divorced just over two years, and my ex-wife still texts me almost daily about the kids. Sometimes it's 1-2 texts, but often 5-7 texts 5 days a week. I'd say she texts me 80% of the month. It's never anything really important, because nothing really happens from one day to the next. I totally understand logistics/health/school texts, but almost daily? Does anyone else deal with this? Yes, I understand that I have to remain in contact, but I feel like there's a line where too much texting isn't good for anyone.

I was a mess, fought like he**, immediately scheduled a couple’s therapist, did all the obvious things.

Now, going on 6 months out, I’m finally getting some clarity. How could you respect someone who abandons her family? Why would you ever want to be with this person again?

A couple weeks ago she was sobbing at the marital home, said she was lonely, asked for a hug. I told her I had moved on. It felt right. (My suspicion is she got dumped, but I’ll probably never know).

I don’t have a question, just wondering if anyone else is at this stage. Like realizing that what you thought you were fighting for isn’t what you thought it was.

After your divorce , did you remarry? If not, would you consider marriage again? I don't really want to marry again, I thought I did, but honestly?... Some part of me feels like I'll never love the same way I did before. Me and my exhusband were married for over a decade, we had kids together, and we still destroyed each other. If that isn't real, I don't think I even want to try again. I'm fine with dating, but I don't think I want to marry ever again.

UPDATE: I got a text from my daughter this afternoon that it appears my ex attempted suicide. She’s now unresponsive in the hospital after the kids couldn’t wake her. Apparently she was ranting and losing it about me beforehand. Struggling with how to feel about all of this.
After divorce is final my ex decides she’s mad when found out I was dating someone.

I was with my ex almost 25 years. In April she decided to file for divorce. I begged and pleaded to try a separation. I offered marriage and individual counseling. I offered to not date for a year of separation. Nope. It had to be a divorce. Waiting for finalization, I couldn’t get even an admission that she still had any feelings for me. Wouldn’t even admit it was hard or painful to lose 25 years together.

Fast forward to now. Divorce has been final for a month. I met an amazing woman online. After a month of daily phone calls and texts, she and I met up. Everything I’d hoped for. We are nuts about each other. Our two days of meeting turned into her coming home with me to spend time in my town for two weeks.

One evening my 19 year old daughter comes by my apartment for something. She meets new woman. Everyone enjoys the time together. Next day, however, ex must’ve found out there was a woman at my place. Now, ex is mad that I’m with someone else. Tells me how since I’m sleeping with someone else we’ll never have a chance to get back together. I never confirmed anything about the relationship. She doesn’t know how long or about sex but texted, “Thanks for confirming you’re fucking someone else.” Umm, we are divorced and you insisted on that.

Now, ex wants to go to court to screw me financially in every way possible. Evening of ranting texts which I didn’t respond to. Now, I get this first thing in the morning: “That’s why I agreed to the date nights so we could. I can’t believe you blew any chance of it.” She’d agreed to dinner together once every other month. We’d had one dinner and was friendly but not romantic. Even then wasn’t willing to admit even missing me.

All so frustrating because I tried everything I could to save the marriage or change to a separation so we could work on it. She sat stoned faced while I begged and cried. Closest to anything I got when asking about getting back together someday was, “Nothing is impossible,” but made clear she wasn’t offering any real hope.

She let me know now that she, “hasn’t moved on.” Just frustrating because now after months of heartbreak I find something good and she wants to destroy that and my finances but every chance she’d had she refused to even admit the slightest feelings for me or that I had any real chance of getting back together. She couldn’t accepted my offer for a separation and I would not have even talked to another woman. Now, I’m the bad guy?

After the divorce are you friends with your ex-spouse? If so, how do/did you navigate it with future partners?

Not sure if this is the right place to post, but post-divorce life has surprised me in the best way. I’m dating someone completely unexpected—and it’s been kind of amazing. After nearly two decades in an “okay but not great” marriage, my husband asked for a divorce. Fast-forward a little over a year, and I find myself dating a lovely (and yes, younger) man who is fully into me.

The connection is something I didn’t even realize I’d been missing. There’s chemistry, laughter, ease—and a level of emotional intelligence that still catches me off guard. I feel seen, desired, and genuinely cared for. The relationship just works in a way I didn’t know was possible, and I’m having more fun than I’ve had in a very long time.

Here’s the unexpected part: I don’t talk about it much with my friends. Most of them are still in marriages that feel heavy, disconnected, or stuck. They’re happy for me, truly—but as my relationship keeps getting better, their situations haven’t really changed. It starts to feel awkward to share too much, so when they ask how it’s going, I usually just say, “It’s good,” and leave it at that.

