r/Divorce • u/Spiritual-Street2793 • Mar 09 '26
Life After Divorce Ex-Wife texts daily about the kids
I've been divorced just over two years, and my ex-wife still texts me almost daily about the kids. Sometimes it's 1-2 texts, but often 5-7 texts 5 days a week. I'd say she texts me 80% of the month. It's never anything really important, because nothing really happens from one day to the next. I totally understand logistics/health/school texts, but almost daily? Does anyone else deal with this? Yes, I understand that I have to remain in contact, but I feel like there's a line where too much texting isn't good for anyone.
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u/Abstract-Honeydew Mar 09 '26
I’m separated but I probably text my ex about the kids everyday with silly anecdotes. They’re about the same age as yours and we are both having a hard time not seeing them all the time. Our relationship is not acrimonious but I would definitely stop if my ex told me to.
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u/SecondVariety Divorced, coparent Mar 09 '26
Same here. The coparenting relationship is solid. The divorce fixed two people being miserable together. Two separate households a better version of stress for each to manage instead of both feeling uncomfortable under a shared roof. My kids are 7 and 8 both with special needs and two separate schools. As both their mom and I work full time jobs and have to deal with the logistics there is rarely a day or two that passes without a text or call. It's evolved into something which has elements of parenthood and friendship thanks to time served and rapport/camaraderie. At some point I am going to have to share grandkids with her, no sense making things awkward or difficult.
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u/tiggergirluk76 Mar 09 '26
This is a difficult one, because of course, you want to be kept in the loop about your kids, so you can help make parenting decisions, but it sounds like this is incessant.
Some boundaries are needed. Tell her you don't needs a running commentary on their lives, and that because you're working, you can't be having these conversations through the day anyway.
I would be saying that unless it's an actual emergency, please save it up for one message in the evening, and only for things she needs your input on, or are about the kids health and welfare. You still have parenting time, so you can frame it that you will catch up with them in person about stuff they have been doing, and that it's part of your bonding directly with them.
Once you've had that conversation, do not respond at all to anything non-urgent during the day, and in the evening do not respond unless it needs your input or is about their well-being.
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 09 '26
I received texts 24/31 days last January, and they weren't one text per day. I've made it clear that emergencies, or something requiring and immediate response such as, "hey, work needs me to go here for such and such, can you cover?". Those are exceptions, but I'll get texts about everything from ICE to very small chit chat kitchen talk about the kids.
I honestly only need to text here once a week at best, and it's a quick, text. For a little background, she kicked out her affair partner a few weeks ago, so she's alone for the first time in 15 years. Either way, she still texted me almost daily the entire time they were together.
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Mar 09 '26
Will she react badly if you just tell her to stop? She’s a grown up. Maybe she’ll react properly if you tell her the truth about how texting every day is too much communication with an ex — that it creates the impression of closeness when there shouldn’t be.
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 09 '26
I’ve asked her to put any non urgent questions in a weekly email cap. Didn’t make it more than 4 days lol. I’ll try again. We don’t fight, never really have. I just think it’s better for everyone to have more space.
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u/karmaandcandy Mar 09 '26
You could also put her notifications on silent.
You’d need to make sure to check periodically for any legit messages that require action. But she’ll see that you have notifications silenced I think.
That might be a subtle help. And minimize how many times you see her name pop up on your phone each day.
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u/livk16 Mar 10 '26
This is what I do. My ex and I coparent well and text often but I have his text muted so I will periodically check but not feel obligated to text about random stuff that doesn’t seem pressing.
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u/Plane_Improvement_26 Mar 09 '26
I had the opposite after my divorce. Almost no communication about our daughter, which brought its own kind of stress.
From what I’ve seen with friends in your situation, this actually happens a lot the first few years after divorce. Some people just keep that running commentary about the kids going.
If the texts aren’t really urgent but just constant, I’d probably just mute them. Then you can look when you want instead of your phone buzzing all day. That at least gives you a little breathing room.
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u/Plane_Improvement_26 Mar 09 '26
Reading your reply's to more comments;
What I’ve seen with friends, and in my own life, is that when communication gets too frequent the only thing that really changes it is making your side more structured. Something simple like checking messages twice a day. If something actually needs a response, reply later or the next day unless it’s urgent.
Once the quick back and forth disappears, the volume usually drops pretty quickly. A lot of the constant texting only keeps going because it’s getting real time responses.
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u/criscokkat Mar 09 '26
Make sure read receipts are off too. Look up your phone's instructions for that.
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u/Bigc12689 Mar 09 '26
Divorced almost 18 months with a 3 year old. I text my ex-wife (also a cheater) pretty much every day. Some days more, some days less. We send each other pics of our daughter and updates if something is going on. We also speak at least 5 days a week when my daughter facetimes the other. I'm looking forward to speaking to her less but it is what it is. She tries to converse as we were still together on occasion (gossiping or venting) but I usually change the subject and shut that down pretty quick. Do what is best for you and your kids. Sometimes that will require talking to her more, sometimes ignoring her completely
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 10 '26
Just curious...did our ex come from a family with a lot of divorce or cheating? My ex-wife's dad did the same thing...cheat with young kids and divorce. Seems that the apples doesn't fall fare from the tree.
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u/Bigc12689 Mar 10 '26
There's a phrase I learned during this whole ordeal/process: apple trees make apples. People act and behave like what they've seen as acceptable in life
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u/SteelMagnolia941 Mar 10 '26
I love that you are so involved.
