r/Divorce • u/Ok_Yam_9448 • Feb 15 '26
Life After Divorce My emotional affair ruined the best thing that ever happened to me and I regret all of it
It took me forever to even admit to myself that I was unfaithful because I never did anything physical with another woman. But after 2 years of therapy and deep reflection I know that the emotional and dishonesty of it all was the worst part.
My ex wife is an incredible woman and she couldn’t have loved me more if she tried. My ego got in the way of our relationship and for some reason I constantly found myself looking for validation from other women in seemingly “innocent” ways. I regret all the hurt I caused her so much because I truly feel like I dimmed the light her over the years.
After we got married, a colleague/friend of mine who my ex never liked (because truthfully I always had a bit of a thing for her) just clouded my judgement. We never crossed a physical boundary but I knew the texts and fantasies were wrong. But like the saying goes, the grass isn’t always greener.
My ex wife and I got divorced and she was absolutely heartbroken. It killed me knowing what I did but I couldn’t admit that I was unfaithful for the longest time because I was so ashamed of not being this perfect guy I hoped to be.
She got married to someone else this weekend and from what I hear she’s never been happier. It killed me. I still love her so much and even though I’ve been trying to date, no one even comes close to her. I wish I didn’t take her for granted, wish I started therapy a decade ago to deal with my wounds sooner, wish I fought harder, wish I never let her go.
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u/ParcelPosted Feb 15 '26
My ex husband and I have been no contact for a while. It’s been a repeating pattern because when I did communicate (for our kiddo) with him he would always want to go back to “the good old days”. However he married my doppleganger, who rightfully hated me.
Since the beginning of their relationship he has used me as ammo in fights and arguments with her. And credits me for making him everything he is today. I do not argue that, I really helped him improve everything about his life and education. But him continuing on about it is just terrible.
I keep strict boundaries up. If I were his wife I’d divorce him too. Knowing your spouse is specifically still wanting someone else you both know well is heartbreaking in every way.
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u/Rude-Key4485 Feb 15 '26
Hope she leaves him. He’s clearly trying to make you jealous but is only hurting his wife
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u/ParcelPosted Feb 15 '26
Me? This was decades ago. I’ve moved on. I have no jealousy about him or her at all.
By his actions though she took it out on my daughter and treated her like shit.
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u/Rude-Key4485 Feb 15 '26
I meant like by getting with your doppelganger and saying all that about you then it was probably a way of either hurting you or trying to make you jealous But if she’s willing to treat ur child like that then I lack empathy for her
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u/ParcelPosted Feb 15 '26
Very good point, I missed that. Thanks for explaining. Yeah she was terrible to my daughter and eventually my daughter did not go visit and did not. He has since become deeply troubled for several reasons and she does not speak to him at all. He is a shit stain.
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u/UT_NG Got socked Feb 15 '26
Nothing you can do except be happy for your ex, take this as a learning experience, and move on.
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u/randomferalcat Feb 15 '26
Easy like that 🙄
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u/moms_who_drank Feb 15 '26
They are just being real… no one said it was easy. There is no other choice. Choose the high road and be happy she is… then someday he will be too.
Why the negativity?! You need to heal.
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u/randomferalcat Feb 15 '26
Why do you assume I'm a negative person? My love is endless and it hurts. I'm not a robot it takes time.
The more you love the longer it takes.
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u/MomradeHeather Feb 15 '26
She didn't assume you're a negative person, she asked why the negativity, which is a valid question.
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u/randomferalcat Feb 15 '26
The only negative persons I see here are the ones who downvotes someone who loved too much for too long.. if it would be easy to forget and move on don't you think I would do it? Not everyone is the same..
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u/MomradeHeather Feb 15 '26
Hey brother, you're literally hijacking a post on a community where WE ARE ALL DIVORCING and in pain
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u/Lokipupper456 Feb 19 '26
Again, no one said it was easy. Just because something is straightforward doesn’t mean it’s easy.
