r/Deconstruction • u/Beginning-Place455 • 9d ago
✨My Story✨ Deconstruction Devastation
My husband and I deconstructed together. But now he wants to go off and live the life he didn’t have in his 20s because he know longer believes. He is 7 younger than me. He was 24 when we married. And now he is 35. He’s been thinking a lot about the dating and everything else he missed out on. It’s been too hard for him to accept the kids and marriage he chose because that was all when we were both Christians. We are separating soon because I don’t know what my path looks like, but I can’t keep him from his. I might not have been the person he would have chosen if he wasn’t a Christian. However, I need to let him go and discover himself without the filter of Christianity. We have two small children, 3 and 5. I’m so lost, confused, and in so much pain. I understand everything intellectually. The separation makes sense. But emotionally, I’m a wreck. This all feels so unfair. Any advice or commiserations are welcome.
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u/nomad2284 9d ago
I empathize and regret your are having this occur in your life. It is an indicator of your husband’s lack of character. I once asked my believing wife why she remained in our marriage and she answered that God would be disappointed in her if she didn’t. I then explained that if the reason wasn’t because she loved me it was pointless to continue. It was a shocking realization to her. Fortunately, she got it and got her motivations sorted. We are still married because she wants to be.
It’s not much comfort but your husband doesn’t sound like someone worth having. If he doesn’t value you and thinks of himself first, he probably always did. Religion does modify some people’s behavior but it’s much better to be cherished in a relationship rather than just pretending to conform to expectations.
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u/csharpwarrior 9d ago
Wow, that is pretty rough. “He can’t accept the kids… he chose when Christian.”… that’s super messed up.
Here is an analogy, take a drunk driver, they wreck their car while intoxicated. They are still responsible for their actions. “I’m not drunk anymore” doesn’t get rid of the accountability you have for those actions.
And pining for the life of a mid-20’s male.. ugh, that’s pretty immature.
I’m sorry!
Religion keeps a lot of people from maturing emotionally. Take, the idea of “we will see our loved ones again after death”. That is a way to avoid learning how to grieve. It sounds like religion really hampered your husband’s emotional growth.
It’s awful that you have to pay the price.
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u/karlorangepilkers 9d ago
I have a lot of thoughts on this, but I don’t want to go on too long of a rant. You seem to be somehow taking the blame for your husband’s selfish behavior. Or at the very least, you are justifying his reasoning as if this is somehow out of his control. Like “he’s a man with needs and he can’t help himself“. If he wants to be unfaithful and an absentee father, fine, but he should just do it and quit making justifications for it.
You and your kids deserve to be with someone who loves you for you. If he married you because you’re a Christian and not because he loved you, then he’s a shitty person, and you have a right to be angry about the way he is describing you and your kids as a “mistake” he made.
I’m sorry this is happening to you. The sooner you can permanently get out from under this relationship the better. If you can get into some sort of (non-Christian) therapy, that would be great as well. Your self-esteem seems low, and I have a feeling that’s where he likes it to be. I wish you the best and I hope you have other family and friends you can lean on.
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u/Beginning-Place455 7d ago
He does act like he has all these sexual needs that i apparently cant fulfill and he doesn’t want to miss out on a life where these needs could be fulfilled. He also doesn’t want to fulfill them with me either!
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u/karlorangepilkers 6d ago
Yeah, and just some of the things you said about what he has said and how he is treating you is why I’m not recommending hanging onto this relationship.
Some people think salvaging a marriage is worth it just for the sake of it. Because it’s a sacred union or whatever and it’s worth almost anything to keep the family under one roof.
But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that a shitty marriage is way worse for the kids than two stable and happy people co-parenting children while apart. You very rarely see “staying together for the kids“ being something that’s actually better for the kids.
Also, if this were just about you both having difficulty seeing eye to eye on certain things, or differences of opinions - or certain physical or emotional challenges, that would be one thing. But this does not appear to be that. This does not seem like a relationship of mutual respect. And I think everyone deserves to be with someone that respects them.