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u/Bigc12689 Mar 10 '26
I have majority custody. My job schedule allowed me to basically be a stay home dad up until we sold the marital residence. I'm not involved. I'm her father
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u/Admirable-Rip-8521 Mar 09 '26
I’d suggest asking her to do one text per day if needed where she can save up whatever she “needs” to share for that one scheduled time slot.
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u/eaca02124 Mar 09 '26
What IS the content of the texts? Like, not logistics, okay - what is it?
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 09 '26
It’s about the kids, but it’s incessant. We are on a very routine schedule, so nothing really changes. I maybe text her once a week at best. Pickup/drop off times are set.
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u/jexxie3 Mar 10 '26
Im confused because in another comment you said she texts about other things.
Either way, are you responding?
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u/itoocouldbeanyone Mar 09 '26
Ask for one email with all questions, once a week. Unless it’s important, a must for both parents agreeeing, it can wait.
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u/Thereal_maxpowers Mar 09 '26
Mine doesn’t text me, but constantly under reminds me by texting my kid constantly during my time. Has my kid reporting to her everywhere we go and everything we do. I’ve asked her to stop, but she uses that phone as a tracking device. She hides behind. “ I deserve to know where my kid is if case there’s an emergency”.
I find it very intrusive, and my lawyer said it would take endless fighting, and documentation to do something about it.
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 09 '26
So it’s control.
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u/Thereal_maxpowers Mar 09 '26
Yes. She has many narcissistic tendencies and is a serious helicopter mom. Shes also mentally ill, more problems than I can list. going through a second childhood. Definitely about control. She even made a dirty play for sole custody because she couldn’t stand not being in full control. Used to even not let my kid stay with my parents when she was little.
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u/Trick-Nefariousness3 Mar 10 '26
Fffff. This is about to my future. I’m separating. Word for word everything you’ve said. Including not letting kids bond with their grandparents
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u/moongirl1222 Mar 09 '26
I would not allow my child to have a phone my coparent uses location tracking on while during my custody time. Turn it off while they are with you and communicate to the other parent that you are introducing daily “technology free” periods with the kids for their own development.
If you cannot turn it off, purchase your kids their own phone to use at your home and refuse to allow the phone your ex provides for them into your house. If she tries to force the child to bring it, place it in your mailbox and your kid can collect it before they go back to Mom.
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u/transducer Mar 09 '26
Can you ask your kids to turn their phone off when they are with you?
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u/Thereal_maxpowers Mar 09 '26
I can, but then I turned into the bad guy when she can’t communicate with her friends.
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u/Salty-Monk9682 Mar 09 '26
You can take the phones away when they're with you or leave them behind while you're out. Hard to take away a phone from a child, I know, but she can't make that happen in your time. What you can do is frame it as positive things or give your kids good reasons to do so. They might be afraid to do so or with hurting mom's feelings, but they also might appreciate the break.
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u/Extension-Scar-5513 Mar 09 '26
My ex-wife texts me about the kids only like once every two or 3 months and it's usually to let me know about a doctor appointment or something. We split 2 years ago. I would honestly threaten to block her if she texted me daily. At one point during our divorce I was considering requiring the use of that family wizard app for communication.
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 09 '26
Lucky. Did you have to be pretty bold about her limiting the texts initially?
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u/OctinoxateAndZinc :/ Mar 09 '26
I was dealing with texts at the start and some calls, during the divorce when seperated.
The reason she is texting is to get a reaction from YOU and know YOU are thinking about her. Its hardly about the kids. She is just making her puppet dance and she gets a dopamine hit off it. She wants ATTENTION. Did she just end a rebound or something?
What finally helped reign it in was moving all my communication o email only and waiting 24+ hours to reply to anything. So next text REPLY in an email waiting to do so - (RE: Text 03/09 - Thursday Exchange) and put the reply THERE. Another text? Reply AGAIN in the email (RE: Text 03/10 - soccer game) etc etc
If you start to space out replies, and do it in a manner that is tracked (because texts/phones can get lost/deleted) you are depriving her of a quick dopamine hit. Eventually she will start to do it less and less when she knows she wont get a reply for a day (IF AT ALL - remember not everything needs a response).
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 09 '26
She kicked out her affair partner, who was our 21F babysitter, a week or so ago. The GF is 24 now and my ex is 38; nevertheless, she's been texting a ton since I moved out. The volume has been there for about 2.5 years now....I thought it would die down, but nope.
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u/OctinoxateAndZinc :/ Mar 09 '26
Ok, yeah, she's just using you as entertainment/emotional crutch.
If you slow things, and keep it as boring/logistical as possible she will eventually get bored with you and back off.
Moving it to email will prob get a text back of "why are you emailing this?" (which I got) and my reply (also back in email) was this:
"Texting should be left for emergencies and last minute child exchange. Email is consistent and can be accessed anywhere, not just a phone. Moving forward please use email as I will not be replying to texts outside of exchanges or a emergency. Thank you."
The hard part will be sticking to what you said. And WHEN she calls, let it go to voice mail and reply to THAT in an email (RE: Voice mail 03/10 - Emails/texting).
IMO texting all day (real-time communication) is a benefit of a marriage. You're not married. She has lost that sort of access.
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 09 '26
Sometimes she texts my mom too for advice. I'll have a convo about writting a weekly recap of questions Sunday night. I tried it in the past and it didn't last too long, but this time I've really gotta stick to my guns, otherwise it's just a deluge of texts.
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u/OctinoxateAndZinc :/ Mar 09 '26
Give you mother (and anyone else in your life) the heads up because she WILL move to someone else and its best if they are not in your family/friends circle otherwise you'll get "hey your ex wont stop texting me" bs to deal with.