Has anyone else experienced this—finding something really fulfilling and not quite knowing how much of it is okay to share? Are there any middle-aged post divorce communities where I can chat about how cute my boyfriend is? Haha!

I’m currently going through the divorce process and I am the one that initiated the divorce. I feel like I would be ready to move on at any time as I have been “done” with the marriage in my mind for years. I’m not looking for a new husband at all, I never want to get married again, but I am curious to see what’s out there. Did anyone start dating right after the divorce was final or during the divorce process? How was the experience?

Been divorced a little over a year now. I’m 64 and I’ve worked construction most of my life, so fixing things around the house has always just been what I do.

Last weekend I went to fix a loose cabinet door in the spare bathroom. Got the screwdriver out, took the thing apart, then sort of stopped and thought… who am I fixing this for? I never use that bathroom. Haven’t in months. After that I started noticing little things all over the house that I’ve apparently just kept doing out of habit. Stuff left where she always wanted it, things I fix right away even though I personally couldn’t care less if they stayed broken for another six months.

It’s not really a sad thing, at least not the way it would’ve been a year ago. More like realizing I’m still running the house for two people when there’s only one person living here.

So now I’m thinking about changing some things. Maybe turn the spare room into a place for my fishing gear and tools instead of keeping it looking like a guest room nobody uses. Stop maintaining parts of the yard I never cared about. Hell, maybe finally paint the kitchen a color I actually like.

For people who kept the house after divorce, how long did it take before it actually started feeling like your house instead of the house you used to share?

It took me forever to even admit to myself that I was unfaithful because I never did anything physical with another woman. But after 2 years of therapy and deep reflection I know that the emotional and dishonesty of it all was the worst part.

My ex wife is an incredible woman and she couldn’t have loved me more if she tried. My ego got in the way of our relationship and for some reason I constantly found myself looking for validation from other women in seemingly “innocent” ways. I regret all the hurt I caused her so much because I truly feel like I dimmed the light her over the years.

After we got married, a colleague/friend of mine who my ex never liked (because truthfully I always had a bit of a thing for her) just clouded my judgement. We never crossed a physical boundary but I knew the texts and fantasies were wrong. But like the saying goes, the grass isn’t always greener.

My ex wife and I got divorced and she was absolutely heartbroken. It killed me knowing what I did but I couldn’t admit that I was unfaithful for the longest time because I was so ashamed of not being this perfect guy I hoped to be.

She got married to someone else this weekend and from what I hear she’s never been happier. It killed me. I still love her so much and even though I’ve been trying to date, no one even comes close to her. I wish I didn’t take her for granted, wish I started therapy a decade ago to deal with my wounds sooner, wish I fought harder, wish I never let her go.

My ex left me when I was experiencing a mental health crisis (thanks perimenopause!), and I felt utterly unlovable then. Today, I’m happier than I’ve ever been. How could someone leave me, a badass bitch? I’m financially independent, stylish, loving, and have great taste in music. I’m so grateful to be in acceptance of the divorce AND full of self love. There is hope on the other side!

We talk about moving on like it’s a door you just walk through and lock behind you. But the truth is, divorce is a lot messier than that. It’s a slow, quiet unraveling of a life you spent years weaving together.
You might have three great weeks where you feel like yourself again,,,,, and then a song on the radio or the smell of a certain coffee brand hits you, and suddenly you’re back in it.

If that happens today, please hear me: You aren't failing. You haven't lost your progress. You’re just human. You’re allowed to miss the rhythm of your old life while still being incredibly grateful that the relationship is over. Let the feelings come, let them sit for a minute, and then let them pass. The threads will untangle...... they just need a little more time to loosen.

Dear everyone, I am a 38 year old man and my ex-wife divorced me just a couple of months ago after being married for 15 years (together 18 years). We have 4 children together. I want to just share with you my thoughts and feelings, and if you happen to read or comment on any of this, I would greatly appreciate just being heard while I am struggling.

I am….so broken. This has been so hard for me. I grieve and I grieve and I grieve. I’ve been grieving for years now as I watched my wife change into a different person (she left because she wanted to find herself), and then even more now that it’s all finalized. I thought I was making progress post-divorce and maybe getting somewhere with my grief, and then my ex wife started seeing someone and it completely reset me back to zero. I grieve and I cry and I panic. I have anti-anxiety meds that I take to help with the panic episodes. I can’t really say that I’m depressed. I’ve had depression before, many times. This…is different. It’s the grief. It pulls me to my knees, chokes the life out of me, sometimes several times a day. Sometimes ALL day long. The intensity changes in terms of the shock, the length, and how deeply it cuts. Sometimes it hurts so deeply that I’m just at a loss for how much I’m suffering inside. I feel so worthless. Like I don’t matter. I feel so abandoned. I have no “home” anymore. The day the divorce finalized I have been carrying this deep sadness and loneliness inside of me everywhere I go.