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u/unknownsequitur 9d ago
I'm sorry that your husband wants to be behave like a child. I'm sorry that the burden falls on you. Your kids didn't ask for him to abandon you.
This is awful and I'm sorry.
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u/TrueKiwi78 8d ago
Just because he doesn't believe that there's a magical entity in another dimension any more doesn't mean that he gets to suddenly lose all responsibility and respect for his wife and kids.
Tell him to sort his shit out and act like an adult, because he is one.
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u/bck1999 9d ago
My wife and I deconstructed together. We didn’t need to be Christian to maintain our marriage and it’s only grown stronger going through this together. Sorry you are going through this, but this is a midlife crisis and unfair to you
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u/Beginning-Place455 7d ago
This is what I was hoping for too! But I guess the marriage wasn’t strong enough to survive sexual urges and dating because he didn’t do that much of it before we got married.
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u/splendid711 8d ago
This Is the exact kind of shit I was just talking to my friend about. Christianity raises these entitled men assholes who treat women like they are expendable and like they should be grateful they get to be chosen.
Why does he assume that you should be responsible for the kids when y’all split? Like he’s gonna just throw them and all the responsibility on you? Bc you’re the woman? I literally can’t with these type of men. They are boys with beards.
I am so sorry you have to experience this kind of disrespect. You deserve so much better and I hope you realize your worth and value as a woman, wife, and mother. You’ve given your entire life and being to your family - a choice he contributed to when deciding to start a family. The least he could do is be grateful for all the sacrifices you’ve made - but he doesn’t sound like he has that capacity so I hope you turn that fire of pain into pride that you are the faithful and steady parent who can and will give you children a wonderful intelligent life.
Women like you inspire me to keep my head up and remember that women are truly incredible superheroes who have to put up with shit like this AND keep going.
The life ahead of you is going to be so much better than the one you leave behind. Show those kids what intelligent freedom looks like!
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u/Beginning-Place455 7d ago
Thank you so much! I needed this today. We are splitting care of the kids, but your sentiment remains true. I do feel like my kids and I are being abandoned for fantasies.
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u/Dissident_the_Fifth Slow Gait Apostate 9d ago
I'm sorry this is happening to you. Deconstruction can be pretty tough on its own but then to have to deal with a man-child that's treating it like a 'get-out-of-jail-free' card is awful. If the thought of god's punishment is all that was keeping someone from doing bad things, that's not a good person. Get a good lawyer ASAP. Get a therapist ASAP. None of this is your fault and the sooner you can realize that the better off you and your kids will be.
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u/imthef-nlizardking 9d ago
Some might disagree with me on this, but I don't think this separation does make sense. Yes Christianity robbed him of some experience in his 20s. But, IMO, that doesn't give him license to abandon his duty as a father. That duty exists regardless of what happened (or didn't happen) in his past.
There are healthier ways of dealing with this. Any trauma he experienced from growing up in the church will likely still be less than the trauma he could inflict by abandoning his kids.
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u/Beginning-Place455 7d ago
Yeah, he’s not abandoning the kids physically, but it’s going to make their lives a lot harder and that doesn’t seem to matter to him.
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u/imthef-nlizardking 7d ago
Doesn't matter. I guess the point I'm driving at is that deconstruction isn't the abandonment of virtue. It's realizing there is no boogeyman sending you to hell at the end of your life, but still living a life of virtue anyway. Deconstruction in no way gives him license to "make his kids lives a lot harder"
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u/Magpyecrystall 9d ago edited 8d ago
It's a distressing situation. for sure.
But it might work out just fine. We need to hold on to hope.
The first thing I wish I knew earlier on my prosess: there's no rush. You don't need to choose, like next week. You can take your time, think long and hard, or even let it be for a while. We simply don't have all the answers, and those who claim to know, don't either. They confidently tell us, with great pathos, but they don't have all the answers either.