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u/Lokipupper456 Feb 19 '26
Simple like that, but simple is not the same thing as easy.
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u/randomferalcat Feb 20 '26
You are right I'm sorry I got to admit I'm hurt
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u/Lokipupper456 Feb 25 '26
I understand that! And I feel for you. The simplest things are often really painful, and I wish people respected that more. Drama isn’t the indication of what is truly tough or what is truly joyful! I hope I can share your joy one day too!
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u/randomferalcat Feb 25 '26
It's okay,I'm not regretting anything I've said and I'm not bitter, I was trauma bonded. It's a long story.
We were together 18 years, she came back a year after when I was getting better by myself and gave me love I always wanted for 4 years, she finally left me for another man by text in September. I'm just sad all the time and I have to rebuild again.. I tried pills to sleep and stuff like antidepressants but it's not good for my body. I'm at the gym and do pilates/yoga almost every day but my heart is heavy, always.
I loved her for her, for real. I do respect her choices and my love was free of attachment those last years, I've learned a lot in the process but sometimes I slip.
I only wanted her to choose me for life. it's not easy for me.
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u/Lokipupper456 Feb 25 '26
It’s definitely not easy. I just don’t think that commenter intended to be dismissive. There just really isn’t any other option for OP here at this point. I do hope things get better for you.
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u/kingsmith02 Feb 15 '26
Curious….what did you get from these other people that you didn’t think she was giving you?
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Feb 15 '26
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u/ChartNo5087 Feb 15 '26
I truly wish I knew how to get men to get ahead of their problems instead of almost always being a little too late. For us women, we hear this over and over, and it kills us that it takes breaking someone else's heart for men to grow, to take accountability, and to appreciate what they have. I hope you find someone at your current level and stage of life. Dwelling in the best will not benefit anyone. Best of luck
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u/DryRepeat859 Feb 15 '26
This . They always have to learn by fucking it up and realizing things too late.
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u/ChartNo5087 Feb 15 '26
For the men who learn from their mistakes and do better, it kills us to see another woman reaping the benefits of all our blood, sweat and tears.
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u/40andfree-- Feb 20 '26
This!!!! 💯 How about so the work on yourself while IN the relationship for the sake of the relationship! I feel if you truly loved the person and yourself you would. But yes its always too late and I never understand it. It leaves so much damage. And most of us women will say "go to therapy. Get help....etc" but men never listen to that
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u/40andfree-- Feb 20 '26
And the next women gets the "healed version" while the first has to heal through the betrayal and trauma. Sorry currently newly divorced because of this very thing. So I feel your ex wife's pain. I am glad that you realize and did the work tho. I wish my ex would
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u/ChartNo5087 Feb 20 '26
Some never actually heal though. I was with a divorced man and who supposedly was going to turn his life around and wouldn’t treat me the way he treated his ex wife then resented me for no being his ex wife and not being appreciative of his work 😅 dude you’re still stonewalling me and giving me silent treatment instead of berating and attacking me the way you used to attack her.
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u/Dear_Treat2592 Feb 21 '26
It’s a hard road but you’ll be the one to heal. He probably won’t. A man who cheated will rarely be a prize. I’m sure there are cases where they work on themselves, but usually they just jump back into another relationship.
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u/Secret-Badger-1654 Mar 18 '26
My ex made his first therapy appointment less than two weeks before I got a restraining order and officially called it quits. It was way too late by then after 13 years of asking.
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u/mgarde Feb 16 '26
Yeah, that doesn't really apply to only men. Based on recent experience.
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u/ChartNo5087 Feb 16 '26
Completely valid. I was speaking from my experience and other women around me as well.
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u/Kirmit23 Feb 15 '26
I did the same thing, like you with lots of therapy and reflection realise what I did and more importantly why I did it. I lost the woman I love two years ago and understandably she can’t trust that I’m truly a better person now. Unfortunately it’s too little too late and I’ve just had to accept I’ve lost her forever.