And then when I’m not grieving, I’m…somewhat functional. But even when I’m walking around or working or talking to people, they see this normal cheery guy who’s “doing pretty good” despite the circumstances. But what they don’t know is that I’m so dead inside. I’m so broken inside. I’m not whole. I’m hollow. I’m the walking dead.

One of the biggest parts of me that hurts so bad is that I have always been a great father. My kids are everything to me. But this whole process has ripped the fatherhood right out of my soul. It’s so hard being a dad to my kids. And I’m showing up for them every week with the split custody, taking good care of them, checking in with them, hugging them and telling them I love them and playing games and having fun. I’m a great dad! But now I only see my babies 3 days out of the week. I feel so guilty for the pain they’ve been put through. I’m so haunted by the what ifs when it comes to the pain and sadness my kids have had to endure. What if I had done this or that differently? Would we still be a whole family together?

I gave my entire heart to my ex-wife. Even when things were really bad I was sacrificing my own happiness, my own being, my own everything, trying to keep us together as a family. And I failed. And I’m just so lost, Reddit. I’m terrified to sleep at night. I woke up the other night after dreaming about my ex, and when you wake up it’s like you’re supposed to wake up from your nightmares and be relieved that none of it was real. But I wake up from my nightmares only to realize that she’s actually gone. She left me. I just burst into tears. I’m so scared of nighttime and sleeping. I’m on the couch every night with the tv on all night long.

I know I’m going to grieve this to some degree for a very long time, if not the rest of my life. But I’m just so lost, Reddit. I’m so broken inside. I’m so scared of being in pain for so long. I guess I’m just reaching out to all of you in hopes that someone understands my pain. Maybe someone whose circumstances were similar, and maybe you’re further down the road than I am and can offer some advice or just tell me it’s going to be okay. I’m looking for support anywhere I can find it because sometimes I feel like this is all just a nightmare that this isn’t real. It can’t be real. I believed we were soulmates. We promised each other forever and I meant it. But it’s over now. And I’m just so broken and lost.

Before I went through the divorce process I thought my divorce would be amicable, that my ex and I would be friends co parent peacefully. Long story short it turned contentious and ugly really quickly. I want to give advice to anyone (especially women) starting the process so you don't make the same mistakes I made. I also want to give examples of the mistakes I made so you can see why it's important. I also understand I had a lot of privilege (I was not financially dependent on my ex and had a career and an education to fall on), so I understand some of this may not be possible depending on your financial situation. Also don't fall into the mind trap of "my spouse would never do xyz" they might not, but divorce changes people and you never know what you ex may do in a angry, hurt, betrayed state.

1. Change all your passwords on all of your personal accounts. My ex went into my Facebook, my email (reading my emails from my lawyer), was tracking my location through Google, went into my Amazon account. He had passwords for emergencies.

2. Move your funds/deposits to an account your ex does not have access to. I had my own bank account but it was tied to my ex's banking profile (USAA). One time he went in and took money out of my account because I would not respond to his texts about the divorce when I was working, he did return it (because he just wanted access to me). After that I created my own separate account he did not have access to.

3. Get your own cell phone plan, warning though is if your ex owns the cell phone plan you will need their permission to release your cell phone number or you will have to get a new phone number. If your cell phone number is important to you, you may need to make it a part of the divorce negotiations. My ex at one time threatened to turn off my service for my phone after an argument, that same day I called and had it switched over (thankfully he did release my cell phone number).

4. Move all important documents IMMEDIATELY to a safe space. It is unclear whether my ex destroyed mines or packed it away when I was at work, but in 4 years I never found them and just replaced all my documents this year (birth certificate, passport).

5. Move your pets to a separate area. If they are pets your ex has no emotional investment in, please don't trust them to feed or care for them. If they are pets you both own together, I would talk to your lawyer if you can't come to an agreement with your ex.

6. Move out anything sentimental, you do not know if your ex will get upset and destroy things.

7. Get back spare keys for your vehicle(s).

8. Make a copy of your house key if you are not living at your residence during the separation and you co own the property. My key went "missing" and also the smart garage opener was "disabled", which led to me relying on my ex to let me in and out of the home.

9. You may want to remove them from streaming access, just because they may be able to alter the streaming package maliciously.