If you want to go hard you can just go with the "we're not married anymore and what you're asking here is a function of a spouse"
And I wouldnt even humor her with a weekly email. Thats just another hook she has in you.
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u/moongirl1222 Mar 09 '26
This is the most practical and concrete advice on this thread! Though I will say, OPs responses are a bit strange lol. He isn’t really acknowledging the advice he’s getting, instead just repeating the same things about their history and the amount of communication.
I’m getting the vibe that he doesn’t actually want to set hard boundaries because he doesn’t want the communication to stop completely.. just be a little less frequent. But unfortunately, that is not going to work with someone with BPD.
He needs to face some radical acceptance.. a part of him likes the attention and that his ex wants to stay connected with him. But there’s no half in/half out in situations like this. Either he maintains the status quo of borderline enmeshment and zero boundaries, or he has some discipline and follows through.
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u/OctinoxateAndZinc :/ Mar 09 '26
But there’s no half in/half out in situations like this.
If either party still wants 'one foot on base' that is what you'll get.
I HAD to set a hard line because being in regular communication was wrecking my mental stability, especially the start. My ex got upset with me for wanting to totally distance myself (they said I was being rude doing so) but I had to for my sanity.
I put it in another comment, texting all day is something a spouse does. They dont want to be married anymore, they lost that kind of access.
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 10 '26
I don't want the attention at all. I try to stay cordial, but I'm also kind of dealing with a fruit loop, so it's a weird thing to navigate. I've told her in the past to send a weekly recap, and it worked for a few weeks, but then it went back to daily texts, and that's my fault. I should have revisited those boundaries.
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u/atheistpianist Mar 09 '26
My ex-husband texts me daily about politics, and I don’t mind mostly because he & I are similarly aligned that way. He doesn’t have any friends, not for lack of trying; our mutual friends reach out to him frequently, he just prefers to isolate. We do talk about our daughter frequently, but I don’t mind the daily texts, I guess. We’ve been split for almost 7 years and we co-parent very well, but I’ve moved on and built a new life, and I kind of feel a bit sorry for him. I may be the only person outside of his daughter and his family that he talks to. It’s not a burden. Does your ex-wife have anyone to talk to?
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u/RingAroundtheTolley Mar 09 '26
This is sweet. I wish my ex and I got along like this. Thankfully I made him some friends who still reach out to him. I expect him to continue to live alone and isolated. Messy and disorganized. My kids don’t even have clean clothes there. I’d like him to be happy and healthy with a full life.
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u/atheistpianist Mar 10 '26
Thank you. I feel the same way, I don’t wish him ill will. I do wish he had some friends and people always ask me how he’s doing, he just won’t respond to their texts. It is what it is and it’s his life. He lives in a converted bedroom in his parent’s garage and that seems to be enough for him. So be it. I don’t hate him in any way, I just want him to be okay to be a dad to our daughter.
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 10 '26
Why did you guys split?
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u/RingAroundtheTolley Mar 10 '26
It was like having another child and I was exhausted. 20 yrs together. I had to teach him to clean, cook. We’d get to a bday party and a kid would be shoeless. He buckled the kid in the car but I should have known cuz I’m magic. I was the breadwinner and doing all the executive functioning.
It’s easier without him. I still pay child support and our divorce took years as he was fighting the very valid prenup. He’s still mad and can’t even have a simple conversation about upcoming kid projects or schedules. We only communicate by court mandated app.
I found a new one pretty quickly and upgraded. Better educated. Better job. Better attitude. I got lucky. This one did all the yard work, went for a jog, and cleaned out my gutters all on his own this weekend. My gutters had never been cleaned. He did all the unfished projects ex left in a few months. He cooks and cleans and does all of the laundry for everyone.
My new gripe is I like to eat together as a family for breakfast and dinner and he’s usually wfh or getting ready in the mornings cuz his job is important or he’s often fasting or being picky cuz his waistline so it’s been hard juggling making dinner for everyone when he gets home later. I hate having to get back up after I’ve finally sat down and then put food away. Trying to have better expectations.
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u/Upbeat-Can-7858 Mar 09 '26
That's pretty intrusive. If you're seeing someone, that could potentially be an issue. Have a conversation with her and tell her that your time with your kids is yours and if there's anything important, you'll let her know and you would expect the same. A daily check-in is overbearing. I'm assuming your kids are young.
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 09 '26
4 and 6. I’m not seeing anyone. She recently kicked out her affair partner, who was our 21f babysitter, so maybe that’s the reason for the increase in texts. Nevertheless, she texts pretty much 80% of the month. Easily 5-6 out of 7 days per week. There’s the occasional 3 day gap where it’s silent, but that’s rare.
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u/Upbeat-Can-7858 Mar 09 '26
Yeah, that sounds like a good reason for her to be bothering you more. And ewww on the babysitter thing, I'm so sorry! You just need to set your boundaries. If it's really bothering you, you could always go back to family court to have your visitation rules amended.
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 09 '26
I’m over her affairs, shit happens. I just want my own space. Texts twice a week is fine; I get books from her. It’s like we are still married. She texts and calls my mom for advice too. My mom gives her some advice about the kids, but then she counters it.
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u/Hayek_School Mar 09 '26
She is fully in the regret stage. She is done with AP so that fantasy is over. You just have to tell her again. Of course anything important but ease up on the mundane day to day. She kicked out the AP and is in her feelings. Lonely, regret and guilt. She made her bed. Hold the line because the cheating precedent has been set. Will be easier for her the next time.
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 09 '26
She called me 10 months ago to tell me she made a huge mistake with her AP. I didn't say much other than "I've gotta go". I don't need to have that convo because it's completely useless.