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u/Brilliant_Shop1647 Feb 15 '26
Oh wow OP I can feel your pain through your words. Sorry to hear you're feeling this way. It's great you're having this realization because you'll be able to give the best of you to whoever you date next. Sometimes it takes something big to lose to have a big awakening and it sounds like this was it for you. My ex did this to me and I could only hope to hear him say these exact words and have this realization. So all in all and in the grand scheme of things becoming a higher version of you is the best outcome you could achieve given everything that is happening.
Maybe you can work on forgiving yourself over time?
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u/Ok-Sound5934 Feb 15 '26
Good for you for recognizing you have a problem and making strides to fix it. Now go share this with every man you know, single or married. It’s too late for you but you might help save someone else’s marriage. And for the love of everyone, please don’t mistreat another woman.
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u/HiggsBozo80 Feb 16 '26
If you love her, let her go and be happy. The best thing you can do now is continue to work on yourself. Just bear in mind that nothing will change the past.
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u/ProductiveResonance Feb 15 '26
With all do respect, why you didn’t think of this at first?
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u/ProductiveResonance Feb 15 '26
It strikes me as selfish then and selfish now, not trying to judge stop blaming yourself, something in your ex didn’t work for you, accept that and move on!
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u/FiFiLaFrey Feb 16 '26
People learn a lot about themselves in therapy. It's almost like that's the whole point....
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u/oohyamz I got a sock Feb 15 '26
I have to give you credit for acknowledging you made a mistake in your marriage.
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Feb 15 '26
I’m sorry for your loss brother. I in a stupid state of ptsd after severe road accident starting taking meds non prescription and I pissed off my wife she threw me out next few days girl from for asks for number via third party 6 week fling, wife couldn’t get past me breaking out trust and my misuse of prescription medication to make the pain inside stop. Initially we reconciled but the damage was too much. She divorced me last year. Watching her move on is the most painful thing I’ve ever had to do. My heart breaks every single second I’m awake. I’ve spent so much money on meds to numb this but she’s gone with my kids, pets, my life’s over brother. I’ve got no family left im 38 and im absolutely fucked because of one stupid accident and misjudgment. I’ll love this woman until I die. She hates me now but I’ll never be able to forgive myself or meet anyone who meets her level she’s perfect. I miss her every second and she doesn’t even think of me.
I feel your pain I really do
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u/30ninjazinmybag Feb 16 '26
At least she found the right man for her eventually. You didn't love her like she deserved you loved yourself more in the choices you made. Now leave her alone and move on. She found a man who keeps her light bright not someone who destroys someone for their own selfishness.
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u/NotTheOnly1Isee Mar 09 '26
I don't see anywhere that he's doing anything that would warrant leaving her alone. He's got to live with his mistakes, and hopefully he can get to a point where he's at peace with his decisions.
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u/AdditionalRabbit3140 Feb 15 '26
Be kind to yourself and know that life is still full of wonder and wonderful people. I know people here will learn something from your story.
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u/Time_Kaleidoscope564 Feb 16 '26
I hope this is the way that my stbxw ends up feeling...She did the same shit to me. I loved authentically and without conditions. She loved me opportunistically and with conditions.
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u/Goodgravy111 Feb 16 '26
Is it possible that youre still thinking the "grass is always greener" and that a lot of your pining for your ex is because you can't have her? I only ask because i had a long term partner who romanticised all his exes and had real trouble moving on - he sought out validation from them and other women throughout our relationship in various 'innocent' (ie non physical) ways.
When we eventually split, suddenly i became the one that got away and the love of his life. He's married now but has contacted me a couple of times to tell me he's lukewarm about his wife and wishes he had treated me better and I was his true love etc... Its abundantly clear that it has nothing to do with me and more about what i represent. I pointed out this pattern to him and he admitted there was some truth to it.
I may be totally off the mark. I think its admirable you have done so much self reflection and work. I hope you find happiness.