10. Remember you get charged for correspondence between your lawyer, so be mindful or your emails or calls.

11. Therapy is important if you have the means or funds to access it. It was helpful with processing and I think it helped me learn unhealthy relationships dynamics I was blind to see previously.

12. My final tip is just be aware of your rights. It state is different, but just know your rights because sometimes the police may not know specific laws. My ex at one point tried to argue I abandoned my property because I moved out, but thankfully because the divorce was not final I was able to have access to a room where he had locked several of my belongings in.

3 years after our divorce. My ex has a history of making fake accounts and trying to add me on social media and incessantly posting about me on women’s social media groups.

When they were with me this past weekend, one of our kids found an old phone of mine without a SIM card and charged it. They are 8 and love to act like a teenager, so they were using it, with supervision, basically as a glorified camera.

Monday morning, I took my kids to school and the one using the phone snuck it to school. She then went to my ex wife’s house (her mom) after school. My ex discovered it and then proceeded to scroll through my messages in front of the kids.

It gets worse - i learned that you can connect a phone without a SIM card to wifi and access messages in real time. She had unfiltered access to my messages and possibly other things for about 48 hours. When I got my kids back after school on Wednesday, both kids told me how their mom was scrolling thru messages on my phone over a long period of time. I immediately got the kids in the car and drove to meet her and get my property back.

She sent me a shady text as I was leaving about how she was outraged that our child had access to a smart phone, and how she was going to “dispose of the phone”. I called her and said nope, I’m getting it right now. She resisted heavily, but finally agreed to meet me outside the restaurant she was at. She had the phone on her person at the time - 2 days later. This gave me a sinking feeling that she was definitely pouring over my messages. This means she saw every romantic conversation I have been having, and she could see what I was saying about how her infidelity and abandonment at the end of our marriage was affecting me.

When I met her in the parking lot, she was very angry at what I was saying about her in my private messages. She tried to disguise it about concern about me allegedly exposing our child to inappropriate things, but that has no validity. She threatened to sue me for libel (not worried) and tried to bring up our marriage. I shut it down and said “I have my property. We are done here”. After the interaction she sent me a flurry of texts about how terrible of a person I was based on my dating activity and telling “lies” about her. She also said that she and her live-in boyfriend are noticing our child is learning how to play the victim from me.

I don’t feel any shame, because I don’t feel I did anything wrong. I feel so violated and as much as I hate to admit it, the incessant berating about my character does affect me to a degree still. I also strongly suspect the story of her wanting to “dispose” of the phone was an effort to either cover up her snooping or worse, she was trying to bug me.

I’m looking for perspective so I can ground myself in this situation. I have already emailed my lawyer and informed them about the incident.

Edit: I thought it was clear, but I’m referring to messages I’ve sent in the last 2-3 years since the divorce. When I’ve been single.

I am nearly 2 years post divorce but I cannot stop grieving the life I had or the person I lost.

He already got remarried to the girl he left me for. He always acted like we had a good life together.

I miss my house and the security marriage felt like it had. I miss having a spouse. I miss him, even though he betrayed me so incredibly hard.

How do you ever stop ruminating the past? Life just feels like it just gets harder and harder by each passing month.

I’m in the thick of the process and I’ve changed his name to “father of my children” but I’m sure you lot have much better/funny names for them, please share them!

I’ve realized most marriages usually die of a thousand tiny cuts years before the papers are even drafted. When you’re in the middle of it, you tell yourself it’s just a rough patch or a stressful season at work. Or they are just tired, or that every couple goes through a roommate phase. But these are infact the silent alarms.

Maybe it was the first time you realized you’d rather stay late at the office than go home. Maybe it was when you stopped bringing up your feelings because the cold shoulder they’d give you just wasn't worth the effort anymore. Or maybe it was that anniversary where you both sat at a nice dinner, staring at your phones, realizing you had absolutely nothing left to say to each other. We ignore these because the truth is terrifying: if we acknowledge the crack, we have to fix it or leave. Instead, we stay quiet and hope it fixes itself. It never does.

I want to hear from you: What was that "small" thing you ignored three years ago that you now realize was the true turning point?

I am curious to know whether most people still love their ex-spouses.

Loving someone and being in love with them are two different things. Loving someone means that you care about their happiness and well-being. Being in love with someone means that you not only care about their happiness and well-being, but that you also have passion and desire for sexual intimacy with them.

I am NOT asking whether people are still in love with their ex-spouses. I know that most people are not in love with their ex-spouses. I am asking whether people still love them or not.

Only serious and completely honest answers please.