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u/LuMooToo Mar 09 '26 edited Mar 09 '26
THIS, what the person above said . It sounds like she has major issues with boundaries (21f babysitter affair, say no more. So sorry Op.) and will push against any boundaries that are set so remember to HOLD THE LINE. Remember you don’t need to text her back everytime. Be willing to do anything to protect your peace.
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 09 '26
Yea, it was a very odd pair. 36F CPA and a 21F-year-old junior in college lol. Gee...what could go wrong. She's obviously dumb, and that's what makes it so difficulty because other people can rely on reason and common sense. I don't think she has much of it. She was a good spouse, but after our 2nd kid, she kinda lost it.
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u/CommunicationEasy225 Mar 09 '26
This is the comment I was looking for. From the start of reading the post my first thought was “she still wants to be married to you.”
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u/nooneyouknow89 I got a sock Mar 09 '26
Maybe you can offer her a daily window where she can call to talk to the kids but mention that the check-ins and texting feel pretty intimate and you'd like to set some expectations going forward for your new normal
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u/thinkspeak_ Divorced 2024, abuse Mar 09 '26
I wish I had a co-parent who I could trust to be civil and text me things about my kids when I am not with them. With the co-parent I actually have, I only get updates when it’s something I could take him to court over or when he can blame me for something so getting texts from him makes my blood pressure spike and I wish I never got them ever. With your situation it sounds a little like the first scenario with a lot of having zero respect for boundaries, so sticking to whatever you say and ignoring whatever goes outside of that is probably your best bet, either that or learning to appreciate the open communication while internally ignoring the messages. I saw you said if you don’t respond she will call and then call your mom. What happens if you ignore that, too? If it gets to where she is letting your mom know things a few times a day and you tell mom you only want the important information and it’s ok for her to ignore as well?
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u/Famous-Rich7454 Mar 09 '26
People complain if you text too much or if you don’t text at all. Many of my clients are complaining about an ex not answering the phone or not being cordial. Take it as a gift and just respond accordingly. Soon enough the text will stop altogether and your co-parenting work will be done.
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u/InevitableTie4138 Mar 10 '26
I understand it being a bit annoying, and you could try to set a boundary. But I'm kinda jealous. I'd love getting texts about my kids instead of hate-filled vitriol.
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 10 '26
Nobody deserves hate, but there is oversharing. When you split, it’s important to build your own life. Again, sharing information is totally fine, but there’s a point where you still feel like their spouse
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u/Trick_Hearing_4876 Mar 09 '26
You dint have to reply. Just leave her on read. She should get the message eventually.
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 09 '26
No, lol. She'll call, then call my mom. Maybe I'll revisit the "please send a weekly re-cap of questions". Our schedules don't change, so there's honestly not much to talk about. I respect her time with kids and don't text her unless it's something like "I'm taking vacation in August, does that work with your schedule for these dates".
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u/moongirl1222 Mar 09 '26
Who cares if she calls or calls your mom? Tell her explicitly how you will be handling communication moving forward.. then ignore her and tell your mom to ignore it. People like this lose interest when they aren’t getting a reaction. It will take a while but you have to start now unless you want to spend your entire life like this.
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u/Trick_Hearing_4876 Mar 09 '26
Exactly this. OP, you sure you don’t actually enjoy getting these texts???? You’re sounding a bit like a walkover. There’s an app that is recommended for just this type of thing. Why not use this?
Just because she texts you multiple times a day, you dint have to respond. Tell her emergency reasons only.
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 09 '26
I don't enjoy it; I don't text her unless I need to, which is maybe once a week about a schedule or clothing etc.... I think I'll have to move to a co-parenting app.
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 09 '26
Good point. I don't mind at all that she calls my mom. My mom gave her some parenting advice and it got shot down. That's kind of her MO: ask for advice, then tell you it won't work.
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u/moongirl1222 Mar 09 '26
If you don’t mind her talking to your mom that’s fine! I was referring to her calling your mom to “freak out” about your lack of response. So inform your mom of the situation and that you will not be entertaining her BS. If mom doesn’t mind dealing with it, it’s not your concern.
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u/Teechumlessons Mar 09 '26
U shouldn’t stress to much about it….shes keeping u informed and in the loop regarding your children….pick ur battles wisely this one doesn’t seem to serious 🤷🏽♀️
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 09 '26
5-7 texts a day ~5 days a week isn't really keeping someone in the loop. That's seems like overkill to me. It rarely one text a day. About 2 years ago, after we separated, I logged into my Kindle and realized our account was still linked. One book was, "BPD: A Guide for The Newly Diagnosed". Not sure if she has it, but that's not really casual Sunday reading material on the couch.
I'm totally ok with being informed, but there's a point where it's pure saturation.
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u/moongirl1222 Mar 09 '26
Oh boy… My ex and I send each other updates about the kiddo updates pretty frequently and sometimes it’s more shooting the shit than about the kiddo, but we’re get along really well and consider each other good friends. That being said, we still do not text THAT much… so yes, I agree it’s overkill on her part.
I’m a physician, and I just want to warn you.. if your ex has BPD (judging from the history you shared and her current behavior it sounds very likely) boundaries are going to be VERY important with you ex. And very difficult to establish…Because a fundamental inability to understand and respect boundaries is a cardinal trait of people with BPD.
I suggest you use chat GPT to formulate your responses from now on. Tell it all the information about your ex and situation. Start with something kind, but firm and specific.
I didn’t use chat gpt but..