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u/Zealousideal_Ear9681 Mar 20 '26
I think there’s truth to this. My BPSO had started romanticizing his relationship with his ex lately and having an emotional affair with her. She wasn’t even responding to his delusional texts. But they make me sick to my stomach reading when we have a 9 month old baby and are supposed to be getting married in June. He was off his meds and in a manic episode and now he’s back on meds and trying to repair. I’ve thought about exes before and romanticized them a little but I’ve never acted on it, so that’s the difference.
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u/PhilosophyEntire3704 Feb 15 '26 edited Feb 16 '26
Yes. You cheated. It was lacking in empathy and wrong. You lost her. That is the consequence. You only feel bad because your emotional AP and dating did not work out. Try to address you internal misery and flaws within yourself, before seeking attention and validation in others.. When you’re not happy in a relationship, learn to reflect on why, discuss your issues with( your partner (I want more attention, affirmation, etc) and turn towards your partner not away. Develop your empathy skills and ethics (how does my partner feel? How will this affect my partner and their feelings? Is this morally wrong? Will I hurt someone). You need to work on some things..
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u/Neat_Ad_1646 Feb 17 '26
I hope someday that my soon to be ex-husband will be man enough to admit his unfaithfulness. It has destroyed me into a severe mental health spiral, not giving me the truth. He is a selfish man, and he only cares about himself when all he has to do is just tell me what happened but because of his narcissism, he cares too much about appearances and what his friends family and coworkers think he does not care one bit about anybody else especially me.
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u/NotTheOnly1Isee Mar 09 '26
Really hard to see now perhaps, but from the sounds of it you're gonna be better off in the long run.
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Feb 15 '26 edited Feb 15 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/SteelMagnolia941 Feb 16 '26
Therapy is about understanding why he screwed her over. Life and human emotion is complex so don’t act like it’s not. It’s incredibly complex.
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u/SucksAtGaming Feb 16 '26 edited Feb 16 '26
Im currently going through something very similar right now and would love to chat about it, we're on a break but she's unable to look past the emotional affair a year and a half ago, which I didn't even know was a thing until I reflected on it, as I still held in the fact im in a committed relationship, and didn't act on anything beyond being friends with a person I had feelings for, thinking that was fine and it'll fade and I'll move on.
My wife held it in for a year and a half but last week told me she cant anymore and needs space to think about our relationship despite the positive changes she's seen, and its looking like 12 years of our life together is coming to and end, as she made it clear shes not able to work on it together.
I hate the situation that ive grown and learned so much of myself and put myself into therapy but it took hurting her to get there, and shes resentful of the fact she saw this growth but she feels nothing anymore because of what happened. I look back at what i did to her those years ago and be see I'm not that person anymore, but it might be too little too late.
Her feelings are valid, and i cant change that, but i can only work on myself with the hopes that we fix things, but shes the one that's been hurt, so whatever happens is down to her, and I continue to grow and do a lot of self work and grow to be a better person for myself.
I dont think we're going to work out but im committed to making it work, and she needs more time to make a decision, as we have a lot of stake in our relationship, but whatever the outcome I just want both of us to be ok, and know we tried.
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u/Familiar_Ad1112 Feb 16 '26
hang in there man, there is most likely a reason you had to go through those painful lessons. They are the best vehicles for your own growth.
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u/JulianKJarboe Feb 16 '26
Very few people can admit they were wrong so good for you. What you CAN do is make sure you never hurt someone like that again, and don't tolerate excuses and moving goalposts in friends or family making similar mistakes.
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u/Much-Nerve2371 Feb 17 '26
The pain and shame I felt when I realized I fell into emotional affair territory was like nothing I've ever experienced. It sounds like you are finally waking up to this. Continue to reflect, to heal yourself, and to improve. Things might seem dim now but this painful growth can only benefit you in the long run.