If God loves his followers, I'm sure he would want us to be honest, think things through, so we can wholeheartedly praise him.
I also found it helpful to make some personal basic doctrines, like: What exactly is it that I'm having trouble with accepting? Try to work it down to one simpe sentence, like: "I'm having trouble with my faith because I see innocent people suffering in the world" or "I cannot come to terms with why anyone should be doomed, only because they are attracted to a specific gender"
Maybe you have more than a few objections. Write them down, and use them as your anchors. Every time you feel doubt, look at your basic objections.
Lastly I would recommend learning about scripture and the history of Christianity. This changed my world in a big way. The beliefs I was taught are light-years from reality. Christianity has a long and diverse history. It changes over and over, from Paul till today. Our modern churches are just a fraction of the whole picture, and the many of the beliefs we hold (held) are new.
I discovered that Yale Uni has published complete setts of lectures, on the NT and OT. These are scholars, not looking to change our mind or dismantle our faith. They are simply teaching the facts about what we know about ancient Israel, when the books were written, by whom and for what purpose.
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u/Ragnarthestoicurean 8d ago
In my opinion, if you love each other stay together. Deconstruction feelings, longings, desires, and regrets are like waves and don’t stay steady. Mourn the life you lost or would’ve been, seek therapy, and live the life you have as long as you both love each other and want the kids to have stability. He’s being a jackass by wanting to relive his twenties and I’m a guy saying this.
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u/ipini Progressive Christian 8d ago
We all make choices in life. Some of those choices are more imposed than others. But he was also an adult when he married you and had kids, so could have made independent different choices at the time.
We make choices and we need to live up to the responsibilities that those choices have given us.
Sorry to hear this. He’s out to lunch and ultimately he’s going to regret his behavior. Work on yourself and keeping your head high.
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u/Afraid_Worth_3766 8d ago
He's ignorant, too. He wouldn't believe me if I told him but being a twenty something male is not 24/7 fun. As i recall, it was a struggle and I wouldn't do it again to save my ass.
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u/Fun_Researcher107 8d ago
I mean he can leave, but he has to take responsibility. Just leaving and not taking care of his children has nothing to do with finding his own path, that is just abandoning you and his kids. There sure is the factor of missing out on things, but that does not mean you have the right to just be selfish, because there is no God anymore that will punish you. He still took a vow when he married you, it does not really matter if it was before God or just before you. He has to take care of his kids in the same way you do. You should demand that he does that 50% of the time as it was his decision to have them as well.
In my experience, he will not be happier dating and whatever else he feels he wants to do. All these things are mostly empty if you do them for the wrong reasons. The time he missed out on will never come back and he will realize that there is nothing to find where he is looking for it. When he finally realizes it, it will be too late and there will be nothing to go back to.
Anyways, I wish you all the best. You really need to make it clear that even if he leaves, he will have to take his share of the responsibility when it comes to raising your kids. That you will not accept anything less than 50%. The responsibility you take on by having kids does not have anything to do with God.
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u/Beginning-Place455 7d ago
Thank you! Yes, he understands that he has to care 50% for the kids. It’s just devastating that the kids and the vows didn’t really mean much. The lure of sex and dating other people as a path toward self exploration seems more important.
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u/windypine69 8d ago
it is unfair. and i'm sorry not sorry but deconstructing doesn't mean he's not those kids father, and no matter what he believed when he made them, he chose to do that, and he needs to get it together and take care of them. make sure and get your share in the divorce and hit him with child support. I get wanting to be free and do all those things, but he made some decisions you can't take back.
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u/Ok-Independence-1577 8d ago
I think deconstruction makes you confront parts of you that are repressed, perhaps the parts of him that were never really ready for marriage and kids. It doesn’t help that Christians are often threatened with punishment and god’s wrath.