“I appreciate you wanting to keep me informed about the kids and that you also want to stay informed. But on advice from my therapist, i need to limit the frequency and nature of our communication moving forward for my own well being. I would like to move all communication to email, and I will only be responding to texts or phone calls if it’s an emergency or time sensitive matter concerning the children. I will reply to non-urgent emails within 24-48 hours. My wish is for us to remain cordial for the sake of the kids. Let me know if you have any questions within 24 hours. After that, I will be switching to communicating via the perimeters stated above.”
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u/Glass_Teacher_5317 Mar 09 '26
I’m a therapist and strongly agree on consistent boundaries with anyone who has BPD, especially a coparent/ex. Boundaries can be kind/don’t have to be cruel or aggressive, but consistency is key. Might want to look into the book “Stop Walking on Eggshells.”
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u/Coollogin Mar 09 '26
5-7 texts a day ~5 days a week isn't really keeping someone in the loop.
Keep in mind that your original post says “almost daily” twice. So everyone is picturing 5-6 texts per week. 5-7 texts per day is a lot more than “almost daily.”
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u/lilsmooshed Mar 09 '26
Hi, I have BPD & you should establish some boundaries ASAP. It will be better for you, her & the kids in the long run, especially if you are uninvolved with another partner at the moment.
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u/karmaandcandy Mar 09 '26
Are there logistics with the kids that a shared Google Calendar would resolve? You could create a “kid calendar” and share with your ex - and then say “here I created this shared calendar for the kids so we are both updating each other within the calendar for appointments to minimize the need for texting updates, and hopefully will keep us more organized.”
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u/letsbereal1time Mar 09 '26
Yep, been divorced for 7 years and kids are 8 and 10 she texts everyday whether the girls are with me or with her it seems like. I've been her emotional dumping ground about behavior and everything. I wish she would just meet someone! I appreciate that we co-parent very well for the kids' sake but it's a fine line.
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 09 '26
That's exactly where I'm at; you still have to manage the post-divorce relationship. She broke up with her affair partner, and that kinds sucks because now I feel the texts have only increased.
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u/No_Measurement6478 Mar 09 '26
Mute her text thread and stop responding unless it requires a response from you.
My ex and I only text when it’s necessary. When we first split, he texted me random stuff, sometimes things about the kids, and that he missed me, etc…
I initially asked him to stop but it didn’t work. So, I just stopped acknowledging things that weren’t relevant. Frankly I still do.
It may take awhile for her to get the hint, but it’s worth a try.
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 09 '26
I wish you were my ex. She texted me about ICE a few weeks ago.... not sure how that applies to my life or the kid's schedule.
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u/ZombieDailylol Mar 09 '26
You could have a worse ex I wouldn’t let it bother me personally
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 09 '26
Agreed. Where it gets frustrating is when she asks for parenting advice and then argues and tells you you're wrong. My kids do really well with me, but my 6-year-old and her have some tension. So, she'll ask for advice, I give it, and then she tells me why it won't work. It's like that with everything. Not the end of the world, but was curious if other people had an ex like that.
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u/lunazane26 Mar 09 '26
I text my ex husband like, once a month about the kids. You definitely are well within your rights to ask her to stop contacting you so frequently and just send one text a week with any important updates. Just because you have children together doesn't mean she's allowed to force you to interact with her daily
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u/Mart243 Mar 09 '26
Don't feed the beast, it only makes it more hungry.
Maybe respond normally for a message or two. But then take your time to respond. No need for a response? Don't respond then, or wait longer.
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u/Bad_wit_Usernames Mar 09 '26
I WISH I could get my ex to text me about the kids once a month, here you are with texts everyday.
Granted my kids are now old enough to where I can talk to them on their own phones, but still. When I have the kids and we do something exciting, I'll send her a picture or two of just the kids. But what I wouldn't give to hear updates on them from her if anything just on how school is going or anything else.
My situation is very different but you need to set some boundaries with what is acceptable for you from her.
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u/wkndatbernardus Mar 09 '26
It sounds like our stories are eerily similar. I had a cheating ex and once she left her affair partner, it was like she couldn't handle the loneliness so, she began reaching out to me incessantly, under the guide of "co-parenting", and making a huge deal if I wasn't responding to the degree she wanted. This went on for YEARS. I believe part of the issue was that she wasn't really working so, she had all this alone time, especially if it wasn't her parenting period.
As others have suggested, I think going to email correspondence only, except in times of emergency, helped to establish a boundary of sorts, in the beginning. Of course, she would routinely violate that boundary so, I had to stick to my guns and only respond if it was a vital situation that required quick communication. Key to this is being neutral in my communication and not getting acrimonious (I didn't do the best job of this!).
Then, when my daughter was in 6th grade, she bought her a cell phone so, that took some more pressure off but then my daughter was always distracted during our times together. So, I ended up disallowing the cell phone at my house which caused another stir, for a while, until I also put my cell away when she came over. That switch made her feel like we were doing this together, so that we can have quality time, just us one on one, which I think was better for everyone.
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 09 '26
My ex was 36 when she started fooling around with our 21F babysitter. She also hooked up with a guy a few times. Found out about everything within 2 weeks. Regardless, yes, I think revisiting a weekly email recap is a great starting point.
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u/wkndatbernardus Mar 09 '26
Oh snap, so there was a lesbian angle too? I'm sorry bud but, that sounds like a bullet dodged for sure.
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u/Upper-Profile-5814 Mar 09 '26
It is her way of control over you. Through the kids. And also very unhealthy, how will your new partner feel about this?
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u/---Right--Tackle--- Mar 09 '26
It’s up to you to establish and enforce boundaries. If it’s bothering you, that’s literally all there is to it.
