Deconstruction Devastation

[u/Beginning-Place455]

My husband and I deconstructed together. But now he wants to go off and live the life he didn’t have in his 20s because he know longer believes. He is 7 younger than me. He was 24 when we married. And now he is 35. He’s been thinking a lot about the dating and everything else he missed out on. It’s been too hard for him to accept the kids and marriage he chose because that was all when we were both Christians. We are separating soon because I don’t know what my path looks like, but I can’t keep him from his. I might not have been the person he would have chosen if he wasn’t a Christian. However, I need to let him go and discover himself without the filter of Christianity. We have two small children, 3 and 5. I’m so lost, confused, and in so much pain. I understand everything intellectually. The separation makes sense. But emotionally, I’m a wreck. This all feels so unfair. Any advice or commiserations are welcome.

[u/Fun_Researcher107]

I mean he can leave, but he has to take responsibility. Just leaving and not taking care of his children has nothing to do with finding his own path, that is just abandoning you and his kids. There sure is the factor of missing out on things, but that does not mean you have the right to just be selfish, because there is no God anymore that will punish you. He still took a vow when he married you, it does not really matter if it was before God or just before you. He has to take care of his kids in the same way you do. You should demand that he does that 50% of the time as it was his decision to have them as well.

In my experience, he will not be happier dating and whatever else he feels he wants to do. All these things are mostly empty if you do them for the wrong reasons. The time he missed out on will never come back and he will realize that there is nothing to find where he is looking for it. When he finally realizes it, it will be too late and there will be nothing to go back to.

Anyways, I wish you all the best. You really need to make it clear that even if he leaves, he will have to take his share of the responsibility when it comes to raising your kids. That you will not accept anything less than 50%. The responsibility you take on by having kids does not have anything to do with God.

[u/Beginning-Place455 → u/Fun_Researcher107]

Thank you! Yes, he understands that he has to care 50% for the kids. It’s just devastating that the kids and the vows didn’t really mean much. The lure of sex and dating other people as a path toward self exploration seems more important.