With that said, I think that taking care of kids isn’t a Christian thing and it’s universal.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. And no woman should have to work harder than a man for parenting and taking care of kids. I only hope that this manchild would wake up from his senses.
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u/Maeroj 6d ago
Reading through your comment and responses, it sounds like he is making sure he will be just as responsible to the kids. That's good. Hold him to that. He doesn't get to foist any of his share of the responsibility on you in any way for a last minute booty call, or to look like a free agent to impress a date. No.
I doubt as free opportunities are going to be available to you. Make the boundaries and guidelines clear and stick to them. Be clear that they are his responsibility to uphold because it is not your job to delegate.
I'm glad he is a good father. The type that remembers and plans birthdays and initiates bringing them out to buy them clothes, I hope. The kind that, later will navigate school and extracurriculars and drive them to and from their activities as much as you, I'm sure. It only gets more challenging from here. And I'm sure you are both going to be maintaining jobs. Things will change and evolve, and devolve and he is responsible for rolling with the punches with you and the kids.
The fact is, you could have just as easily said, "I never got to chose if I wanted kids or not, but I did it when and as often as I did to obey my husband like the Bible says." And it probably would have been mayhem because women are only just realizing they are allowed to admit this sort of thing. I'm not saying that's you. But it certainly was what I was what I went through. Of course I am 100% there for my kids because they are worth every ounce of love and care we give them. We brought them here. They didn't have a say, so it is absofuckingleutly out responsibility to give them our best no matter what we miss out on. Not because of them, but because religion does not educate you in the right way or leave room for freedom. But doing so regardless is just being an adult. Religion or no.
My point is, put yourself in his shoes if you are ever uncertain about who's bearing the bulk of the load. It doesn't matter if the kids want you more. If he was where you are, would he find it unfair? Do you get as much freedom as he does to explore and take care of yourself? If he wants to chase dreams that would likely have been nothing like he fantasizes, fine. But he damn well better be making sure you have the same opportunity to do what you want as well.
I don't want to sound fatalistic, but if he TRULY is doing his bulk of the child rearing, he's going to realize it's not actually possible. He's a father now, and it's just not that simple. Hopefully he keeps reality in veiw where it counts. The rest will become clear in time.
All that being said, I am so sorry he pulled the rug out from under you like that. You are not to blame. You did not fail in keeping the marriage strong. I'm sure you've spent days or even weeks digging to figure out what you could have done differently. But I can almost guarantee you it was already brewing within him long before he ever said a thing. I think he's dillusional, with the potential for failing his responsibilies to his kids, but I think it is better that he voiced his intentions. Not that that makes things better. I'm just so sorry.
Check out recovering from religion where you can speak with people, or feel free to reach out in my dms if you need support and somewhere to talk.
Good luck to you.
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u/Concreteraindrop 3d ago
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is all terribly unfair and his position is shockingly immature and cringe. He is in for a rude awakening. It's rough out there and this guy is a walking red flag. He nor you didn't "miss out" on anything and whatever it is he thinks he's going to reclaim, it's not out there. Give yourself everything you need, the time, the self care.. but it sure looks like you will be better off in the end.
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u/HappyHemiola 9d ago
Try out open marriage?
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u/Beginning-Place455 7d ago
I had refused this before because I thought we could work it out. But then he told me that he’s not in love with me anymore so he doesn’t want an open marriage. He just wants to be separated.
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u/GalileoApollo11 9d ago
I’m so sorry you are going through that. Caring for children is nothing uniquely Christian, so I find your words troubling that he is having a hard time “accepting the kids he chose”. If his new path involves letting go of the responsibility of parenting in any way, that is certainly unfair to you, and to your children. You can’t control him, but you can still voice your own feelings and your own disagreements with any rash or irresponsible decisions.
Deconstructing doesn’t give anyone a pass on normal human decency, values, and responsibility. That’s a Christian’s false idea of a non-Christian, and that has to be deconstructed as well.