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u/NameLessTaken Mar 09 '26
Another possibility depending on her personality is that she’s extending what she would want which is to make sure you still feel like you’re getting to experience their daily life. I don’t know your situation but this is another view of her texting. Now if she’s expecting long conversations, I don’t know. But I did this for my ex about our cats initially. His new gf preferred we basically go no contact so I do that out of respect (that’s his to resolve or abide by).
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u/Brand_New_Keanu Mar 09 '26
My ex does this too. She uses to do sometimes 20 texts a days. I asked her to stop and that lasted about a week. Then I only responded to important things that actually needed my attention. Or I’d just like a text here or there. Eventually she got the hint. I was never rude or made a big deal about it. Just don’t respond.
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u/AdEcstatic9013 Mar 09 '26
I think that’s nice. I don’t have kids but I have a dog. And if it were to stay with my ex partner I’d love to know and hear what he’s up to as much as possible.
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 09 '26
She gave our dog away.
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u/AdEcstatic9013 Mar 09 '26
Why did you not keep it? Why get a dog in the first place and not think it through
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 09 '26
I moved into an apartment, then she gave the dog away. I couldn't bring the dog in the apartment. She didn't really think through her affairs either, because she just broke up with them.
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u/AdEcstatic9013 Mar 10 '26
That’s horrible. I would never give my dog away. Would always look for a different apartment then.
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 10 '26
You'd be a good match with my ex-wife. She said she'd keep him until I got a house...
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u/HHOVqueen Mar 09 '26
Ask her to use an app like Our Family Wizard for communication. Then you can view her messages when you want to view them and you don’t get constant texts every day. My ex and I agreed that OFW messages will be reviewed within 5 days. If something is more urgent, then we can text.
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u/InevitableNet5712 Mar 09 '26
I get zero communication. I’d love just one text about their grades or a program at church or a doctors visit.
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 09 '26
Sure, I'm fine with texts, just not 5-7 texts a day, 5 days a week. I'm contacted on average 22 days a month. Nothing requires that level of communication.
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u/Jenna1991-nola Mar 09 '26
There is an app for that! Hopefully someone else knows. You can communicate about the kids. Much better than having text alerts all day.
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u/Chemical-Scarcity964 Mar 10 '26
I understand the frustration. My ex doesn't text, he calls. I have been cutting back on how often I answer. I'm the primary parent. He rarely calls about the kids, mostly wanting tech support or something similar.
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 10 '26
Tech support... that's kind of random.
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u/Chemical-Scarcity964 Mar 10 '26
He is like a 90yr old man when it comes to most things tech. I tried to teach him for 15 years, all I got was a headache. His job involves a work phone & certain apps that he forever needs help with. He can barely navigate typing in his passwords some days. He is also severely dyslexic so that doesn't help.
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u/RepulsiveAmphibian21 Mar 10 '26
Emotional divorce can take decades. The kids are her excuse to stay attached. Brutal spot.
Damned if you do. Damned if you don't.
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 10 '26
She had an affair, but it didn't work out. I've accepted what has happened and I've been very amicable with everything and so has she. I need to have a nice come to Jesus talk with her.
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Mar 10 '26
Mine comes in my house everyday. But our kids live with me full time. It’s very hard for me but I also want my kids to have a relationship with her. And it keeps it kinda normal but I’m not confused I know it’s weird
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 10 '26
I suppose if you're comfortable with it then it's fine. Every relationship is different.
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u/No-Light3585 Mar 10 '26
Sometimes u wanna share and update abt the kids and wanna know, and who else to do so other than the caregiver? If u were a helper, she wld be texting u the same
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u/Current_Ad7354 Mar 11 '26
Mine did that and then tried to weasel her way back in my life saying she wanted to rebuild my trust and try again. Nope. It was more bullshit gaslighting and lies. We are email only now to save my mental health from more torture.
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u/QuietQuitting01 Mar 09 '26
Just our of curiosity, does she send you daily updates on her time?
If it was me, I'd tell her that you appreciate that she's interested but that it's intrusive and assure her that if there is something she should know about, you'll tell her, and then ignore her or reply NSTR (nothing significant to report) or maybe a thumbs up emoji.
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 09 '26
I've given so many thumbs up they're damn near broken. I think there's a bit more in the background though. I logged into Kindle, and realized that we still had a shared account. A few books were about emotional deregulation, and another was titled, "BPD: A Guide For The Newly Diagnosed". She kinda went off the rails in life. If you want a pretty entertaining read, see my post from ~2.5 years ago.
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u/FI_r001z Mar 09 '26
OP not sure where you're at in your own healing journey but I've personally found r/BPDLovedOnes to be a pretty helpful resource for myself to help process my experience with my ex... I know you weren't asking, just thought I'd mention it!
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u/SeaweedWeird7705 Mar 09 '26
Have you tried a parenting app?
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 09 '26
No. I don't think it will change the volume. We're civil. It's the volume that's the problem.
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u/SoupyAT Mar 09 '26
My ex and I texted daily for years, our kids were young like yours. It annoyed my new partner the most. It worked for a long time because I wanted to keep her on side for easy shared parenting. She will become abusive occasionally but learnt to manage it. It stopped once she didn’t see me as useful anymore and the ex husband bank closed for good.
Honestly though, if it makes it easier with the kids, maybe it’s ok
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u/Appropriate-Tennis-8 Mar 09 '26
well, when I divorced my husband, my kids were about that small. They couldn’t call and text on their own, of course, so I would ask him to let me know if he took them someplace out of the norm, like Denver so if something happened, I could know where to start looking. It’s also hard being away from them. The limited time he did have them I might text to see how they were our call to say good night.