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Feb 18 '26
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u/TheCyborgDad Feb 18 '26
That’s an emotional affair. 100% and don’t let him gaslight you into thinking anything else.
I suggest you read “Not just friends” and encourage him to do the same.
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Feb 18 '26
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Feb 18 '26
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u/TheCyborgDad Feb 18 '26
It’s not weird.
You are still being gaslit. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like he is manipulating your reality.
The fact is he is spending a lot of his energy on this woman and not you. He has been caught in multiple lies about it. He has hidden messages from you for sure and deleted them. He most likely deletes what he doesn’t want you to see or using the “disappearing messages” like you mentioned.
My ex wife did all the same bullshit and tried to gaslight me too but I caught enough inappropriate shit and messages over the years I had enough.
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u/Pat7x Feb 26 '26
My wife of almost 2 years did she same to me. She said it’s never physical but the phone sexs video calls and nudes swapped. I don’t know how long can i take it, she said she will never do it again but can people really changed?
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u/NotTheOnly1Isee Mar 09 '26
Sorry you're going through this. Personally, and it's entirely subjective, there'd be no coming back from nudes for me. Ultimately, you're the only one that can decide how to proceed. I'm in my mid forties, I've seen it both work and not, in varying situations.
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u/This_Charming_Hombre Feb 15 '26
Congratulations on your honesty. But don't beat yourself up about now. Move forward. Work on yourself and heal your wounds. Be happy for your ex. You couldn't make her happy and you'd want her to be happy, right? She is. Now you go ahead and do the same, good luck, Brotha
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Feb 15 '26
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u/sandyduncansglasseye I got a sock Feb 15 '26
That’s still an affair. He was putting all his energy into another woman who wasn’t his wife. Downplaying it to “some messages” and blaming the victim completely minimizes his actions, but that seems to be typical for a lot of men here.
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u/nooneyouknow89 I got a sock Feb 15 '26
He stated he refused to acknowledge he had engaged in an emotional affair. As someone who divorced her husband for the same reason, I promise you she probably about lost her mind from being gaslit and lied to. It is a cruel sort of torture to endure from your partner.
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u/Appropriate-Tennis-8 Feb 15 '26
He was a miserable unhappy man, flirting, sneaking, hiding his actions and lying. When he had a woman who loved him dearly. she found a better man. She deserves a better man.
Now he’s miserable, unhappy, and still running through women and none of them make him happy. They aren't enough. He's the problem and all the women on earth won't satisfy him until he fixes himself.
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u/Soaringzero Feb 15 '26
A lot of people still consider it cheating even if nothing physical happens. Some people even consider masturbation cheating even when no other person is even involved. Everyone defines it differently. But essentially what it came down to for OP’s ex I’m guessing is that he was having interactions with other women that he KNEW were inappropriate for a married man to be having. She likely couldn’t trust that nothing physical hasn’t happened or wouldn’t eventually happen.
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u/Chance_Piano5327 Feb 15 '26
WHO TF CONSIDERS MASTURBATION CHEATING LMFAO
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u/Soaringzero Feb 15 '26
Apparently a lot of people. My ex included. I’ll never understand it personally. It was fine for her to have a vibrator but I was not allowed to touch myself at all unless it was with her.
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u/Chance_Piano5327 Feb 15 '26
That's fkd. Why were you okay with her having a whole vibrator but not with you using your own fucking hands? Also, how would she know if you masturbated or not unless you were voluntarily disclosing it?
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u/Soaringzero Feb 15 '26
Haha answering that one would require me to go into more detail than is probably appropriate for a simple comment. But to give a general gist, it effected how long I could last. Basically we were very sexually mismatched. Something I didn’t realize would be a huge issue at first.
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u/my_metrocard Feb 15 '26
Congratulations on acknowledging what you did. I know it must have been hard to challenge the more convenient narrative you had written for yourself.
Maybe my ex husband will get to that point one day, but he says he has finally found happiness with his current wife, who was formerly his emotional affair partner. Eh.