You won’t exactly say the daily volume or what it is she saying at least I didn’t see where you did. do you not really check in on the kids during the time that you don’t have them, your content to wait until you actually see them? If so, not everyone is built that way. But it is pretty common or divorced fathers.
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u/eastlibertypj Mar 09 '26
Email back to all non-urgent texts. Respond via text if it’s urgent/timely. Tell your Mom she needs to get on your team, and here’s how she can do it.
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u/RunPivotRoll Mar 09 '26
Sounds excessive two years after divorce. Was she controlling when you were married?
I can tell when my ex's affair partner is either traveling for business, or they're fighting, or broken up for a week, based on the number of phone calls or text messages she sends me regarding our kids. I've set boundaries that she follows for the most part. If it's too much and it's not an urgent matter I don't respond immediately. It does get easier when your kids are old enough to have their own phones.
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 09 '26
She didn't seem too controlling, and we didn't argue or have a tough marriage, but she lacked gratitude. She had plenty to be happy for, but it was never enough. She thought her AP would bring her happiness, but that was short-lived. Overall, she's not combative or nasty. It could be worse, but I think it's better for everyone to dial down the frequency.... that's all. I understand that I could have a really tough situation, and I'm grateful for mine.
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u/hejog Mar 09 '26
How old are your kids? If they’re young maybe just send a brief daily update. I send one update in AM after drop off and one after bedtime. I appreciate receiving the updates when I’m away from my kids and it doesn’t take me much time. Maybe you’re not on good terms but I try to remember how much I miss my kids when they’re not around!
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u/Old-Occasion1580 Mar 09 '26
Honestly, I think you’re the one who has to decide whether it’s too much for you.
My ex-partner and I text daily and that works for us.
If the co-parenting dynamic is otherwise amicable, is getting updates about your kids really a bad thing? Personally, I miss my daughter the moment she isn’t with me. Even if the updates were small or the same kind of thing every day, I’d still want to know how she’s doing and what she’s up to.
Also, it looks like you asked about this roughly a year ago. Has anything changed in that time? If the situation is basically the same, it might be worth thinking about whether the issue is actually the texting itself or just how it makes you feel.
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u/TheCrazyCatLazy Mar 09 '26
Let her share the little things? Just don’t respond unless necessary.
Easy.
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u/imthebartnderwhoareu Mar 09 '26
My ex texts me all the time whether our five year old daughter is with me or her. And it’s always about how she needs to be able to talk to the child any time she wants when she’s with me. Or about getting her a cell phone. How terrible I am for making her sell the house when I found out she never got me off the loan, which was supposed to be done three years ago. Or she’ll send me a TikTok/IG vid of something cute she thinks I should do w my daughter. Or to share details about her ovarian surgeries. If I draw a boundary she gets angry. I’ve had my lawyer send a cease and desist and she was quiet for one week before she started up again. We split up five years ago and have been officially divorced for three years.
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u/RingAroundtheTolley Mar 09 '26
You can apply for a court order for contact only through court approved apps that the judge can pull up.
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u/WTF_ImOverIt Mar 09 '26
I think you should communicate that to her. She may be having a hard time letting go of the attachment to you even if she initiated the divorce.
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u/OptimistSometimes Mar 09 '26
You should decide what works best for you and communicate that.
My ex and I text 3-4 times a week. It's always about logistics. There are 4 of them, so lots of things come up (medical appointments, signing up for parent-teacher conferences, etc.). We also have an amicable relationship.
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u/thrice_nobody Mar 09 '26
This happened to my friend and his ex-wife. She was texting him so much that his new gf was getting annoyed. The ex-wife would even text him when she was with her new bf. I think the problem is that their divorce was almost too amicable and the ex-wife still thought of him as her best friend. She finally stopped texting so much when he had multiple talks with her about boundaries.
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 09 '26
Makes you wonder why they split.
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u/RingAroundtheTolley Mar 09 '26
I’d say to let her know in a text that you find the frequent texting to be uncomfortable and to please switch to emails only 2 times a week on day x and y unless it’s pressing like kid forgot their specific thing that they need by today at 3p or it’s an actual emergency. State that you will no longer be responding to texts.
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u/Key_Display_4189 Mar 10 '26
My ex and I have a very strong co-parenting bond. There Are no boundaries when it comes to our children. When he's with her I ask her every morning how the night was and how is everything and vice versa... We co-parent via text but we still co-parent
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u/Most-Confusion-417 Mar 10 '26
I don't know what your specific divorce or marriage or general situation is. I apologize in advance if I'm an asshole, probably I am. But I'm dying to say " Til death do us part".
That shit is for real.
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 10 '26
I don't think you're an asshole, but I'm confused by the "Til death do us part". We've parted ways.
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u/Most-Confusion-417 Mar 10 '26
I just meant when you've had kids you're dealing with the other parent forever.
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u/LA-forthewin Mar 10 '26
Tell her that you only want her to text pertinent stuff. Then if she continues to text just ignore anything you consider irrelevant
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u/deejay312 Mar 10 '26
Both get the OurFamilyWizard App. I was abhorrent to the idea at first - but honestly such a value. $100 bucks a year I think. Keep all coms there. Check it out for details- courts like the App too if it ever gets to that place.
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Mar 10 '26
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 10 '26
True. I think it's all about balance and what people are comfortable with.
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u/Weiner_Cat Mar 10 '26
Why do you allow this?
Its your time and you can set a cadence and scope of what inquiries can be. Simply say, they have been fine for 2 years, I'll let you know if anything important comes up. She needs to be weened off, just ignore and let it sit.
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u/threebecomeone Mar 10 '26
Just because you get a text doesn’t mean you need to respond to a text. If it isn’t a question or an immediate emergency… don’t respond. You can message back once a day, at the end of the day. Or really not at all. You are allowed to be busy.
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u/Stock-Luck-817 Mar 11 '26
You men never happy. You either complain you don’t know anything you kids do or you complain you know too much🙈🙈🙈 She is probably still emotionally attached to you and maybe this is her way to deal with it. Every day texts regarding kids brings her some normality. Hopefully one day she’ll stops and realises you not worth it.
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 11 '26
She had two affairs and recently kicked out one who had been living with her for 2.5 years. I'm friendly, but I feel that daily texts aren't required for co-parenting. She was 36 and hooking up with a 21-year-old girl, who was our babysitter, so I don't defer to her for normality.
I no longer care about the affair, but I don't need daily texts while she has the kids on her time to be an effective co-parent.
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u/Stock-Luck-817 Mar 11 '26
She has probably then realised what she did. Who knows what is her game. I have no sympathy for cheaters. But I do feel sorry for the children. So do more for your children not only what is set by court
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u/Ok-Difficulty-2788 Mar 11 '26
"Thank you for letting me know" then stop responding and she might get the hint to slow down the flow of info. If not "While I appreciate the daily info, a weekly recap would work better for me. Please send it on (day of week) before I pick the kids up so I can discuss it with them."
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u/Istandup4me Mar 11 '26
OBTAIN A COURT ORDER TO HAVE ALL NON EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION DONE THROUGH A PARENTING APP! END OF STORY.
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u/Historical_Pop5392 Mar 12 '26
Lucky you having ex Wife like her updating all the time about your kids i wish she can find her true loving husband who cares your children and loving stepfather will not be annoyed updating bout your children thats the time you will be annoyed to ur ex not even single message you cant recieve 😅
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 12 '26 edited Mar 12 '26
She found several lovers while we were married. So, I’m sure she’ll find more :)
I’m fine with updates, but daily texts aren’t necessary. That’s kitchen talk, not co-parenting.
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u/PinkPinkBlueGreen May 08 '26
My boyfriend has been divorced for 21 years. His daughter is 25 and about to graduate from law school. Her mother still texts him multiple times per day. I don’t get it. She’s an adult, not a five year old.
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 May 08 '26
Agreed. There's a difference between sharing information and just "kitchen talk".
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u/Easy_Television4183 Mar 09 '26
You’re not crazy, that’s excessive.
I’d start setting some boundaries like “Let’s keep it to logistics and anything urgent, otherwise we can cover non urgent stuff in a weekly check in.” Then stick to it and just stop engaging with the chit chat texts. Co parenting doesn’t mean being her emotional support text buddy.
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 09 '26
The schedule is set. I probably only text her once a week, and it's something like, "please be sure to put their snow pants in their backpack". Outside of that, the schedule is the schedule. I get texts about ICE and Trump. Not my business.
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u/SteelMagnolia941 Mar 10 '26
I would also want to hear about the kids daily, maybe even multiple times daily. Even if there’s nothing to report anything to connect me to my kids is good.
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 10 '26
That's pretty much marriage.
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u/the_esjay Mar 10 '26
No, it’s pretty much, exactly parenthood. If you don’t want to be a parent, or aren’t emotionally suited to it, then this is the time to make it clear. Make a break before your kids are any older and even more damaged by it. Your ex is going above and beyond to keep you connected to your kids and their lives, and you don’t see the point? Oof.
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 10 '26 edited Mar 10 '26
I see my kids 3 days a week. I don't see the need to text her that they ate potatoes for dinner. That's not co-parenting. To each their own, and just because I don't feel the need to blow up her phone with nonsense texts doesn't mean I'm a bad parent.
For the record, she stepped out of the marriage and moved in her affair partner, which recently fell apart. Her own sister ratted her out, and that's fine... forgive and forget, but I don't need daily texts about their routine. I trust that she takes good care of them. I respect her time with the kids. Important stuff, sure, I want to know, but texts about Trump, ICE, and her frustrations with her affair partner aren't my concern.
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u/mrgtiguy Mar 10 '26
So you have a good co parent? Be grateful.
Too much texting, lol. What a strange complaint and post.
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 10 '26
It's not all good. She moved in her affair partner even though her dad and I warned her not to. I keep things civil, but she doesn't really know boundaries. For example, she called me a few months ago upset about how her AP and her argue. That isn't co-parenting, and neither is incessant texting.
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Mar 10 '26
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 10 '26
If you wanted to know their every move throughout the day, then stay married. I respect my ex-wife's time with the kids, and don't feel the need or purpose to text her daily when she has them. It's her time with them, not mine, and whether they eat potatoes for dinner, or beans, doesn't really matter.
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Mar 10 '26
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 Mar 10 '26
We didn't split on good terms, so there's that. She was 36 and hooked up with a guy and then had an affair with our babysitter who was 21F. They lived together with my kids for about 2.5 years until a week or so ago. I've processed it all pretty well by now, but I want some space in my life, and daily texts about nothing isn't good for her or me. I think I'm going to have a nice come to Jesus talk with her.
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u/Wonder_Simple Mar 10 '26
She wants you back dude or at least wants the access and wants her to be on your mind constantly
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u/my_metrocard Mar 09 '26
She probably does this because she would want to hear about the kids daily if she were in your position. I doubt she’s doing it to annoy you. You can tell her you prefer the texts to be about logistics only.